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Help! Retrieving messages after affair!

(37 Posts)
MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 08:20:16

This is my first post on Mumsnet so please bare with me!
Any help would be gratefully appreciated.
Basically I’ve found out that my husband has been having an affair – I found incriminating messages on his iphone on Whatsapp. We’ve been talking a lot about this during this past week and he’s very remorseful etc etc etc, and wants another chance to prove himself to me. We have 4 DCs so I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet.
One thing I do know is that before I make a decision I want to see the messages between them (I’d only read a hand-full when I initially found out). The problem is that when I asked for his phone he happily gave it to me and told me he’d deleted all contact details, photos, messages – everything – in order to prove to me that he wants to put it firmly in the past and to move on with me!
I’m really annoyed at this as I tend to be a person that likes all the facts before I make a decision. angry
Having had a quick look last night (and I’m not tech-savvy at all!), his phone doesn’t appear to have an itunes account associated with it and even though it does have icloud, I can’t make head nor tail of it! confused
I’ve looked online and seen that you can sometimes purchase programmes to retrieve deleted whatsapp messages but there are loads of different ones out there. I think that this would probably be the easiest option for me but am unsure which one to use.
So basically my question is, does anyone on here have any experience using such programmes and which would be the best one? or does anyone have any other ideas how I could retrieve the messages?
Thanks.

TheQueef Tue 10-Sep-19 08:22:41

Don't you believe his version of messages? Why do you need to see them, are you in doubt?

KRAmum Tue 10-Sep-19 08:27:43

If the message are on WhatsApp, you may be able to restore the backed up data. That will restore messages and photos from when the app was last backed up. Its all in the settings.

With regards to iCloud, you need his log in details and you can sign in from any device and all photos and messages will be on there too. I think. Im android, so my knowledge is limited.

Sorry you're going through this. Hope this helps x

Chloemol Tue 10-Sep-19 08:31:38

I don’t see what reading any messages would do to help. He has deleted them all and contact details. That must say something ( even though he has been bad in having an affair) and he wants to at least try to work on your relationship

You have found out, now you need to move forward. Do you want him to stay? If so then you need to work on that. . If you don’t then you need to sort out him leaving, even if it’s just for a while to give you space. Reading his messages isn’t gong to help you make that decision

KOKOtiltomorrow Tue 10-Sep-19 08:36:06

I can understand why you feel the need to do it but would caution against it if you want to stay in the marriage. You can’t unsee them after and they will torment you forever. No explanation from him will make it better. Even if you did read messages, you can’t know what he said to her face to face and you will never get the full facts to help you make a decision. I know cos I’ve been there and it’s shit.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours Tue 10-Sep-19 08:37:01

Presumably he is still minimising the affair which is the whole reason he had deleted all the messages,

now he is claiming it as a fling, just sex, she seduced me, whereas their messages would reveal an entirely different story

I think if you delete Whatsapp and then reinstall, if he had it set to back up all messages then everything will reappear, so that might be worth a try if you really need to see the messages.

Personally I would not believe a single word he said from here on in.

SophieSong Tue 10-Sep-19 08:40:15

Remorseful is he? Not remorseful enough to be honest and transparent about what really went on. Deleting messages and photos just shows he is still deceiving you and not being honest.

He wants to shape the narrative of what happened rather than let you see it for yourself and make an informed decision. For me, that alone would be enough to not give him another chance.

Rainandspirit Tue 10-Sep-19 08:55:48

i am going through this at the minute. When i 1st found out he was having an affair i asked him straight out to tell me everything. i wanted to know it all. And that if i found out anything in time then there was no coming back from that. So he told me what he wanted to tell me. Fast forward 3 months and more has come out. Its like been hit all over again only this time i am more angry then upset and i know that there is more but he will not tell me so my marriage is over. My kids are devastated and i am not in a good place. Its the lies and not been able to tell the truth because now i will never be able to trust him.
I am very much like you. I want all the facts so that i can work through them sort them into little boxes and move on.
best of luck

Alfiemoon1 Tue 10-Sep-19 09:00:42

I think If you uninstall WhatsApp and reinstall it then you may be able to see deleted messages

Like someone else has said once seen you can’t un see it

OrchidInTheSun Tue 10-Sep-19 09:09:14

He hasn't deleted them because he's terribly remorseful, he's deleted them because he doesn't want you to read them. I don't think you can move on unless there's complete honesty from him and he's not doing that

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:28:59

shock WOW! Just come back from the school run and didn’t really expect all the replies!
Thank you everyone.

