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Partners relationship with my child

(176 Posts)
Namechanging2 Tue 03-Sep-19 04:10:26

I have been with my partner for 2 years and he's just recently moved in. The relationship has always been a bit rocky, with issues around our very different parenting styles. I have been a lone parent for years and am set in my ways, but it works for me and my child. OH thinks I'm too soft and steps in now and again, but he's too harsh as far as I'm concerned. He's like that with his own children too. By harsh I mean shouting at them aggressively and suddenly like he just loses it now and again.

Since he's moved in he's stepped in over my child staying in his own bed. I've always been happy to cosleep but obviously lately with my partner moving in my lb has had to sleep in his own bed. There's been a lot of getting up in the night to see to him and oh thinks I'm too soft and spend half my night sat in there with him, which is true. Oh decided he would take over and has been successful in getting my lb to stay in bed, but I've been suspicious about how he's doing it. I've heard him talking gently to him, and he tells me that he reassures him but firmly tells him that he has to stay in his own bed. But now and again I can really hear my lb sobbing and I can tell he doesn't get up in the night any more because he's too scared. He's becoming withdrawn around my partner and seems to be losing his confidence. He's definitely less secure than he was an glances over at my partner before he moves/speaks. He seems to be on eggshells and tells me that my partner doesn't like him and is always mad at him. Yesterday my lb wandered off to sit by himself looking sad and when I asked him what was wrong he said he'd been told off, but I had been in the room and hadn't heard anything. My lb said oh had made angry faces and waggled his finger at him for something, clearly when I wasn't looking.

My partner takes my lb out and goes out of his way to make an effort with him, but this relationship obviously isn't right. Yesterday my lb told my eldest that my partner hits him at night when I'm not there. When asked for a demonstration he put his hand on his cheek. I've asked my lb a few times what happens when oh goes in at night but he clams up and won't tell me anything. I need to address this today. Opinions?

Winterlife Tue 03-Sep-19 04:19:59

How old is your child?

I always went to my children’s beds if they woke me in the night. My husband never would have. I think that’s important for a child’s sense of security.

happychange Tue 03-Sep-19 04:22:44

Please for the sake of your son, get rid of this man. It sounds Abusive
Poor child

GlorianaCervixia Tue 03-Sep-19 04:25:17

This is awful. Your little boy doesn’t feel safe in his own home. There’s no excuse for it. You have to put your child first. You can’t live your life watching your partner to make sure he’s not abusing your child. Ask him to move out, it’s clearly not working.

Your partner will likely try to shift the blame by making you out to be a weak, ineffectual parent but your son’s scared behaviour is all you need to know.

NabooThatsWho Tue 03-Sep-19 04:25:23

Bloody hell! Protect your child from this man!

AgentProvocateur Tue 03-Sep-19 04:26:25

Do you really need to ask what you should do?

Peakypolly Tue 03-Sep-19 04:26:40

Why have you moved this man in?
My opinion is that you ask him to move out immediately. I feel sorry for your DS.

ShippingNews Tue 03-Sep-19 04:27:19

Why are you with this man ? You had a great relationship with DS and now he is afraid of your partner - being hit by him - being intimidated by him. You need to get rid of this man from your lives , for everyone's sake.

Numberwang2019 Tue 03-Sep-19 04:30:26

He needs to move out now! Surely you can see your son has changed with him around? He’s going into his room in the night and making him sob! Poor little one.

TheForgetfulDengineer Tue 03-Sep-19 04:35:40

The relationship has always been a bit rocky, with issues around our very different parenting styles

He should never have moved in.
You poor little boy.
Why are you letting this man tell you how to parent and tell you what is best for your child? Agree with PP he is likely to blame you for being too soft, tell you you are being manipulated etc.
Do not listen to him.
Your son needs to feel safe in his own home. This could be extremely damaging if you allow it to continue. Show your son you will protect him and get this horrible man out of your house today.

