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Am I being too hard on him?

(119 Posts)
Lifemong Fri 04-Oct-19 22:15:52

Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

Subject:
Am I being too hard on him?

Message:
Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

flipperdoda Fri 04-Oct-19 22:30:02

You are not being too harsh. I think the best thing that could happen is allowing this split to become permanent.

To put it bluntly, he sounds selfish and like he doesn't really care about you. Trying to hug it out is brushing things under the carpet. He is short with you when you're upset, he thinks you're overreacting, and doesn't make a genuine effort to understand why you're upset and discuss it and/or prevent it happening again.

The phrase "he thinks no one else is better than him" actually made my jaw drop. The point you realised he genuinely thought that should have been the point you walked away - but we live and learn.

flipperdoda Fri 04-Oct-19 22:30:56

I'm also very sorry for your miscarriage flowers

Lifemong Fri 04-Oct-19 22:41:22

Thank you first of all for taking the time out to reply. I am constantly questioning myself if my actions are right and if I'm going to loose this really great guy. I'm happy your jaw dropped as some of the comments he makes often make my jaw drop. An example my sisters husband is a very loving guy and would do anything for is wife and kids. My OH calls him a puppy and maybe that's what I need. I honestly give up. I can explain until I'm blue in the face and he still never gets my opinion about things. I have come to HATE his opinions about most things as most of them result in him looking down on people.

Astronica Sat 05-Oct-19 06:52:02

This is terrible behaviour and attitude on his part. Everything has to be on his terms, even your feelings. He thinks you are stupid for having feelings - and for having feelings that are different to his feelings! He is making no attempt to get to know you and to understand you. I think you should permanently end it.

SonEtLumiere Sat 05-Oct-19 08:34:32

Knowing his character now, would you start a relationship with him or would you run a mile? You’d run the mile. He is just a nasty person, so run the mile now whilst you are still young and don’t have kids with him

category12 Sat 05-Oct-19 08:54:10

He's incredibly selfish and not very nice. Basically he wants you not to have any needs of your own, and the way he behaved with your family was shocking.

He's never going to make you happy. Leave him.

Lifemong Sat 05-Oct-19 22:53:53

Again thank you for taking the time to reply, your right about run a mile and it just answers the question doesn't it really. 90% of the time it's a good relationship, we live well together but I feel it's only good because I go along with a lot of things. As soon as I get "feelings" or upset about something he dismisses it and I get even more upset and we end up here over and over again.

Last night he said hes sick of me keep going on and on and tells me that all relationships have problems and if I cant get myself out of my state then he will leave me and I will loose him.

I dont know if any of you have ever been past the point of no return but I'm pretty sure I'm there now, I'm at the point of not caring and also giving him a taste of his own medicine which he hates in terms of having no interest in what hes been up to day to day.

We live together so it's tough but have been in separate rooms for 2 weeks. I took the flat on and he moved in after I forgave him last time. I pay 80% of the bills so I'll just have to wait until he has finally had enough to find his own place or 2nd thought maybe I should just kick him out!

leomama81 Sat 05-Oct-19 23:40:16

Just kick him out!! And why do you pay 80 percent of the bills??

He sounds nasty, untrustworthy, narcissistic and manipulative.

And any man who can be messaging another woman online while you are in hospital miscarrying is definitely the type to be cheating anytime - that is absolutely the lowest of the low.

Really, kick him out and don't look back.

flipperdoda Sun 06-Oct-19 09:02:44

Kick him out. He's literally said (in as many words) "if you keep talking to me about our relationship issues I'll leave".
1 he clearly doesn't think there are any issues/care that you do/want to fix them
2 he sees himself as such a prize that when trying to stop you doing something he threatens you with the loss of his oh so wonderful self.

Lifemong Mon 07-Oct-19 08:19:15

I pay 80% of the Bill's because he doesn't earn much and the part of the world we live in rents are high. But I could say to him we should split everything 50/50 but I am compassionate and empathetic because he also had a child to pay for. If the boot was on the other foot I'm not sure he would be so compassionate.

