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Husband depressed or doesn’t love me?

(24 Posts)
LemonFritz Fri 04-Oct-19 12:55:58

We’ve had a whole host of issues recently (started in July) - would have been relatively minor and blown over but my DH drew them out for 6 weeks with lying, gaslighting and dripfeeding. In this time I was very distressed but also hysterically bonding. He somewhat disengaged and developed ?depression.

For the last month he has been up and down about wanting to continue our marriage and it has taken its toll. Sometimes he loves me, sometimes he adores me, sometimes he is “flat” and suspects the true reason he is flat may be because he doesn’t want to be married. He would have not considered separation prior to the discussions that started in July.

We are 30, been together since school, married 9 years, two DC 7 and 5. We were the “perfect couple”.

Last night I explained that I am no longer going to fight to prove my worth or the value of our marriage - he is devaluing me and I am facilitating it. He said he wanted to keep trying but felt flat - i.e. no feelings about it continuing or ending.

I am struggling to live with a man who isn’t certain he loves me. He spends a fair bit of time discussing why I’m not right for him, etc. (Reasons like I don’t enjoy dungeons and dragons, he changes his interests very regularly, it would be very unusual for another individual in a relationship to be enthusiastically into exactly the same flavour of the month at exactly the same time). He sent me this message today. Flighty refers to him wanting to move out.

Do I continue to put myself last and devalue myself to support him, or do I scrape up my self-esteem and self-worth and walk away before he does?

I have two children and financially am unable to support myself.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 04-Oct-19 13:00:34

I was very distressed but also hysterically bonding
Did he cheat on you?
Has he sought help for his 'depression'?
Is he taking medication?
Getting counselling?

LemonFritz Fri 04-Oct-19 13:04:39

He is getting counselling. It is his private therapy but I think one of the major pieces of conversation is whether our marriage and his lack of feelings for me is causing his depression.

No cheating as far as I’m aware but was checked out emotionally. Had a crush on someone from work but no emotional affair - she is now in a relationship with a different colleague.

No medication.

MarianaMoatedGrange Fri 04-Oct-19 13:12:46

He had a crush? Sounds like he wants to explore other options.

He spends a fair bit of time discussing why I’m not right for him, etc

Justifying to himself reasons for wanting to shag someone else.

windandme Fri 04-Oct-19 13:15:24

Honestly, it sounded like he'd checked out before I was that message.

I would say he trying to get you to do the dirty work and end it as he's a coward.

windandme Fri 04-Oct-19 13:16:29

And that does read as depression. More distance and not caring. I'm sorry op, how scary and shit.

AmIThough Fri 04-Oct-19 13:19:09

It sounds like he's had his head turned and it's confused his feelings to me.

I think he does love you but he's no longer sure about the marriage. It's hard if you've only ever been with each other and it sounds like his head being turned has made him wonder if the grass is greener.

He does seem genuine sad about the situation but I don't know that there's anything you can do to fix it.

Adollop Fri 04-Oct-19 13:22:03

It must be really hard for you to deal with, sorry you're in this situation.

As someone struggling with depression, I just wanted to add that it does affect your feelings. I've been in this situation, not knowing how I feel, unable to grasp a clear thought. It could be the depression talking. Being attracted to other women could be his way of trying to find a way to feel better (I'm not saying it's acceptable, but sometimes with depression you just try to escape from how you're feeling, and it can be hard to understand why you feel the way you do, or what is causing the depression).

Sorry, I'm not explaining well. And I could be wrong, as obviously I don't know your husband. But depression affects how you feel about everything and may not be rational.

Fatshedra Fri 04-Oct-19 13:33:54

He sounds fed up and wanting a change.
Has he suggested how he will do the 50:50 care of the DCs when you separate as you will need to get a decent job to keep your head above water.
Ime men don't think of this side of things, instead they think they'll have a new single life fun, selfish, easy, whilst you raise the DCs.