TheForgetfulDengineer Tue 03-Sep-19 04:39:52

By harsh I mean shouting at them aggressively and suddenly like he just loses it now and again.

Again, he should not have been allowed to move in. Are you scared of this man?

Ilikethisone Tue 03-Sep-19 04:41:43

You need to get rid.

No way would my dp be telling me he would be settling my child. Not a chance.

And if I spent half the night in ds bed and he moaned I was looking after my child. I would tell him to piss off.

My dp did think I was too soft, I am confident in my parenting. Dp knows full well that I parent how I parent and he gets on board or goes.

Dp didnt know his mother and had quite a poor upbringing. His father was extremely strict as was his step mother. Dp though I was an amazing mum because I made sure that if ds wants to come back to me from his dads early he could. His experience was that parents want to shuffle their kids off.

Dp is fully on board with how I parent and understands that I am giving ds a loving and secure home life.

Do not accept this man, taking your relationship with your son away.

If it's always been rocky, you should never have moved him in. The good news is that you can undo this. Dont let your son grow being damaged by this man. Because when he is an adult he will blame you as well.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 Tue 03-Sep-19 04:42:11

Oh for goodness sake, despite your second sentence you still moved this guy in. Step up for your little boy today and get that man out of your house and life.

Gruzinkerbell1 Tue 03-Sep-19 04:46:24

Get him out. Immediately.

Aprillygirl Tue 03-Sep-19 04:50:10

Fuck sake OP your child is being abused and you're sitting there letting it happen. Protect your kid ffs!

Gogreen Tue 03-Sep-19 04:57:24

Your poor kids...I feel sorry for them...you should leave, kids should be your number one priority.

If you don’t leave and make excuses...don’t expect your children to have a good relationship with you when they become adults....they will know that whilst it was him....it was really you!

Winterlife Tue 03-Sep-19 05:05:49

Just read that your partner hits your child.

You need to remove him from the home. Hitting a child is unacceptable. The fact he does it secretly is worse.

Windygate Tue 03-Sep-19 05:18:06

Serious question: why did you allow this man to move in to your home?

You really don't need to be told what to do. This abuser leaves your home today. Is there someone who can have DS today whilst this man moves out?

VeganVeganVegan Tue 03-Sep-19 05:24:12

Fuck op this is awful. Please protect your son and get this man out.

Douberry Tue 03-Sep-19 05:36:37

I feel so sorry for your little boy OP. He is terrified in his own home and no longer feels secure. The hitting and intimidation is disgusting. This man is not worth your son being damaged. Please find the strength to kick this abusive man out of your life before he does any lasting damage, because you know that is where this is heading. Don't make any excuses, get your priorities straight and put your son first.

PotterHead1985 Tue 03-Sep-19 05:41:39

I can only echo pp this man needs to go today. Your DS and his physical and mental well-being are more important than any relationship.

sittingonacornflake Tue 03-Sep-19 06:13:13

Oh OP I'm so sorry you and your DS are going through this. How heartbreaking.

I think you know the answer to your question. It's going to be hard but you need to tell your DP to move out. You have to protect your DS from him. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and will be really damaging your DS. It could also likely escalate as he gets older.

I just don't think you could live with yourself if you let him stay and continue to abuse your DS.

Are you scared of your DP?

Shoxfordian Tue 03-Sep-19 06:13:32

Yeah, what everyone else said.
Start prioritising your son and consider doing the freedom programme if you haven't

madcatladyforever Tue 03-Sep-19 06:18:42

For God's sake get rid of this man
He is terrorising your son. My stepfather did the same. I don't think Mt mother ever knew the extent of the abuse but I was terrified of him my whole childhood. I can just see this happening to your son and his self esteem and character being whittled away. You don't need to scream or shout to terrorise a child.

Raphael34 Tue 03-Sep-19 06:23:42

This has made me feel sick. If I knew who you were I’d literally report you both to the police right now. Him for child abuse and you for allowing it. Your poor, poor son...

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