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What would you do, because tbh I really dont know.

(71 Posts)
Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:11:30

This might be long and maybe I should have done a name change but fuck it.
I shall start from the begining so that you see the full picture too.

Basically a friend and colleague of dh (who is now a good friend of mine), her dh died just over a month ago and she has a dd who is the same age as our ds.
Anyway we went for a day out together on Saturday and we said lets look into a holiday for us all next summer. Somewhere like Centre Parcs maybe, nothing too pricey.
So when we got back I got a quote and we were looking at £400 for 5 days away. Then we start looking at Eurocamp hols and the like.
Dh is then bit by the holiday bug and starts looking at allsorts. He then goes on about going snowboarding kind of jokey and I said no way because the new baby will only be 6 months old.
Skip to yesterday and I had gone to bed with retched SPD pain. While I'm there, he's been pricing up holidays to Canada in January.
Last night he starts telling me how it only costs 1.5k to go to Canada to stay in an executive lodge. I say dont be so stupid, new baby will be 1 month old. My response "Oh yeah I didnt think about that".

So to cut a long story short is that he wants to take dd on his own in January and leave me with a one month old baby, ds who will be 16 months and 2 dogs just so he can go snowboarding, not to mention the week snowboarding he's going on in March too. I told him how unhappy I was about that but he still has every intention of going.

Anyway, cue massive argument. I lost it big time and got really upset because he just wouldnt see that I didnt want him to go because of the new baby.
He said he doesnt see what the big deal is, babies only sleep and drink, I need to see a Physciatrist and sort out my mental health issues

Today we have barely spoken but argued again before he went to work.
He said he hated me, wants to go to the solicitors, he doesnt see why he should have to live with my inadequcies (sp, i know its wrong), house will go on the market, i have to cancel the family get together for ds's birthday next week because he hates my family oh and if I dont sprt out my mental health issues by next year hes leaving.

So basically I said that if thats what he was thinking then theres no point in staying around, I would go to my mums and get my name on the council house list and just go.
I told dh I wouldnt be here when he comes home tomorrow from work but I called my mum, she spoke some sense and I am still here.
But tbh I dont know if I want to be.
He will come home tomorrow and still not listen to me or reason and all I can think is why should I live with that.

He's said alot of the things above before and I know alot of it is reactionary but I get so sick of it.
Without making excuses I am struggling atm with anxiety but ffs I'm 24 weeks pg, I think I'm still in shock about being pg so quick and I need a bit of sodding support. Not a dh who thinks its ok to bugger off and book a holiday when our 3rd child will be 1 month old.

So someone please talk some sense to me and tell me what you'd do cos I feel so buggered up atm.
Am just gonna throw my children into bed and then I will be back.

Thank you.

Miaou Mon 13-Aug-07 19:17:33

Blimey nbg, I'm so sorry . My dh can be such an arse sometimes but not quite on that scale.

I've got no advice but didn't want to see this slip down active convos without being answered.


ledodgy Mon 13-Aug-07 19:21:48

He's being unreasonable. I can't advise you in what to do but do know how you feel re: the anxiety, pregnancy and feeling unsupported so lots of empathy here. I hope someone comes along who can offer some advice.

flowerybeanbag Mon 13-Aug-07 19:21:50

Nbg no suggestions here I'm afraid, I honestly don't know what I would do, at this attitude from your DH.
You are right you definitely shouldn't have to live with that, not at all, especially as you have children.
Only thought is, is he doing that thing some men do where they behave like cretins in an attempt to provoke woman into dumping them to avoid doing it themselves? No idea though, really.
Don't know what to suggest I'm afraid, but lots of support anyway.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ Mon 13-Aug-07 19:23:32

Let him go, he will have a great time and a miserable time.

You make yourself busy and be available only 75% of the time for phone calls. If he is not touching base all the time he will feel like shoite. My DH had to go to the States on business when DS was about 6 weeks, when he got back he could not believe the change in DS.

His conscience was clear because it was business but your DH...........well he will have to live with that.

cousinsandra Mon 13-Aug-07 19:27:30

my god, poor you, how stressful. He sure is being unreasonable - could you put it down to manfear of extra responsibility and this is the most acceptable way of doing a (short term) runner. My dh was fairly lame after the two births and I felt really let down - I like to think it's because he was intimidated by my (ok, our) amazing talent to create human life and felt frightened etc, etc.
Does he talk about it or does he maintain the stance of 'I'm off'?

NAB3 Mon 13-Aug-07 19:30:53

Let him go. He will miss the lovely early days with the baby and you will feel GREAT that you coped on your own. When he gets back he owes you BIG time. Days to go off without kids on your own, with his credit card. Breakfast in bed, dinners cooked for months, you get the idea.
If he carries on with the I'm leaving if you don't sort out your head just change the locks when he is out. That is way too mean.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:31:00

Am not crying anymore, I've had enough of it.

The thing is if I let him go he will do this again and again and again but with other things because I get the attitude "its my money, I'll do what I want".
But how am I supposed to tackle or reason with someone like that?

And as much as I'd like to think he was having a crap time there, he really wouldnt be. Snowboarding is his love and he'd be in his element.

Heathcliffscathy Mon 13-Aug-07 19:32:19

yup, fine, he can go snowboarding. of course you will need a full time maternity nurse/nanny whilst he is away to pick up the slack. quid pro quo.

LazyLineLegilimens Mon 13-Aug-07 19:33:34

But it's not as if you only have to deal with a new baby, you have another child and all sorts of other responsibilities to deal with as well. It is unfair of him to leave you like that to go halfway round the world to have some fun.

