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Opinions on this, am I unreasonable

(14 Posts)
Hanbam Thu 10-Oct-19 07:30:22

I would really appreciate some opinions on a situation I’ll keep it brief and to the point.

My ex has an on off girlfriend who very recently took a big overdose and was in hospital for around a week. What triggered this was an argument because my ex sent a picture of our two children. I know this because a few weeks ago he phoned me crying and worried as the gf was threatening him and blaming him for the overdose and said she would contact me and the children (5 and 12) lots of things about him being emotionally abusive and shouldn’t be around the children. They are now back together and looking for a house.

I understand that this is his decision and he can do whatever he likes in his free time. He see’s the children 2 weekends a month and I’ve asked for that for the time being, given things are so fresh that he holds off on involving the children again in their lives, not long term but for now as things are very fresh and what prompted the overdose was a photograph of my children. I’ve said if he can’t do this then I’m really unsure about him seeing the children. Is this unreasonable?? I’ve never met this lady and I know very little apart from she has a daughter who lives with her father full time because In his words she can’t cope very well. The whole situation makes me feel anxious. I don’t want to ruin the little time he does see the kids (his choice on contact hours) but my gut keeps telling me that this isn’t a healthy situation for the children. Am I being unfair?

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Thu 10-Oct-19 07:50:32

She took an overdose because he sent her a photo of your children?

I'd be concerned too, tbh.

SurfingGiantess Thu 10-Oct-19 07:50:43

I think you're right! She's overdosed so is obviously on some sort of drugs. That's enough for me to not want her in my children's lives.
She sounds crazy. But he needs to put his kids first and surely he can see your reasoning.

Bluntness100 Thu 10-Oct-19 07:53:22

She's overdosed so is obviously on some sort of drugs

Eh? That makes no logical sense at all. You can overdose on paracetamol, whatever, you don't need to be a druggie to do it. That's what suicide attempts are.

Op, in this instance I would agree with you.

slipperywhensparticus Thu 10-Oct-19 07:55:09

For two weekends à month I would expect him to prioritise them

CornishCreation Thu 10-Oct-19 07:59:57

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing, following your gut, you're concerned for your children's well being and are taking measures to make sure they are safe when you're not there.
Nothing wrong with that you're being responsible.

LunasOrchid Thu 10-Oct-19 08:06:26

Whilst I agree this woman isn't someone I would want my children around, they are his children too and you can't withold contact.

Windydaysuponus Thu 10-Oct-19 08:07:20

I would be thinking ss may be involved with her dc....
Therefore I would tell ex either he does things your way - best for dc - or takes his chance thinking a judge would let your dc around her.
Can you really trust he will keep them apart at least for now?

AmIThough Thu 10-Oct-19 08:13:08

I don't think you're unreasonable. She's clearly not in a good place at the moment and it's not fair on your children to be put in the middle of an unhealthy situation.

DuchessMinnie Thu 10-Oct-19 08:13:24

Oh gosh, I am in a similar situation. Ex's gf is horribly jealous and can not cope with ex having any contact with me or the DC. She took an overdose last December while the DC were staying, ex brought the DC back to me and they haven't had them overnight since. Previously she has thrown all 3 of them out on a Friday night so they had to stay in a hotel, so I am happy that they are not staying there anymore. He has recently said he would like to resume overnights when his gf feels ready but I have massive concerns.

You are being completely fair- forget everyone else's feelings, your children and their safety are the only important things. In my situation and yours I believe there are some serious MH issues which the children need protecting from.

Stressedout10 Thu 10-Oct-19 08:15:01

Contact Ss tell them what's going on and they should risk asses her and will say that she should not be around the children (I expect that they were very much involved with her ex getting full custody) they will also tell him to choose her or your children and if he chooses her they will tell you to stop contact or loose your DC.
It sounds like your ex is in an emotionally abusive relationship he may need Ss to give him the kick up the arse to dump her

Hanbam Thu 10-Oct-19 08:27:47

Thank you so much for the replies i really appreciate it. It’s ridiculous I’m even doubting it, it’s just he makes me feel so guilty and tries to make it about me trying to control his life, when it’s not about him or her at all it’s about doing the best thing for the children. Thanks once again this has given me the confidence to feel justified in my decisions.

Hanbam Thu 10-Oct-19 08:31:38

I’m not sure how to directly reply but stressedout10 it’s a bit of a nightmare situation he’s emotionally abusive and from my POV he’s met his match and it’s created a very unstable and toxic situation, but it’s not my problem as such, as long as the children aren’t affected by this then he can live his life how he chooses.

Stressedout10 Thu 10-Oct-19 08:59:39

@hanbam
It's almost karmic then that he is in this situation.
However it's your DC who will be affected please do contact SS they really could help. My friend was in a similar situation and SS stopped her ex from having contact while he was in the relationship with his current girlfriend, they even spoke up in court for her when her ex went for full custody. He was given 2 hours supervised visitation a month (at the contact centre) and the judge said that he would never get any more until he left his girlfriend. 8 years on and he hasn't seen the DC for 6 years (there choice) .
Obviously I don't know the exact reason for her ex having full custody of her DC but it doesn't sound like she should ever be around children and it's abusive to blame children for her own suicide attempts

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