An open letter to myself

[Soozeesheep]

How did we get here hey?

You were adamant you would never end up marrying anyone like your Dad, sure that you'd picked someone different. He was so gentle in comparison: accommodating, thoughtful considerate, safe.

He was well liked by your social circle; people told you you'd got a good one. People said how well matched you were; it was accepted, by everyone, all so happy for you both.

He seemed the type to work at things, the type who cared, who would always treat you with courtesy, loyalty and respect. He seemed to have goals, plans for the future; love for you. He made so much effort.

Somewhere between moving in together and having your first baby, things began to change didn't they. He became so complacent, stubborn, stuck-in-a-rut, selfish. You felt nothing more than his home-help; an appliance, a carrier of children. Mum to everyone. Worrier of everything whilst he ambled through life seemingly caring very little about anything you wanted or needed. Expecting you to burden the load of the home, of the children, of the money, of the time.

Your friendships faded whilst his flourished. Your hobbies went rusty, whilst he nurtured his. Your passport expired in the drawer, his gained more stamps.

You became hate-filled, nasty, sarcastic. You loathed yourself for the way you felt towards him and the way you snapped at him all the time. The truth was you felt trapped and alone.

You started to challenge him and question his behaviour. This got his back up. Then by doing more for yourself and in turn a rage in him surfaced, a spoilt, selfish rage. The sulking dragged out for days; the air thick with disapproving glances, one word responses and avoidance.

You carried on pushing though: date nights, talk nights, counselling, sofa nights, film nights.

You had to make it work. He could change. You could help him.

But he just had please-himself-nights.

Then came the seperate rooms, the arguing stopped, all was quiet and cold; bitter in the end. He seemed to care less but refused to give in, refused to end the torment. Waiting for you to save the day by agreeing to his every wish and whim.

And here you are, not saving anything as you too have given up. You have decided to save yourself instead. And I am so pleased that you finally have, but you're grieving. For every missed cuddle and kiss and pleasant evening, for every date night and summer evening not sat together on the patio. For every miserable, lonely bedtime that could have been different. For every holiday that won't be had, for the pain your children will eventually feel when it's all over. And he lies in the next room, oblivious to what is to come, because he don't think you'll leave.

You said you would never get to this, that your children would never have to go through what you did. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry he let you down. I'm sorry he wasn't who you thought he was.

We can do it though, can't we? We can get out in one piece?

[Hecateh]

my biography - 44 years ago

I got out in one piece

[Rainandspirit]

Omg just what I needed to hear at this point. As sad as that is Thank you xxxxx

[FMFL]

This was me two years ago. I’m working on getting my pieces back together and it’s happening, slowly but surely.

[FuriousVexation]

You write very powerfully, OP.

I would hope that you consider channeling that power of words not just into your own recovery but into other victims' as well.

You CAN help others - by reaching out to them with words. You CAN try to change the world - with words. Isn't that how all political upheaval starts?

Words matter. I know that there are people alive and walking this earth today who probably wouldn't be if they hadn't been able to talk to us and to accept our support.

I used to write a lot of letters to myself. Since cutting toxic people out of my life it's been a lot less.

[Soozeesheep]

Thank you for reading.
This had been really powerful for me to write it here on MN, more powerful than in my private journal for some reason.

I'll post more.

I'm glad it's helped @rainandspirit.

I would love to use my words to help others @FuriousVexation. It's knowing where to write I guess.

[pudding21]

You can, and you will. But it will take time.

I am 2 1/2 years out ending a 21 year relatiosnhip with kids, it wasn't on my life plan for it to be like this but it deteriorated to the point of no return and was indeed the right thing to do.

Its taken a massive toll on my health though and only just starting the healing process that way. Emotionally I am much better, in a relationship with a man who is the total opposite of my ex but is amazing.

Be kind to yourself, don't just focus on the kids, make sure you treat yourself with kindness, exercise, eat well, have therapy, journal, meditate, and move on. Don't lament on the past, its done, it has taught you something valuable, it will lead you to a place of happiness again. Trust the journey, hold your head up high, you are NOT a failure.

[user1479305498]

Wow, excellent OP , these things sort of creep up, it’s rare that you go from a fun loving home to an anxious one overnight.

[JealousOrFair]

Made me cry OP. Wish you all the best

[Cath2907]

I left mine last October. Best decision in years!

[swissmilk]

I left mine too! Hallelujah! Life isn't perfect, but I am so glad to be back in the world of the living.

[Simonfromharlow]

This is beautifully written and I relate to it a lot! I'm going through a very similar sounding situation. It's so hard. You will get through it because you have to! You can do it.