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Sexual Assault - don't know if I should tell DP

(48 Posts)
Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:11:42

Approximately 3 years ago I was sexually assaulted by one of my DP's good friends.
I haven't told anyone. I don't know exactly why. Fear of not being believed. Because it's one of his best friends and he will be heartbroken. Because I was drunk and feel guilty about that. I've felt all of those at one point.
Most of the time I can put it to the back of my mind, but I have periods of intense anger (today triggered by over hearing a bunch of men accusing the women in the Epstein case of "being liars, out for the money") where I can barely keep it in.
I've had no contact with DP's friend since that night. And I never will again, it was the first time I had met him.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking for from MN, but DP is due back from a weekend away late tonight and I'm pretty sure blurting it out when he walks through the door is not the best idea.
Why do I feel so guilty?

OP’s posts: |
Ihatefootball86 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:38:42

No great advice but flowersflowersflowers and a bump.

Annasgirl Sun 22-Sep-19 19:42:50

OP, I would suggest you get counselling for you to cope with the trauma and through that devise a way to tell your DP. I would not tell him tonight but I would tell him, if you plan on being together long term. I think women need to tell the men in their lives about things like this so that men understand the constant threat to women by many, many men in society. I say this as someone who has only recently shared something like this with my friends - female - and was shocked at how common it was.

Jesse70 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:46:37

If it's playing on your mind maybe you should speak to a professional
Obviously without knowing what happened it's hard to give advice
It's been a long time since the incident so would probably make it more difficult to believe possibly?
If u tell your partner he's going to wonder why u had not told him/the police when it happened
Is he still very friendly with the man in question?
If it's driving you crazy and you want to tell him just be prepared he might not believe you
I don't mean to sound so negative and I'm sorry for what ever it was that happened that night

MadeForThis Sun 22-Sep-19 19:54:17

In the long run it will effect your relationship with him. It will effect how you spend your time with him and it will effect who you want him to spend time with.

You have experienced something so traumatic and you will ultimately need his support and understanding.

If you see a future with him you should tell him. I have no advice on when or how.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't accept any responsibility for what happened. It doesn't matter if you were drunk. Nothing excuses an assault.

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:58:18

Yes, he's still friendly with him.
I didn't say anything immediately after because I think I was in shock and the longer I've left it the harder it has become.
It was the first time I had been invited to meet a particular group of his friends.
We were staying the night at this mans house as it's an hour away from home. I'd had a lot to drink and went to bed before the rest of them popped up the street to the local pub.
A while later I awoke to DP's friend on top of me (he had come back before the others I discovered the next day) in bed having pushed my top up and pulling down my bra to expose my breasts. He had his hands on them. I was trying to tell him to stop but my mouth felt so dry I couldn't get the words out properly. He then started trying to undo my jeans. I told him to stop again and this time he did. He disappeared and I didn't see him again as when we got up in the morning he had taken his dog for a walk.
You're right, everyone including DP will probably question why I didn't say anything at the time. In all honesty I don't know why I didn't. But for days after I kept re playing it in my head almost in disbelief that it had happened at all.

OP’s posts: |
PositiveVibez Sun 22-Sep-19 20:36:55

Not similar circumstances, but one night my husband and I were out for the evening. We got talking to a group of tourists and one of them starting rubbing my arse. It went on for what felt like forever. I didn't know what to do. We were in a group, all having a laugh, on a rare night out. I didn't want to make a scene, so I just allowed it to happen. I went to the toilet and never sat next to this bloke when I returned from the loo.

The next day, he tried to friend me on Facebook.

I have no idea why I never said anything to my husband and it must be over 10 years later and I never, ever have.

I'm not saying what happened to me was anywhere near as bad as what happened to you, but I can empathise with why you kept it to yourself.

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:46:11

@PositiveVibez thank you.
Exactly that, not wanting to make a scene. It was the first time I'd been introduced to some of DP's close friends. I remember thinking in the days after that I shouldn't make a fuss because I'd never be introduced to anyone again if DP didn't believe me.

OP’s posts: |
Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 20:51:51

You poor thing. That sounds so hard. Well done for sharing it here. I'm wondering if sharing it here is a way of getting support you need to help you tell your boyfriend.

