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Ex still manipulating me

(17 Posts)
Annaskies Wed 11-Sep-19 19:32:47

Going through a long drawn out break up where exP has been in and out of the family home for the past two years. He has a drink problem which he finally admitted last summer after two years of gaslighting me and creating huge rows about anything to detract from the real problem. He still hasn't done anything about the problem, he will stop drinking but not seek help or confront the underlying causes. Finally enough was enough.

I've just read back my two old threads and am still so angry about all the things from the past as he made me feel I was going mad and Was a nag or controlling. I see through him now but he's still trying to manipulate me and its so hard to see things straight without advice.

anyway the main problem now is he finally has his own place instead of sleeping on relatives or friends sofas and guilting me into letting him move back in.
We have no structured arrangement for visiting two DC, oldest is not his but he is seeing them too. It's very all over the place as he wants to see younger DC as much as he can and his flexible hours allow for this. I'm facilitating this to an extent for many reasons, good for DC, good for me as need the break, guilty for him not living with them and so on.

However, I feel like I'm stuck in the relationship. I'm having to speak to him all day every day, see him nearly every day and have him in my home at least 5/6 times a week. I hate it and feel he still has control over me as I know if I say anything it will create a huge row. I just want this to stop, the relief I felt at him moving out two months ago (as had kept coming back other times) has worn off because I'm just drained from this constant having to talk to him, getting questioned about what I'm doing if I don't want to talk to him etc etc

We've said going forward he will have them EOW and the youngest also a night midweek, but there's no sign of that arrangement starting.

We've argued this evening as he said he wants to come here and see the children Christmas morning and I said we would have to discuss options as I didn't want t that. He did his usual passive aggressive waking away and underbreath saying oh yeah it has to be your way, always your way. This hit a nerve and I said its hardly my way or you wouldn't be here every day.he then raised his voice which meant the kids would hear and started saying how nasty I was and why was I being so awful and making everything so hard and doing underhanded comments at him. He didn't let me get a word in and continued to talk loudly and mock me.

How can I sort this situation I feel stuck. I don't want him here everyday. I know he will be back to Mr nice guy in a day or two and if I don't play along I will get asked why I've changed and questioned about who I must be messaging.

Hannah021 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:37:51

I wouldn't bother making this arrangement in my own place, since he has his place, drop them over to his place, and then pick them up. Don't let him step over your house, and better if you can get this arranged by a third party to mediate his visitations, then great!

You can end his visits to your house. You need to move on, and look for someone better than this.

Annaskies Wed 11-Sep-19 22:10:36

He lives as hour drive away now and I don't drive, sorry should have explained that but it means he has to pick them up.

Is it unreasonable of me to stipulate I bring them to the door rather than him keep coming in? He's making me feel I can't request things like this, making me feel worried to suggest something like this or he'll be unbearable.

Annaskies Wed 11-Sep-19 22:28:31

I could also really do with advice on how often I should be expected to speak/message him in a day. Youngest DC is 3 so he is wanting constant updates and communication when he isn't with her. Is this normal?

Surely other people don't all have to keep in contact with their ex all day every day this can't be right but I just don't know how to go about changing it.

Inebriati Wed 11-Sep-19 22:39:55

This isn't normal, he is controlling. Whatever you do, don't back down an inch because he will just demand another.

Tell him you will give him one update each evening and pick a time - make it as flexible as you can.

Get a structured agreement in place as soon as you can, document everything, keep a diary and get legal advice.

Annaskies Wed 11-Sep-19 22:49:31

We didn't want things to be too formal to keep it being difficult for the DC but it does seem like that's going to be the only way.

Cherrysoup Wed 11-Sep-19 23:24:20

Meet him at the door, hand over child/bag. Don’t allow him over the doorstep. You don’t have to communicate with him constantly. Tell him (ignore his whinging) you will respond to one email a week only. Maybe consider a handover book. I know some people use one and it stays with the child. Write in major events, medicine doses etc.

Annaskies Thu 12-Sep-19 07:25:13

Would that really be all I'd be expected to do @cherrysoup ? I feel like he will go mad if I suggest that

pikapikachu Thu 12-Sep-19 10:37:07

You would only communicate daily if there was something major like a hospital admission or a major event like starting school and even then it might be at most
How's he feeling about school this morning?
Did he go in without tears?
What's his opinion on the day? What did he do and did he make friends with anyone?

Have you both thought about an online photo album so you can both look at pics? It means you won't get texts asking for a pic.

What does he want to know anyway? It's none of his business what you downturns your day, what you feed dc and who dc hangs out with.

Weenabix Thu 12-Sep-19 11:47:32

I am 2 years down the line from this and still stuck!! In fact just created a thread about it. I hope your find a way that sets you free because I haven't yet.

Cherrysoup Thu 12-Sep-19 12:30:22

Would that really be all I'd be expected to do? I feel like he will go mad if I suggest that

He can go as mad as he likes. There is no legal requirement for more communication unless he goes to court and no court will allow him to pester you daily for updates eg she had eggs for lunch etc. What, effectively, can you tell him bar the petty details of her day at nursery/school etc? Take back the power, OP, he is still controlling you.

Annaskies Thu 12-Sep-19 12:32:32

@pikapikachu thanks for the suggestions I like the idea for photos. That would work for me, when they are with him I don't pester him, I like to speak to them before bed if its overnight but only if they want to call.

Oh no @weenabix! Sorry to hear that. I will take a look at your thread. That's my fear that I will never be out of this. I'm not scared of him but its made me realise how used to being controlled I must have become as I'm not managing to set boundaries and say how I want things to be. Do you have agreements in place for visiting?

Annaskies Thu 12-Sep-19 12:34:05

You're right @cherrysoup. I'm feeling quite pathetic at the moment that I've become so downtrodden and unable to stick up for myself

Weenabix Thu 12-Sep-19 12:39:21

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3689458-Cant-and-wont-move-on-from-my-ex

This is my thread. I really hadn't considered that I was still being controlled because like you I'm not scared of him and he's out of the house and I've actually divorced him - I thought I was doing quite well!

Cherrysoup Thu 12-Sep-19 12:43:32

@Annaskies don't feel bad, he's just in your mind and you need to separate mentally as well as physically. It's up to you how much access you allow into your home/daily life. You can withdraw, you're allowed!

snowbear66 Thu 12-Sep-19 12:59:27

Can you imagine an ex-husband doing this running around if he split up with his wife?
I think that you need to tough it out a bit and don't worry if he gets in a mood, or falls out with you. Whatever he says just think 'whatever@ and don't engage. If you are trying to prove you are a good person, you can't win with him.
He can call and speak to DC and text about pick up/drop off arrangements but that's it.

Annaskies Thu 12-Sep-19 21:14:25

@weenabix I've only read the op for your thread so far but the major difference is I don't want to be with my ex at all in any way. Will catch up the rest of it this evening.

Thank you @cherrysoup I feel like I need to hear that continuously to remind myself.

You are right @snowbear66 I am really trying but I now have him hounding me ringing and messaging even though the DC are asleep because he saw that I went online and didn't respond to him.

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