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How to stop ex stressing me out?

(5 Posts)
Mina43 Thu 10-Oct-19 08:06:03

Just looking for coping strategies here. My ex and I split a few years ago due to his moods/alcohol etc. He used to act very moodily and I used to feel very anxious/scared around him. Once we split, we have parented relatively well and got on well but I believe that's because I have always been overly nice, never chasing for money, letting him see children when he wants etc. I just feel I'm out of the day to day relationship thank God. But still at times, he throws a strop and storms out if he doesn't get what he wants and this really makes me anxious. He has a partner. Those feelings of fear come flooding back and I feel like I have to change all my plans to accommodate him. I don't want to feel like this but I think I'm still scared of him. Any tips how to cope?

Windydaysuponus Thu 10-Oct-19 08:09:24

Make a proper schedule. He has no right stepping in and out as he sees fit.
Dc need structure and you need it know which days you have to give him headspace.
Certainly should not have to deal with his tantrums.

Techway Thu 10-Oct-19 08:15:39

It could be that you need higher boundaries and that includes physical access. Do you need to see him? Can you do most of contact by email?

I used to see Ex at handovers etc but he became aggressive, clenching & clenching his fists that I decided I could not be around him. I now only deal with him via email or text. This level of stress can cause physical illnesses so I wouldn't rush to label it as anxious. Your instincts are warning you and your fear is probadly rational.

How old are the children? Do you have contact documented?

Mina43 Thu 10-Oct-19 09:20:06

@Techway so children are toddlers and access is very informal. He sees them one evening a week. Now recently he has asked one day at weekend but only a couple of times. Generally this works but I guess from time to time, he behaves as he did when we were together. For example here, he mentioned he might want them this weekend, but nothing confirmed so I made plans. When he asked again, I said maybe not but I'll see if I can change it. He then asked about the other day in weekend where I definitely had plans with family and got annoyed because I said that, essentially assuming I should change that. Then stormed off swearing under breath and slamming door, not waving to kids much. Basically like a petulant child. I'm not sure what I've done as I said I'll see if I could change it but I think he just takes his anger out on me even though not together.

Techway Thu 10-Oct-19 09:41:21

Oh young children is more challenging as you can't let them go off on their own.

Actually imagining him as a petulant toddler might help you! All you can do is breathe through it and repeat to yourself that you are safe. He chooses his reactions. Try to imagine a wall around you so you feel protected. After a blow up feel the emotions and let them pass. Easy to say but hard to do!

On the specifics of this perhaps follow up with an email saying that you support him seeing the children and that you are seeking to get into a regular routine of contact but that there has to be a reasonable notice for both parties.

Do you think you could propose a day every other weekend? Every other weekend and 1 night a week tends to be the schedule so you might need to start moving towards that.

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