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My OH on 'hook up'/swinging site

(41 Posts)
windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 00:40:27

I've been with my OH for 6 years, we have a great life together with our family of three children (8 (he is a brilliant step dad to my eldest) 2 and 11mo) ... or so I thought.

Our third child has been quite difficult - a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic birth and a generally grumpy baby. I'm breastfeeding anf co sleeping and that has impacted our ability to do things as a couple such as date nights etc. On top of that I'm feeling pretty low about my body after three babies - I'm currently sat around 2 stone heavier than I would like to be and feel disgusting all the time.

On New Year's Eve my eldest was playing with my OHs phone (which is rare as it's normally tucked away) and he found some provocative videos on there (thankfully he didn't realise it was a lap dance). Already feeling pretty shit about my post partum body I was horrified and hurt that my OH was seeking out and saving these videos when I was recovering and caring for our children. He apologised, claimed it just happened to save after some sort of cookie from you tube and insisted 'he would never hurt me'. I didn't believe his story but we agreed to put it behind us.

A few months ago I found out he had a profile on - I saw the message he received after paying to be a site supporter - he insisted that he'd only just set it up, as a couple profile, just up see what it was like and then deleted the profile once he realised how weird it was. He wanted to prove to me that all he wanted was me and our family and would make his mistake up to me. Saying 'he would never hurt me'. I can't help that think the couple story is rubbish and he's set it up as a solo male for the sole purpose of no strings attached sex.

This proving it to me has in fact been no action on his part - we're back to 'normal'. Except for his new 6 digit password for his phone which came with a new software release apparently (I didn't even know the last one I saw the message on his smart watch).

We're still together. He's in the next room snoring while I'm holding our baby who is poorly tonight ... and I'm quietly getting engulfed in rage. I feel miserable a lot of the time. Family time is great - we always do brilliant stuff and have a great time. But in the quiet times I get so angry and I realise that I don't trust him at all.

I feel betrayed, hurt, rejected and most of all an idiot.
What would you do?

TowelNumber42 Wed 11-Sep-19 00:44:24

The phone lock tells you everything.

Sadiesnakes Wed 11-Sep-19 05:50:04

Two options.

Stay, try to rebuild back the trust, this can take up to five years, but that's only with a very cooperative and remorseful dp. You'll swing from anger to sadness to feeling ok for the foreseeable future.
He needs to loose the password, allow all access to his devices, total transparency and honesty. Understand what he's done and be genuinely sorry.
You need to work on your self esteem, get counseling, gym, hairdressers, nails, pamper yourself. Get out, part time job, hobby. Make time for yourself.
This choice is ultimately the hardest because it involves a lot of work on both sides and it may or may not work out after all that effort.

Separate. Very tough decision, dc involved, guilt, finances to divide, housing situation. This is hardest initially but after a year or so it will get easier. You won't have to always be wondering what's he up to on his phone in bathroom, who he's talking to, what's he watching. Etc.
Don't underestimate that freedom.

Either way he's ruined your relationship, for the foreseeable future and it's a very tough position to be left in.thanks

Margotsmom Wed 11-Sep-19 06:15:50

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Iv been there and I know how much it hurts! That site/him really caused me a lot of pain.

Are you able to get into his emails? Maby he’s logged in on another device? I’d probably try get into his emails and get his user name for the site and use the change password option to get into it and have a look around his messages and get cold hard proof that he’s been using the site. If he has I would start getting your ducks in a row to leave, he’s absolutely ruined your relationship and you will be waiting anxiously for the next time he does it and that’s no way to live sitting on the edge of your seat.

I mean I don’t know if that’s sane advice it’s just what I would do 🤷‍♀️

SandyGusset Wed 11-Sep-19 06:29:40

YouTube doesn't allow downloads - so the lap dance video was sourced from elsewhere.

The fab swingers site is a GIANT red flag that is exploding. Why would he pay to support it? There's no way he set it up as a couple profile, and come to mention it, how dare he even contemplate that without your knowledge.

He says he doesn't want to hurt you, but he's not living those words is he?

You're hurt and he's laying in a different room signing up to sex sites and downloading porn.

Also, the software update wouldn't have put a six digit code on. You choose the code in settings.
LIE 4.....

Ginmel Wed 11-Sep-19 06:36:05

You can use fab for free fairly well. He only paid because he was serious about using the site. There are a lot of married men on fab. Do you know for sure he's deleted his account?

category12 Wed 11-Sep-19 06:36:37

He paid to join fabswingers.

That's kinda all you need to know.

