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Relationships

Habit of ignoring

144 replies

ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 15:09

Hi! I'm just after a bit of advice really. I've been with my DP for just under three years. We don't live together, but do spend as much time as we can together (as much as work, kids, activities allow). Both have kids (not together). As far as a partner goes, he is great. I won't list his qualities but he's never given me any problems! Amazing with my kids too.

I'm just a little confused about something that happens now and again. If I can think back it probably happens about 3 or 4 times a year. We never argue, but on occasion he hasn't liked something that has happened and then decided to just ignore me. When I say something that has happened, I mean a bit of a disagreement on something (which like i said, doesn't happen a lot).

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works. These silences have lasted between a few hours or a week or so.

This has happened today after a minor disagreement last night . I haven't done my usual texting him first to try and get things back to normal, but have instead text him and said along the lines of text me when you decide to grow up because I can't be doing with people that have tantrums etc.

I'm now wondering whether I shouldn't have text him this, as last night could have been my fault (who knows, I wasn't expecting to fall out over such a little thing)? This doesn't happen a lot so maybe I shouldn't have said anything like this? I'm just confused and thinking maybe I should apologise for sending that message Confused

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hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 15:38

Fuck no - don't apologise.
You had it spot on.
Ignore the sulking asshole.
It's called stonewalling abuse. Google it!
It's a horrible thing to do.
My ExH did this once (before we married) and I left. Packed up and left.
We had a chat and he had no idea adults could and should have a civilised conversation regarding any issues. I made it very clear that we discuss things and either agree to disagree or reach a compromise.
If he did it again then I would be gone for good.
He never did it again. It was learned behaviour from his mother.

Do not chase him.
Do not text him.
He is basically 'punishing' you.
Once he feels you have been 'punished' enough he will talk to you again.
Don't put up with that shit.
It's not OK.

I'd honestly block him for now.
Allow yourself some time to figure out if this is something you can put up with or if it's something he can maybe fix in himself.
If not then don't be abused like this.
I can guarantee you are already 'curbing' your behaviour so you don't 'set him off' on one of his strops.
Fuck that!!!!!

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timeforachange123 · 09/10/2019 15:39

In a healthy relationship a minor disagreement shouldn't cause either person to sulk. I think the first text you sent is excellent, you're being clear that you think sulking is unacceptable in an adult relationship. Please don't apologise to him. The first text was you being genuine, it's down to him to think about what you've said and act accordingly

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Interestedwoman · 09/10/2019 15:43

Don't apologise- it's him that's acting out of line. xx

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 16:07

Thanks all.

I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do now, as normally I would have text him to sort it out. I'm also not entirely sure what we have fallen out over so I'm sort of sat here twiddling my thumbs.

I didn't mean to be rude, but I'm not sure telling him to grow up would have gone down that well, which is why I was debating whether to apologise or not!

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timeforachange123 · 09/10/2019 16:11

Now do absolutely noting. Your last text said what you needed to say, you've told him clearly he can text once he is behaving like an adult. There's nothing more to say. Don't be desperate and text him again, it'll do neither of you any good in the long term
I'm sure once the shock of you not behaving in your usual way has hit him, he'll have a good think and make contact

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hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 16:14

I didn't mean to be rude
Why not.
He is being super super fucking rude.
Stop pandering to this manchild while he is behaving like this.
You will just be enabling the abusive cycle once again!
DON'T DO IT!
The ball is firmly in his court now.
Do NOT back down!
This behaviour will only get worse and more frequent if you allow it to continue unchallenged.

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 17:18

He's incredibly stubborn though so I do wonder whether I'll ever hear from him again if I don't text him!

Which is ridiculous, I know Confused

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RueCambon · 09/10/2019 17:24

Sounds like you are handling it well.

He can't just blank you. Well, he can and he does but you dont have to chase after him when je decides to blank you.

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MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/10/2019 17:25

So he can be rude but you can't? Please don't pander to this silly man.

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quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 17:34

On the occasions when this happens, I don't hear from him, so I will usually end up texting him and trying to sort things out. Which normally works

Well, it would, seeing as the point of this behaviour from him is to train you to bend to his will and hold yourself responsible for the way he behaves. I assume "trying to sort things out" probably entails you apologising even if you weren't at fault and trying to find a way to pacify / appease him to smooth things over?

