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Could I ask for some friendly words, please?

(183 Posts)
ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 19:01:18

Hello. I'm most likely joining the ranks of those who never expected to be posting a thread like this.

My husband of over 20 years has, most probably, just left me.

I say most probably because there may be some hope. But I suspect not. I'd rather not give too much detail, as I know he sometimes browses, as do some friends. I am along standing poster, well, reader really, but have resurrected a rather frivolous name change for this.

Things have been a bit odd for a while, but I was completely not expecting this. We were so solid, and it all seems to have fallen apart in such a short time. We have children I need to not know about this for a fair while.

I know I have to do it for them, but the idea of keeping up the pretence is just, well, awful.

We had such a solid ground, and now I am on quicksand. I don't know what to do with myself. I really want my mum but she died years ago.

I have read on here people saying how hard it is when the person you would normally turn to for comfort and support is actually the person causing the hurt.I never appreciated quite how gut-wrenching that is.

And it does hurt, such a lot.

If anyone has a few moments just to chat for a bit I would be very grateful. Can't have phone conversations for now as children around. And if I disappear, it will be because they've come in.

I would like to have somewhere to touch base, as it were, if that's ok.

Thank you.

FetchezLaVache Wed 09-Oct-19 19:06:36

I'm so sorry. Can you tell us what makes you think your husband has left you? Has he said so or have you inferred it from a row or similar?

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 19:22:45

Thank you for replying. We've been living apart for work reasons, and seem to have been very badly communicating over recent months. I thought I was being how he wanted, and he was feeling as if I didn't care, so had retreated.

I thought it was something we could work out. But apparently not.

We have talked and he is going to think through things some more, so there may be a chance, but I just don't know.

We've been through such a lot over the years, and had our ups and downs like everyone. It just seems sad that we were both feeling uncared for, but both reached such different conclusions.

tinyvulture Wed 09-Oct-19 19:24:32

That sounds so hard - your head must be all over the place. How are you coping, do you feel?

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 19:34:12

Thank you. Yes, head very whirry.

I don't really know about coping yet. It was only this morning. I'm just trying to keep things normal here. But I just want to howl.

I do hope some time to think will make him change his mind. But I have to prepare for it not happening, rather than just passively hanging around in hope.

I guess I'm trying to stay neutral, at least for a while. Just, it does hurt such a lot.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 19:36:23

Will have to go for a bit but will be back later.

Thank you again, both of you.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 21:38:57

I am back if there is anyone there.

Musti Wed 09-Oct-19 21:44:12

Hi lovely, I'm here if you want to talk x

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 21:45:14

I'm here OP. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. So what did he say exactly?

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 21:46:17

You say: "I thought I was being how he wanted". How did you think he "wanted" you?

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 21:55:49

Thank you all.

Being how he wanted sounds a bit naff actually when I read it back, sorry. We were both struggling as it was very hard to be apart, but I think more so him. So he'd asked me to keep conversations light, as he was finding it hard, and working very long hours etc, so I didn't dwell to much on how much I was missing him etc.

And then he hadn't wanted me to visit as he was so knackered, so I didn't, but that seems to have been wrong. We were texting, calling etc regularly, saying I love you etc, but he still felt uncared for.

I did other things instead of visiting, but only because he hadn't wanted me to. I'd have been there like a shot if I'd realised. I feel so stupid that I got it so wrong, but also so bewildered it has been so quick, just a few months.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 21:57:59

That sounds so pathetic. I'm not normally. Pretty competent generally.

I obviously have thoughts in my head about other possibilities, but I don't want to go there for a while.

We've just always been so close, this seems unreal

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 21:59:33

Don't beat yourself up OP. So two questions for you:
What reason did he give for calling it quits?
What has he said that makes you think theres a chance you can make it work?

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 22:00:10

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. flowers

ConfCall Wed 09-Oct-19 22:00:31

Oh OP it’s a shame he didn’t tell you how he was feeling. Sounds like a total miscommunication.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 22:05:41

Conf - yes that's what I thought, something we could sort out.

Moaner, ok, question 1. Because he had felt so distant, and felt that I didn't care, he pulled back further, I guess into self-protection mode. And because he had time to think and analyse, and then think back over negative things from further back (and of course, normal relationship, ups and downs) he put all this together as it wasn't working.

By the time we 'cleared the air', he wasn't sure how he felt. He wasn't sure he still loved me.

Question 2, well we are keeping lines of communication open, and he is going to think over all we talked about. Accepts we both had crossed wires, just isn't sure it can come back, as it were.

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 22:11:53

Do you think there's a chance he could have met someone else while working away? I'm sorry of that's insensitive but it's just... His reaction seems extreme. And also, he was the one who told you not to visit. Seems a bit convenient to now be making out like you were the one who didn't care enough to go and see him?

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 22:12:01

Thank you for talking tonight. I have to go to bed as I've got stupidly drowsy. I will be back in the morning so will read anything posted.

Good night.

MoanerLeaser Wed 09-Oct-19 22:13:01

No worries. Have a good sleep OP x

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 22:18:41

Sorry Moaner, think we crossed.

Not insensitive. That is one of the 'pathways' I have gone down a little, but am trying to hold back at least for a while.

He does overthink, over analyse and compartmentalize. Left to his own devices, it is certainly possible he would retreat in the way he has done. Very intelligent, very thoughtful, but can get into a negative spiral and end up, well here I guess.

So I want to try and keep an open mind, at least for a bit.

AutumnCrow Wed 09-Oct-19 22:18:51

I'll be around in the morning, too, if you want to chat, OP.

AutumnCrow Wed 09-Oct-19 22:19:53

Or obviously I'm here now.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 22:25:11

Thank you Autumn. I'm just reeling. awake again now but think I will crash soon.

I just feel, destroyed

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 09-Oct-19 22:32:26

I am going to bed now.

Thank you for listening.

Will be back in the morning.

Good night.

AutumnCrow Wed 09-Oct-19 22:50:11

Have a think about going to see him and talk to him in person.

Good night flowers

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