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New Man - Have no clue what i’m Doing

(34 Posts)
Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:21:52

I think I need someone to talk some sense into me so any gentle advice welcome.
I split up with my cheating husband of 20yrs about 3 years ago. Pretty hideous divorce and I haven’t wanted to date or anything since. He’s abandoned the teenage kids too so they’ve been my priority up till now. No where near brave enough to try OLD, feel very much past it at 47 !! So I really wasn’t looking for anything.
A few months ago by chance I started chatting to a man online. We hit it off, have met 5 times, kissing only, feels like there’s a spark ? He lives 90 miles away. We chat loads on WhatsApp throughout the day, both seem to be very open about stuff.
He’s currently going through an unpleasant divorce, and obviously preoccupied sometimes.
But it is feeling at the moment like he’s giving mixed signals. I’m not sure if I’m just so out of practice I’m overthinking it.
I know I really like him, and maybe that’s making me needy ?? I’m just scared of making an idiot of myself, so I back off at times too.
One day he’ll be very sweet, we sometimes speak on the phone all evening until the early hours. He’ll say lovely things all day and I do too. Then another day, he’s very abrupt and only send a couple of messages. I totally understand he’s going through stuff, and don’t want or need 100’s of messages every day. But it feels a bit like being on a see saw.
Example - last night we were arranging to meet up at the weekend. We had a real laugh and he tells me how much he likes me. Can’t wait to spk to me tomorrow etc. Then this morning he messaged hello, I replied and he hasn’t even read the message despite being on and off the app all day.
Am I being thick, needy or still not tough enough inside for all this stuff ?

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:23:42

Sorry meant to add this has happened a few times now. I haven’t mentioned it to him because I don’t want to come across as a bunny boiler, but it all confuses the hell out of me.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:26:34

I think you need to be really careful. He lives 90 miles away, how do you KNOW he's getting divorced? He can tell you anything he wants, but that doesn't make it true.

Enb76 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:29:43

I think you're being a little needy. It's not possible to respond to messages all the time, life gets in the way - sometimes I'll send a message and then not look at my phone for hours. Sometimes, there are messages on my phone that I want to get through quickly before I have time to properly concentrate on a conversation with someone so I don't read their message until I know I have the time to dedicate to it.

I think, worry less, although that's easier said than done - fill your hours!!

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:31:31

Thanks for the reply and yes of course I can’t be certain of anything, but we’ve talked a lot about divorce (sounds like a fun conversation doesn’t it!) and i’m trying to help him with some of the legal stuff so I’m pretty sure it’s legitimate on that front.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:37:59

Thanks Enb76, you’re probably right. I’m a daft needy woman !!
It’s not just the frequency of the messages though if that makes sense. We both work at difficult jobs so I understand the having the time thing. But it’s sometimes quite cold messages ? God knows I don’t need declarations every 5 minutes, but one day it’s 50 in the evening and the next having been told he can’t wait to speak to me all day, I’ll get one message in the evening saying ‘going to bed. Night’. I just find it confusing !!

Enb76 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:43:22

I guess that as with the other poster - you don't really know what's going on in his life. Perhaps he received a call from a lawyer etc... or perhaps he's just not all that nice. One way of finding out is asking him - not in a boiler bunny kind of way, perhaps in a 'I've noticed there are some days when you're a little shutdown, is everything ok?'.

NewMe2019 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:46:41

Ask him. Hopefully he'll explain. It may have been a long day and is tired etc, or he may be messing you around.

My marriage had shit communication. I had no idea what ExH thought about anything, getting and information was like getting blood out of a stone. I'm now in a relationship where we discuss everything and tell each other if the other other has upset us then we discuss and sort it and move on. It's unbelievably refreshing and I'd never go back to the other way of never saying anything and never dealing with it.

RantyAnty Wed 11-Sep-19 15:47:46

I'd keep dating. 5 dates in a few months. Not worth waiting around for.

going through a divorce, separated, and living a bit far a red flags for married man.

Just keep dating and only someone who is actually divorced and lives closer than that.

Limit your time with him online. The constant texting can make a type of fantasy in your head about what someone is. Plus, all the time is just eating up your time you can spend doing other things and meetings other guys.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:48:23

That’s very sensible advice. I guess I don’t want to come across pushy. I kind of let him take the lead and I respond to the tone or the mood or the frequency. Ahhh maybe I’m still not ready for all this malarkey !!
I’m sure it was all easier before mobile phones etc, but it’s been so long I’ve forgotten !!

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 15:53:41

RantyAnty, you’re right, I’m not usually attached to my phone and now I’m checking it constantly. Amazing how shit it can make you feel though when you’re ignored.

NewMe - i’m Very glad you have found a good one !!

Nope I think this was a one off. Still scarred from the marriage if i’m Honest, i’ll Go back to concentrating on the kids and buy some cats if this comes to nothing !!

