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Is this as big a deal as I think it is?

(39 Posts)
RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 08:33:57

My husband says not and is reflecting on to me, which he has a habit of doing. I’m starting to think he is a gaslighting narcissist but then he would say I’m doing the same to him.
Before I start I have to say he has form for similar behaviours. I find him selfish, he says I’m unfair and inflexible.

So the situation is that we have two children. One in nursery and one in school.

He does the nursery pick up 3 days a week and one school pick up. The nursery pickup is a bit of a pain and involves a drive, the school run is a short walk. The reason he does the nursery run more often is because he can get the train to/from work from nearby and has more frequent trains. I have a long walk the other end if I use that particular station and there are fewer trains on my route.
My husband can comfortably finish work at his usual time and get back with plenty of time to collect from nursery and then drive to the school and collect from there if I’m not around ( most days I am and do the school pick up). For me to collect both children I really need to prearrange leaving work early. I can’t drop everything and go early when I fancy ( he can).

Anyway earlier this week he text me ( text not called) 30 minutes before I finished work to ask if I could get both kids so he could go out. I said no as he knew it would be very difficult for me to collect both children in time due to the distance between nursery and school. It would be very stressful with no room for any train delays etc ( common!). There would be a very real chance that I wouldn’t make it to the school before the wraparound club finished.

My husband knows this! He knows I can’t leave early to accommodate him. Despite me reminding him of all of this he keeps coming back asking me to “be flexible” and then started trying to guilt trip me by saying an ex colleague was in a bad way and “needed” him. This was a particular slap in the face to me,as the reason he cited for wanting to be there for this guy was something my husband did not support me through when it happened to me!

Anyway this is longer than I anticipated sorry! Upshot is despite me saying no he went out and I had to rush to get both kids. I made it just in the nick of time. I’m furious with him but he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. Says he expects to be afforded the same flexibility he affords the rest of us. I often ask him to rearrange things to accommodate work things I have on, or things the kids have on. Always with notice never last minute.

To add that he goes out a lot so it’s not that it was a rare opportunity for him. I don’t even believe it was really about supporting a friend ( he hasn’t seen the guy in months if not longer and is not really a friend) but more about his desire to get drunk.

Shoxfordian Sun 08-Sep-19 08:42:58

If you ask him to rearrange plans often then you should be flexible if he wants to go for a drink after work occasionally.

namechanging2019 Sun 08-Sep-19 08:43:08

I'm sorry but I can't see why you're with him at all. I know that's not what you asked but you've just described a man abandoning your young children to get drunk. Yes it's a big deal.

Shoxfordian Sun 08-Sep-19 08:45:41

He's hardly abandoning the children by asking their mother to collect them

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 08:48:59

Shoxfordian did you read the whole post? He frequently goes out. Minimum of once every week. He has two days a week when he doesn’t have to do nursery pick up and can go out . On the 3 days he does it he needs to prearrange it with me. Which I always do with him if I ask him to accommodate a change in schedule. And it’s never a last minute oh I fancy getting drunk.

BeUpStanding Sun 08-Sep-19 08:55:56

Sounds like he didn't ask you to pick up the DC, he told you to.

BeUpStanding Sun 08-Sep-19 08:56:51

Oh and incase it wasn't clear, yes I agree with you. It is a big deal

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 09:03:36

Yes exactly. Whilst knowing full well there was a high chance I’d not make it to the school in time.

He has form for “asking” if he can do things last minute and then just doing it anyway if I object. But it’s usually on days I am already at home and so it’s just a bit annoying rather than leaving me in a crap situation.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 08-Sep-19 09:05:02

Leave him and have it court ordered when he needs to collect his children. Problem solved.

Seriously though he does sound very selfish and also controlling.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Sep-19 09:07:25

Why are you and he together at all now?. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

GetUpAgain Sun 08-Sep-19 09:08:13

He sounds awful. Are you planning on staying together? It doesn't sound like you like each other.

For the short term I suggest you don't answer your phone to him on days he is picking up. If he can't reach you he can't change the arrangements wink

Quartz2208 Sun 08-Sep-19 09:10:30

Yes why are you still with him he was happy for his children to be late picked up

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 09:13:37

No I don’t like him at all these days. He complains I’m not affectionate to him and so why would he want to come home. He refuses to see that behaviour like that ie stated above has killed my affection for him.
He maintains that his behaviour ( when he actually admits to it) is caused by me and my lack of interest in him. When in reality my lack of interest is a result of him being a selfish dick.

He doesn’t call me he texts - a coward too! If I didn’t reply he would probably just go out anyway. Then there would be explanations as to why he reasonably thought I’d got the message and was happy to do it. He’d likely even barefaced lie and claim to have had a reply despite no evidence to back him up.

C0untDucku1a Sun 08-Sep-19 09:17:17

Whats keeping you in the marriage?

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 09:22:37

Fear of going it alone. And the fact he so frequently acts like he has perfectly reasonable explanations for things that make me doubt myself. I’m fiery and explosive and he is always calm. So it appears I’m being hysterical and ridiculous over nothing.
When I’m angry at him he frequently asks me who has upset me that day. Because obviously I’m taking it out on him and it can’t possibly be him I’m really angry at.

Sedlescombe Sun 08-Sep-19 09:22:51

30 minutes notice is ridiculous.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 08-Sep-19 09:26:21

He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. Undermining your feelings and insisting that everything else is the problem, not him. He sounds like a catch!

BlueHawaii Sun 08-Sep-19 09:38:57

Very similar situation here! On pick ups, and on the general behaviour...I too am currently staying for fear of going it alone so I totally sympathise. You end up feeling a kind of despair don't you. Hoping you can find a solution.

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 09:57:09

Yes exactly. I get really angry and resolve to end it. But he always manages to make me feel I’m being dramatic and screwing up our kids lives over a silly hissy fit.

Weenurse Sun 08-Sep-19 10:10:30

Men like this have a sense of entitlement. He works hard so he is entitled to go out when he wants.
He does not consider the knock on effect to you and the family.
Do you think counseling would help or is the relationship too far gone?

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 10:13:02

We tried it before. His behaviour improved but has slipped back. In any case he managed to get the counsellor to believe that it was all to do with his industry and how for the sake of his career it was imperative that he socialised etc.

Eckhart Sun 08-Sep-19 10:17:11

He sounds irresponsible and thoughtless, OP. With his own children, and with your time and emotions. It's him, not you.

Eckhart Sun 08-Sep-19 10:18:12

Imperative that he socialise?? It's imperative that he picks up the kids when he says he will!

Herocomplex Sun 08-Sep-19 10:32:49

God it sounds exhausting. Does he do stuff with the kids, participate in family life?

RealhousewifeofEngland Sun 08-Sep-19 10:37:16

He picks and chooses. He doesn’t do any of the work ( laundry, school admin, kids social lives, etc) but will try and play Disney dad when we are arguing. Buying gifts or sweets etc

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