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Relationships

Am I being too hard on him?

125 replies

Lifemong · 04/10/2019 22:15

Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

Subject:
Am I being too hard on him?

Message:
Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

OP posts:

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flipperdoda · 04/10/2019 22:30

You are not being too harsh. I think the best thing that could happen is allowing this split to become permanent.

To put it bluntly, he sounds selfish and like he doesn't really care about you. Trying to hug it out is brushing things under the carpet. He is short with you when you're upset, he thinks you're overreacting, and doesn't make a genuine effort to understand why you're upset and discuss it and/or prevent it happening again.

The phrase "he thinks no one else is better than him" actually made my jaw drop. The point you realised he genuinely thought that should have been the point you walked away - but we live and learn.