Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP ruining my holiday already.(259 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
DP has been having a hard time with his mental health recently. To exacerbate this he isn't really seeking help and has been drinking far too much. We're off on holiday with our son (18 months) tomorrow. I'm excited, first holiday together as a family.
I'm off work already, (teacher) but I have been in today to do things for gcse results, but I've also organised all mine and Ds's packing, cancelled the milk, got insurance, euros and made a bag of fun for DS in the plane.
"D"P has just come home at 8pm, dropped the fact that he hasn't washed any of his clothes and needs to do that and pack still, and has basically faffed around for 3 hours, drinking and looking for 1 t shirt. I wanted him to be on baby duty for a couple of hours so I could have a bath, shave my bloody legs and if I was lucky smush a bit of fake tan on. He's done nothing, he's sat here saying he feels that he doesn't deserve the holiday and he's stressed and anxious. I've carried on sorting and packing and now he's "gone out for a pint" so I'm still unbathed, non shaved, pasty white and bloody angry.
His behaviour is so erratic, self-involved and depressing. I read the thread recently about the woman on holiday with her Husband who was behaving horrendously but also had mental health issues and I'm just dreading going.
Not even sure there's an answer for this. Last time he went out at this time he was on a bender for 24 hours, so maybe I'll get to go alone anyway!
Drinking wont cure his mh
You cannot cure his drinking or mh
Go on holiday without him
Let him realise he has to seek help or lose you and dc
I am surprised you haven't washed his clothes for him?
After all you are off work at the moment.
When my kids were little I would pack 4 cases for our hols ready for when my husband finished work and then I would load up the car ready for him to drive us to Devon for our hols because I knew he would be too tired to do his own packing.
Do you care about this man at all? because you sound like you are living the single parent life already.
That's my question at the moment.
I think I might have a fixing people tendency and that's how we've ended up here, but I'm tired of being the person that does everything.
Mileyssmiley what bloody century do you live in . She isn’t his mother I’d go on my own let’s hope he stays out and gets wasted and you can enjoy your holiday with Dc and have the best time
Hahah. Surprised I haven't washed his clothes for him. He's a grown man. I'm on my break, which I have earned, and I do absolutely everything else apart from wash his clothes. And to add to this... They weren't in the bloody wash basket. They were in the bottom of his wardrobe. Oh I don't even know why I'm explaining that.
Fucking hell. The problem isn’t that she hasn’t washed his clothes like some stepford wife. Why should she? He should behave like an adult and be able to pack to go on holiday.
miley how could you have let your poor tired husband do the driving?
Miley how come your your husband was too sling some clothes in a bag, but could safely drive you all on a lengthy journey?
Bit selective isn't it?
Living the single parent life!
Yes I am. Not out of bloody choice. Except if I was a single parent I wouldn't have a 40 year old man living in my house.
Wow, Mileysmiley, judgeypants and a martyr bra to go with it!
Omg! Miley, are u one of those surrendered wives? Did you not share the driving? My dh would find it far more relaxing to pack his own suitcase but have some help with the driving .
This century and I would do the lions share of domestic duties because I took time off from my job to bring up my family. I don't regret doing this for one moment because my mother worked and I vowed I would never let my children come home to an empty house after school. Fair enough if you both work then all domestic duties must be shared which we used to do before we had a family.
Hello what, that is awful, I would be pissed off too.
I recall the other thread you mention and read it while on holiday with just my son after the previous holiday where much of what you say resonates.
DH is now back on medication and finally going for for counselling, but I have just had it with even positive stuff which should be fun and exciting , even if BOTH people have to rush round to get stuff organised.
It just takes the fun out of it doesn't it & is draining.
School hols are hard anyway in that situ; out of the normal routine means around them and the house & related jobs more.
Same here now although not holiday related, just loads to do with work, looking after DS , organising everything for his party and birthday and all the usual house jobs & studying, but he just sits on his arse mostly and has very little to say when I say how much I have to do.
Incredibly self centered, even if they can't help it.
Anyway make the most of your hols , just ignore him and crack on .
Sorry about the tan - that always makes a difference.
He enjoyed driving us on holiday so I would let him drive us there but take a share when we arrived at our destination.
There is a very good chance he is going to deliberately stall to ensure you can’t leave for your holiday.
If that happens, go without him. No pleading, bartering or begging, just go.
You really need to use this opportunity to show him that if he pulls this shit, it will not drag you down with him. The lady you mentioned let her saga drag on for years, and you saw where that got her.
Unless you want your life to be dictated by this shit don’t for one second pander to it.
Oh @Mileysmiley has made me smile though.
I've been ummming and ahhhing over if I should break up/ask him to leave/ leave myself with DS.
He works shifts and we barely see each other as I'm at work 7-6 and he's often evenings and always weekends so I guess I was hoping some of this was down to tired/stressed haven't spent any time together and the holiday might solve it.
I can assure everyone I am not a stepford wife just someone who cares about their family and enjoyes doing household tasks except ironing.
One of my friends once compared me to Brie from Desperate Housewives which I didn't agree with because I don't have her sense of fashion.
@Mileysmiley shes not 'off work' shes caring for an 18 month old child... what planet do you live on?!
Shes not even had enough spare time to have a bath let alone pack a bag for a fully grown man... it sounds like shes been looking after the child single handedly whilst her husband has some relaxing drink time down the pub... and you think she should also pack this mans case for him?
Theres being compassionate and then theres being an absolute doormat.
OP I hope he comes home after one pint finds his tshirt, packs his bags and you both get a good nights rest. Hopefully he will relax alot once you actually get there and maybe the holiday will have a positive effect on him.
I've got two preschool age kids and me and my husband always fall out a bit and get really stressy the night before we head off on holiday.. it is generally quite stressful travelling with young children but it's usually worth it when you get there..
And if he does let you down and goes out on a 24hr bender and is unable to go with you. Just go on your own with your child and have the best time you can. Dont let him suck you down... not just for your own benefit but for his too.. you cant help him if you are also depressed. Maybe try and prepare yourself psychologically for him doing that so that it doesnt really distress you if it does happen and you can still manage to go and salvage some of your holiday.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you
@Mileysmiley you might not work outside the home, but I'm on the senior team of a school. I've been in at least 3 days a week all holiday and in term time I'm 7-6 every day. I earn x3 what "D"P earns and I also am raising a lovely boy still bloody breastfeeding at 18 months and surviving on about 4 hours sleep a night. I'm pretty sure he should be doing my washing.
I am living on planet earth and you would be surprised how many women share the same type of values as me.
My own daughter is taking a break from her very success career to care for her toddler and is finding it extremely difficult because of lack of sleep. We are going to visit this weekend to lend a hand a give her a bit of a break.
OP I think the shifts thing makes a difference, it means they run to the own schedule and not used to being around / awake and I think it means that team aspect of parenting doesn't evolve.
When they are around, you have got so used to doing everything yourself it feels inconvenient , like anothee child cos they are not any help and don't know how to integrate into the usual routine / duties.
And they have the trump card of tiredness etc when working nights .
It sucks and does not make for equal partnership.
My DH did shift work from when I was pregnant to after my son started school , so i get it. It is hard work!!!;
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.