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When does this get better?

(35 Posts)
annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 09:57:03

Hi all , have been lurking around here for a while now, and thought it was about time i told my (too familiar!)story.
In April i found emails and ecards from my hubby of 14 years to another woman. He later moved out that day (his choice). He was insistant that he wasnt having an affair - he had met her through the pc and had had lunch with her once (she lives 3 hrs away). I later found out that he was having a very intense email/text relationship with her. The long shot is that he is now home and really doing all he can to put it right. Although we had a few weeks when he said he wasnt in contact with her, but he was. I think the last time he spoke to her was middle of may. Iam still finding it so hard to get over this.
I have read many of your stories, and i know that many of you have overcome affairs and betrayal, and you are an inspiration. i would appreciate any help or tips

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 10:14:35

Difficult one this and my heart goes out to you [hug]. What is situation re kids? I only ask because similar thing happened to me when we were having our kids. My DH had a "relationship" (he swears he didn't sleep with her ) with a woman he worked with for over two years. He even moved jobs to another part of the country and took her to work in the new company with him leaving me and kids at home. We had been married 12 years before we had a family; no difficulties conceiving, just married v. young and weren't ready. I think with hindsight (it was 14 - 16 years ago) he just found me so difficult to deal with - pregnancy hormones, totally engrossed with being pg and with new babies as they came along (3 in under 4 years) that he felt left out and it all started by needing someone to talk to. Problem was for me that it mattered non too much whether or not he was having an actual affair. The fact that he wanted to be in her company more than with me and kids hurt just as much (possibly even more than a "quick fling"). All I can say is that we found a way through (just) but our relationship has never been the same and is now very much based on commitment to kids rather than on any deep love or trust of one another Don't know if it will stand kids flying the nest. Probably not.

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 10:19:03

Thanks for your reply, and iam sorry to hear that you have been in a similar situation. Our kids are 14 and 10, had our DD when we were very young.
The hurtfull thing for me is that in September of last year i was diagnoised with depression.My gp and i worked out a treatment plan, which included counselling, ads, diet and exercise. I was really starting to make progress and then this happens! I feel when i needed him he wasnt there.

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 10:41:58

Depression is always a difficult one. Both DH and I have suffered from it and so have seen it from both sides. It can be almost as difficult to deal with living with someone with as it can be having it yourself. I guess my answer would be that only you can say whether or not you want to really work at your relationship ie whether or not what you had before is something really worth fighting for. I would suggest counselling together (my DH wouldn't go and I do really feel that it might have helped - left me with the feeling that he just didn't care enough about us). The important thing I think is to try not to blame (difficult one I know) and possibly look at it as his inability to cope with your depression rather than not wanting to?
You are so lucky with your GP mine is of the old-fashioned "stiff upper lip" kind and won't prescribe ADs Says that once a mental illness goes down on your notes you'll have difficulties with employment - "Go away and pull yourself together woman!" Wouldn't even crack when DH lost his job, went bankrupt and I was coping with 81 year old mum with cancer! Just got repeatedly angry with me 'cos I refused to go into hospital for gall bladder op I needed as felt couldn't leave mum and I was only one earning any money and hadn't been in job long enough to feel safe about taking extended sick leave. Swine . So I'm hooked on fags (wish I could give up) and DH hooked on alcohol (which puts him in foul and violent mood often )

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 10:52:24

You see logically i understand and totally accept that. There were 3 occassions when i really thought i would kill myself. When hubby left i said that i couldnt believe that he would leave me and the kids, and he said thats exactly what i wanted to do when i said i wanted to kill myself. When i talked this through with my counseller, she explained to me that he had taken it personally. So i see the logic ........but i hurt so much.
We are both going to the counsellor in sept - we cant go before, we run our own business and there is a major problem at the moment (something else we could do without!) and i know if Dh went now he wouldnt give it his full attention.
I also have an overwhelming urge to text the OW, not nasty but just to check the details. I know that might not bring me any peace, but still feel the need to do it?