Crystal049 Fri 04-Oct-19 13:51:55

I really feel for you! I am going through exactly the same thing, been with my DH since 18 (now 37) and we have two DC and last September he started being strange and it’s continued since then (13 months and counting...) he moved into temporary rental to get space he’s been there 4 months now. He’s up and down, I don’t think he’s cheated, I think he’s depressed and can’t get out of it. He’s seeing a counsellor and not sure if that’s really doing anything, I’m in a limbo. It’s horrible, you carry the weight of it all on your back, you have to be strong and fight for him but don’t let him take you for a mug either!

MarianaMoatedGrange Fri 04-Oct-19 14:14:45

you have to be strong and fight for him

I really see no reason why OP should 'fight' for him.

No need for you Crystal049 to remain in limbo while your husband lives like a single man. Get a life for yourself and maybe suggest his current single status becomes official.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 04-Oct-19 14:20:11

He sounds like an immature twat who blames you for all the ills in his pathetic little world. Dungeons and Dragons? Are you fucking kidding me? I would be telling him to walk his arse right out the door and go be miserable somewhere else.

Greenmum2019 Fri 04-Oct-19 19:57:06

Ah man. I really feel for you. I have been in this for a year.

My husband is depressed but also the spark has gone...

We have these same chats and my confidence hit rock bottom.

He ha now moving our end of the month. I'm hoping this practical change with either ease us into a divorce or is both being happier without the mundane routine together with the kids.

I'm sad and gutted, but at least I'm not in limbo and constantly trying to please an unpleasable person.

This lonliness, I feel on my own is nothing like the loneliness I felt in the relationship.

LemonFritz Fri 04-Oct-19 22:02:02

It just sucks. On the whole he was the most beautiful life partner and co-parent. Now he doesn’t want me anymore 😞.

He came home from work and would barely look at me. I’m away for the weekend (pre-arranged). I think he will tell me he’s leaving when I get back.

Fatshedra Sat 05-Oct-19 08:24:28

Is he taking the DCs with him or are you going to raise them virtually alone. I would say it's better for the DCs to be 50:50 but that isn't what you want.

0lga Sat 05-Oct-19 08:42:51

I know someone whose husband did this. He wasn’t sure what he wanted so he moved into the spare bedroom. From where he lived like a single man. He acted like he was the lodger - stayed away for days on end without even telling her, barely spoke to her expect to give her orders. Because he was “ confused “ and “ depressed “ and “ seeing a counsellor “.

She “ fought for her marriage “ by putting up with it. She had little option anyway because she was a SAHM with a part time job and he was a big earner, facilitated by her doing EVERYTHING at home and raising their three young children Single handed.

I’d love to tell you that after a few months he saw the error of his ways . And finally realised what a great wife he had, loyally running the house , working and raising his kids without even a work of kindness from him, let alone companionship, love or affection.

But no. They are still living like this 5 years later. He treats her worse than the dirt on his shoes and spends a few hours a week max with his children. While she works, runs the house and the children. He still spends half the week “ working away “ ( I assume with OW).

He refuses to move out and she can’t force him. She’s stuck in this limbo and doesn’t see a way out.

He’s still going for counselling of course. Fuck knows what he’s telling the counsellor. Presumably that his wife doesn’t understand him .

Don’t be my friend OP. Tell him to move out now . Otherwise he won’t know what he’s missing.

LemonFritz Sat 05-Oct-19 10:14:02

This is just the worst, although it has been a slow burn and I am more used to the idea of him walking out than the initial shock of when it first happened. I do truly love being married to him but that’s not in my control and I have to let go. It is agony, but I know that I have braved grief before.

I am an intelligent, attractive(ish) and kind woman with a lot to offer. I will enjoy my life and not let it be poisoned.

No one but me determines my worth.

When he inevitably tells me he’s leaving, what do I say?... Okay - what’s your plan re: children and money?

DeeCeeCherry Sat 05-Oct-19 16:07:49

Sorry OP I read your post and thought FFS let him fuck off then with his stupid dithering and airy fairy reasoning, navel gazing on your time and wanting you to see and hear it all, despite it upsetting you.

If he wanted to stay all this wouldn't even be a conversation. He's scared of the unknown and having to make a new life. Either that, or someone else has turned his head and he's got somewhere else to go but is secretly looking for justification ie it's your fault.

He needs to make a decision one way or the other then STFU, man up, and get on with life.

