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How can I move on and not contact my ex?

(25 Posts)
adagiok5 Tue 10-Sep-19 23:23:28

I have recently split with my partner of three years. I called time on the relationship as he had been texting another woman he met whilst he was abroad. My original post was ' how do you define an affair ?' Just a brief recap . My partner had sent over 100 messages in one day to this woman claiming that he couldn't bear not to talk to her and wanted to video chat with her when I was out. I found the messages on his phone and decided enough was enough and left him . He didn't protest about me going too much .

The woman in question lives a long distance away from my partner. Just after I left him he sent me a message which I am sure was meant for her telling me he had booked a flight in October . I messaged back asking if it was to see her? He then rang me and said he thought he would do the correct thing in letting me know he was going to see her. (No surprise on my part) but even so upsetting.

The stupid thing is I know I have done the right thing in letting him go but I so want to contact him. I look at my whatsapp and can see he is online and pray for him to contact me. Its as much as I can do to stop myself messaging.

Has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you cope? I loved him so much and I am totally bereft .

Expo Tue 10-Sep-19 23:38:41

You poor thing. The end of a relationship can be awful. So simply think this. Why do I want to contact him? And why do you want him to contact you? He wants to be with someone else so let him go. Turn around and move on. What on earth can you say and what do you want him to say to make you feel better? It will only make you feel worse.

Phone a friend or family member. Engage with other people who truly love you and want the best for you. He doesn’t.

adagiok5 Wed 11-Sep-19 00:05:12

Thank you Expo. I do have many lovely friends. I know I have to move on and I am being so irrational. I suppose I think he may change his mind and want me back. But I know it could never be the same. The problem is we were so happy before this happened.

Expo Wed 11-Sep-19 00:08:19

Noooo you don’t want him to want you back. You would spend your time waiting for him to do it again. Find somebody who really loves and respects you. He doesn’t.

Sunflower20 Wed 11-Sep-19 00:29:41

What was he doing abroad!? As sad as it is, you just need to let time do its thing.I

Wavescrashingonthebeach Wed 11-Sep-19 00:34:15

Delete his number so you cant see his whatsapp pic. You will just torture yourself otherwise.
If at all possible delete any potential ways to contact him. I.e. social media, if you have any of his friends or family members numbers.
Hope u get over him quick.
In a years time you will bump into him, you looking fab, him kicking himself for losing you but by then u wont care about him and you will have a nice moment thinking how far you have come.
YOU WILL HEAL xx

user764329056 Wed 11-Sep-19 00:39:24

The only way I could salvage anything from a devastating betrayal (partner and best friend having affair) was to never contact either of them again, to have done so would have I’m sure given them some kind of twisted satisfaction to know I was suffering

BrightonRox Wed 11-Sep-19 10:41:02

You need to block him on every form of social media. Unless you need his number to sort ongoing financial stuff etc, then I'd delete him from your phone too. Constantly checking on Whatsapp to look at his 'last seen' is just going to carry on torturing you. Delete him. He's not going to come back or contact you as his loyalty is now to the OW.

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. flowers

BrightonRox Wed 11-Sep-19 10:44:45

The only way I could salvage anything from a devastating betrayal (partner and best friend having affair) was to never contact either of them again, to have done so would have I’m sure given them some kind of twisted satisfaction to know I was suffering

I don't agree with this. I blocked my ex after we split and heard from mutual friends that despite the fact he cheated on me, he hated the fact I more or less ghosted him in return. Not giving them any further attention doesn't send the message you are weak or suffering, I think it signals they are not worth another moment's thought in your life.

Robin2323 Wed 11-Sep-19 11:27:21

I think you both agreed to the same thing.

Robin2323 Wed 11-Sep-19 11:31:11

Op I think if you're we're both really happy he may realise the grass isn't greener.

But in the mean time the fact that he has done this shows a total lack of respect.

You need to the 180
You can google it.
But it means you act in a way with self respect- no begging, crying and guilting.

milliefiori Wed 11-Sep-19 11:35:35

One thing that might help is focusing not on what you've lost but what you've gained.
What did he hate to eat that you can now eat? Enjoy it.
What music do you love that he hated? Play it loud.
Same with TV shows. Watch them.
Same with hobbies. Spend time on them.
Same with friends. Spend time with them.

Get yourself back. If you find yourself craving his attention, just do a bit of self-analysis. Ask why you want to be in touch with a cheat who had low regard for you. The person you thought you loved was of your making. The real man was creepy and underhand. Take the mickey out of yourself a bit. 'Oh, I do love to have a nice dodgy, creepy man on my arm, sneakily texting other women. A man like that makes me feel so good about myself. They're such an asset in my life.'

You'll get over him. I had my heart broken in my twenties by a creep. It took me ages to get over him, especially as all our 'friends' sneaked off to his secret rushed marriage to the foreign woman he'd fallen for. I spent a long time on my own. But it was all well spent. I met DH who I adore and have been with for 25 years. We have two lovely DC. His marriage is long dead and when i've bumped into him a couple of times I've just thought what a creepy, narcissistic, mediocre lump. Whatever did I see in him?