I think you need to look at getting a new Gp - mine was fantastic. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 11:28:56

Totally understand how you feel but would urge not texting OW if you can possibly help it. Not likely to make situation any better and might make it worse. It's good that your DH is going to counselling with you and try to hang on until September. Understand too about running your own business. We set up our own last year as DH couldn't find another job (problems with age and experience) and it is still tough going. Try and immerse yourself in the practicalities of immediate problems there and put possible infidelity to back of your mind in the meantime (Easier said than done I know, I know ). Really feel for you and hope you make it through this. [more hugs]
Have thought about trying to change GP but mine says that there are some things in my notes which show what an awkward person I am! Worried that it therefore wouldn't make any difference. ( I once refused to call a taxi from hospital 'cos I couldn't afford it - hopital 35 miles away - and coudn't raise DH who had been sent home having been told that I was to be kept in overnight then they decided they didn't have a bed for me. Sat in waitng room until I felt morphine had worn off then walked to train station to catch early morning train. They claimed I had been rude to staff - can't honestly remember being rude -morphine? Just remember feeling really anxious about not spending too much money and not waking DH who had been up half the night and had a job interview the following morning)

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 11:38:29

Thank you for your time. I know that contacting her might not make me feel any better, but i do feel that its something i need to get out of my system, If that makes sense. Its awful to say, but iam not 100% sure that DH is truthfull, as in how often they met and when the texting etc started, and i know it really doesnt make much difference but i feel a need to know?!

Your Gp sounds priceless, and iam sorry that you have to go through all that - its not right.

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 11:44:14

Good Grief! Just seen that on screen Sorry to bang on about self!

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 12:00:23

Feel free to bang on!!! We are all here to help each other. smile

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 12:07:04

Understand totally the overwhelming "need to know" - truly but: (1) if she agrees with DH on details next question in your mind will be "are they still in touch and comparing stories?" (2)if she confirms your worst fears you will not know (a) whether *she * is lying to you, maybe she wants your DH and would do anything to get him for herself? or (b) you will have to face the fact of his still lying to you alone, without support and you will feel very humiliated in front of her which won't do anything for your self-esteem (already very low due to depression?) which won't help much either. Could you bear to leave it until just before counselling perhaps? Then you could confront DH about it in "safe and supportive" environment. Can you get away yourself for a few days? Stay with a good friend/relative perhaps? I think you need some space at the moment to grieve for the demise of the relationship you once had and take stock calmly of what routes forward there may or may not be. Really feeling for you.

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 12:14:52

I think thats the overwhelming feeling - sadness for the old relationship - that things will never be the same again. Maybe i just need time to get over that.
We have just had a short holiday to the uk, got back on monday - and we had a fantastic time.
Get back home and theres all these reminders!

geordiegirl2 Wed 08-Aug-07 12:22:57

I know this might be hard to take- BUT your husband did not actually have an affair- although some people might say that you don't actually have to have sex to be unfaithful.

BUT would it help if you saw this as a silly flirtation that got out of hand?

Think what he didn't do- he didn't pursue this or have sex- that must mean something to you that he held back.

We all do silly things - this seems to have been a flash in the pan. Instead oflooking back, have you talked to him about why he needed this secret relationship? What is missing from his life that he needed it? By that, I don't mean there is anything wrong with you, but that maybe he needs to look at his life and get out of a rut- to me seems like a form of escapism.

Have you thought about counselling- either for both of you as a couple, or you on your own, or him on his own - to explore why he went down that road in the first place.

Along with the others, I agree youshould change your GP- and maybe ask for support in quitting smoking if you want that- there is so much help out there for that now- if you REALLY want to give up, then you will.

Although this episode in your life is stressful, look on it as an opportunity to start again, build a closer relationship with your partner, and give yourself some another chance.

hls Wed 08-Aug-07 12:34:35

I have changed my nickname for this post.

I was the other woman once. It was with an ex. It went on for years but was never a full affair- only phone calls and the occasional meeting - but I was in love with him. I was very unhappy in my marriage and saw him as an opportunity. In the end,we both backed off, to protect my children from a broken home. He then divorced, but it wasn't down to us. I got on with my life because I put my kids first. I am still not sure it was the right decision, but he has remarried so I have had to move on.