He is clinging on and has told me he doesn't understand and of this and why cant we just go back to normal life now and why am I so set on ruining everything. He asked me what do you want, I said more than just putting all of this under the carpet. I need to be heard and respected and feel valued and more, his answer was simple. I do all that. Nothing more. A man of very few words. I said so if you are all that why cant you express that why do I have to tell you the answers. I need more but when I say I need more he tells me I am materialistic

joystir59 Mon 07-Oct-19 08:23:27

He needs the relationship far more than you but has no appreciation or gratitude for what you provide. He sounds childish and unpleasant.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 07-Oct-19 08:24:07

You're not being too harsh.

A partner should make your life easier.

Hederex Mon 07-Oct-19 09:07:06

He sounds almost sociopathic.

GrumpiestCat Mon 07-Oct-19 09:10:17

If not sociopathic he sounds like hard work. You know this relationship isn't for you. It'll end eventually, it's just whether now or in another few miserable years!

amiapropermum Mon 07-Oct-19 09:18:03

He sounds awful to me. That aside, you don't seem compatible and that's okay. You've tried your best but you can't carry it all on your own

Windydaysuponus Mon 07-Oct-19 09:21:40

He is a cocklodger isn't he? And an abusive one.
Send him packing today op.

Jaffacakesaremyfave Mon 07-Oct-19 09:30:17

He's a narcissist https://youtu.be/0httk38B1EQ

You are being emotionally abused

Hghyfffhj Mon 07-Oct-19 09:32:22

You sound really lovely and seem to be thinking long and hard whether this relationship is for you. I'm so very sorry about your miscarriage and that he was doing what he was doing at the time. This would have been a massive turning point for me. How dare he think he is still worth keeping after that? You need somebody who is going to be a true life partner and look after you through all your ups and downs. I think you can do much better xxxx

TheAlternativeTentacle Mon 07-Oct-19 09:36:19

He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life.

Apart from when he is trying to fuck other people and treating you like shit.

And he doesn't even pay his way. I'm shocked and stunned.

Take him up on the offer of 'losing him'. Pronto.

Lifemong Mon 07-Oct-19 20:21:24

I agree with all that everyone is saying here, but I also hear a small voice telling me relationships are supposed to be worked on? Until now its been me doing the working, me trying to explain myself to him.
Tonight he has come to me and said he gets it all, he must lower his high opinions, he must start to care for me more and have more interest. But and a big BUT again I feel like although he is acknowledging it now it has taken 3 weeks to get to this point and I feel I have heard it ALL before. we have a good 6 months and then I get "feelings" about something. He passes his comment, I get upset, then I get ignored, then I get sad, then I get angry and then I just shut down.

Again the voice is telling me at least he is acknowledging it and willing to work?

I have still not given in, I am still keeping my position. My thoughts are to ask him to write me a letter outlining his conditions, I need deep thoughts and emotions put into this. simple words is no longer enough. At the same time I also write a letter outlining my terms. We come together read them aloud and if they dont match we call it a day.

SusieOwl4 Mon 07-Oct-19 20:29:03

first of all you are right in a way in that you should not try and change him . It wont work . So don't hold out any hopes . As he wont change then will he make a good father ? Will he support you if things are hard ? Does he respect your opinion ?

I think you know the answers and therefore I think you know in your heart of heart that you deserve more .

Sorry for your loss .

amiapropermum Mon 07-Oct-19 20:31:59

Until now its been me doing the working, me trying to explain myself to him

Here's your answer. He's only coming up with a suggestion of how to improve things because he knows he's losing you. His suggestion is ridiculous. He thinks he must lower his high opinions and start to care for you more hmm

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Mon 07-Oct-19 20:33:53

OP, he is not "a really great guy". Yes, a relationship should be worked on, but it should be worked on by both people, it shouldn't be one person putting in all the effort. He's only giving you these platitudes now because he can sense you're drifting away. This man is not going to change. Reclaim your flat and give him the boot. You can do much better than this. Find someone who loves and respects you.

Sandysweep Mon 07-Oct-19 20:37:24

Hi. From what I've read, you seem like a very kind caring person, and hes totally taking advantage of that fact. Relationships should be equal, and it doesn't seem to me like it's very equal! You give and he takes! I think you'd be better off out of it, apart from anything you just don't sound like you're compatible. Cut your losses and move on, which I know is easier said than done, but I think in the long run it's what needs to be done. Best of luck to you ❤

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