Glad you told him you're no longer going to fight to prove your worth. Why should you?

Get your plans in place, never mind him. Get advice re children, money etc do what you must, for you and the DCs. Don't tell him your plans either, just make sure you're prepared.

Elder B was 'depressed' (self-diagnosed of course) and 'seeing a counsellor'(supposedly). Not 6 months later told his wife 'It's not you it's me' blah blah blah, then pissed off with his OW. Not saying your H is definitely the same but whether he is or isn't, look out for yourself.

PickMyselfUpAgain Sat 05-Oct-19 17:01:44

Oh OP. You have literally written what I'm going through and feeling. I hate that someone else is in this but I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts. We WILL get through this and we WILL end up happier in the long run. x

CloudyWithAChance2 Sat 05-Oct-19 17:58:29

Sounds like he has someone else on the go or at least has feelings for someone else which is making him question his relationship with you.

Greenmum2019 Sat 05-Oct-19 18:26:09

Yes, tell.him yes you believe it to be best thing.

I said, I want you to go. I want us be happy. I love you but I can't live like this, I can't let you make me feel like this anymore.

LemonFritz Thu 10-Oct-19 08:10:59

I was away Friday night-Tuesday night. We started off LC, just communicating about children. I had a glass of wine on Saturday night and phoned him (kicked myself the next day) basically said I don’t want to live away from the children 50% of the time and left the door a little open, he did not say much at the time. We went back to LC.

He phoned me on Monday night and said he had had an epiphany and loved me and our family. I came home on Tuesday night feeling very wary, he was still adamant about his epiphany. He has changed his tune many times over the months but genuinely feels like my real life “normal” husband for the first time in three months.

I feel so sad and confused. He apparently loves me and wants our lives together, and for the first time has remained consistent Whilst away I managed to disengage and focus on myself and my own feelings, I left him to his own mess without trying to fix it for him. Truly accepted the outcomes and my lack of control.

I don’t want to separate, to become a single parent, to not see my children every day. However, how will I ever look at him the same way?

He has been home and my anchor since we were children. It took me a long time to trust him when we were young (I had a difficult childhood) but when I did, I gave him my whole heart. He was always adoring and devoted to me. I feel that being unsure he loves me and querying separation for a prolonged period is unfaithful to the wedding vows we made. I loved him with my whole heart and he wasn’t sure he wanted me. He’s not my DH any more. My home. My safety.

I’m just getting some feelings out there. I’m trusting my own feelings and listening to myself. Hopefully clarity will develop.

beachandcocktails Thu 10-Oct-19 15:59:33

@LemonFritz I just wanted to send you some flowers

I feel that being unsure he loves me and querying separation for a prolonged period is unfaithful to the wedding vows we made. I loved him with my whole heart and he wasn’t sure he wanted me. He’s not my DH any more. My home. My safety

Yep I could have written this myself. My DH told me in the summer he wasnt happy and didnt know what he wanted any more. It absolutely floored me. Like you, we had some time apart and then he had an 'epiphany' however it's completely shattered my whole world and all the security I previously felt in our marriage. He's admitted he's been depressed for quite a while (I'm sure some will roll their eyes at that but it really is true in his case and I dont know how I didnt see it before) which contributed to it, he says it just clouded all his thoughts and he felt numb about everything, including our relationship. He didnt know if he loved me.

He now tells me he loves me every day, he says he can't believe what an idiot he was and he knows how close he came to losing me, needs to make it up to me and show me how much he appreciates me, etc. But we're 4 months down the line now and while we're fairly happy - we make more effort with each other, we spend time together, we make time to watch stuff together and to just sit and chat - most days I do worry about if/when it will happen again. I have had to come to terms wth the fact that things will never go back to how they were before and I'll never feel as safe and secure as I once did. I still dont know 100% if we will work out but god I am trying. I really hope it works out the way you want it to x

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 10-Oct-19 19:19:57

It's time he makes his call. By himself, without subjecting you to any more monologues about why you're not his perfect woman.

He can't drag you or him on anymore with one foot firmly outside the door. Not to mention the effect this will have on your children and their ideas of relationships.

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