Ginmel Wed 11-Sep-19 06:37:30

And yes the 6 digit password because of a software release is utter rubbish

Nickki78 Wed 11-Sep-19 06:38:13

He deleted his account after paying - sounds odd. It free to sign up so paying to be a supporter means it was not just a quick look.
Have you looked for him on the site?
The phone lock is to prevent from seeing what he is upto

windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 06:41:56

@SandyGusset I know that these are all (or extremely likely to be) lies ... and I think that's part of what is making me so angry. He clearly thinks I'm an idiot!

windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 06:45:29

@Margotsmom ... its likely he's using it elsewhere, in the same strung of messages he also had a yahoo verification code which I'm assuming is a new 'secret' email. I've looked at his phone and it's squeaky clean (I mean everyone has some rubbish on there) and to me that's not proof he's not up to anything it just means he's better at hiding it. And these thoughts tell me how little I trust him.

windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 06:47:05

@Ginmel I know about the passcode ... I think he just sees me as an idiot willing to believe anything to keep the peace.

category12 Wed 11-Sep-19 06:47:30

Staying with someone you can't trust eats away at you and turns you into someone you don't want to be. Peace of mind is so much better.

Jennifer2r Wed 11-Sep-19 07:15:46

I hate to do this to you but. I use fabswingers and the only reason you would pay to support it is for the extra features - seeing who is online in your area, for example. Chances are high that he was after meeting up with someone.

Notallitseemstobe Wed 11-Sep-19 07:35:10

Yes, we've paid for the optional features, you don't actually need to.

Its a pain setting up a profile. But unlike IE or AM it's very cheap.

FlyingPenguine Wed 11-Sep-19 08:01:57

Sorry I'm pretty sure he didnt pay to be on the swinging site to have a look...its an easy way to meet people for sex. Most people will get bored quickly from chatting and want to meet for sex. He probably likes the benefits of being in a couple but has checked out romantically and sexually, my ex was like this hmm.

Imo it seems unlikely that hes going to stop using the site and become faithful, men I know who use the sites tend to be long term on them and continue even in relationships. It's up to you whether you want to try again but please dont loose all your confidence trying to compete with anonymous people on the internet wanting sex sad you deserve much better, I know how sad it is to have babies and children and get cheated on.

MashedSpud Wed 11-Sep-19 08:10:17

Sorry he’s a liar.

He needs to tell you his passcode. He’s either using incognito mode or new emails to carry out his deceitful crap.

BrightonRox Wed 11-Sep-19 09:51:48

A total liar and gaslighter, you have there.

Having a passcode is an option...not a software requirement to get into your phone.

cosmicbabe Wed 11-Sep-19 10:10:42

Passcode with software update is Bull. However you're actual problem here is trust and without that you don't have a relationship. Life is too short to waste. I would walk away and be happy xx

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Sep-19 10:15:07

He thinks you'll believe any old shit
Don't accept it

landgirl1 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:25:55

I’m three years on from finding my OH on a fetish hook up site , totally accident as he opened his laptop next to me to look at something on amazon and the window was open , he quickly shut it but too late

Within an hour I’d packed and left, he came back promising it was a mistake, just looking , please forgive him etc and like a fool I did but it’s ruined us, I don’t trust him as far as I can chuck him yet he is also my best friend. I’ve Completely gone off sex, it’s like I’m dead down there, we tried separating last year for 3 months and missed each other so much so had another go

And now he doesn’t know I’ve found some recently purchased fetish wear hidden in the back of his wardrobe , I’m too tired and worn down to have a fight, yet it’s extinguished what I had left

Social media has become the biggest destroyer of relationships

I know I should go

windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 10:37:04

@landgirl1 I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. My OH is/was my best friend too. Honestly our family life is amazing and never felt forced ... at least to me.
I'm just so confused - if it was a friend my advice would be very different to what I'm actually doing.

windyermummyup Wed 11-Sep-19 10:39:56

@BrightonRox @cosmicbabe - I know, he's given me his phone to look at but all I think is he's just got better at hiding it. Trust is the issue and its lack of it that's wearing me down completely. I don't want to control him (I've been there with an ex and he put me through hell) but at the same time I shouldn't have to worry about what he's up to all the time. Thanks for replying to my vent x

QueSera Wed 11-Sep-19 10:43:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. What a horrible situation for you. I wish I had some good advice, but I will leave it to other posters who are giving great advice.

The more I read about men, the more I wonder why any of us women are with the vast majority of them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 11-Sep-19 10:56:21

Venting is all well and good but the underlying issues do not go away.

Your "best friend" here is anything but and if anyone is still being controlled here its you, not him. He felt entitled to do this and no-one forced him to go onto such a site, he did that of his own free will.

He is not worthy of you at all and once trust has gone or otherwise damaged it is nigh on impossible to get back. I would make the break and tell him that your relationship with him is now over. What would your counsel be to a friend?. Indeed it would be a lot different to what you are doing currently.

Have a look at chumplady's website.

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