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(43 Posts)
Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:28:26

So everything was fine with my MIL until we announced we were getting married, everything changed then. I noticed it straight away he thought it was just me. Long story short it went form regular family meals and coming round bringing shopping and treats for our kids (my 2 boys his daughter so her granddaughter ) they were always treat the same at xmas and bday until this point. Anyways. it got worse and worse she stopped speaking to me had nothing to do with our wedding and didn’t even come round at xmas this point my husband realised there was a problem tried to have it out. My hen party came and it was a disaster she ruined it sat slagging me off and we ended up having words. His parents are wealthy and had no input or contribution to the wedding. Wedding day come she was snipping through the speeches and didn’t speak to me once at all. Then she ruined it at the end kicking off she hurt my son storming though a door and screamed at him. that was my final straw. After the wedding she messaged him disowning him and threatening to take his child from him.. called me every name under the son and shared my most private secrets about my children (which ill not disclose ) to his ex mother of his child who told everyone ! the ultimate betrayal as I didn’t even know my husband has shared this info with his mum ! as well the wedding we didn’t even get a bottle of prosecco as a gift nothing not a thing and when I say they aren’t short trust me there aren’t short. never thanked us or congratulated us nothing in fact moaned she wasn’t in the thank you speeches and loads more. its not about money or gifts it was the hurt and betrayal and unwilling to help her only son on his wedding or future.
So after all this me and his mum havnt spoken and it escalated with her screaming drunk down the phone saying the vilest things to me wishing me dead and threatening my husband her son she would take his child from him pay for his ex to fight him in court and all sort of unforgivable. proceeded to take the ex out for lunch and do all sorts of stuff anyways.
He has since made up with his mum and I cant accept it… not only this my son had his birthday recently and she didn’t even get him a card but his daughter got a new bike now I get that I don’t want her near my kiods now from what she idd but I don’t think its fair the kids should suffer they don’t understand why he didn’t get a bday card or wishes and she did.
Turns out my husband has bene going for tea with his mum in secret.
I cant accept it … and I don’t know what to do.. will this ultimately end our marriage. it seems his loyalties aren’t with us.. I know his mum is his mum, but I just cannot see past what she’s done. The betrayal and ruining my big day and hen I cant get back and can’t be fixed.. I've got opinions from family and friends but they will obv be on my side I just want to hear an outsiders opinion on what I should or could do and if I have to learn to accept it or is my husband out of order ?

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:30:56

not only that there was an incident where I got so down about it I disappeared and didn’t want to be here anymore… after the things that were done and said and it feels like he’s just accepted what his mum has done and forgot about it all. I just can’t shake how I feel but should I ? or is it me that needs to get some help ?

Sansastark45 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:36:31

I would not be happy with my husband if we went behind my back like yours has - at the end of the day its about loyalty - his mum has caused this situation and surely your husband should stick up for whats right! He should not allow her to be like this with his wife!
And as for his mother offering to pay his ex to help her get custody of their child is absolutely disgusting!! That goes to show how much she thinks of her son!

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:36:33

i know the issue is down to jealousy.. you see his mum and dad have been together nearly 40 years but his dad has never married her and i think that is what it all comes down to. well in fact she did say drunk 'i will marry your dad one day '

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:38:08

this is my thoughts too and that wasn't the only threat she made to him and said equally vile stuff to him as she did me she ultimately tried to ruin his wedding and happiness i cant see how he can forgive that. I've said about loyalty it feels like his loyalties lie with her and not me and our kids.

Mumofone1860 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:42:29

I don't think this is a good environment for you or your boys. By telling his mum your secrets and meeting her secretly he doesn't seem to care how she treats you or think about you, which is not what you want in a partner.

purpleboy Wed 11-Sep-19 13:42:43

What has your husband said about this?
You need to have a very frank and honest conversation with him about the sneaking around and your feelings.
I can understand the need for people to keep relationship with parents but honestly she sounds bonkers. Do you think you can deal with him having a relationship with him mum? It does to me show a serious lack of respect for you.
I would worry if you gave him an ultimatum you might not like the decision he makes?

