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I wanted a divorce. Now kids are on CP measures and I'm suicidal.

(104 Posts)

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MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 20:25:41

After 18 years of marriage and 3 DC, I said I wanted out about 5 months ago. He became very emotionally abusive. Putting the DC in the middle of things and talking down about me in front of them. My relationship with the eldest is essentially severed and middle DC is all over the place and very angry at me. Youngest is fine with me but after several months is starting to mimic the middle DC. have applied for divorce but he's contesting my reasons.

He's blocking the sale of the house and I can't move out without leaving the DC behind. I involved social services and DC are now on Child Protection measures.

My mental health is awful. I'm suicidal, self harming and constantly running away for the evening or the night due to not coping. This obviously hasn't helped my DC. I said I would stop doing this and pretty much have apart from one night where I broke down and couldn't return home as I was in a right state.

Not sure why Im posting. I dont know what else to do anymore.

Women's Aid are involved. Social Services are involved. I have legal aid to assist with the divorce and financial order. I will have to pay for custody arrangement costs which I can't afford.

I feel like there's no way out. There's a lot I haven't posted but I'm in such a head mess. Ive lost a lot of weight, have a constant upset stomach and am drinking 1-3 glasses most days and smoking excessively. I'm a fucking mess.

Please tell me I can get through this because right now my back is against the wall and I have no options. My own kids have been turned against me. They think the sun shines out their dad's behind and he can do no wrong. Despite his behaviour towards me infront of them. They wouldn't leave with me if I went to a refuge hence me being stuck here, for them.

It's been several months and I am just worn down and lost.

Tongo Sun 25-Aug-19 20:29:49

I wonder if it’s worth you posting this on the legal page to see if there’s any legal measures you can take to get the house sorted quickly. I hope someone on here can help you. It sounds awful.

Tongo Sun 25-Aug-19 20:30:54

As a first step, go to your gp and get referred for counselling. How are the finances? Could you afford to pay for private counselling so you can get seen ASAP?

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 20:33:23

So far legal options have included an occupation order which costs about 1k and if he contests will escalate. I don't have this money.

No other option but to force sale of house which takes a year through court.

I am in counselling but can only go sporadically as he won't commit to times he can watch the children.

It's the worst time I've ever experienced and any previous notion I had of myself as a 'strong' woman have been entirely shattered. I'm at breaking point with nowhere to go.

FrenchBoule Sun 25-Aug-19 20:36:50

Don’t rely on (hopefully) STBXH to watch the kids, he’s your enemy now and will do anything to sabotage your time when you need it. Any chance of getting counselling when the kids are at school or get friend to watch them?

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 20:39:56

I'm trying very hard to not rely on him. I've been off work for several months due to this but have to go back due to them reducing the level of pay soon.
He has essentially refused for my (limited) friends or family to watch them and if I go against his wishes he makes life very difficult so I feel like it's not worth it to go against him. I don't have many friends as throughout our marriage whenever I went out with them he would essentially get into a strop with me so I felt like it wasn't worth the aggro.

PicsInRed Sun 25-Aug-19 20:51:35

Beg borrow and steal (maybe not the latter) that £1000+ and get your occupation order. You also need a good solicitor to really move things along.

You'll lose a lot more money to a guy like this in the divorce long run if you try to do it on the cheap. To prevail in a divorce like this one is shaping up to be, you need your mental health intact.

Lovely, get that occupation order. Take back your life. flowers

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 25-Aug-19 20:51:53

He sounds horrible. I don’t understand. Who you ask to look after your children is your business, isn’t It? Or is there something court ruled?

How old are your dcs?

redexpat Sun 25-Aug-19 20:52:48

So he was abusive before you started divorce proceedings.

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 20:54:02

16, 12 and 4. I'm just done. And low.

HebeMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 25-Aug-19 20:57:36

Hello OP,

We're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We hope you don't mind, but when threads that mention suicide and self harm are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also wanted to share Mind’s information on self harm with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We usually move these threads to our mental health boards, but in this case we can see that the Relationships board might be the best place for the OP to find support so we're going to leave it here for the time being.

RRJR Sun 25-Aug-19 21:03:15

It sounds like you’re letting him walk all over you.

If he’s at work he can not prevent your friends from looking after your kids so you can go to counselling/whatever else it is you need to do

As long as they’re safe and you know where they are.

