DH wants to apply for new job 700k away.

[StartupRepair]

Name changed for this. Married 22 years, one DD at uni, one DD in final school year. I have a relatively new job here which I really love. DH has suddenly announced that he has seen this job, it is what he would really love and he thinks we could make it work. I feel as if he is proposing a separation. We haven't had a great last year or two, both a bit snappy. He envisages me keeping the show on the road here and him coming back every couple of weeks.
He mentioned it to younger DD who is in tears and also feels that it is him checking out of the family.
Could we make it work? Or is it the death knell for our relationship? Should I be encouraging and supportive? I feel hurt and anxious.

[timeisnotaline]

It sounds like checking out to me too. What will he take responsibility for in your lives?

[Cleopatrai]

Ask him if he wants to separate because that’s what it sounds like to me.

[UnRavellingFast]

Bring him down to earth by saying if we don't live together and don't have an equally sharing relationship then we divorce. And mean it. If you're not comfortable with this - and frankly who would be - then years of dissatisfied anxiety and misery await you, ending in the same result, probably. Better get it done now. The best result of standing your ground like this would be that your reaction ensures he wakes up, sees you as a person who is valuable to him, not "the wife at home" and realises he doesn't want to lose you. Then he may set about talking about how the two of you could look at this and possibly make it work - and if it doesn't work for you, you have the right to veto.

[lossie1993]

It may be the job he wants but his family should be his priority, he can't have it both ways! A new life miles away and then come home and play happy families when he wants, that isn't on and I wouldn't stand for it. You must be feeling so confused right now and I think if he really wants his family to stay a family then he needs to have a reality check. Stand your ground OP don't just be the housewife waiting for him to come home

[TheTeenageYears]

Did he ever mention the possibility of you moving after the end of the school year? In my experience men are generally not thinking through all the details so may only take into account one factor at the moment (DD’s school) and not the fact that you have a job and probably a life where you are and would not want to move. If he didn’t mention you moving at all, I think he’s looking to have his cake and eat it. If he did say something about relocating after next summer, even though that’s not what you would want then maybe things don’t look so bad.

[AcrossthePond55]

Well it can work if both parties understand and are committed to keeping the marriage going. Think of Forces families and others whose spouses have worked far from home. But it has to work for everybody and it doesn't work for you. And that's fine and your prerogative.

My DH worked away from home for 3 years when our DC were small and we made it work. Yes.
, as a result I had the lion's share of home duties but it was always with the knowledge that it was a temporary situation. And he came home every weekend so I got a break. If he had proposed what your DH is proposing I would NOT have agreed.

What do you think his reaction will be if you say it's a dealbreaker for you? Will that be a deal breaker for him?

[Pollydron]

Very similar situation here except that DH did take the job and has been flying back and forth for nearly 18 months now. We had a good marriage at the time and neither of us saw it as him “checking out” – although some of our family and friends do. For him, it’s a job of a lifetime and it would have been madness to refuse. Also madness for me and DC to uproot everything we have here. I also thought it was no bad thing to shake up our marriage also after +20 years together.

In many ways, it’s been great – I’m busy with family, hobbies and a job I love. I’ve enjoyed having extra time to myself to do what I want. DH loves the job and it has given him a massive mental boost plus excellent money. Missing each other has made us much more appreciative of each other and we’ve done more travelling together.

I was also initially very anxious about it and of course there have been downsides. But overall we’ve made it work and are still in a very good place. Our DC didn’t mind though, so that might have been a deal-breaker for me…

[ShatnersWig]

New job 700k away? Seven hundred thousand miles away?

Is he going to be mining on some asteroid? Even the moon is only around 350k miles away!

We talking 700 miles or 700 kilometres (which would be 430 milesish)? Depending on how far you are from an airport, and how far he will be from an airport, it's perfectly doable to fly back every other week. Assuming it pays huge sums of money. I think it also depends precisely where his new role is based. Is it a nice exciting city? Is it somewhere the kids would enjoy going to? Is it somewhere you could all move to in the future if it went well?

There are a lot of questions and possibilities to go into. Of course, he could apply and not even get it or get an interview, in which case it would all be moot anyway.

Things are doable IF both parties are happy about it. Might it actually help your marriage in the sense you'll stop snapping at each other? Stranger things have happened.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Don’t put the boot in being picky @ShatnersWig, it’s clear she means 700km or miles.