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:55:28

I cant deal with him having a relationship that's my problem i just cant deal with it it sends my anxiety through the roof and i just can't accept it or deal with it and he knows that but now hes all kissed and made up with her his attitude is as if to say well u don't have to have a relationship with her get over it. not said those words but that's how it feels. I've told him his mum will ruin our marriage and hes just said your letting it.

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:57:13

I drive myself insane overthinking it when I know he’s even spoke to her I just can’t understand how he can or does or how he knows exactly how it makes me feel but does it anyway. but at the same time, he likes to keep the peace and everyone sweet so is he just people pleasing her for his family and for his dad but then he’s still betraying me and putting them 1st.

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 13:58:42

i want to give him the ultimatum but is that wrong of me to do so. i also have to appreciate the position he is in stuck between his wife and mum or do i .. i didn't do this.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 11-Sep-19 14:04:08

Lady, you're Husband has shown you who he is... I would be making my departure asap. flowers

p.s. She sounds Vile.

purpleboy Wed 11-Sep-19 14:08:15

I guess it depends on how much you love and respect this man?
Do you want to have a future with him?
I honestly don't know how I would feel if it was me. On one hand I would expect him to respect me and put our relationship first, but if it was my own mum I would hate the thought of someone telling me not to have anything to do with them. I feel that would be a decision I had to come too, not someone else's decision on my behalf.
Ultimately only you know how you feel and where you stand on this.

Drogosnextwife Wed 11-Sep-19 14:09:55

So when exactly did your dp disclose these secrets about your children to his mother? Sounds like it may have all stemmed from that?

AmIThough Wed 11-Sep-19 14:15:01

Quite seriously, is he keeping in contact because his parents are wealthy?

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 14:15:38

he actually told his dad during a NYE party a few years ago and his dad has disclosed it to his mum who must have known a good couple of years but it all came out after we booked our wedding.

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 14:17:48

AmIThough - no his parents have a strange relationship dad works abroad home every 6-8weeks and don't have joint acc so its not that with the mum. Him and his dad don't really have good relationship and his dad has never helped him with anything he doesn't sort of hand anything out to him or treat him in any way shape or form his dad doesn't even get him a bday card his mum just signs it form them both.

AmIThough Wed 11-Sep-19 14:31:29

@Sarajandb I meant is he worried about them writing him out of any will. Is he staying in touch to ensure he gets a decent inheritance?

AutumnCrow Wed 11-Sep-19 14:36:47

Sounds like too many secrets and lies. Like a Mike Leigh film.

Sarajandb Wed 11-Sep-19 14:38:29

To be honest he doesn't expect anything from his dad. i don't think they have a will if they have they've never said. but he is his dads next of kin automatically as him and his mum aren't married his dad isn't old or unwell or anything tho and neither is his mum so no i know its not that

SunniDay Wed 11-Sep-19 14:45:17

I don't think your husband is putting his mother first if he goes to visit her once a week. You have him the other 6 1/2 plus days.

I understand you think she is vile and that she has caused trouble but if it was your mum that was vile and had caused trouble would it be ok for your partner to tell you that you couldn't see her?

Could you try accepting that your husband might visit his mum once a week (might take his daughter) but the rest of you remain non contact and you don't want to hear anything about the visit, you don't want him discussing you with his mum - just drill him to say "she's fine - they're all fine".

Re the birthdays/non contact of your children you could just tell your children that you have fell out with nan (or whatever they call her) and so you asked her to leave you all alone and that it's not their fault. Perhaps your children are lucky enough to have two sets of grandparents anyway? If your childs grandparent wanted to buy a bike for one of your kids it doesn't mean that they have to get a big present for your partners kid (in my eyes anyway) she has her own grandparents to do that. Either way you can't make this lady treat her step grandchildren equally if she chooses not to. If your kids don't see her at all I can't see that she can do them much harm.

madambee Wed 11-Sep-19 14:52:15

You need to think long and hard. Do you otherwise have a good relationship with your dh? Is this who you want and what you want?