At the time, I got a phone call from his wife who found out abut us- she was drunk when she phoned. I had no respect for her at all- I said she needed to speak to her husband, not to me. I hung up on her and she kept phoning for hours all day long and night, but I didn't answer. She made a fool of herself, and I never heard from her again.

I am saying this because you might think that when you contact this other woman, you will have a sensible chat ot text or email or whatever- but you might not. You might hear things that are hurtful, you might feel worse, and it won't actually change anything. You may well feel you have got it out of your sytem for a day but then you may well want to ask more questions and more....and you'll be sucked in.

Don't go there. Focus on what you have got- a husband who has stayed with you.

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 12:35:15

Sure, the problem seems all around you and there's no escape! Your heart and soul are crying out for respite and some time for quiet reflection. I guess your holiday was with kids? So you were concentrating on them pretty much with no time to think? Back to the old routine and back to the old worries. My strategy in that situation would be to either immerse myself in something, ie work or kids, and not allow mysielf to dwell or if that doesn't work, take myself off where I can have the luxury of wallowing as much as I feel I need to without any distractions so I can have a good cry if I feel like it without upsetting kids or angering husband. You know what would work best for you and you have the absolute right to take whichever course will ease your pain.
Hope everything works out and you find peace of mind 'cos at the end of the day that's what really matters.

Stay in touch. [hugs]

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 12:59:30

Hi Geordiegirl2
Sorry but I think you are getting me and Annieatno4 a bit mixed up! I am the one with the dodgy GP and she is the one with the straying DH. Point is she doesn't know that her husband didn't have sex (just as I didn't 16 years ago) She may never know and can she live with that? I have cos I came to the conclusion that a 2 year relationship, with or without sex, could hardly constitute a "fling" so the sex or no sex thing was virtually immaterial. The nail in the coffin of trust for me came when I found out later that, though my husband claimed to have ended the relationship when I got pregnant with DD2 it turned out that the OW had ended it when she hooked a bigger fish. I think,sadly for him, that he was only ever a leg up the career ladder as far as she was concerned. Left me with the question "would he have stayed or left if she hadn't ended it and am I just second best and are the kids the real pull?" The trust has never really been the same since.
Only Annieatno4 knows whether or not she can live with the burden of maybe never knowing and I think she just needs support while she works through this for herself. We are all different and all of us have to make our own decisions. I fully concur with hls on the inadviseability of texting OW (see previous posts)on the grounds that it might make things worse for Annieatno4.
Thanks for the advice on smoking though I just don't seem to have the courage necessary to face my GP who always greets me with an "oh no, not you again!" sort of sigh and expression and will probably just tell me how stupid I was to start again (gave up before DD1 was born and only started again 2 years ago when I felt under so much pressure.) I know! I know! - I'm pathetic! But GP only makes me feel even more so and I'd probably light up the first thing I did after seeing him!!

Baffy Wed 08-Aug-07 13:05:19

hls I agree with the principle behind your post and that she should probably not contact the ow

(although I have been in this situation, did contact the ow, and did find out a lot of useful information from it without it entering into a slanging match)

but anyway, hls, saying that the wife 'made a fool of herself' when she contacted you is very unfair and makes me so angry. you and her husband cheated behind her back. you made fools of yourselves. and she was a very hurt, angry and upset woman who didn't deal with her grief in the best way. but she didn't make a fool of herself. she never asked to be put in that position. people have to deal with these situations and the emotional rollercoaster that follows in the best way they can at the time.

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 13:09:51

Well said Baffy!

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 13:16:05

Wow - thanks for all your advice and time.

