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Partner told me he hates my's over, isn't it

(233 Posts)
littlegecko Sat 24-Aug-19 23:26:42

I apologise as this is going to be lengthy - I just need to clear my thoughts if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. (I've name changed for this post.)

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we have a pre-school aged son together. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship.

My teenagers are pretty typical teenagers. DD can be a bit feisty and is very messy. Her bedroom is always a tip and she leaves mess wherever she goes. Generally she's a good kid - she did brilliantly in her GCSEs, has lovely friends and works weekends - and has a very likeable personality. DS1 is also exceptionally good - he never has an attitude and we have had no issues with him. He is also very bright, has good friendships and a weekend job. Again, he can be a bit messy. I would say they are a very typical teenage boy and girl. People - ie family, colleagues, friends etc always say how lovely they are.

Partner generally has nothing good to say about them. He will point out every little thing that they do and make derogatory comments about them. I understand that their mess annoys him, but instead of asking them to tidy up nicely he will say stuff like "what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".

He also moans about what they are doing in regards to school and says they will never be anything when they are older.

I am writing this and cringing...I don't know why I have let this go on. I guess I've had my head in the sand, just hoping things would get easier.

Partner criticises my parenting all the time and says I'm too soft.

This evening, my DD had left her bag on the sofa. Partner has started slagging her off to me and saying she's disrespectful, and I said that maybe he should try acting nicer to her rather than like he hates her. He then said that he does hate her and told me everything that my kids do that annoys him.

I guess hearing it like that has reiterated what I already knew. I've told him we are finished and we are currently not talking.

Our relationship is not great. We don't have anything in common and he makes no effort to get to know my family or friends. He has no interest in anything I do. Anything I enjoy, he refers to as "shit" and "a bore-fest". In regards to his family and his hobbies, I have to take an active interest or he sulks. I find everything about him negative.

The problem I have is finances. I live in partners house (he owned it long before I came on the scene). I work in a term time job so my wage isn't great. I did a benefit calculation and with top ups could definitely afford to rent on my own - but I need to muster some money together first, and can't do that on my wage.

I am so frustrated by it all, but desperate to leave asap. There's no way I can continue to pretend that everything is okay but don't know how the hell I can ever afford to move out.

Sorry for long post, any advice would be very welcome. Also, I am aware that I have subjected my two eldest to damaging behaviour and am expecting some criticism. They always just say "well that's what he's like" and don't seem too affected, but I know deep down that it must get them down. It gets me down enough being caught in the middle, so I know it's probably worse for them being on the receiving end.

Branleuse Sat 24-Aug-19 23:29:59

He sounds awful. Well done for waking up to him and doing the right thing by your kids.

S1naidSucks Sat 24-Aug-19 23:32:57

What way are finances shared? Do you have a joint account and who does the grocery shopping? Is there any way you can quietly save money? Maybe getting the odd bit of cash back when grocery shopping. Putting away a wee bit each week can add up. Anything you can sell on the internet? Can you get a few bits and pieces, such as bed sheets, towels, even cutlery out of the house to a friend’s garage, shed, etc. This means you won’t have to fork out for those things when you leave.

I’m not going to berate you for past mistakes as it seems like you’ve finally found the courage to face them.

PeopleMover Sat 24-Aug-19 23:33:56

You can get out OP, you just need to make a plan.

Do you have things you can sell? Could you take on some evening work? Access to joint money you can save without him noticing? Friends or family that can help?

LittleFairywren Sat 24-Aug-19 23:34:36

Oh they are definitely affected by this whatever brave face they're putting on for you. How can they not be affected by someone calling them cunts, skanks and tramps? How can you stand by and let someone call your child that? Can you borrow money off a friend or family to help you get out? Your children deserve so much better than this waste of space.

Northernsoullover Sat 24-Aug-19 23:35:42

That relationship sounds intolerable. I'd ring shelter and ask their advice or speak to the council. You might be able to get a rental without a bond.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting Sat 24-Aug-19 23:36:35

Fuck! Your p is calling your dc skanks and cunts?? Get out now. What a useless bastard he is.