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 20:57:20

@Sortinghatton I think you're probably right. I feel less likely to blurt it out now, which is probably a good thing.
The thing is, I don't even know what I hope to achieve by telling DP.
I've literally not told anyone else apart from you lot.
Sometimes I think that I should let it go, that I missed my opportunity to say anything. And then I have days like today where I feel such intense anger.
In the days after it was almost like I was trying to minimise it in my head so that I wouldn't say anything.

OP’s posts: |
Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 21:02:45

"In the days after it was almost like I was trying to minimise it in my head so that I wouldn't say anything."
... as if you were in shock ?

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 21:09:08

Yes, @Sortinghatton I think I was in shock. I also felt like it was my fault for being drunk.
I'm not saying that he came back to his house before DP knowing that I was there alone, but he had absolutely no reason at all to come in to the room in which we were staying. I was so drunk I was in no state to fight him off.

OP’s posts: |
SherbetSaucer Sun 22-Sep-19 21:15:47

I’d ruin the guy’s life but that’s just me! None of that was your fault and he is a disgusting human being! angry

DariaMorgendorffer Sun 22-Sep-19 21:16:50

Oh op thanks you poor thing. I've been in similar circumstances (not involving a boyfriend, but a friend of a good friend, and the assault went very far). So difficult. I understand to how you've gotten to this stage without disclosing to your dp. Also, can I say - l none of this is your fault!

Agree with posters saying maybe you can chat to a professional, and tease it out. Of course in an ideal world you should be able to share with your dp. He may be very understanding, but I know that it would be a shock to him initially, and I understand your reservations. Hopefully, with some support, you will be in a better position to tell your dp what happened.

Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 21:24:54

As you say, whether or not you had had too much alcohol "he had absolutely no reason at all to come in to the room in which we [you and your boyfriend] were staying." And he had no business at all to lay on top of you and lift your clothing whilst you were asleep.

Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 21:26:43

It sounds 100% appropriate that you'd feel shocked.

Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 21:35:24

You say that whilst the others carried on drinking, you felt you'd had too much alcohol and so you stopped drinking, removed yourself from the situation and then took yourself to bed.
Amongst friends that sounds to me to be such a wise thing to do.
Do you think you should have known there was a predator among the group of this new group of people you'd just met ?

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 21:41:34

@Sortinghatton that's a perspective that I hadn't considered and a very good point.

OP’s posts: |
ISmellBabies Sun 22-Sep-19 21:46:11

If you can't face saying it, you could get him to read this thread. Would that help?
You have nothing to feel guilty about. flowers

Sortinghatton Sun 22-Sep-19 21:49:52

Well done for having taken great care of yourself after such a traumatic experience during the last three years.
I need to get to sleep myself right now. I'll come back tomorrow to read your thread Gobolino.

Gobolino80 Sun 22-Sep-19 21:53:12

Thank you @ISmellBabies, I think I would rather tell him myself if/when I workout if it's the right thing to do.
I realise that it's going to have a big impact on him, whilst DP doesn't spend much time with this friend anymore (mainly due to DP moving away to be with me and general businesses of life) they do still keep in contact due to a shared hobby.
I also worry that if DP does believe me that he will be angry that I've let so much time pass and not told him, all the while he's continued a friendship with this man unaware of what he's done.

OP’s posts: |
Jennifer2r Mon 23-Sep-19 08:53:02

This is such a big part of #metoo, that we feel as women we have to manage other people's emotions about our sexual assaults before we manage our own. My heart goes out to you OP x

Sortinghatton Mon 23-Sep-19 18:46:15

Now that you know your partner better, do you think the worrying about your his possible angry response towards you is likely ?

Sortinghatton Mon 23-Sep-19 18:47:45

I mean, do you think he's likely to respond angrily towards you ?

Ginger1982 Mon 23-Sep-19 19:11:41

Hugs for what you've been through. You are NOT to blame here.

I think you need to consider what you want to achieve by telling your DP.

For example, do you now want to tell the police? I can imagine that a loving DP's first reaction might be to push you to do this. Or would you like to be encouraged to get some kind of counselling?

He might get very angry and want to confront his friend and do you think you would be able to prevent that if it wasn't what you wanted?

He might feel some sense of disbelief due to the passage of time. Do you think you could cope if this caused either a short or indeed long term change to your relationship?

I'm absolutely not saying that you shouldn't tell him but it's not going to be a case of telling him and then going back to watching the telly so I would definitely consider how you would like things to play out and go forward from that point thanks

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