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When to introduce child?

(13 Posts)
Firstmom264 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:49:22

When did everyone first introduce their child/children to a new partner? One of my friends has said sooner the better as she wouldn’t like to get feelings for someone and then have to call it off because him and the child didn’t get on. But another friend has said she would wait around 4/6 months before introducing her child to anyone. So it’s just made me curious as to what everyone else did? And what worked best?smile

NewMe2019 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:37:22

About 7 months here. Was sooner than I planned because of complcations in my marriage ending and still having to live together for a while. DCs knew we had split but not that I was dating. As Ex moved so close, there was a very good chance they would find out accidently which I didn't want. So I told them with the view of waiting for introductions but they wanted to meet him almost straight away.

He wasn't a total stranger to them anyway as they had met him in a different capacity before. My original plan was to meet up somewhere and do an activity but they wanted him to come over so he came and had a cuppa. We next did an activity. He's been over a couple of times for tea and to do some work at my house for me, he also attended a family event. I'm not rushing it as DD is very happy and all for it and really likes him, DS is more cautious and not thrilled at the idea of me dating, but I can tell he reluctantly likes DP although trying to hold back. I'm just letting him take his time with it.

EmmiJay Wed 11-Sep-19 22:38:57

I waited nearly a year before I even allowed him to say hello to her. In the full two years we dated they only interacted a handful of times for an hour at most. Also I introduced him as my friend just to keep that distance so..

Leftielefterson Wed 11-Sep-19 22:42:05

I’d definitely wait as long as you can OP because if it doesn’t work out it could impact your DC as they can become quite attached. I’ve seen it happen where the boyfriend becomes part of the furniture, practically living with the family, holidaying and then it all ends. That cannot be good for DC.

2 men have been involved in my DC life, the first was a guy I had been friends with for 5 years (so not a stranger) and her father. It’s hard juggling dating and having DC but they have to come first.

SherbetSaucer Wed 11-Sep-19 22:48:35

At least a year!! Any sooner is massively jumping the gun!

changeitis Wed 11-Sep-19 23:42:29

I've had situations where partners never met my DC
I've had situations where I dated "family" friends or people they knew.

Two totally different scenarios. With the latter, I was honest with my DC and said I'd like to have dinner, go on a date with, let him be my boyfriend.

I believe it depends on how well you can communicate with your children, their ages, their understanding alongside your behaviour and actions of spending time with someone.

Rachelover60 Thu 12-Sep-19 00:57:14

A year or near enough a year.

LellyMcKelly Thu 12-Sep-19 01:25:57

I introduced mine after a year - when I was sure it was long term, and when I knew who he was, his values, and how he treated me and others. It was right for us, and we did it carefully and slowly. He’s part of the family now. He’s been remarkable - he doesn’t pretend to be their dad, who is still very present in their lives - but they happily accept him as a kind of a father/uncle/friend figure. He has made a good effort to get along with my ex, and although they won’t be going down to the pub together any time soon, my ex trusts him with the kids and they’ve developed an amicable, relaxed, relationship.

JudgyPantsAndAMartyrBra Thu 12-Sep-19 01:30:52

I'd say a year and it would be taken very slowly with the kids and I'd try to remember that while I'd know him a long time, he's still a stranger to my children and that their relationship with him could take much longer before they feel ok living with him.

I've had four step parents and base that on how miserable I was at times and how blind my parents where to shitty treatment of me at the hands of two of those four step parents because they were in love.

I don't think I'd ever move a man in until my daughter had moved out if I'm totally honest but I know that's me projecting based on my own experience of being a step child to someone who was incredibly jealous of my other parent.

AnnaNimmity Thu 12-Sep-19 06:38:17

Not 4/5 months OP! I've learned this the very hard way unfortunately and feel immense guilt about it. Wait as long as you can OP. You can't know the man really for at least a year. and probably longer.

I've learned from bitter experience here - I had a bf who I thought was lovely and because I loved him, and didn't get much time away from the kids, I did introduce them probably after 3 months of knowing him. In hindsight he was a very charming narcissist, possibly a pyschopath, but I was completely reeled in. In fact, it was a very abusive relationship but I missed all warning signs (even when my 17 yo dd told me he was controlling, even when my friends warned me) - of which were lots ( in hindsight) and unfortunately it escalated to violence (luckily not in front of them) and I had to involve the police who involved social services.

The police were shocked at his actions- and social services told me that they would need to be involved if I got involved with him ever again (they said that if my children had been his children, they would have had to stay involved with me long term). Luckily my children didn't see the violence or the worse of the behaviour , but they did witness me in the aftermath of it and the relationship - really not good (ptsd, weight loss, insomnia, anxiety) - and of course (and to my eternal guilt), they did witness the controlling, abusive stuff before. I will not put them through that again.

So, I think a year probably and then make sure you do Claire's law checks and heed any warning signs at all.

I know that's an extreme situation, but I really don't think you can know a person within 4/5 months and it probably takes much longer than a year to even scratch the surface.

I do feel guilty about it, although my children seem fine (and joke about him now - they still don't know about the violence) but have def. learned my lesson.

AnnaNimmity Thu 12-Sep-19 06:42:26

even aside from any emotional impact a boyfriend may have on my dcs, I don't want my children sitting around my table when they are parents, laughing together (or worse) about the boyfriends I had, and I don't want them to have the experience that judgy (pp) mentions, of successive "stepfathers", so like her I'm unlikely to move anyone in before my youngest leaves home.

user1493413286 Thu 12-Sep-19 06:43:08

I met my DSD about 6 months in when we knew it was serious. It worked for us although I’ve seen people say on here that 6 months is too soon. I don’t think you want to rush it at all as you don’t want different people in and out of your children’s lives but equally you need to see someone with your children to see if it will work and I think if you wait too long that then makes it harder to end it if they don’t get on with your kids

PumpkinP Thu 12-Sep-19 08:24:23

I would say around 6 months

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