I think that I would be gutted to find out that DH thought it would be okay to do such a thing.

Aside from these issues, anything could happen between now and the baby being born. I don't know your financial situation, but what if something went wrong and he had to cancel and then you lost the money. Seems foolish to me to be booking a leisure holiday at that time. Work would be different.

Sorry that you are having such a shitty time, you should be able to rely on your DH at times like this. He should not be creating extra crap for you to deal with, IMO.

What are the chances that he will have a think and realise he just got carried away with the holiday searching and change his mind?

My thought are with you

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:34:18

also he is using what I think is an excuse of taking dd because come Sept she will be going to school so this is the last chance she can go away in term time.

He has said on many occasions that I should take her to disney land with just me and her but 1) I dont want just us to go and 2) I wouldnt feel right doing it.

cousinsandra Mon 13-Aug-07 19:35:30

I know what you mean nbg - not wanting to sound flippant, but it's like with kids, if you make an ultimatum and don't follow through you won't be taken seriously again. But equally you shouldn't have to even be thinking about such upheaval when pg with no.3. Could Relate be an option? It's a great way to see these conversations to some kind of conclusion, good or bad.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:36:30

Lazyline, thats another fair point that I was thinking.

What if I end up being induced and have a section, my due date is 28th Nov so induction would be middle of dec.

But of course I'm just being stupid thinking like that.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:38:18

Cousinsandra, I really do think Relate would be a good idea.
I always think with our disagreements that we need a mediator because he just will not listen.

paulaplumpbottom Mon 13-Aug-07 19:38:45

He sounds very selfish

KaySamuels Mon 13-Aug-07 19:38:47

Is he panicked? There are two big things I can see just from your post here,
1) he has a new baby on the way, extra responsibilities (sp?), etc blah blah blah man fear
2) his colleague's partner has died - oh my god my peer has died I need to do so much before I cark it too.

Even if these things are freaking him out, he is still being a WNKR, and tbh I think he needs to apologise profusely or you need to leave. Just my opinion though, and what I would do in your shoes. Re arrange your family meet up and tell him to bog off out for the day if he can't be civil to your relatives for the sake of your children for the duration of their visit. No wonder you are anxious.

cousinsandra Mon 13-Aug-07 19:41:02

would he go to Relate? When things were bad with me and dh we nearly got there - he was talking solicitors etc and I said that it would save a bundle of money if we went there first for mediation! I have several friends who have tried/are trying it and all have been very positive.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:42:07

In a way I feel I need to fight his corner somewhat as he is an amazing dad.
He does allsorts with the kids and when hes at home hes a big help and doesnt just sit on his behind.

I think he is panicking about finances atm but then hes willing to spend that amount on a holiday.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:42:51

I dont know if he would do relate tbh.
He might do, I'm not sure though.

KaySamuels Mon 13-Aug-07 19:46:36

If he is a good dad in the home then appeal to his paternal side, your dcs will benefit form you going to relate. Tell him it will give you both a chance to get things off your chest and resolve problems together, instead of having nasty upsetting rows, which are no good for you whilst pg.

DaphneHarvey Mon 13-Aug-07 19:52:24

Blimey. What a horrendous situation. Tell him again that you really don't want him to go. Ask him how he would like it if you went off on your own when the new baby is just a month old? Breastfeeding aside (I don't know whether you are planning to bf or ff) there is no reason why you shouldn't go and leave him holding the baby - even though you obviously don't want to. Have one last effort at making him see how unreasonable he is being, tell him in no uncertain terms that not wanting him to go away a month after you have given birth does NOT mean you have mental health issues. Wait and see if he goes ahead and books the holiday, even knowing how much you don't want him to. If he does ... then I'm afraid I would leave him. Even if you love him - ask yourself seriously, how could you love someone who is prepared to treat you so badly?

What I'm trying to say, in a nutshell, is do not be bullied or intimidated into NOT letting him know again how unreasonable he is being. Even if it gets you nowhere, you have to have your say.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 19:58:38

Apparently theres no hard work in looking after the children at the ages they are.

If he doesnt see reason tomorrow or have a normal conversation, I dont know what to do.

I wouldnt stay here. I'd have to uproot and go back to my home town.

What joy when you have the perfect midwife set up, a dd in a lovely preschool and a nice home.

tissy Mon 13-Aug-07 20:01:54

hang on, exactly what is he going to do with dd? Teach her to snowboard? Fine, but when is he going to snowboard on his own? And what about the apres-snowboard- he won't be able to go out drinking with the lads with a 4 year old in tow, and will have very boring nights if he sits in the hotel room with her.

then there's the transatlantic flight with a 4 yr old, not a picnic, i can tell you.

he's not thought it through!

persephonesnape Mon 13-Aug-07 20:05:28

he's being a total arse - you're pregnant with his child ffs ( for the third time!) and he's upsetting you on purpose.

personally i wouldn't stand for this treatment and i wouldn't go on the council list either - stay in the house. the house doesn't have to go on the market while you and the children are living there. see a lawyer as soon as possible.

if it's any small consolation, my ex left when my boys were 1 and 2 years old - i think there will be a similar gap between your youngest and your new baby. I won't lie, it's not easy when they're that little, but it is do-a-ble. don't be scared.

Nbg Mon 13-Aug-07 20:14:42

I wouldnt want the house.
Theres nothing to keep me here. I have no friends here.
I can get a new midwife and I can get dd a new school. Just a shame when she loves hers so much.

He plans to let dd have ski lessons and thats when he would snowboard. The rest of the time I have no idea what he would do.
He doesnt drink so that wouldnt bother him but I'm sure the nights would be pretty boring.

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