Do you think he’s checking out? Do you want to check out OP?

[ShatnersWig]

MrsElijah I was being light hearted, although actually there is a fair bit of difference between 700 km and 700 miles which would be sufficient to make it less achievable to return quite so often, especially depending on, as I said, airport location too. Some people would think nothing of driving a round trip of 1400km every other weekend but wouldn't want to drive 1400 miles.

[MorrisZapp]

Surely with his kids in uni he's winding down to retirement? I couldn't be arsed with any of this but maybe he's a dynamic type who likes a challenge.

You just never hear of women with kids deciding to take overseas jobs. When you factor in the travel etc, is the money really worth it? Could be not just become a weekend lycra husband instead?

[ShatnersWig]

Surely with his kids in uni he's winding down to retirement?

Why wouldn't that also apply to the OP, but she's just started a new job herself? It is perfectly feasible that with uni-aged children and been married 22 years this couple could be in their late 40s or early 50s and be some time off retirement yet.

You just never hear of women with kids deciding to take overseas jobs

I know two women who've done precisely this. It's less common, for sure.

[AJPTaylor]

So dd2 will be finishing school in June and off to Uni in a years time?

Has he been otherwise helpful, supportive and put money on the table during your 20 years of joint parenting? If so I would be a bit more open minded and supportive. If he takes it what impact will it have for the next year? It's not like you have childcare issues. Looking after a 17/18 Year old is meals and a sympathetic ear.
I'd support it on the basis that you will revisit it in a year.

[timeisnotaline]

Average speed limit is under 100km /h with towns and stops etc.
Some people think nothing of driving 1400km on a weekend therefore means some people think nothing of driving for over 14 h plus breaks . What exactly would you get done on a weekend in between a round trip of over 14h driving? More realistically 16h plus breaks. I know literally no one who would think that doable much less think nothing of it.

[Ellabella989]

My parents had this arrangement when I was growing up and it ruined their relationship. They are still together now but pretty much spend no time together and sleep in separate beds. It also ruined my relationship with him as I felt like his job always took priority over family time.

[ShatnersWig]

time As I said, 700 km would be 430 miles. I know people who arrange their working time or their holidays so that every three weeks they leave at 5 pm on the dot on the Thursday and drive home that night. They spend Friday, Saturday, Sunday and half of Monday at home and drive back to work on Monday late afternoon. That's 1400 km over a long weekend. I've known some people do that on a Friday at 5 pm too. But we don't even know if we're talking about the UK here. Pretty difficult to drive that distance in the UK. Flying seems more likely, doesn't it?

[666onmyhead]

Definitely one for a full family discussion. You all need to understand the ramifications, good and bad . Once everything is out on the table, then make a decision.
Good luck with what ever you as a family choose !

[DerbyshireOatcake]

Surely with his kids in uni he's winding down to retirement?

We've got one already there and another on the way - we're 43 and 44, got lots of years of work left!

[StartupRepair]

Thank you all so much for your insights and experiences.
The other city is 700 kilometres away. We are not in the UK. We are both in our mid 50s but nowhere near winding down yet.
DH has been unhappy in his work for some time and I can see this is an enticing opportunity for him. It is niche but combines many of his professional skills. The job I am in now I am really enjoying and I know he wishes he felt the same about his work.
I just feel so blindsided by this. If it was a 6 month project or something I could get my head around it but it would be a permanent move. My contract runs for another 2 years and I am hoping to could be extended to take me to 60+. I also have an elderly parent in a different city.
DD2 said "Mum would never just leave to go to work in another city" and I know that that is true.
My definition of marriage does not include a kind of part-time arrangement, where I keep a family home going for him to swan in and out of. I know a few couples who have tried something similar. None has ended well. The husband starts getting involved, naturally, in the city where he is living. It feels like too much effort to get back home. They drift farther apart.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

I did a couple of years working away from home and only getting back to my family at the weekends. It was economically essential and that is the only reason I would ever consider it again. The time physically away from family is not the whole story. I found that the weekends we had together did not give full value either. I was exhausted with travel when I got in on the friday night and only got half of Sunday as quality time with them as I had to leave around tea time. There are also other demands on time when back home (friends, extended family, chores etc) that conflict with family time.

Your husband needs to really think this through and the two of you need to be under no illusion that this will severely compromise, and could possibly end, your relationship.

[EBearhug]

If he applies, that doesn't mean he'll get it.

