Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Not coping with my break up(67 Posts)
Been with my oh for 9 months but been friends for over two years. Things have been up and down the last six weeks or so. Hadn’t had sex for over 3 months, just generally felt unloved and slightly unwanted. Oh went off on a stag do last week. I have a huge group of mutual friends with him and well known acquaintances. Quite a few of them his employees. Went out last week for a few drinks with a handful of them and one of his employees came after he had finished work. We get on well as I do with them all, I will literally speak to anyone probably a bit of a people pleaser in all honesty. We all had a few drinks and four of us two women and two men got went to another place and had one more. At that point my female friend could barely stand so I called her a taxi. At this point I’d had 1.5 bottles of wine and two doubles, my limit is normally a bottle. I was very drunk. The two blokes came back to mine, all innocent as like I say they are either friends with female partners who are also my friends or his employees. Came back and had another two glasses of wine. And then I don’t know what happened but I ended up having sex with the one and can’t really remember what part the other one took although I do remember us kissing a few times and him being present. At first I said no this isn’t a good idea but I remember the one taking my trousers off, the night is a bit of a blur. I can’t remember everything that hPpened only snapshots of it. I remember the one bringing handcuffs down and putting them on me. I didn’t kick them off scream or shout no. I told someone the night after what had happened and someone that knows him overheard and told my now ex oh. I am literally black and blue from my thighs upwards to my ribs. Oh obviously split up with me and I wasn’t innocent or blameless but these were my friends’ and them coming to my house was innocent I didn’t think anything of it. However I do feel taken advantage of, an I wrong to feel like this? I almost feel like it was pre planned that they wanted something to happen on the walk back to mine as id linked arms with one of them (his oh isn’t my friend) and then remember walking ahead of them for a good few minutes. Both have denied it to my now ex oh and the one has said he fell asleep and the other one told ex oh that he left after 25 minutes. I have told my oh the truth eventually as I was initially trying to protect my female friend from finding out about what happened. I know I’m in the wrong completely but I can’t cope with my break up. I feel suicidal and took some tablets the other night and even tried cutting myself and I can’t even do that properly. It feels like my world has completely shut down and I’ve lost what I genuinely thought was my soulmate. We’ve been talking about stuff but I can’t be without him, I’ve hurt him so much and I can see how upset he is. Just don’t know how to get on like this, I know it’s early days but I hate myself and I don’t know how to make it better. We were meant to be going to a wedding together this weekend and now I’m obviously not going and I just want to be with him. How can I make this better?
It sounds like you were raped and you need to immediately take photos of the bruising, and go to the police.
This is what my ex oh wants me to do but I didn't scream no! I should have done but I didn't. Yes I was drunk but it's my fault too
You must see this and report this as rape. Go to the police and contact a charity or service that can help you. You aren't going to get over your break up until you have dealt with this. I think you are subconsciously deflecting your emotions and focusing on the break up.
You also need to be clear with him you were raped and how he reacts will show if he was ever the right person for you.
I've lost the man who meant everything to me and I don't know what to do but I can't cope. He was my world. I would never have done this to him especially risking it it with people with both knew.
@Doyoumind yes I am deflecting I suppose but I didn't say no at any point although I remember saying constantkybi don't know what's happening tonight, why is this going on. Honestly these two men are nice as anything normally. I'd count the one as a really good friend.
My ex oh has been amazing to be fair to him but I need him in my life. I love him with everything I've got.
Legally if you are too drunk to consent you haven't given consent, so it's rape. Because of our legal system there's a chance it won't even end up going to trial but you must report in case they do it again.
@Doyoumind yes I get that completely and I was absolutely drunk but I didn't say no. I don't think I really knew what I was doing though or what the consequences of it would be. I can't report them, I can't hurt my female friend too. It's bad enough that she might find out what happened.
I'm m just at the lowest point I've ever been At. I'm sat drinking a bottle of wine now so I can at least get some sleep today. I just wish I could turn the clocks back. I wasn't even meant to be going out that night. It's messed up my whole life.
It's they're word against mine. I'll never get anything from going to the police
I don't have any personal experience but you must get some help. Even if you don't want to go to the police, you must speak to someone because you can get to a place where you feel better than this, with help.
You don’t need to say no for it to be rape. If you were handcuffed and someone had sex with you and has left you with bruising, I’d say you were taken advantage of. It could also be subconsciously why you are now feeling so traumatised. Yet as you can’t remember properly, you can only attribute it to your split from bf.
I just can't feel better without my ex oh in my life. That man means the world to me. I can't lose him.
@Ozziewozzie yes I keep going back to our split as I know I can't be without him. But I know I can't take this further as I didn't say no anymore and I carried on
It does sound like you have been traumatised by this sexual encounter. Regardless of pursuing it through the police, it sounds as though you could really benefit from some counselling.
Is drinking something you do a lot of? Have you lost control before? Might be worth considering going tee total for a while and working out your feeling more clearly
From what you described though op, before that night, things had gone a little cold between you both. To recover from something like this, is incredibly difficult, particularly for the other person. You’d need really solid foundations to start with. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but your ex bf sounds as though he’s a decent chap still supporting you. I think your going to have to accept you’re not together to be fair to him and then maybe in time things change. But at the moment I’d let him go.
You poor thing. Reading your post makes my heary hurt for you.
You were raped.
It shouldnt have happened.
It was not your fault.
Your oh should have stuck by you. He should have recognised that you were a victim in all this. He didnt. And so he has also violated you.
You should contact a rape crisis centre. They will help. There may be a long road in front of you. You shouldnt have to tread it. But you are strong enough to do so. These men are not your friends. Be your own friend. Take care of yourself OP.
Rape is not a punishment for getting drunk.
Thank you ladies for your replies, yes I do fell like this is all made to be my fault. These are difficult circumstances and my oh had trust issues anyway. I'm just trying to understand what b happened and I cant
But I can't say it's rape because I didn't scream no. I let it happen. My ex oh is genuinely the love of my life and I've been married before. He was the one, honestly. I just can't do this anymore I can't live without him.
I don't think he gets what has happened and I understand that. He's hurting. This is not me I don't do stuff like this.
Lots of people don't scream no. Rape is sex without consent. If you consented to have sex but not to rough sex, you did not consent. If you said you didn't want to before hand, you did not consent. If you were to drunk to consent, you did not consent. If you did not defend yourself, it is still rape. If you didn't scream no, it is still rape. The fact that they are pretending nothing happened worries me, too.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP.
That doesn't sound like consent to me.
Please reach out to Rape Crisis for some support.
Don't suffer this alone.
We’ve been talking about stuff but I can’t be without him
You may need to face the fact that you will be without him.
You managed before him. You will need to learn to manage again as you did before.
Make yourself better first OP. Work on you. Work through what you went through.
Work on your own self-esteem. 9 months in and being this devastated is not OK. You need some support. Reach out!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.