Gordiegirl - we all need to hear the truth sometimes, however harsh - thank you. Yes, i think it was a firltation that got out of hand - only went on for a few weeks - 6 at the most. We have spoken about why, and apart from the pressures of our relationship and my depression, we are also in business with his father, and that has bought some awful pressures in the last year, and at one point we stopped all social contact with them.
HLS - thank you for your personal view point - it has made a difference about it all - so i wont be lowering myself to getting in contact with her.
Fiddlemamma - iam fairly sure there was no sex, as we work together, iam aware of most of his movements, but as you, i will never be 100%. Thank you for your personal input.

hls Wed 08-Aug-07 13:26:49

I didn't post in order to be attacked- although I knew my post would provoke some responses like yours, so it's not expected. I was putting my head on the block to help someone else- not to be shot down, thanks. Unfortunately, you don't know the whole story. She actually had several affairs during her 1st marriage ( he was her 2nd husband) and she had approached him whilst she was still married. I know that doesn't condone what I did, but it was someone I had known for 30 years - and it was never a full affair. But I don't need to defend what I wasn't right- I know that.

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 13:31:18

HLS - i do appreciate your input.

Right, well the next thing thats winding me up about it all is that after he moved back home, he bought her a watch (cheap) and sent it to her. And for some unknown reason this kills me. He has said that he will ask for it back if i want??? Sometimes i feel like iam going mad!!

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 13:34:50

Btw have been on the other end of the problem in a manner ofspeaking.
When DH lost job and had been trying unsuccessfully for another for 6 months I decided that I had better get into the fray myself. Not having worked since kids were born (I know, very lucky and sorry to sound smug as not at all really, but DH had always earned very good money and, having to travel a lot for business, it seemed to make sense for me to be at home for kids stability) I contacted my last boss (with whom I had got on very well) and asked for some advice on getting back into the rat race and a reference! He suggested meeting for coffee and a chat, so we did. He was very helpful with filling out an application form I had brought with me and we had a good old chin wag to catch up. He told me he had tragically lost one of his DDs in a car accident aged just 21 and his DW had been going through hell and very depressed.
I rang a few days later to tell him I had got interview for job and to thank him for his help. He was pleased for me and suggested meeting for a quick drink after work the day after the interview to see how I felt I had got on. I accepted ( my DH knew all about this btw) I rang his mobile the evening before (just after the interview) and his wife answered. I knew her from years back so I told her to say sorry but I couldn't make the pub next evening as something had come up but thanks for the help and advice and I would be in touch. She said OK but sounded a bit strained. Later she rang our house and spoke to my DH and cryed and ranted about me having an affair with her DH and to leave him alone, she was going through enough. My DH tried to calm her and reassure her that nothing was going on (and there wasn't - honestly) and that he knew about our meetings and didn't understand why she didn't but that that was something to take up with her DH.
I tried to ring her back myself next day to reassure her she had nothing to worry about and suggested that we meet for a coffee to put her mind at rest if I could but she refused to listen to me. I sent a text to my old boss having a go at him for keeping her in the dark and what did he expect she would think? etc and to show her the text but I never heard back from him again.
I don't think she made a fool of herself at all and I felt very sorry to be the cause of so much pain. If anyone was the fool it was my old boss!!

Baffy Wed 08-Aug-07 14:12:57

HLS I didn't mean to attack you.

I agreed with your post and think you did a brave thing admitting what happened and posting here to add support.

I guess I just didn't like the thought of someone being called a fool for dealing badly with betrayal. I'm don't know the situation and am not judging. That word just made me upset.

No offence meant.

Baffy Wed 08-Aug-07 14:16:17

annie - sometimes it is the smallest things that hurt the most. I totally relate to that.
All I can say is the way I try to deal with it is whenever those thoughts pop into my head and start eating away at me, I try to replace them with thoughts of all of our good memories and the things he did for me.

It doesn't take the pain away. But it helps to try and switch your mind so you don't focus on those awful thoughts too much. Over time, as he starts making it up to you, he will replace these bad thoughts with lots of lovely new memories.

annieatno4 Wed 08-Aug-07 14:44:50

Thanks Baffy
It just feels like a reward for her!!!
I have to say Ladies that i feel much calmer now - thanks to you all.
Sometimes you need to get these things off your chest!`

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 15:31:39

If it will truly make you feel better then ask him to get the watch back. If, after reflection, you feel it will make you feel bad eventually, or in some way small, let it go. Look at it as a consolation prize rather than a reward (if you're certain no sex was involved, a reward for what?) You've got the jackpot after all, he clearly loves you very much however silly he's been

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