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How did you end marriage and following steps?

(38 Posts)
Loola6 Mon 07-Oct-19 14:56:18

Just interested in anyone sharing how they finally ended it with their husband when a child is involved. What did you say and what came next? We have a mortgage and young daughter and he’s not going to take it well so I need to be prepared... thanks

Mysty83 Mon 07-Oct-19 20:38:23

I tried once and he made me feel so guilty and made everything so difficult I gave up and stayed. Now I'm trying again. I told him the other night, he went mad and we havent spoke since. I've no idea what to do next as I cant have a rational conversation with him. He wont move out so i need to file for divorce but I cant bear to live with him whilst it's all happening as he will make life hell. Sorry not helping but in the same boat. Have you seen a solicitor? Maybe get some free advise first and get a plan together before u tell him xx

nicelyneurotic Mon 07-Oct-19 20:48:39

Speak to a solicitor first so you know what is likely to happen with assets. This helps when you have the separation chat. Hopefully he will move out. The space apart may help divorce proceedings to go more amicably too. Don't move out yourself. If you are worried he will turn violent, get the police involved beforehand.

Good luck

Loola6 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:40:35

Thanks @Mysty83 I imagine I’m going to have a similar response! Difficult and making me feel so guilty etc and I also don’t want to stay in the house with him but I very much doubt he will move out... I may have to! I have talked to a solicitor and she seems to think even if I move out I’m still entitled to half everything just scared about uprouting my daughter as she is likely on the spectrum and very particular about routine and get things etc... it’s so hard... then I just end up talking myself out of it!

Loola6 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:41:22

@nicelyneurotic thanks! I need all the luck I can get. Can I ask why you said don’t move out?

nicelyneurotic Mon 07-Oct-19 22:00:49

I understood it might be classed as abandonment of the family home? And you might lose the right to stay in it to raise your DC. But your solicitor is the best source of advice.

You might be surprised. He might move out. I found bringing up every little thing my ex had done wrong worked like a charm to get him to leave. He couldn't stand being confronted.

nicelyneurotic Mon 07-Oct-19 22:03:40

If you are the primary caregiver and the lower earner you may be awarded considerably more than 50% too. This has been the case for every divorced couple I've known.

DonKeyshot Mon 07-Oct-19 22:07:27

Are renting OP? If so, what names are on the tenancy agreement?

Loola6 Mon 07-Oct-19 22:42:13

@DonKeyshot I am joint home owner so have mortgage in my name with my husband. I’ve paid half mortgage for 5 years.
@nicelyneurotic I can 100% say that he won’t move out!!! Also re earnings I think he’s been pretty clever and on paper looks like he earns nothing as has his own business but he always has loads cash laying about and two expensive cars! Plus I’m sure stashed savings... but how would anyone find out as I’m sure he would just say he didn’t have anything?

Loola6 Mon 07-Oct-19 22:45:02

@nicelyneurotic I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay in the family home on my own anyway so might be best to move out till it’s sold or he buys me out? Only issue is my daughter would prefer to be in familiar surroundings I’m sure and if I move out and he stays there she would probably not like the new house and just want to be there... so hard!

DonKeyshot Mon 07-Oct-19 23:00:58

Your dd's needs are paramount and you've set out the major reason why you should stay in the marital home.

In addition, should the property need to be sold but you're no longer resident, he may be able to stall or otherwise hinder the sale leaving you financially disadvantaged and mighty frustrated.

If you proceed to divorce, he will be required to declare his income, savings, pensions, other assets etc on the Form E. You will have opportunity to scrutinise his claims of penury sworn declaration prior to resolving financial issues and should be aware that the courts do not take kindly to those who engage in deception.

Although the services of forensic accountants do not come cheap, they may be worth their weight in gold if you suspect he's hiding a lot more than he's revealed.

Loola6 Tue 08-Oct-19 11:09:25

@DonKeyshot I take your point re staying in the marital home, however I know he won't move out or have the money to buy me out so what would happen then?

DonKeyshot Tue 08-Oct-19 16:37:50

Providing you are living separately, you can file for divorce while remaining under the same roof as your stbxh, Loola.

Relocate your bedroom to a spare room, or move in with your dd, and don't provide any services for your stbxh such as cooking, laundry, etc and don't engage in marital relations with him.

He might not like it but he'll have to lump it until such time as the financials are resolved and the house is sold - presupposing that neither of you are in a position to buy the other out.