Nonmerci Wed 11-Sep-19 11:52:20

Block him on all levels so whatsapp, his phone number, any social media and even email if you can. Close off all available contact avenues, that is the first step.

Whenever you feel like contacting him, contact someone else instead or think of what you were about to type to him and type it out in the note section of your phone instead.

SandyY2K Wed 11-Sep-19 16:15:19

I think the message he sent you mistakenly or not, should be 100% confirmation (if you needed it) that you did the right thing.

His heart was elsewhere.. why settle for that.

litterbird Wed 11-Sep-19 16:31:59

I am so sorry for you. I have been in a similar position and when he left 5 years ago I never contacted him. It was hell but I realised he was going through the infatuation stage with the new woman, as your ex is going through now. Nothing you say or do will turn his head towards you now. You have to be brave and strong and block everything. My ex, after a year apart then realised what he did and realised the grass wasn't greener, it was too late, I had gone. Please seek support from everyone and anyone....its going to sting for a good while, but you will get through this....I promise you that.

adagiok5 Wed 11-Sep-19 19:48:39

I would like to thank everyone for the advice they have given me. This has really helped me .

This has been such a difficult time for me . In such a short space of time my whole world has been turned upside down .

My ex didn’t know the the OW until he went abroad and met her on a big sporting event they were both involved with at the end of July . They were together 24/7.

When he returned home mid August I had concerns about the OW as he was always talking about her but he insisted they were only friends. A couple of days after he arrived back I found over 100 texts on his phone to her saying that they couldn’t be without each other. He had planned a video chat with her when he knew I was out because he told her ‘he had to see her beautiful smile ‘. I told him I was leaving which I did a week later.

We had been together three years and had lived together for a year. Up until this point we had been so happy. This is why I find it so hard to come to terms with this. And the fact he just let me go and simply said ‘ see you around take care ‘

Expo Wed 11-Sep-19 22:09:23

There really is nothing you can do except keep your dignity intact. You will kick yourself if you contact him. Write here instead. We are here to help. Do not contact him. You will feel like shite and you will make him feel like he always has you as a backup. You are nobody’s back up girl.

adagiok5 Wed 11-Sep-19 23:21:57

Thank you Expo

Expo Wed 11-Sep-19 23:34:02

You have done 24 hours. That is already amazing. Now keep it going! Remember it is not right. I used to think that every man is for me and if we didn’t work our then it was my fault and I could win them back if only....

Not every man is for you. Fact. But there will be some men who are. So turn your back and start your search for those men. Please. Don’t waste time on someone who is not for you. Not your fault. They are just not for you. Is the advice I will give my DD

Wavescrashingonthebeach Thu 12-Sep-19 00:48:36

Write here instead. We are here to help.

This. x100,000. We are all strangers to you we dont know you, but in a strange altruistic human way we really really care bucketloads and dont want to see another human in pain. Dont contact him. Post here. Even if you have to name change to avoid the 'we told you so' posts. Whatever works for you. Just know that there are people here that have lived through, empathise with, and support your pain more than this waste of space will ever comprehend.

Expo Thu 12-Sep-19 00:53:34

@wavescrashingonthebeach

You are so right. Maybe it’s because some of us have been there and know how it works out and kick ourselves that we couldn’t be strong and spent a shit load of wasted time playing the ‘pick me game’. So we are sending you our experience and lost hours and advising that if you contact him you lose more hours. It’s hurts but turn your back and you will curtail those lost hours. It won’t work out. And even if it does and he wants you back - it will never be the same. flowers

Wavescrashingonthebeach Thu 12-Sep-19 01:01:25

@expo

I have unfortunately been there myself on several occasions. One was a guy i had only been with a few months, and he basically ghosted me at NYE. I sent him a long rambling msg which my brother told me off for. I spent the next 6 several months obsessively watching his public social media accounts. Eventually i got over him, & at an event several years down the line i seen him & blanked him.
The other guy didnt ghost me, it just didnt work, but i would always end up keep contacting him. With whatsapp there is a list of your blocked contacts so his number was always still there - ARGH - so id always relent & get it off that.
Got over him eventually too, and was proud as punch when he passed me the other week & i gave him a nonchalant greeting in passing.
Hopefully i am older & wiser now & have learnt the hard way & i really just want to help other people not suffer as long as i did.

Expo Thu 12-Sep-19 02:10:47

@Wavescrashingonthebeach completely agree with you star

adagiok5 Thu 12-Sep-19 09:42:26

Thank you again everyone your comments have helped me so much during this very unsettling time. Whenever I get the urge to send my ex a message I go through your comments again and they bring me back to reality

TakingOneForTheTeam Thu 12-Sep-19 16:23:44

Op, I could have written this myself. The details are slightly different, but another person in another country compromised my relationship. Currently dealing with the "I'm so sorry, I can't explain it, it was so confusing, please forgive me, it will never happen again" spiel, but I honestly don't know what to do for the best. It's put me in an awful position and I don't know how to handle it. I hope you're doing well OP, I'm sure we will both make the right decisions regarding our situations.

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