Are there options for flexibility? Is it the sort of work which can be done remotely, so he could work from home 2 or 3 days a week and only visit the office 1 or 2 days a week? You need to sit down and discuss the possible options with him - he needs to be very clear you won't just accept some of them, like him becoming an occasional visitor to the family because of work he decides to take.

[averythinline]

It doesnt automatically mean your relationship is over...... lots of people have long distance relationships and tehy work...and it can be better when both people are doing things they want... the fact you ove your job makes it easier imo - its harder when the at home partner is more 'stuck'

How long is it for is it a 2 yr/3 yr contract or longer - your younger dc may well be in uni and off out by then so maybe you may fancy being somewhere else....

You seem to have gone very negative instantly-

DH worked away for a while when DC younger and it was harder as they needed more looking after and I got little time for myself when he was away ..... and neither of us liked it a lot .... but its something we may consider again once DC at uni/work ...

you only live once it maybe a great opportunity for him / you all...

talk about it, through all the options etc then talk about it with your DC - you as the adults in a relationship should really have talked this through before involving the DC

Although if he's just come in and dropped it as a fait accompli and he's off next week then yeah he;s checked out of your family - and you need the ducks in a row advice..

[LizzieSiddal]

It can work, (Dh and I managed this for 5 years) however, we both agreed and planned for it from the very start. In your situation OP, your H has presented you with what is best for him, he's not considered you or his children and he is acting in an extremely, selfish way.

I don't blame you for feeling that he is 'checking out' and this could be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

[Skinnydogfatcat1]

TBH, I think you should support him with the proviso he is home every weekend and you go to his one in 4 weeks or so.
It could actually be quite exciting and a change of routine for you both. Is there an option he can work from home one day a week & make it 3 days at home?
The children are grown up they don't need you as much, everyone needs to chip in on the household chores - get a cleaner if you don't have one already.
I think YABU if you don't consider the options.

[LondonJax]

Depends on his reasons for it. Is it a better paid job? Something he's always wanted to do? Can it help his career?

My DH works over 900 km (600 ish miles) away from home during the week. He'd been out of work for 3 months after his last job made him redundant. This job is the first that came up that he's been offered. We have a mortgage to pay and a 12 year old DS to support so we can't be fussy.

My DH worked like that for a year about five years ago. Flying out on a Monday morning and returning on a Friday evening. I coped fine when DS was 7 years old and so I don't have many problems now he's more independent. We got into our routine. I work part time, things get done when they can get done and DS helps as much as he can with washing up etc without skipping homework or missing out on normal '12 year old' stuff.

But, I know DH would rather be here. Although he's taken the job he's still looking for something closer to home - his field of work is quite specialised so you have to take the work when/where it comes up.

We have friends where the DH was away for 6 weeks at a time including weekends, in a middle eastern country. My friend had 2 kids under five at the time. But it was where he could earn enough to set them up by paying off the mortgage so they discussed it and did this for four years - 6 weeks out, 6 weeks back. My friend is an ex-pat child so she was used to living abroad or dad being away for periods in her life so she settled into her routine very quickly.

Many, many families only see each other at the weekends or when one half is 'off duty' like the armed forces or specialist workers where the work takes them abroad.

It does depend on the relationship you already have and your own attitude towards it. DS and I work as a team when DH is away, some chores wait and DS and I try to have 'snuggle times' once his homework is done (put on a DVD and have a TV dinner) once a week as a treat for getting on with it!

Our weekends usually mean a quick catch up on chores that need to be done on Saturday mornings, then a family treat (cinema or a nice meal out or a trip to the seaside etc). DH also does all the ironing for the family on the Sunday evening before he goes as he knows I'll be in charge of everything else. It's a chore that he can do for the week, most others have to be done on a daily basis.
And he 'gives' me 'me' time by taking DS out on his own at some point over the weekend - I can either slob in front of a film or get out and about - my time. It was his way of contributing and I'm grateful for it. He gets his down time in the hotel he stays in when he's working - not much else he can do!

It can make the relationship stronger because you appreciate them when they are home but it can ruin it if there's resentment. I know DH is stuck in a hotel room most of the week, he knows I'm keeping the home together at this end so we appreciate the sacrifices we're both making. I think a lot has to do with DH's attitude when he gets home at the weekend. He sees it as his job, as DH and DF, to make sure his family are set for the coming week - hence getting heavy chores done, getting all the ironing done and giving me a break.