Mysty83 Tue 08-Oct-19 19:16:25

Yeah u would still be entitled to half if u move out but u would still have to pay half the mortgage so can u do this as well as rent somewhere else? I couldn't and he wont move out or buy me out so I need to force a sale through divorce. Last time he said he would fight it every step of the way so it could take years! I'm just coasting until I find the balls to make the next move! Its exhausting. Good luck, let us know how u get on xx

DonKeyshot Tue 08-Oct-19 19:46:41

It's often the case that abusive men say that they will fight divorce proceedings 'every step of the way', but when they are made aware of the eye-watering cost of contesting a divorce they tend to change their tune.

No-one needs balls to start divorce proceedings online or via solicitors. Get him served and plough through any recalcitrant behaviour on his part.

Where there's a will there's a way and there are ways to ensure that divorce proceedings progress in a timely manner.

Depending on how busy the court is, you can expect to be in possession of a decree nisi within 3-4 months of filing and the decree absolute can be applied for after financial matters and child arrangements (if applicable) have been resolved.

Mysty83 Tue 08-Oct-19 20:06:03

Yes your right. Hes just so upset by the whole thing and the thought of him recieveing divorce papers whilst I'm still living with him fills me with dread but I know i need to just get on and do it! Good luck Loola6 xx

DonKeyshot Tue 08-Oct-19 20:46:03

My advice would be to file now in the hope that the majority of any unpleasantness is done and dusted by Christmas.

Avoid filing in January/February when courts/solicitors are chock-a-block with couples seeking divorce because the festive season proved to be less than harmonious for them.

Loola6 Tue 08-Oct-19 21:56:17

Thanks @Mysty83 what would happen if I just stopped paying the mortgage and claimed I had to move out due to it being an unliveable atmosphere and my husband is controlling so it will be. Can I not just pay rent on new property and then ask him to either buy me out or sell house?

Mysty83 Tue 08-Oct-19 22:05:11

I think you are still liable for the mortgage if your name is on it no matter what the circumstances. He may well be happy paying for it if u move out but I know my husband certainly wouldnt. Even if he buys you out/you sell the process is still going to take time so if hes not willing to cover the mortgage can you afford 2 places?

Loola6 Tue 08-Oct-19 22:11:53

Not really unless I stick it on a credit card, don’t really want to do that... but can’t imagine how awful it would be living with him once filed for divorce and trying to sort finances. I’ve been told we have to have mediation is that right?

DonKeyshot Wed 09-Oct-19 00:15:16

If you're going to stick anything on your credit card make it solicitors/court fees, Loola.

You can read about MIAMs and mediation here:
but please note that legal aid no longer exists for divorce unless there has been domestic abuse/violence that has been reported to and recorded by the police/health professionals - this would also be reason to bypass mediation and go straight to court,

Mediators can earn a fortune are independent agents. Look for a mediator who is not conflict averse and don't be afraid to haggle over fees.

Also please click on this link and scroll down to read the advice I posted on this thread together with another mumsnetter's experience of mediation.

DonKeyshot Wed 09-Oct-19 00:41:58

Would it be fair to say that you're not a victim of domestic abuse/violence and your problem is a man who doesn't want to face the prospect of change lose his family, despite being a lazy git/puts his needs & wants first/is a whinging minger/insensitive lover/downright boring stick in the mud etc, and who will turn mighty ornery and attempt to make your life hell if you rock the boat, Loola?

category12 Wed 09-Oct-19 06:09:00

It sounds like he'll hide assets and avoid paying child support etc from your description. So I would stay, not move out, because he's going to stiff you in the long and short term. You may be able to get him out with an occupation order. Separate lives, separate finances and no cooking/eating together, no doing chores for him and get your divorce rolling.

LemonTT Wed 09-Oct-19 10:36:25

Whilst you do need to think about the long term and the process, it shouldn’t be what the first conversation is about.

I don’t know your circumstances but I don’t think one persons desire to end a marriage comes without a lot of context. So I assume things aren’t working out and never will for you as a couple.

For the first conversation I would want to come away with both of you accepting that the marriage isn’t working and it needs to end. There’s no need for blame. Even if he starts the blame and finger pointing, you should just restate you the marriage isn’t working and it’s no ones fault. If the conversation goes awry here, end it. Have an escape route and statement planned. Give him space.

The second thing to get out of conversation is recognition that if you split now rather than in the future it will be better for both of you. It gives you time to rebuild you finances whilst you are young and you have the opportunity to meet new people. Ones who are better for you.

The final, if you get there, is to acknowledge it means you will both take financial hits. But that you need to maintain stability and security for your daughter. Working out what that you is will be the next conversation. One were you decide if you can afford to split homes immediately or not. One were you agree mediation.

DonKeyshot Wed 09-Oct-19 15:57:07

As you've mentioned that you are being subjected to abuse and control on another thead and, from what you'v said, I suspect he's been gaslighting you, click on this link scrolll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service and make contact asap. Alternatively, google your local council/authority to see if they have a domestic abuse unit.

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