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44 and alone for the first time ever is this it....

(21 Posts)
Winona45 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:17:45

Separated after 20 plus years together. Instigated by me.
Although I'm in no place to look now is this probably it for me?
Is dating and the hope of meeting someone over 45 really impossible?
Cos it feels it.
I feel like a fat, frumpy mum thats never ever dated and i'm terrified!
We went from 6th form to forever with 3 kids and i have no clue how to rebuild.

Jennifer2r Wed 11-Sep-19 09:22:51

It's not impossible of course.

You need to have high standards and not lower them because you're down on yourself. Helps if you're clear on what you want. Are you after a lover or a relationship or do you just want to date?

Winona45 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:25:29

I don't think i want anything yet. Ive had one relationship my whole life since i was 17. I feel like i need to figure myself out. But i think in the long run I'd like a relationship.
Ive just come out of am awful one and where ive felt lonely for so long.

Winona45 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:26:53

I mean i imagine im a fat mum of 40 plus but ive been told many times im attractive and dont look my age so maybe thats just my insecurities talking.🙄

FuriousVexation Wed 11-Sep-19 09:27:59

The sexingest years of your life are right ahead of you.

Now is the time when you get to try out all forms of sex, with both men and women.

Or you could just pick some average man with low-par oral skills.

OP you know you don't need a partner, right?

BrightonRox Wed 11-Sep-19 09:28:24

No it isn't impossible at all, far from it. Lots of people in their 40s/50s/60s and beyond will meet new loves. It will feel like the end for you because you have been in a relationship for so long without knowing any different. This is the time to learn more about yourself as a single entity, rather than ' a couple'.

If you have split very recently, I'd recommend taking a year or so out of actively looking for another relationship and concentrate on yourself. How old are your kids? Do you work? Hobbies? When I came out of my marriage I had no clue what I liked/wanted. I'm in my 40s too and don't see it as being the end of my life relationship wise at all.

pallasathena Wed 11-Sep-19 09:38:05

You take baby steps. I'm a great fan of lists! And suggest you buy yourself a beautiful notebook, a gorgeous pen and write a list of what you want to achieve by this time next week.
On my list (over 25 years ago now) I remember very clearly writing simple, achievable things like read Jane Eyre; listen to Radio 4 one evening instead of tv; try out a new recipe; clear out my wardrobe and take to charity shop - small steps OP..... but doable.

iamthrough Wed 11-Sep-19 09:52:19

Hi I know exactly how you feel. I'm 48, separated from my husband of 20 years just over 18 months ago. Like you he was my "one and only". I'd been completely turned off sex for years before that TBH - I felt dead from the waist down. Now I feel like I'm having a new lease of life! Just recently had an experience where basically I got "picked up" in a bar - nothing really happened apart from a quick snog but it made me realise I do still have that sexual side of myself - so now I'm On-line dating. If you'd of asked me even just 6 months ago I would of said "no way I'm not going there" but here I am giving it a go and having a laugh with it. I haven't found "The guy" yet but its fun as I'm not taking it too seriously. Give yourself time - look for things to do for yourself in the meantime - new hobbies - get some exercise whatever works for you but start looking forward to your new future. Good Luck

Cath2907 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:54:28

Wow!!! NO NO NO!
I am 42 and split from my husband this time last year. I am a bit plump, I have an 8 year old, a dog, a house and a laundry pile like the North face of the Eiger!

I was sad for a while, then a bit up and down for a bit and then one morning I woke up thinking I REALLY wanted a sex life. No relationship, just to scratch and itch.

I braved a site called fab swingers. It is definitely NOT for the faint hearted and I spent about 2 weeks wading through a sea of dick-pics and crudity. However I did get a handle on weeding out the crazies and finding what I wanted and guess what.... I am HOT! I am desirable and sexy and there are a lot of men out there lining up to tell me that!

I met guy#1 and he was really nice. It was fun but a bit awkward.

I met guy#2 and we had coffee on the first meet which was much more my thing! We've been seeing each other once a week since July. Mostly we spend the time in bed but we have had the odd "date". He has a life and so do I and neither of us want to blend them. This is enough "relationship" for me for now. If we get fed up with one another I know that I could find another FWB in a heartbeat.

Take some time for yourself but don't sell yourself short.

Winona45 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:01:34

Wow thanks everyone.
Kids are early teens. I do work fulltime but its a very female , clinical environment.
I do agree with the posters that say it's too early, i guess i just wanted to know how invisible im likely to be !
I've never ever dated!!!

aboutbloodytime123 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:18:48

No! I am in my 40s and when exH finally moved out (it was years overdue) I thought that side of my life was over, that I had to accept I would never date again. Working single mum, young DC etc. Now 2 years with DP who is wonderful smile I still can't believe my luck. We met on Tinder after a mate convinced me to download it 🙈 had one date before him, who was grim but hey, it was 40 mins coffee.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Wed 11-Sep-19 10:43:38

OP, I'm the same age as you. I split up from my husband around 8 years ago. I've had a few flings in the meantime but I've reached our grand old age and decided that that is it for me now.

