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How did your kids handle a parents split up

(18 Posts)
Louise000000 Wed 09-Oct-19 20:59:38

Hi! Just wondering if anyone can tell me how their kids were during/after a split up? I've got 3 kids 3/5/7 years old.
If both parents are open and loving to them and also kind to one another through a split up, can there be minimal disruption?
Can children accept that their parents no longer want to be together but want to be the best parents and will be friends together to achieve this or am I living in a fantasy here??

Jane1978xx Wed 09-Oct-19 22:26:12

Have a routine as soon as possible and have things for them at both houses so they don’t always need to take bags. Have a routine of days with mum/dad and let them know In advance what the plans are. My daughter is 9 and she’s doing well.

Louise000000 Wed 09-Oct-19 22:28:47

Hi Jane, how did you explain this to your daughter? And how did she react?

Beamur Wed 09-Oct-19 22:33:37

My SC's were 7& 9.
Can't fault how DH and his ex handled it. They put the kids in the centre of every decision, shared residency and sorted out money etc. Always civil and polite to each other, didn't manipulate the kids or bad mouth one another.
Kids now young adults in their 20's and seem to have come through ok. Dad now married to me and Mum remarried a few years ago. We all get on pretty well and will all go out for a meal together on the kids birthdays etc.

Jane1978xx Wed 09-Oct-19 22:39:40

We said mummy and daddy were friends but daddy was going to live in another house. That was it 🤷🏼‍♀️. She is a very sensible 9 thought but it should work for younger ones too

Louise000000 Thu 10-Oct-19 00:08:26

Thank you! They both sound really positive, good to hear!

LellyMcKelly Thu 10-Oct-19 05:39:00

Same as Baemur’s friend. The kids were at the centre of every decision. My ex moved nearby so apart from staying at his house three nights a week their daily routines were barely affected - they continued to go to the same schools, clubs, and have the same friends. I must admit, I really struggled to be around my ex after the split but he was absolutely determined that he would see the kids frequently. And that has worked well. We get along really well now - helped by the fact that he has been generous and pays well in excess of what the CMS require, so we didn’t need to move out of the family home or change our lives significantly. It’s funny - one of the reasons we split was because he was a workaholic who left me to do everything, but now he’s a much better father and has fully taken on responsibility for things like taking them to the dentist, which had never crossed his radar before. The kids are happy, and we all still get together for their birthdays. We’re all even spending Christmas together with our new partners. It’s worked out well.

Louise000000 Thu 10-Oct-19 08:47:41

Lellymckelly sounds like it's all worked out for the better. Really pleased for you!!
My husband works away all week as a truck driver and we haven't shared a bed any time since the kids came along, so there wouldn't be any major changes for us (so long as he is ok with me staying in the house that is)
It's funny cos a couple of years ago the thought of splitting up the kids' family was unbearable to think about but now I feel like i want to teach my children, if you are not happy, you can leave!!
I think me and my husband could be the best of friends in the future. I'm just not the one to be his wife any more.

litterbird Thu 10-Oct-19 08:53:32

Just be open an honest with them and say mummy and daddy love you all very much. Daddy is going to live in a new house and its going to be exciting as you can help decorate your new rooms. Then, if you can, all go over to the new house and be a strong unit together and then the children will see its not their fault or has anything to do with them. They will see you behaving as friends and it is essential that remains that way despite what may be going on. My 21 year old is fine. My ex married, had 2 boys and we are just as a strong unit together with the wife and boys now as we were when we separated. We all parent my daughter now. They will be fine.

PinkMonkeyBird Thu 10-Oct-19 09:57:34

I split with my exH 11 years ago and our DD was 5 years old. We worked out a routine for her straight away with regards to custody and I remember we told her together and also used a book aimed at children to explain that some mummies and daddies split up. I think we handled it the best we could at the time. In the back ground, the only quibble was finances (as ever!) but she knew nothing of that. My ex went on to remarry and we all get on well together. They have 2 small children now and I always buy them birthday and Christmas presents as if they are a niece/nephew. If it is possible to remain amicable, it really does pay dividends in the future. My DD is a very well balanced teenager, although we did go through a very traumatic time due to my ex-partner (the one after her dad) and I splitting..that's another story/post.

Jane1978xx Thu 10-Oct-19 10:07:52

Litterbird similar to what we did and she took her pjs and a duvet cover and pics over

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Oct-19 10:09:07

Mine was OK at first.
But here Dad promised all sorts.
Moved to another country and never bothered to visit.
I had to sort and facilitate all visits over to him.
She was pure hell as a teenager. We split when she was 10.
But at 16 she switched and turned into a lovely girl.
Now we have a wonderful relationship.
I mean, we always did. I was her protector and her mum and dad but she was rebellious as hell.
At 21 she's one of my best friends.
But..... we certainly had some big fat issues age 12-15.

Louise000000 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:28:52

Hells bells that's teenagers for you though isn't it!! I was a nightmare teen and now my mum and I are very close.
Thanks all I'm definitely uplifted with the responses here

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 10-Oct-19 15:31:24

Mine was 8- she was upset at first as thought she'd never see her dad again.
However she sees him once a week (or less often) and doesn't really give him a second thought now.

Plus her confidence has greatly improved not having to live with such a negative influence anymore.

pointythings Thu 10-Oct-19 15:36:57

I know a couple who genuinely coparent 50/50. They are better friends than they ever were while married. Their DD has absolutely thrived. It can be done.

Louise000000 Thu 10-Oct-19 20:45:39

Thank you all smile

Mesaageinmybottle Thu 10-Oct-19 21:00:19

All works well in theory. It’s when other people come along into the mix it gets messy

Dustybun Thu 10-Oct-19 21:03:16

Absolutely fine. It helped tat there were no third parties involved and we still do family stuff, their Dad comes here all the time for tea etc we have Xmas together. He just goes back to his flat after and there are no arguments or tense atmosphere anymore as we actually get in quite well now we are not living together.

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