You cannot change his dm. She is probably lonely, feeling let down by her dp, perhaps she has too close a relationship with alcohol? Or perhaps your dh has told her something she can't abide. Who knows.

Your dh is sitting between a rock and a hard place.
But he should not gossip to his mother, his loyalty should be with you and the dc.

IF you decide you want your marriage to work, I think you should agree your dh can see his dm on his own. Your dc should not have any contact with her, no presents or cards to any of them, let alone visits.

If this compromise works for your dh and you, you better realize you can never tell him anything you wouldn't like thrown in your face confused. Shouldn't be like that in a marriage but at least you will know where you stand. Please get some therapy for you if this is what you decide.

And if you decide to leave, be prepared your mil will have more access to your dd and will fight you alongside her son.

It really all depends on your feelings towards your dh and if you can forgive him and trust him in the future.

Slugslasher Wed 11-Sep-19 15:48:59

I had a problem with my in-laws stemming from a toxic sister in law. At one stage during my relationship with them I was ostracised from the whole family. I decided to hold my nerve and left my door open to them but they had to pluck up the courage to actually walk over my threshold knowing they had treated me badly (due to influence from their daughter). During those years of ‘no contact’ my husband still visited them. This hurt me immensely but I was not prepared to issue the ultimatum “it’s me or them”. I am pleased I held my nerve because once my pil after years of staying away from ‘us’ (H still visited them) they, after I wrote to them with an olive branch (my door is open) visited. Nothing was said about the past but their whole body language told me they were sorry. The point of my telling you this is, I never once put my husband in the position to choose between them and me as I knew further down the line as they aged and became frail the estrangement would come back and bite me in the bum. Husband can never accuse me of coming in between them. The hurt I felt was immense at the time but I can never be blamed for coming in between them. In your case I would not want a relationship with a woman as toxic as your mother in law but your husband (their son) should know where his loyalties lie and use his own judgement. From what you have said about her she doesn’t deserve his loyalty but it is his decision to make. I would not put myself in the position of making him choose but I would not choose to have her in my life. I still will not countenance my sil but that is a different story.

Blushingm Wed 11-Sep-19 18:02:23

My in laws were similar. For example ex dh was given a gift of £10k on the proviso it wasn't shared with me as I was 'nothing and as far as they were concerned I was dead'

Ex accepted this and more - they controlled him. It spelt the end end of our marriage

SusieOwl4 Wed 11-Sep-19 18:56:14

do you actually know what the problem is ? Has anyone actually discussed what started all of this ? I agree you have to look at the bigger picture and if you love your husband then you not having contact could work . To ask him to chose would be playing into her hands I think .

Sarajandb Thu 12-Sep-19 09:40:42

we discussed last night and came to the conclusion that he will maintain a relationship with his mother but not discuss me or my children with her at all or anything of importance in our lives for her to pass on / twist to others or put her nasty opinion on. He wont be going for tea or anything like that but will have the occasional cuppa with her but there relationship mainly will be when handing over and collecting his daughter. with regards to my kids i want nothing from her and have concluded that anything she buys for her granddaughter now will go to her mothers house and we want no part of it. she wont be invited to any birthday parties or events get together ever again as she ruins them all.

I know her problem is simply jealousy because i got what she wanted the wedding, the marriage, the husband that is there for me the family surname and she after nearly 40 years still hasn't been 'awarded' that clearly an issue she needs to deals with with her partner and not take out on me and her son. its just very sad we could have been a happy family she could have gained two grandchildren and a daughter instead she caused a family rift and although she still has her only son it will never be the same again and every family occasion will now be awkward sad

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