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my male best friend just told me that he thinks my DP is abusing me

(312 Posts)
helpisitme Wed 09-Oct-19 18:22:19

I met up with my best friend of 15 years last night and was telling him how things were going with my DP. I have been with DP just under a year. I said that we had been arguing lately. What I told him I thought was "normal" arguing... I gave a few examples and he was taken aback at what I told him. He said that he was emotionally abusing me and that I needed to leave him. I have no reason to think my friend would encourage me to end our relationship for his own benefit (he's gay and married) or that he dislikes DP? I know DP isn't an angel, but I am not sure I am being abused?

I basically gave an example of the only "big" argument we've had (incidentally the first time he's ever been nasty). DP was meant to pick me up from work because my car broke down. He was 45 minutes late. I was noticeably annoyed getting in the car, dripping wet and full of cold. He was late because he was chatting to his friends after he had done his hobby with them. He asked what was up - I said that I was cold and tired. He shouted at me, saying that I shouldn't "make him feel guilty" and that I was manipulative. He said he ALWAYS put me first and considered me, but I never considered him, and that I was selfish and self-centred. I told him that I did things for him and always consider how he feels, it wasn't him I was annoyed with, but the situation (e.g. having a cold/being cold). He ignored me for the rest of the drive, dropped me at my house (he was meant to come in) and drove home, saying he was "done". I was crying and apologising for upsetting him, asking him to please come back, but he ignored me, and then told me the relationship was over. I accepted this. A week later after the silent treatment, he called to say he overreacted and for us to get back together. I said yes, because this was the first time this had happened.

Another occasion, I told him over a very busy weekend "you're always so busy, rushing around looking after everyone else!" gave him a hug and jokingly said "now I know why you fall asleep replying to my messages! you're so sweet, but you need to sleep!". I said this because in the past, I had commented that he shouldn't feel compelled to reply to my messages late at night instead of sleeping (he had told me work was busy). He started saying that I was manipulative again - saying that I was "not trusting of how he spent his time", and how "everything is an issue to you". He again didn't speak to me for 3 days.

I brought up to him last week that I was feeling overwhelmed at work, my mum isn't well and my MH was getting bad and I was feeling generally rubbish. Insecurities stemming from my body image (previous anorexia) makes me feel shit about myself when I am stressed. I rang him basically asking why his ex had commented on his social media, because I didn't think they were in contact. This is the ex who cheated on him, and who openly calls me a "slag" to anyone who will listen. It was totally out of order of me to do this, I know. I apologized immediately. He told me it wasn't an issue and he would remove her. He ignored me for a week again, despite me asking him to talk to me, saying I was sorry etc.

He always tells me whenever I am unhappy or bring up an issue that I am "destroying the relationship" and that "you've ruined who we are". He will NEVER respond in an argument to me, I am always just met with "okay" and the silent treatment. He always threatens to break up over the smallest of disagreements. Nothing is ever a small discussion, any small criticism or concern is dragged out for weeks. I am scared to bring up anything to him in all honesty and feel myself being pushed away as a way to make me suffer, if I do. He always says "you're always accusing me" confused

The common theme seems to be that I make him feel bad. If I mention anything, even if I think it is wrong, it will always be twisted into how I am "making him feel guilty". He said he shouldn't have to change anything he does for me.

My friend told me he was stonewalling me, gaslighting me (you're the problem with this relationship, not the issues), and projecting onto me (e.g. in the car pick up example, my friend said he SHOULD have felt guilty as he had left you waiting knowing you were ill, and that HE was being manipulative trying to make me feel unreasonable for being annoyed).

Is this abuse? I think abuse is too strong? I do feel uneasy with any conflict with him, but I am not scared of him. He's sensitive, and maybe I am too critical?

Cecilandsnail Wed 09-Oct-19 18:24:02

I agree with your mate.

OkayGo Wed 09-Oct-19 18:24:42

Your friend is right

Disfordarkchocolate Wed 09-Oct-19 18:24:46

I think I agree with your friend. Your partner isn't nice to you.

MorrisZapp Wed 09-Oct-19 18:26:18

He's dumped you three times in a year? Get this muppet binned off.

Lagatha Wed 09-Oct-19 18:26:39

Yep, your friend is right

Krazynights34 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:26:42

Absolutely agree with your friend. That is nasty and controlling behaviour.

ExcitedForFuture Wed 09-Oct-19 18:27:30

Your friend is bang on OP. Your 'DP is a twat.

tinyvulture Wed 09-Oct-19 18:27:44

He sounds shit. You shouldn’t be made to feel shit for bringing stuff up that has upset you - that’s a form of control. He shouldn’t threaten to break up over everything - that’s also very controlling. Honestly, you deserve much better for this. I think you should get out now before you are in any deeper.

Nomintrude Wed 09-Oct-19 18:29:11

Abuse is not too strong a word and he sounds like a very good friend who is looking out for you. I couldn't cope with someone giving me the silent treatment any time they didn't like something I'd said or done, that's not a real relationship and it's him trying to control you so you never dare to 'rock the boat' by having an opinion contrary to his or god forbid being upset/annoyed or questioning something. My advice would be the same, this boyfriend will just ruin your confidence and make you dance to his tune to avoid his sulky stonewalling. Leaving is the only way to stop the cycle. It's good that at least you don't live together, be thankful you're not in any deeper than you are and don't ignore these massive red flags.

Lllot5 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:29:29

I think your friend is right.
Can’t stand people who sulk and give the silent treatment.

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim Wed 09-Oct-19 18:29:28

Your friend is right, by choosing and listing these instances you can also see this behaviour is not 'right'. It's exhausting and manipulative. It will not get better.

TheQueef Wed 09-Oct-19 18:29:36

Mate is right.
Don't waste any more time on this git.

simonisnotme Wed 09-Oct-19 18:29:39

your friend is right, he a nasty controlling bastard and whatever you do will not be enough for him
dump his sorry arse over a cliff

theemmadilemma Wed 09-Oct-19 18:30:11

Your friend is right.

MayFayner Wed 09-Oct-19 18:30:23

He's sensitive, and maybe I am too critical?

He’s not sensitive and you’re not too critical. He sounds awful.

TatoTurner Wed 09-Oct-19 18:30:50

Thank goodness you have a good, perceptive friend who can see you deserve better and is able to tell you.

pinkyredrose Wed 09-Oct-19 18:31:24

Your friend is right. This guy is an emotionally abusive twat.

IceCreamBrain Wed 09-Oct-19 18:31:31

Your friend is right.

BaronessBomburst Wed 09-Oct-19 18:31:34

Your friend gave you very good advice.
Listen to him.

BillywigSting Wed 09-Oct-19 18:32:06

I reckon your friend has hit the nail on the head sorry

Girlundercover Wed 09-Oct-19 18:33:33

You have a good friend there. Not many would speak up like this. You should listen.

MarianaMoatedGrange Wed 09-Oct-19 18:33:40

Your friend is completely right. Dump this abusive manchild. Your MH will spiral downwards if you stay with him.

Shockers Wed 09-Oct-19 18:34:32

Yup- he’s a twat.

London91 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:34:33

Your friend is right. You've been together less than a year and he's acting like this. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg, things will escalate.

Bin him off.

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