Felyne Tue 10-Sep-19 09:35:57

You don't need to make a decision about the future of your relationship right now. If you decide to see how things go and then in six weeks think, 'you know what? I can't do this any more' it's still ok to end it then. It's up to you, what and when you decide to do with your life. All the best x

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:36:00

@TheQueef
The problem is I really don’t know what to believe anymore….I do trust his version of the story because he definitely hasn’t tried to sugarcoat anything but I’m worried that there’s more to it IYSWIM?
In our situation, due to the nature of his job, it was easy for him to ‘lie by omission’ i.e. “I’ve got a meeting at 2 tomorrow and one at 6.30 so I won’t be home until 9ish”……and although he did actually have meetings, I assumed he was working in between but he was actually meeting up with the OW.
He’d meet her lunch times aswell but never had to lie about where he was because I never asked as I assumed he was eating lunch at work!
I don’t think he ever had to lie outright to my face but I can’t forget that he’s deceived me and therefore want proof that he’s telling the truth now…..if that makes any sense at all! confused

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Tue 10-Sep-19 09:36:21

1)He deleted them all because what was in them was so incriminating you would end your marriage for sure.

2)You know this, which is why you won’t take his word for it about what was on them.

Both of these facts mean your marriage is over. There is no trust, nor should there be, as he is still lying and covering his tracks.

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:37:48

@KRAmum Thanks I’ll give it a go

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:44:08

@Chloemol
Yes I can totally see what you’re saying about him trying and he is really trying at the mo but I don’t know whether that will be enough. I don’t know at the moment whether I want him to stay or not but I know I have to make a decision before I can move on sad
Thank you

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:47:33

@KOKOtiltomorrow
I understand what you’re saying, it makes perfect sense and I know that once I see I won’t be able to unsee and this might hamper me from moving on with him sad It also kills me to know that I’ll never know what they said face to face and over the phone and you’re right, it is shit.
flowers

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 09:56:43

@Rainandspirit
So sorry you’re going through this and I really hope that you find yourself in a better place soon flowers
You sound so much like me – wanting to be able to work through the facts and sort them all out into little boxes! I wish life were that simple.
Take care x

MakeMineALargeDouble Tue 10-Sep-19 10:05:31

I don’t think he’s minimising things as I’ve had loads of awful details but some of you are right in saying that as he’s decieved me already that the messages could possibly give me a different story to the one he’s given me.
I can totally appreciate what some of you are saying that the trust is gone sad

Thanks for the replies everyone. I suppose that I now have a decision to make.
I think I’m going to go with your advice for now @Felyne and see how things go as I have so many things going around in my head right now that I can’t think straight!

user1481840227 Tue 10-Sep-19 10:06:32

@Chloemol

I don’t see what reading any messages would do to help. He has deleted them all and contact details. That must say something ( even though he has been bad in having an affair) and he wants to at least try to work on your relationship

Deleting messages might say the exact opposite too, that they are far worse than the OP thinks and he doesn't want to be found out. I certainly wouldn't take it as a good sign or a positive.

Bujinkhal Tue 10-Sep-19 10:07:32

I believe Dr.fone is very good, I've not had need to use it personally but I know a lot of people have success with it.

Sicario Tue 10-Sep-19 10:10:58

Please be careful. Bear in mind the old adage - if you go looking for trouble you're bound to find it.

You have 4 children. Your husband has been having an affair. That's an awful situation to find yourself in.

A lot of married couples manage to get past it and move on (e.g. the Beckhams and his many affairs).

Or you decide to divorce him for being adulterous.

This is a decision only you can make and will take work from both of you. Have you thought about getting an urgent appointment with Relate?

fallacy Tue 10-Sep-19 10:19:31

I would also want to read everything but I think it would be so painful. Like others have said you can't then unsee it.

Sleepyhead19 Tue 10-Sep-19 10:23:00

Having been in this situation, I fully understand why you want to see them. He has already ruined your trust in him. You want reassurance there is nothing more to the story that he hasn't told you.
I know you probably want to try and move on with him and rebuild the relationship but if you have doubts, they will niggle at you forever.
I suspected my ex husband wasn't telling the whole story and I was right. It was beyond anything I could've imagined and with different women. Had I stayed with him, I'd have probably gone through it all over again.
If you truly trusted what he was telling you, you wouldn't want to see those messages. If he had nothing to hide, he probably wouldn't have deleted them.

dottiedodah Tue 10-Sep-19 10:28:31

Whether you see his messages or not .The trust has gone ,and only you know how you feel.Its very early days and it will take time to rebuild .Maybe an appointment with a Marriage Counsellor would help?. If you feel up to it even in 6 months time?.With 4 children to consider, it will be difficult to be a single parent but many women do it .

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