Make today the day that things change

He doesn’t get to call the shots anymore. He doesn’t get to dictate what you can and can’t do and he doesn’t get to turn your kids against you.

Stop the drinking. Cut down on the smoking even if it’s 1 or 2 less fags a day - it’s something. If you have to force the sale of the house then go for it - what choice do you have? Because right now you’re losing your mental health and sanity.

Men like this never back down. He sounds horrendous and you have all my sympathies flowers

Hope you’re okay

Soontobe60 Sun 25-Aug-19 21:07:53

OP, if your children are the subject of a CP order, you will be limited to what you can do I presume. You sound like you're at the end of your tether but I, afraid your children are paying the price. Is the CP order because of your mental health or because of their fathers behaviour?

bluebellsandnettles Sun 25-Aug-19 21:16:22

Why are your kids on CP? How old are they??

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 21:16:40

CP is because of their father's behaviour. Coercive control over me and the DC and emotional abuse towards me infront of DC.
I don't doubt that my mental health is taken into account too but the primary concern is his behaviour.

He has now said he will justify his behaviour to social services and he believes the children will be taken away as a result. He said it will be my fault for raising the issues with SS in the first place so I've brought it on myself.

It's been a long time to cope with this and there just seems like no way out.

I can't borrow the money for the occupati9n order and it's unlikely to be granted as he will contest and he's very clever at spinning things. The eldest two would back him to stay at home.

This whole thing is a godforsaken fucking mess. I want to run away and never come back

bluebellsandnettles Sun 25-Aug-19 21:26:04

Wow, what a mess. Try and take a deep breath.
So they are on CP because of him??
If he is trying to get to you and telling you stuff, please just ignore him.
Ss will want to see that you are being protective of the children. Again, how old are they? Are they of an age where they can voice their opinion?

bluebellsandnettles Sun 25-Aug-19 21:29:09

Sorry just seen where you stated the kids ages...
16 year old and 12 year old can speak for themselves, but the 4 year old...
how exactly though did they all end up on cp???

Atalune Sun 25-Aug-19 21:30:13

He’s a bully.

Stand up to bullies. It’s the only way.

Go back to work. Use friends and family for childcare. What will he do?? Ignore him.... block him out. Talk only when absolutely necessarily.

PicsInRed Sun 25-Aug-19 21:31:45

He can't be THAT clever at spin if there's a CP based on his behaviour. I think you're giving him more credit than he merits. These guys have tendency to trip themselves up in front of know, because the only authority they recognise is themselves.

Really, don't over estimate his abilities. He's abused you into his thrall, no one else is in his thrall. They are likely --->> hmm at him.

Have a solicitor represent you and it's likely he'll make a right plum of himself. He may even almost do your solicitor's job for them.

bluebellsandnettles Sun 25-Aug-19 21:31:52

Women's aid are your friends here, and not sure where you are in the country, but if you can, speak to solace. They helped me out massively, when I had nowhere else to turn. Can you not borrow the money? It's £215 to put an application in to court for a CAO.

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 21:33:31

They're 16 ,12 and 4. Eldest one wants nothing to do with me but will talk to STBXH. Middle DC hates me eternally as they are convinced I've been sleeping with lots of men and I'm basically evil. DC12 has disowned me as their mother. I know they're hurting so I'm trying to be there for them but it's incredibly difficult when they are constantly acting out and he is undermining my relationship with the DC at every turn.

Sunshinegirl82 Sun 25-Aug-19 21:36:25

Have you tried getting in touch with Rights of Women to see if they can give any further assistance?

I hope things improve for you soon.

Whosorrynow Sun 25-Aug-19 21:39:44

He is behaving in an extremely toxic manner and this will backfire on him eventually.
I know it's really really awful but you are going to be ok, he is shooting himself in the foot here, I'm not sure how much you should call him out or openly go against him, it might be best to just humour him but have a strategy to quarantine him and stop his toxicity affecting you so much.

Please try and keep a detailed log of everything that happens.

MyAlmaMater Sun 25-Aug-19 21:40:45

Considering leaving the DC and going into a refuge but no idea how that would affect custody as I'd essentially be abandoning them. I could take youngest DC but no idea if it's the right thing to do.

There just doesn't seem to be a right answer here.

Whosorrynow Sun 25-Aug-19 21:41:21

And yes he very likely is massively overplaying his hand, it might be better to keep your powder dry and just make out that you believe his threats?

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