His training has obviously been going well if you're currently feeling you've done something wrong by not running to appease him for whatever he didn't like this time.

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mcmooberry · 09/10/2019 17:35

Please read and re-read @hellsbellsmelons and everyone else's reply and do NOT text him!

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TimeforanotherChange · 09/10/2019 17:38

Is he any great loss? Seriously?

I mean, someone who simply decides they are never, ever speaking to you again out of stubbornness because you haven't chased them and crawled to them? Nah. No great loss at all.

I'd block and move on.

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 17:50

I'm pretty sure he'll talk to me again, I have something he needs at my house, plus we're going on holiday soon ish.

I'm just quite unsettled about not texting him to smooth it over and I have no idea what his reaction will be to me not doing that!

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 17:55

Last night may have well been your fault OP. But his reaction to it is wrong, selfish and actually abusive. Any normal human being would discuss it like and adult and either come to a compromise or agree to disagree.

It's a way of controlling and conditioning you to not disagree with him. As you said it doesn't happen often, but only when you disagree. You'll end up walking on egg shells and not voicing an opinion in the hope that he won't start to ignore you.

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Hidingtonothing · 09/10/2019 17:58

Don't sit there twiddling your thumbs! Get on with your life, fill your time so you're not tempted to cave in and wait it out. PP's are right, he's punishing you for disagreeing with him and the stonewalling is designed to get you back in line.

So don't play the game, he will either have an epiphany and start behaving like a decent human being or, more likely, he won't and you either won't hear from him again or he will start upping the ante and turn himself into the victim, think 'you really upset me and then couldn't even be bothered to call me' type messages, conveniently forgetting that he was the one who flounced off in the first place.

If this is his way of dealing with conflict you may as well walk away now, you said this was a minor disagreement so what's going to happen when theres something serious? Give him this one chance to do something different by waiting it out to see if he comes to you, if he doesn't (and with an unreserved apology) then you're probably well rid Flowers

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 17:59

He'll punish you for not grovelling to him.

I predict, he'll tell you he's not going on holiday as a result of your behaviour in an attempt to get you to back track and get you to grovel to him. If you don't, he'll start to blame you, it's your fault he acts this way, you're the problem. Then he'll ignore but make sure you know what he's doing, then he'll come back and expect you to forgive him. At no point will he ever apologise to you or admit that he's at fault in anyway shape or form.

He's abusive!

Read the thread on here where the fiancé has disappeared. You mr DP is doing exactly the same thing to you

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 18:24

Would you class having a handful of strops a year abusive?

I am tempted to text him but I won't. Today was the last day we could see each other for various reasons until the middle of next week, so I'm disappointed he's pulled this stunt again Confused

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 18:57

You say he only does it a few times a year?

Can I ask how many times a year you disagree?

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 19:09

We hardly ever disagree?

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LordNibbler · 09/10/2019 19:26

Is it 'we' hardly ever disagree, or 'you' hardly ever disagree?
It sounds like he's got you well trained here. Surely you'd rather be in a relationship with another grown up?

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 20:14

Does he 'sulk' every time you disagree?

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 20:32

I guess the few times we have disagreed he's then done this, yes

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ApplePie99 · 09/10/2019 20:34

He's never said anything to me that's upset me though, he's very caring, never horrible!

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madcatladyforever · 09/10/2019 20:39

i agree with hellsbellsmelons.
My ex husband did this repeatedly over 18 years and I almost lost the will to live.
It's a massive relief being divorced from him and to have proper conversations with proper adults instead of a sulky baby.

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 20:54

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is his way of dealing with conflict. Not to discuss like adults, but to use bully boy techniques to make 'you' feel like you're in the wrong. You'll soon stop voicing an opinion as it's 'too much hassle' or you don't want to upset him in case he ignores you again.

This might seem ok at the moment, as it only happens a couple of times a year, but what if you had serious issues to discuss, such as money, family, kids, health or bereavements to deal with. What if you had differing opinions on children and he dealt with it by ignoring you for weeks. Or ignoring your dc because he didn't like how they behaved

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