Branleuse Sat 24-Aug-19 23:37:24

Since he is verbally and emotionally abusing your children, id say you might be worth speaking to the council about housing

ILiveInSalemsLot Sat 24-Aug-19 23:40:00

He’s known your lovely dc for 7 years and that’s how he talks to them? What a vile human being.
Get out as soon as you can.

IncrediblySadToo Sat 24-Aug-19 23:41:18

—*what cunt has left this spoon here" etc. He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".*

Well, he’s a prince amongst men isn’t he!

How have the finances worked until now? If you’ve been contributing to his mortgage payments, the least he could do us give you the deposit you’d need to rent somewhere! Does he have the means to do that?

If not could you ask parents or siblings? You can’t stay there now and your kids definitely shouldn’t have to!

Rachelover40 Sat 24-Aug-19 23:41:39

I agree with what everyone else has said. Your partner sounds dreadful and to speak to your children like he does is appalling.

Please get some legal advice.

SimplySteveRedux Sat 24-Aug-19 23:43:05

* He refers to my daughter as "the tramp" or "the skank".*

Well isn't he a charmer. Disgraceful behaviour.

Raphael34 Sat 24-Aug-19 23:43:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TeaForDad Sat 24-Aug-19 23:44:03

The best time to sort things was years ago, but the second best time is now.

Your kids will thank you, your DP sounds terrible

CokeZeroHero Sat 24-Aug-19 23:44:18

Oh my god - so shocking

Please sort this - as soon as you can. Don't subject your kids to this for any longer than you have to. Ugh - what a vile creature. How can you bear to even look at him?

Don't let him speak about your children in this way.

NotStayingIn Sat 24-Aug-19 23:44:39

What the hell have you subjected your children to? Jesus. Are you seriously that desperate to be in a relationship you thought this was ok?

You need to get out. It’s great you’ve seen that this is shit but you need to now actually plan a way out. Rope in friends to help you, save like crazy, sell anything you don’t need in the quiet and save, try and get more work if you can etc. Could the older children babysit a night each so you can do more work? Imagine if he dumped you, you would need to survive somehow. So as hard as it is you need to find a way. flowers

Scarydinosaurs Sat 24-Aug-19 23:45:17

If you’re term time can you pick up a different job in the holidays? October half term coming up- even something cash in hand like tutoring, respite care for SEN children, holiday camp staff etc?

CokeZeroHero Sat 24-Aug-19 23:45:21

And if you don't sort this, then you're completely failing them. How can you stand there and listen to him calling your children those things? You NEED to sort this

Wildorchidz Sat 24-Aug-19 23:45:35

Almost a year ago you were posting about how he treats those children. How long more are you going to subject them to his abuse?

crimsonlake Sat 24-Aug-19 23:46:14

He is a disgusting human being, how dare he speak of your children like that. Why did you ever get with this man? Your children have done so well considering the circumstances, get rid of him asap.

Wellhelloxx11xx Sat 24-Aug-19 23:47:26

☹️ your poor kids. Yes of course they’ll be effected. You need to leave ASAP.

Wellhelloxx11xx Sat 24-Aug-19 23:48:29

And if you don't sort this, then you're completely failing them. How can you stand there and listen to him calling your children those things? You NEED to sort this

Yes this. You allowing them to be in an abusive situation IS abuse on your part too.

CokeZeroHero Sat 24-Aug-19 23:48:41

You posted about this a year ago? You're as bad as him. Honestly what do you want anyone to say?

I'll hide this thread I think. You're damaging your kids

SuzieQ10 Sat 24-Aug-19 23:49:12

Contact your local council. If you are 'homeless' due to relationship breakdown and have children in your care, you will likely be able to get some help with deposit and first months rent for a private rented property, if you will be eligible for housing benefit / UC towards housing.
It's worth enquiring at least.

Get out of there. It sounds like you've allowed this to go on for long enough already. You risk losing a good relationship with your teens. Personally I could never forgive my mother if she stayed with a man who spoke about me this way.

Aquathest Sat 24-Aug-19 23:49:56

I second the comment about seeking help from your council for housing.
The chances are they will tell you that your best chance of accommodation is to rent privately but then they can also discuss options open to you if you don't have a deposit etc

Your DC are being verbally abused by this man. For me, this would be an emergency situation, to get out of that house ASAP.

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