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Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

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NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 20:25:55

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.sad

lakeloveragain Sun 22-Sep-19 20:27:47

No one can force you into having an abortion but if it will affect your other children etc then I would have a serious think about it. Don't rush into a decision your not ready for.

IdblowJonSnow Sun 22-Sep-19 20:29:43

Op you are an adult. It's your body and pregnancy. If you want to keep it then please do. Or at least think about it for a while.
Why are you asking your mum and 'family'?
It's no one's business except yours and your dh but ultimately your decision to make.

Amy326 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:32:02

The trouble is that if you abort when you don’t really want to then you are the one who will live with the grief, memories of it and possible regret. Your family probably won’t feel any of that. I have been in this position so I understand. Think carefully and ask those around you to give you space and not to give any more opinions.

Ginger1982 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:33:28

It's up to you, not your family.
Are their concerns valid though?

QueenofPain Sun 22-Sep-19 20:36:23

Its your body and your decision, but make sure you aren’t basing your assessment on whether you’ll cope on needing a lot of external help.

From what you’ve said it seems that everyone thinks they’re doing more than their fair share already, and you’ll potentially be adding to that with another baby. Are you needing a lot of practical help? Is your DH feeling the strain of providing financially? You haven’t said much about him?

Drabarni Sun 22-Sep-19 20:36:38

OP do your family need to support you alot already.
Why does your mum think it will be bad for your children?

Charley34 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:37:21

Wow OP I think you should get rid of your family for starters,no one can tell you what to do it's your body your child.they are abusing you and controlling you please discuss only with DH then make a decision.

Drabarni Sun 22-Sep-19 20:40:21

It's early days still, and you stand more chance of making the right decision when you have had more time to consider.
Have you a partner to talk to?

istolethisusernametoo Sun 22-Sep-19 20:45:21

It's your body and your decision to make. Please don't be pressured into doing something you will regret. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life so think carefully. Don't let family control you or cloud your judgement.

NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 20:49:49

My DH is 50 next year so he isn't getting any younger and feels very constrained financially as I am a SAHM and haven't worked for a couple of years.

My parents are amazing and very generous financially, giving us money towards food most months. I would feel pretty selfish to burden them with another mouth to feed as it isn't their child so it doesn't seem right they should help pay for it.

I had a bad few years before DS arrived last year, and had a head injury and post concussion syndrome that was the worst part of my life, and it gave me a mental breakdown. I also got a drug induced involuntary movement disorder caused by taking an antipsychotic drug given to me during my breakdown. My self confidence and self esteem has been quite bad since then, and my DH correctly pointed out that I would be putting myself under a lot more pressure with another DC.

As I rely a lot on my family for financial and practical help, I feel like it would be selfish to have another baby, and unfair on my current DC

Yet given my fragile mental health in the past, I am v concerned about the effect the abortion might have on my mental health in future.

My DB died of cancer a couple of years ago and I also had an ectopic pregnancy; I feel like I haven't properly worked through these feelings of loss and that an abortion might be adding to this too.

LittleLostThing Sun 22-Sep-19 20:50:40

but make sure you aren’t basing your assessment on whether you’ll cope on needing a lot of external help

I disagree entirely with that statement. If you can’t cope without the external help of your family then it’s absolutely something you need to consider.

No one can tell you what you should do and no one should be telling you what you should do. That’s up to you and you alone.

NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 20:52:51

My DH also works away in London 3 days a week, so I would be on my own for a lot of the time with 3 DC. I do feel just about able to cope with 2, so I think that maybe 3 could push me a bit.

Ginger1982 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:55:54

"My parents are amazing and very generous financially, giving us money towards food most months. I would feel pretty selfish to burden them with another mouth to feed as it isn't their child so it doesn't seem right they should help pay for it."

I think this is quite an important point.

Figgygal Sun 22-Sep-19 20:57:20

To be honest based on your updates if you already can't afford the two you have and have a dh who is absent half the week I'm not surprised they're concerned

Livelovelearn1 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:57:23

Hard one there... you still have time to make a decision... of course dont book based on their opinions. It is ultimately your choice. At the same time... do u really want to ? Practicality wise, can u provide for all ur kids? Would u all be pulled too tight to give those kids the life they deserve? Ure youngest is quite young... will you rely on the rest of the family to make it through? I personally wouldnt go through a pregnancy if i wasnt sure whether i could and i would be willing to look after all my kids alone. Because keep in mind thats a possibility for us all down the line. Would you still wantva pregnancy if u found urself by yourself? I think the hormones wreck hevoc within us when pregannt and every decision is so difficult. Dont hurry into it. Sit down and think, look inside you, see what you want but also be realistic and think about childcare, money etc... its ultimately ur call

NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 20:58:30

I honestly feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel so pathetic having to rely so much on my parents for help and wish I could be more financially independent.

My DH even said that he thought about divorcing me if we couldn't work things out either way, but he couldn't afford to do this.

It all feels such a mess.sad My head knows what the right thing to do would be, and how unfair it is to bring a child into this world when you can't afford it, but my heart will be broken after I go through with it. I know that it will be for the best for all my family, yet I don't feel like I will be doing it for the best for me.

Figgygal Sun 22-Sep-19 21:02:21

Why wouldn't it be the best thing for you though? Think practically and about your existing children

Your husband is also threatening to divorce you doesn't sound like a sound environment to be adding more pressure into

NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 21:06:13

I guess in the long run it is the best thing, but I don't know how I will cope with the procedure and my feelings after it all. I guess that this is something that counselling can really help with.

Dollymixture22 Sun 22-Sep-19 21:11:36

Hang on - did your husband threaten to divorce you over he pregnancy??

I honk you need to see a neutral counsellor to talk through your options. Could you ring your gp tomorrow and ask for a recommendation.

Maybe someone here can recommend a neutral organisation? I know some might try to push and agenda - but you need to think this through, some up with the answer that is best for you, then be strong enough to deal with the fall out.

Good luck op - don’t let anyone bully you into taking a path your not comfortable with.

SherbetSaucer Sun 22-Sep-19 21:11:54

My parents are amazing and very generous financially, giving us money towards food most months. I would feel pretty selfish to burden them with another mouth to feed as it isn't their child so it doesn't seem right they should help pay for it

If your parents are subsidising you each month it sounds like the first and second child were a bad idea let alone a third. Your DH needs to get a vasectomy!

altiara Sun 22-Sep-19 21:14:27

I think it’s an easy decision to make based on the fact you can’t provide for the 2 children you currently have, but you (and DH) need to make the decision, not be told what to do by your mum.
Weigh up both sides and make your decision so you are in control.

Dollymixture22 Sun 22-Sep-19 21:17:04

I also think you need to take a long hard look at the family finances. Your husband works, but you can’t afford food. Is he in a very low income, if so are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

NooNooHead Sun 22-Sep-19 21:19:36

We managed with me working when my DD was younger, and it had just been the past year that I have had some help with finances.

I agree that the best decision is to have an abortion and I know this is what my DH thinks too. It is just getting my head around the fact I will be able to do it and being strong enough to deal with it.

I think that the best way to look at it is that will be doing it for the right reasons, and that it will be the best for my current DC to help put them first.

Mum2jenny Sun 22-Sep-19 21:19:44

Probably not helpful, but I couldn’t consider termination for financial reasons. As you already have a young child, you will have most of the expensive things already.

But the decision must be your choice as otherwise you will regret it for the rest of your life.

I know, it’s between a rock and a hard place type of decision. However I couldn’t terminate with your options.

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