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I think my husband has fallen out of love

(22 Posts)
whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 19:09:42

I would appreciate any guidance/advice from people who may have felt similar.
I feel heartbroken before I even know for sure, but I get the feeling DH has fallen out of love with me. Married 5 1/2yrs, 3DC. I do suffer with depression and anxiety which I think he struggles with, but I feel he isn't interested enough to try and stop me getting in my ruts sometimes. He is always up for sex but other than that he isn't really showing any affection, he works hard, I'm a sahm which I also struggle with but the dynamics of our location, his job and the zero support system we have means I can't work. I need a lot of emotional support as I'm so isolated, I don't have a sole to talk to, nor the confidence to meet anybody locally. He loves his hobbies, fishing and metal detecting and I suppose I resent him doing either because they don't include us, he is so passionate about them I actually despise listening to him talk about them because here I am completely cut off and there he is moaning he has worked all week and just wants some time out to himself to do his hobbies. I don't know what else to add, I just feel like he has checked out of our marriage and would either love a wife who lets him do what he wants when he wants, or no wife at all and it's making me so sad. Any advice?

IdblowJonSnow Wed 11-Sep-19 19:17:18

How old are your kids? Can you get back to work part time?
I can completely see and understand both sides, sounds like your aware of his perspective which is good. Is he aware of yours?

Gollyfot Wed 11-Sep-19 19:20:31

I think it’s fine for him to have hobbies of his own so long as he spends time with you too .

He won’t find it easy dealing with your depression all the time so I think it’s good that he had other outlets .

The fact that he is still interested in sex means that he still wants you . He hasn’t checked out your marriage becaus she has hobbies !

Find something that you all enjoy doing together in the weekend , eg park or soft play or swimming with the kids . Let him do his hobbies too . Get a baby sitter once a month and have a date night where u eat out and go movies together as a couple etc. But in the weekdays you need to find an outlet for yourself so it isn’t just you with the kids all the time . So , get involved in the toddler groups , and other community events held for kids . You’d be surprised at how many mothers have similar feelings . This way you will also make your own friends . In the same way that he does hobbies in the weekend , you find hobbies too , eg dance class or painting , Phtography ... whatever you like , so he can let you do your thing too . When he comes home from
Work in the evening in the weekdays maybe you can have a night a week where you go gym / swim etc and he stays gone with the kids .

The important thing is to make sure you find the individual YOU are as much as HE does . That way you won’t feel so resentful of his hobbies .

If his hobbies are taking over the weekend and you are just watching the kids , then that needs to change , but YOU need to be motivated to get out and find your own things to do so you get your own breathing space too .

You could also have a day in the weekend when you all do things as a family .

I’m not saying that your illness with the depression isn’t hard , I’m sure you are finding this tough . But just because he has these hobbies it doesn’t mean your marriage is failing . X

FetchezLaVache Wed 11-Sep-19 19:20:53

What's the longest he's ever had sole charge of all the DCs for? Does he understand how draining it is and that small children are not always scintillating company?

Oly4 Wed 11-Sep-19 19:25:53

you need to create a life for yourself outside of just being a mum and a wife. It’s fine for him to have hobbies as Lon as he is also a good father and you do things as a family.
It sounds like YOU need to find things you want to do and make some friends.
Are you having counselling and on meds for the depression and anxiety? If not, visit your GP for help. Can you go to clubs locally or coffee mornings or the gym.. anything to get you out and about and meeting people.

Landlubber2019 Wed 11-Sep-19 19:26:41

You don't sound happy, so you need to change instead of asking him to change. You need to find something for you, you sound very dependent upon him and resentful of any life outside of you. Can you find a playgroup to get your kids socialising and you may meet friends in a similar situation thus working on building a life less reliant upon someone else?

bigchris Wed 11-Sep-19 19:29:36

I'm sorry but I feel bad for him

It's not his role to be the sole focus of your life

It's great he has hobbies , you need some of your own

Are you doing anything to help your lack of confidence and anxiety ?

It sounds draining for him

bigchris Wed 11-Sep-19 19:31:17

I feel he isn't interested enough to try and stop me getting in my ruts sometimes

Again this is your job not his , being so dependent on him will drive him away

peanacat Wed 11-Sep-19 20:02:33

I’m not confident meeting people and I had my baby 4 months ago and suddenly developed PND. Having never suffered any MH problems before it really took me by surprise. However being at home made it worse so I bit the bullet and went to a baby group. I picked one where the focus wasn’t just sitting in a circle so less pressure and I knew that at the end of the day I could just walk out if it really was that bad. Guess what? It wasn’t! I now go to two baby groups a week, plus I reached out to another mum on this app called Mush. I talked to her online/via facebook for an entire month before I met her for a walk with the prams and I’m so glad I did. I feel like I have a life again. I would really recommend downloading Mush and saying ‘Hi’ to some local mums. If they don’t reply? Then fine, nobody knows its you, it doesn’t show your full name. And if they do? Great! You can chat to them about your day, meet up when you feel ready and get some friends to do things! I agree with other posters, you need to do things for yourself. Getting out and about and having different days will make you a happier person, and give you something to chat about with your DH!

whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 20:09:04

I did work part time but his job means he can be called at any time night or day which happened while I was at work so in the end my employer and I agreed it wasn't working. I'm no good to an employer if I'm not reliable which is a bit shit but I wouldn't employ me either, I was enjoying it too just getting out the house and again think this caused some resentment. He is a good dad, he is tired and doesn't have the patience sometimes after a long day at work but I wouldn't say he is a bad dad, he loves us all. DC are 9,7 and 1. I agree it is down to me to find myself some hobbies and make me time I can't blame him for that, I just find it so hard to integrate into a new society, we move with his job every 12months/2yrs and so I'm having to start again all the time. Back at home I have amazing friends and family and they say I'm the life and soul however in new situations and settings I find it so hard. Been on meds for 10yrs and had counselling in the past briefly, each time we move it's back to the docs to be put on a waiting list again. I've looked for a private counsellor today but it's upwards of £40 a session which doesn't sound a lot but don't forget I don't work. DH is away with work at min, 2wks this time which is a regular occurrence. All my family and friends think all is hunky dory and I don't want them thinking otherwise as they worry about my depression etc. Thanks for the replies guys I really do appreciate it.

whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 20:12:31

I will have a look for the app mush thankyou! I don't have any social media I'm pretty useless with tech but I will see if I can download that app x

31RueCambon75001 Wed 11-Sep-19 20:51:05

If you really want to stay married I would suggest that you make it clear indirectly that if you do split up he'd have the children 50% of the time so that you could also live your life.

If you cannot work, can you do a degree? Can you drive?
You probably do need to socialise more and find your tribe so to speak (hate that cliche, i'm still looking for my tribe!) but in the meantime find a hobby that enthuses you that you can enjoy on your own. Painting, dressmaking, clay sculptures. Writing, drama club, running. Find something that you love that shows him that you are capable of finding your own happiness.

Gollyfot Wed 11-Sep-19 21:05:12

He needs to support you in getting a job if that helps you feel better , and find ways to make it work with his job too

Debrons Wed 11-Sep-19 21:06:35

Why don’t you go home? If he’s working away so much anyway why doesn’t he just come back to where you are when he’s home. Why do you need to be where you are? It doesn’t make sense for you to be so lonely when you have a brilliant support system somewhere else

whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 21:22:34

I wish I could go home, it would be amazing to get back to my own life but the distance is too far for him to travel daily and I just really wanted to try my best to have him involved with the kids daily rather than if he can come and see us at a weekend. I can't have my cake and eat it though but I was trying to put the kids having their dad before me being happy. I don't even know anybody on Mumsnet so I'm not sure if they would be able to identify me but he is military and he is insistent on doing his full career, which I want to support but find that I'm negative towards it all without always meaning to be.

PennyPittstop Wed 11-Sep-19 21:51:05

Being a military wife is not easy. I'm a raf wife and it does make me feel extremely isolated. I'm guessing that you aren't in military accommodation. Is the married patch anywhere near you? Could you not integrate with other military wives so that you at least get to meet some friends?

whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 22:23:18

I do live in the married quarters, this is my 4th married quarter and my first move I made the mistake of opening up to people about personal issues, just general life stuff really and didn't realise that they weren't as genuine as my actual friends back home and so I have never attempted to integrate into the military community again. I have probably made a rod for my own back and now my husband is having to put up with my patheticness, I do feel for him... I just would like him to see it from my POV. Thanks for the responses. I have downloaded Mush and reached out to somebody as I find it so much easier that way than face to face.

Secondsight Wed 11-Sep-19 22:49:41

I know this isn't the answer but when I had small children I used to think about what I could do rather than couldn't.
What about taking the children out for the day visiting different places we used to go to national trust properties. You are on your own but you meet all kinds of people when out and about. Just getting a coffee when out in a different environment can help. I went through a bad patch as my DH was a taxi driver and worked all through the week and nights at the weekend. Don't look to them for an answer. I know my suggestion isn't ideal but it's better than being isolated. I enjoyed googling different walks and things to do and then taking a packed lunch and going out for the day.

PennyPittstop Wed 11-Sep-19 23:01:04

The military does provide a lot of support for families. Please use it. It's what it is there for. You OH should be able to point you in the right direction. I can understand you being cautious but there will be somebody on the married patch that you could develop a friendship with. Try going along to some of the families social stuff and see who you hit it off with. I know the raf organises lots of days out etc so maybe doing some of these would get you out and about. If I was stuck in doing nothing but be a mum I think I would go stir crazy. I have a brain and need to use it.

whereishappyat Wed 11-Sep-19 23:55:54

I continuously avoid meeting new people because I don't think I'm that great of a person, I won't be of any interest to them and my self esteem is at an all time low. I don't actually have a purpose, other than clean the house (which I am not good at) and childcare - which I do my best at. I'm putting limitations on myself and causing these problems, I can recognise this and I need to get my arse into gear. I think my husband has fallen out of love with me and he has every right to really I'm not the independent, happy, up for a laugh - not to mention slim confused girl he fell in love with. You have all been very kind. I will write on my mirror 'get over yourself' and look at this daily haha.

TheIcecreamLady Thu 12-Sep-19 03:19:00

I think it’s hard for both of you, but I think you should be the one to start working on yourself. Go out with the baby as much as you can and maybe put him in daycare part time so you can have some time for youself. Your husband probably feels uncomfortable, maybe he doesn’t know how to help you but he sounds like a good man. Just be strong and change your mindset, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Debrons Thu 12-Sep-19 04:33:09

What do you have in your local area? Is there a gym with a crèche? Do you drive? Sign up for a gym with a crèche and start exercising/swimming daily. It will do wonders for your mental health

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