Rooftop99 Wed 11-Sep-19 16:02:35

Rowan - I would say the fact that you have taken the first step to get back on the horse shows that you are ready for this but I think that this one is probably not the right man for you. 90 miles away is a huge obstacle straight away.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 16:12:30

Rooftop - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in some ways. Having felt perfectly content with my life and putting myself back together for the last 3 years. Even this little bit of very unexpected ‘excitement’ has made me realise that maybe I’d like something / someone in the future. It’s been lovely chatting to him in the evenings.
But I know OLD is not for me, not exactly confident so...
How many cats are acceptable ??

litterbird Wed 11-Sep-19 16:44:00

Please be careful with this man, he is separated and heading for divorce, I have dated someone similar and won't again. They blow hot and cold as they may not be over the wife or the marriage. They say to only date a man 18 months after divorce as it has given them time to grieve the relationship. I really dont want you to be the relationship that eases him out of divorce, they typically dont last and hearts are broken. The good thing is that you are starting to get out there and communicate with other men. Take that as a great sign....perhaps have a go at is weird at times but I have met some smashing men on there and helped me get back on my feet! As for the texting thing....I wish it was never invented!!! It gives people so much anxiety as I can see in your post. Give him time to respond...he's going through a lot. Men compartmentalise stuff so you won't be at the top of his list all the time. Good luck though!

crimsonlake Wed 11-Sep-19 16:45:57

Basically he is still going through a messy divorce and not in the right place emotionally to be in a new relationship. Move on.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 17:11:11

Litterbird - thank you, I think you’re probably right with the timing. Hell its taken me 3 years to even consider another man.
I’m just a bit sad because it felt like it could be something. But maybe I over invested because I was excited and we got on so well. Plus I really fancied some sex !!!
Oh well - lesson learned.
I’m glad you found OLD helped you. I know I’m not brave enough and I’m cool with that.

Crimsonlake - love the straight to the point post 😂. Yep i’ve Probably been kidding myself and it’s too soon. He seems like such a nice guy, and I don’t want to just abandon him, he’s having a rough time, so maybe I’ll withdraw slowly if I can.

Dieu Wed 11-Sep-19 17:25:33

I don't know how anyone has time for constant communication. Don't your jobs and families get in the way?
I think you are being a bit needy, and you are obviously experiencing angst when the pattern of communication changes. But the thing is, it is simply not sustainable. No one can keep that level of communication going long-term, not unless you're into the utter tedium of hearing all about someone's day.
Focus on your real life meets - they're what matters.

Jennifer2r Wed 11-Sep-19 17:27:25

A general rule of thumb is that if you feel like after the amount of time you have been dating that you need to make a mumsnet thread about him, it's probably worth just moving on. That's not being unkind, I'm just saying, your instinct/gut is trying to tell you something and you're looking for reasons to ignore it.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 17:42:37

Dieu - you made me laugh. Sadly I quite enjoy the tedium of some one else’s day !!
I guess I wasn’t sure what was normal and what wasn’t these days. I agree with you about sustainability of constant messaging (i’m Sooo not normally like this) but I think it’s the lack of explanation that goes with it.
If it were me i’d Just say, sorry I was busy doing xxxx. But cool if I’m being needy, as I said i’m Hideously out of practice with any of this.

Jennifer2r - of course you’re not being unkind. I appreciate all the different views. I think my confidence is still shattered so I posted wondering if this was a problem in my head. Sounds like it might be !!

supercali77 Wed 11-Sep-19 19:56:26

@Rowan10 typically some level of consistency is expected in texting. Being full on one day and virtually incommunicado the next is not a good way to operate. Would you do it? If he texted you would you ignore him for the entire day?

crappyday2018 Wed 11-Sep-19 20:06:26

Firstly I would start to back off from all the messaging. It sounds like you are making yourself way too available for him. Then, when he doesn't have time/or doesn't want to talk to you, you are left hanging.
I would set yourself a rule of only texting a maximum of 6 times (or whatever) a day. On the nights he is constantly texting you, you don't have to constantly reply.
Proceed with caution in general as going through a divorce isn't a great sign. Men are renowned for jumping straight into another relationship when they're not ready.

Dieu Wed 11-Sep-19 20:22:05

I really hope it works out for you (you sound really nice!), and your confusion is understandable. But I agree with the point about not making yourself too available. Being too available devalues you, in someone else's eyes.

Rowan10 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:05:24

Supercali - no I wouldn’t and I guess that’s the point. I’d prefer 5 messages in total rather than 50 one day and then 1 the next. This whole messaging / WhatsApp thing is new to me. I only downloaded it to speak to him - I’m very last century !!

Crappyday - that’s probably good advice. I’ve realised the messaging is slightly addictive and if it’s starting to affect my mood then it can’t be good. I suppose it’s my fault because for two months it’s been a bit full on, and i’ve Come to expect all the messages.

Dieu - Thank you again. Problem is I feel an idiot playing games. Maybe I am too much of an eager beaver (pun intendedgrin). But like tonight, he finally replied around 6pm. I think I spent about 5 seconds wondering whether or not to respond immediately and then thought sod it why not. If you want to speak to someone just speak to someone. Clearly i’m Not meant to be a lady of mystery !!

Ah who knows. It’s been really good to hear opinions because I think I may have got a bit carried away with it. I shall do some thinking and take a bit of a step back.

blueshoes Wed 11-Sep-19 21:19:35

Blowing hot and cold is not a good sign. Whatever his reason, he does not have your feelings as a priority.

Continue dating. He is not currently a keeper. Maybe he will sort himself out later but that is not your problem nor should you wait for him. See other people who will treat you better.

browngirl40 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:21:14

Go with your gut instinct, 90 miles is a long distance relationship but as everyone else has said he's not divorced yet. It's ok to get carried away but then you need to step back and realise the reality. Getting a cat may not be a bad idea. Male ones are more affectionate! smile

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