I have issues around jealousy and I know it comes from my traumatic childhood. I try very hard not to show it in my relationship but every now and then something crops up and it preoccupies me and I don’t know how to address it if at all. I’m having therapy and the focus is on healing my past and trying to build up my self esteem .
I’m not sure if I should even be in a relationship because if this and I’m not sure what is worth getting in a state over and what’s just my overactive imagination.
I know that my bf is still in contact with all his exes and flings. When he’s on his phone I try not to look but I can’t help myself and I don’t like doing it but it’s like a compulsion. when he’s scrolling through messages I see various women’s names crop up in his recent messages. Often it’s a particular ex (just good friends) but other exes too as well as other women friends. Every time I look there are some of these women in the list.
He doesn’t show me I just do very indiscreet panic straining my eyes and neck whilst trying to appear nonchalant 
Obviously I can’t see the content of the messages but it always makes me feel weird. This weekend we went away and had an awesome time and we got back and he was was messaging a friend and then clicked back to the main message page and I saw the name of the girl before me (ten years younger and very attractive) before we’d got together he’d said how gorgeous and funny and clever she is and how she’d ticked all his boxes but she’d kept blowing hot and cold so they ended it.
The message was clearly very recent. I had no idea they were still in contact.
I have done some paranoid checking of her social media and she posts very sexy videos and photos of herself, has an amazing figure, always showing off her body and is very ‘hot’ , clever and funny, just like he said.
she gets a lot of ‘likes’ and attention and sometimes my bf has ‘liked’ her stuff.
My imagination is going into overdrive about what their messages might entail and I don’t feel I can ask him without it sounding like me being controlling.
I have asked about exes in the past when he’s not been forthcoming about their presence at events where he is and I don’t want to become an interrogator.
Later on he was flicking through his social media and I saw posts from her personal and business pages pop up. I asked him who she is as she often crops up as people I might know and he said he’d been seeing her briefly before me and then changed the subject immediately. It felt a bit awkward but I’m not sure if the awkwardness was because he didn’t like me questioning him rather than anything suspect...
We get on well and he’s lovely in lots of ways. We don’t live near each other but plan to later on. I have been undergoing some physical problems lately with my disability and have put on weight and unable to exercise. Recently I have noticed him checking out other women, which in itself is not a problem but he’s being much less discreet than usual , literally turning his head to look and look back as he’s walking rather than a quick glance (like the oft-used meme of the guy looking behind at another woman while his partner is next to him looking pissed off if you know the one I mean!)
I am probably waffling and sounding a bit mad but it’s really playing on my mind. I don’t like feeling this way at all, it’s tiring and time consuming and I’m too old for it!
I don’t want to end the relationship because of my anxiety and paranoia but at the same time it’s clearly doing me no good being like this.
I’m scared I’m going to be like this forever and unable to sustain any normal relationship. Through therapy it transpires that I’m exactly mirroring my mums jealous and paranoid behaviour and I’ve seen the pathological jealousy in my sister too, it’s very destructive and soul destroying being in this constant state of panic.
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Relationships
Insane jealousy
outherealone · 09/10/2019 08:59
I’m a big believer that an ex should stay in the past unless kids are involved obviously, but then contact should be reasonable. Ie not constantly in their fb page and messaging cutsie stuff.
Any man I’ve ever known who is frequently in touch in a ‘friendly’ way with an ex has had unresolved feelings.
I know you feel like the insecure one but has it occurred to you that your bf could be really insecure? In my experience, people who feel the need to have lots of contact with numerous exes, other women/men or gauging at attractive people walking by are actually really insecure. Always keeping their options open. Always on the look out for ‘the one’ or attached to ‘the one that got away’
People like this generally have had lots of partners, wives, husbands. They find it difficult to actually commit.
It can be really damaging to be in a relationship like this. I’m speaking from experience. You are left feeling inadequate, paranoid, insecure, jealous, not very attractive. Going out together becomes stressful as you’re constantly in the look out for attractive people who are likely to avert your dp gaze.
Your therapy will help you, but you need to realise that you are worth far more than to feel this way. You are perfectly worthy of a guy who only sees you as valuable in his life. Please don’t put all this blame on your shoulders. I really don’t get the impression this chap is good for you. You deserve better. X
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