Relationship anxiety and waiting for him to mess up again

[beachandcocktails]

Just that really. How do I sort my head out and stop myself worrying? It's driving me insane.

Been with my husband for 16 years and we have 2 DC, 7 and 9. We've gone through a pretty bad rough patch in the last couple of years and during that time he's hurt me BADLY. He's not a bad person, just doesn't think sometimes and yes, can be quite selfish at times. There's been no cheating or abuse - just some behaviour that's really hurt me.

We were pretty much at breaking point over the summer - in all honesty, I'd given up on us ever working things out, I felt like it was too far gone for us to ever be happy like we were before. There'd been lots of tears and talking, we'd both agreed more effort needed to be made, but then nothing changed.

Suddenly though, it has. He told me he's realised what a fucking idiot he's been and he knows how close he was to losing me, and he knows he needs to work hard to show me how much he loves and appreciates me. It's been a few weeks now and it's been fine. Better than fine to be honest. He's showing me more affection/attention, does more around the house, tells me he loves me all the time. So you're probably wondering what I'm complaining about?!

I suffer terribly anyway from anxiety and depression so I know this will be part of the problem (I'm awaiting a referral for CBT). But the problem is, I just can't relax and be happy. I'm just waiting for it to go wrong again, for him to fuck up again. I know that sounds awful and I know the simple answer is 'why worry about something until it's happened' but it's just not that easy. I lie awake at night wondering when it's going to go wrong again. I sound insane don't I? What can I do? I do know deep down in my head that he does love me, we talked a lot about separating and he had more than enough opportunity to leave if he wanted to. I know he loves me and wants us to work out. And it's what I really want too. So why is my brain so determined to mess it up?

[GoodbyePiccadilly]

He has hurt you badly in the past and now he is being loving and charming. You see yourself as going insane because you are wary. Perhaps another way of looking at it is that your gut instinct is warning you that being mean and then being charming is the cycle of an abuser. A nice person wouldn't have treated you like that.

You can give him a chance while making sure you have an escape plan if he messes up again? At the very least, your anxiety might be worth listening to.

[beachandcocktails]

I know people will read it and think the worst but he's honestly not been abusive or anything like that. We've been together that long and have kids together, and on the whole things are good at the moment. I just want to give it a proper chance, without anxiety and worries ruining it.

[HollowTalk]

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? It's like walking on eggshells.

What was it he did? Does it show something about him that you really don't like?

[Maide328]

I’m currently in the same situation, except my bf and I have been together for almost 3 years, we were broken up for 3 years and had been in a 6 year relationship prior to our first breakup. I feel like I’ve been giving it my most and don’t know know what to do

[Seaoftroubles]

Your anxiety is because you are on high alert waiting for him to mess up again. It's a horrible way to live. If it's a cycle or an addictive pattern on his part l doubt he will change long term without addressing it through counselling or similar. Has he ever sought any help for his behaviour?

[JorisBonson]

Zombie.

[Seaoftroubles]

@JorisBonson Oops thanks, missed that was a Zombie thread.