IME, you won't have any trouble at all in finding men who will find you attractive; want to have sex with you; make you feel sexy and confident again. I very much doubt that you will be interested in having a relationship when you've actually got to know them.

All the women I know who've met men over 40 have had to make huge concessions/lower their standards/turn a blind eye to behaviours that they wouldn't ideally tolerate and that's standard whether the men they've met are GPs; ageing DJs; Head Teachers; lorry drivers; mechanics; chefs or computer programmers.

I haven't yet met a single one I'd have in my life long term!

Itsmostlygristlecath Wed 11-Sep-19 10:51:12

Like others said are you only worth something in life because of a partner? You don’t want to need anyone. Bit by bit rebuild, cheesy as it bloody sounds but focus on you and what you enjoy, I've been single for a year and a half at 35 and I don’t feel sorry for myself (every other fucker does though) it’s been great, I’ve learnt loads about myself, I’m glad my partner cheated and left as it made me wake up and live for me. Focus on you first.

Otterhound Wed 11-Sep-19 10:59:13

There are lots of fat and frumpy 40 something men out there too keep you company!
And im sure you are neither fat nor frumpy!

Winona45 Wed 11-Sep-19 11:01:56

Eurgh TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower that's scary and depressing and what I was afraid of tbh.
I've put off separating from DH for so long because I'm scared of being alone, he loves me and i wonder if I'll find anyone else that does!
That is what I need to work on i know. sad

Madickenxx Wed 11-Sep-19 11:56:24

I left my STBXH in January after 23 years of abuse and could not wait to be on my own. I love living on my own (with my teens) and making all my own decisions and no more walking on egg shells. I had no intention to date for at least a year (ex had a girlfriend within 3 weeks) but downloaded some OLD apps out of pure curiosity after a couple of months. I spent my marriage feeling unattractive and unwanted and didn't think anyone could want me again. Going on the apps gave me a confidence boost. I didn't really intend to date straight away and just wanted to dip my toes in but met someone after around 4 weeks of OLD who i really liked and 6 months down the line we are very much a couple and in love. I most certainly did not trade down or lower my standards (whatever that means). I knew exactly what I didn't want from a relationship and stepped into one cautiously. We are in no hurry to move in together / blend families and I love the fact that I'm in a committed relationship but also plenty of time to myself and the kids. I can see myself growing old with my bf and that's not something I could ever see with my ex. I am 45 btw smile

BatshitCrazyWoman Wed 11-Sep-19 13:14:09

OP give yourself time to heal. And have a look at the dating thread here - there's quite a few women in their 40s on there. I'm 55 and met an amazing man this year. I didn't lower my standards at all!

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 11-Sep-19 13:24:21

I'm single (again) at 58 - grown up kids, so I am enjoying being by myself and doing my own thing when I want to. But I wanted to reassure you that you do NOT become invisible - I've had lots of offers and am politely turning them all down because I am enjoying being on my own so much!

TheWaspsAreEverywhere Wed 11-Sep-19 13:34:09

I'm in my mid 40's, and ended my 20 year marriage in November (although it was over long before that). By February I had met someone new and wonderful. We are still together, totally in love, and very happy 😊 I didn't intend to go out and meet someone new so soon after the end of my marriage, but circumstances meant that I did meet him, so I just went with it. The relationship I have with my new partner is completely different to the one I had with my STBXH, and I am so happy that I trusted myself. I certainly haven't had to lower my standards or anything.

That said, I was in a really good place mentally, due to having had quite a bit of counselling as my marriage was coming to an end, so I had worked through the things that had happened and how my marriage had ended, and was absolutely sure of myself and how I felt. I think you do need time to heal, it's just that most of my healing was done before ex and I split.

litterbird Wed 11-Sep-19 13:34:15

OMG I became single at 50 and now 55, I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been, I have a couple of lovely gentlemen after me and they are really nice people. I have spent the last 5 years dating and recovering from my split. It took some time to recover so please take time out for yourself and get yourself fit and healthy. Life is fabulous once you get clean from your previous relationship. There are lovely men out there but you have to wade through the rubbish first. I decided after several years that I dont want a full time relationship ever again and very happy with my suitors who I see regularly. Life is good.

Spritesobright Wed 11-Sep-19 14:04:15

I started OLD in my 40s when my husband left and had an affair. It was terrifying and I couldn't imagine having sex with someone other than my ex.
But oh my god, am I glad I did. Dating men in their 40s is so much better than dating men in their 20s (which is when I last dated). They care about your pleasure, they are punctual, they tidy up, they cook... ok I'm overgeneralising. I did meet some crazies on Tinder before meeting current boyfriend, who is super lovely. I am having the best sex of my life right now.
So yes, no need to rush into a relationship at all but if you do decide to date, the situation is definitely not impossible.

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