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Would you date this man?

(127 Posts)
Bluetriangle9 Wed 11-Sep-19 07:53:50

Would you date this man - in my shoes?

Him:39 (almost 40). Self-employed on a moderate wage, very handsome, friendly. He has only two friends, one 1.5hrs away, one local. He's lived in the UK for 10yrs & he was married for 4yrs but had an affair & got divorced. The affair produced a child 5yo & they broke up within the first year. He maintains he has a good relationship with the ex gf & sees the child daily. He lives in a flatshare with 2 others that I can't ever visit, because 'it's not nice'. Has no hobbies or interests but enjoys a drink at the pub. He is very tactile & huggy & has made his liking for me crystal clear.

Me:49, menopausal, sigh, with a mum-bod to match. Moderately affluent divorcee (married 20yrs) with a large owned home. My dc grown up & left. I don't drink & dislike pubs.

I have some niggle that he saw my home with plenty of space & thought it'd be a great upgrade to his flatshare with plenty of space for his son. I look at him & think he could have a different girlfriend 10yrs younger than him, start life over, have more dc etc. We get along very well but I struggle to find what we have in common. I have a million hobbies/interests/friends. But I do like him - the bit I've seen so far. Trouble is, you only really know someone's truth until you've been with them. I don't want to be used.

So hit me with your worst, what do you think?

BaronessBomburst Wed 11-Sep-19 07:56:27

I'd shag him but he's not relationship material for me. Not at all.

Hadalifeonce Wed 11-Sep-19 07:59:17

I wouldn't get too involved, go out for dinner/film etc. Live your own life and see him occasionally. Certainly wouldn't have him staying at my place, if it gets that far maybe a hotel?

Enjoy it while it's fun, get rid as soon as you're not having a good time.

AnnaNimmity Wed 11-Sep-19 07:59:32

no, he lives in a flat share at 39 (which is apparently disgusting)

He cheated on his wife- once a cheat always a cheat

He only has 2 friends - big red flag

you already have doubts - - instincts are there to be listened to

you have nothing in common - why would you want to be wtih him?

MashedSpud Wed 11-Sep-19 08:00:21

He had an affair,

You can’t see where he lives because “It’s not nice” - meaning they live like pigs or he’s got a woman stashed there,

He wants to upgrade his accommodation by cocklodging off you,

You have nothing in common,

His only interest is drinking and pubs.

Nickki78 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:00:29

If you are having doubts, don’t go there.

Thereisasystem Wed 11-Sep-19 08:01:24

Mmm I wouldn't be keen. The lack of shared interests being the main reason but yes him eyeing up your house is definitely a worrying possibility.

NameChangeNugget Wed 11-Sep-19 08:01:37

Your instincts are screaming at you, quite rightly.

I think it’s clear he sees you as a meal ticket

slipperywhensparticus Wed 11-Sep-19 08:01:58

Nope your self esteem is too low you honestly think he is more attractive than you? Put it like this if I was offered a pushing forty bloke in a flat share with a five year old or a pushing fifty with own home and no kids I would go for the more mature option

leckford Wed 11-Sep-19 08:02:58

I wouldn’t

Aminuts23 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:03:47

I don’t think I’d carry on with this. I’m a cynical old trout. Why has he got no friends? Why can’t you go to his home? He had an affair. He’s no interests. I’d find someone who is more on your wavelength. I’m in a similar situation to you and I’m protective of my home and space. I worked hard for it and it’s mine. Don’t be with anyone whose intentions you don’t trust

Hederex Wed 11-Sep-19 08:05:46

No I don't think I would.

memaymamo Wed 11-Sep-19 08:06:05

Would not date!!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 11-Sep-19 08:06:56

Have you ever visited his flat share? I think it's fair enough to go somewhere a couple of times and think 'nah, I'll shag you in my own nice clean bed, ta' but to not even see where someone lives is a huge red flag. Seeing his daughter every day - bc he still actually lives at home??

VictoriaBun Wed 11-Sep-19 08:08:18

First question : Are you actually dating this man ?
2nd - If yes, how long and what do you do in regard of that - Meals out, go for walks,cinema, days away etc ?
I ask, because if it's just around yours for evenings in and sex, then he is more FWB . If you like this man, then yes why not date him ?
But I'd be wary, very wary, of him trying to get his feet under your table. No way for him parenting his child at yours for the weekend, also no to you being with him whilst he does ( not for months and months )
Yes he might see you as a good bet for a more comfortable life, but if you go into this with your eyes wide open, I'd assume you would be able to gauge his intention.

nrpmum Wed 11-Sep-19 08:15:46

Nope. Not even just for a shag. Red flags everywhere

SparklyMagpie Wed 11-Sep-19 08:19:53

Nope! Wouldn't even shag him

finn1020 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:22:03


KUGA Wed 11-Sep-19 08:27:29

Keep your distance he sounds like a charmer and user.

Actionhasmagic Wed 11-Sep-19 08:28:01

Trust your instinct.

Bluetriangle9 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:34:24

Thank you all. I've done a lot of personal work since my divorce (5yrs ago) and this man is testing my new 'is this healthy?' antenna. People put on a façade & it's getting past that to the real truth behind.

Orangeleavez Wed 11-Sep-19 08:38:26

Why are you asking? Seems a bit odd.
You've outlined why you're not and parts of your post insinuate you don't like him and he's not a catch.... So?!

misspiggy19 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:38:33

*He only has 2 friends - big red flag*

^I don’t think that is a big red flag at all

Idontwanttotalk Wed 11-Sep-19 08:43:57


He had an affair when married. Not trustworthy.

Age difference.

Difference in finances.

He probably sees you as a meal ticket.

SophieSong Wed 11-Sep-19 08:49:10

Did his attitude change towards you after he'd seen your home?

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