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Help...really

(13 Posts)
Hollanda40 Wed 11-Sep-19 12:34:05

I'm an idiot. A stupid bloody fool.

DH and I are struggling a bit. He doesn't listen to me when I try to talk to him and a lot has happened recently that's basically set off my nerves and anxiety (been signed off work for it). He just chooses to pretend everything is OK. We never talk any more unless it's about DC (2 and 7). It's a cliché but I feel unloved and ignored.

A friend of mine has been incredibly supportive and just makes me laugh and feel good. He was - is - a friend but two weeks ago he kissed me. It was unexpected and...

Well, I reminded him I'm married etc and that seemed to be the end of it. We were both fairly tipsy and it was a drunken kiss that shouldn't have happened.

Only now he's saying he has feelings etc. My whole mind says screw you, any decent man would have backed off. And if I was a decent woman I'd have blocked him from my life and be trying to salvage our marriage. But I'm so so confused. I don't want an affair as it isn't the answer to anything. I've told him that a lot of times. A LOT.

Before this I'd wonder how people could cheat and despise them. But now I despise myself. This guy was a trusted friend and I don't want anything else from him so why can I not just block him?????

He feels awful. For confusing me and kissing me and I just want my husband back the way he was and my friend the way he was before this shit storm happened to me.

I'm disgusting.

Jabbercocky Wed 11-Sep-19 12:58:07

If you are looking for good quality, non-gender biased advice, you are looking in the wrong place.

I know that isn’t helpful but when the usual MNer crew get on this you are likely to feel more confused than you are now. Best you stay away.

Bunglefromrainbow Wed 11-Sep-19 13:01:21

Oh OP, how sad.

Unfortunately you need to ditch the friend, no if's, no giving him chance to go back to how he was, he needs to be ditched right now.

If it was me, I'd also tell DH what had happened, that this man who you saw only as a friend kissed you so you've ended the friendship. I can see why you'd try to avoid doing that.

If you don't block him then I agree completely that you are disgusting and to be frank you don't deserve the chance to repair your marriage. You will also be responsible for whatever effect this all has on your children.

Be a decent person and deal with this in a decent way.

womaninthedark Wed 11-Sep-19 13:05:02

The bugger of it is, they develop 'feelings' really quickly. And you can see it, them 'feeling' all over the place, soppy romantic fools that they are. Jealous of each other, competitive, mad fucks for the loving. Then, when they've had the shag, suddenly, they're cured.

You aren't 'disgusting', you're just human.

Stop fretting, block him and move on.

Hollanda40 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:06:25

I know. At least blocking him now will give me some head space to deal with it. Losing my friend is the least of my worries I guess.

Sansastark45 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:11:35

Dont beat yourself up too much about it - it was a drunken kiss - it wasnt like you had an emotional affair and then kissed and your confused - he has feelings - so if you dont then you need to tell him that you dont think of him like that and then end the friendship.

I think i would tell my husband that he kissed me - but that ive blocked him - so he knows your serious that nothing more will happen - would your husband consider couples counselling?

litterbird Wed 11-Sep-19 13:16:07

You are not disgusting, you are human. Stop berating yourself. Use this incident as a kick up the bum and sort your marriage out one way or another. Block your friend and deal with your life right now. Please, just be kind to yourself and forgive yourself....move on as best as possible.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 11-Sep-19 13:27:17

You are not disgusting.

Your friend acted abysmally and abused your trust in him so he needs to be blocked. He basically saw you in distress because of the problems in your marriage and took advantage; that is not at all what true friends do. I can see why it happened; you and on a wider level your marriage is in crisis and you reached out to what you thought was a friendly ear; he was infact someone who wanted to take advantage of your overall emotional state for his own ends. So what if he has feelings (yeah right); he overstepped boundaries completely. As for your own self do not get drunk in polite company and be far more careful going forward about who you open up to; a counsellor would be a better person to discuss your marriage with.

This other bloke as well is a distraction as to what is really going on in your marriage. I also do not think this drunken kiss would have happened if you had not felt so unloved and ignored in your marriage. Your marriage is in crisis and your H has you feeling unloved. If you are not listened to this would make you feel like you describe anyway.
Are you really still in this marriage solely now because of the children, why are you and he still together?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They see their father being unsupportive to you as their mother whilst you are in an anxious and depressed state. They pick up on all this within their home and see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to each other. What is the root cause of your current poor emotional state; I would argue its your husband. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 11-Sep-19 13:29:34

If he (more likely given that he thinks there are no problems/is burying his head in the sand) refuses couples counselling then go on your own. Find a therapist that fits in with your own approach, such people after all are likes shoes.

Hollanda40 Wed 11-Sep-19 14:19:39

The kiss shouldn't have happened. Basically I used to meet up with this guy and other friends for a couple of drinks etc.
I've been seeing more of him recently and he messaged me to see how things were, we'd send funny jokes etc. Since this revelation I've blocked him (explained I can't do this) and he said sorry and he shouldn't have said or done anything, it was a mistake. A pretty major one. I've developed a heart of steel and blocked anyway.

Sad to lose a friend but me and DH need to talk. I won't tell him what happened, just make it clear we need to spend more time together as a couple and talk through anything that might be bothering us...at least get him talking to me!!!!!

SherbetSaucer Wed 11-Sep-19 14:53:20

He feels awful. For confusing me and kissing me

No he’s doesn’t! He’s bad news and knows exactly what he’s doing. You’re not losing a friend by blocking him because he isn’t a friend because he has shitty intentions in addition to no regard for the consequences you or your family (including your children) would experience if you went ahead!

Block him and work on your marriage or leave DH but don’t entertain an affair. No good has ever come from such a scenario!

Hollanda40 Wed 11-Sep-19 23:00:23

I think he may well have felt bad about kissing me. We'd both been drinking and yes these things happen. I think his mistake was not just saying look, we kissed, shouldn't have happened and I'm going to give you space work on your marriage. I'd have had more respect.

I'm lucky to have got out of the situation
Before it ended up in a full blown affair. Looking back I'm very lucky. I no longer feel upset losing a friend but lucky enough to recognise DH and I need to rebuild our relationship so this doesn't happen again with anyone ever.

Hollanda40 Thu 12-Sep-19 09:29:46

Can this thread be deleted pls?

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