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Trouble with DH makes me feel like throwing up, please lend an ear (eye)...

(12 Posts)
bcsnowpea Sun 05-Aug-07 06:08:11

This is going to be a long rant. Thanks in advance for reading. I really need to get it all off my chest, because it's just sitting there, making me feel like throwing up.

My husband is addicted to pot. We established this fact about six months ago when I finally told me how much his four to five a day habit upset me. He and I agreed that he would cut back to only one a day, his night-time smoke, so that he could still sleep.
He cut back immediately and I was so proud of him, I made sure he knew how much I appreciated his efforts.

About three months ago we went on a long holiday and he wasn't smoking at all. He said that he felt better that way, and that he wanted to quit altogether. He acknowledged that as an addiction, it was probably best to stop smoking pot completely. He promised that even if he lapsed he would tell me about it. I made it quite clear that I understood that he might feel the urge to smoke again, and give in to that urge, but I wanted to know about it. I think the worst part of addiction is when people hide things from those they love. Nobody wants to live a lie.

A few months ago he and I, and his best-friend and bf's girl friend went to a concert. His best friend is a huge smoker, it has long been a part of their social life. However, this friend knows that dh is trying to quit, but after the show he offered him his joint. DH took it, right in front of me. He looked ashamed, he knew I was massively pissed off, and he said the next day that my level of disappointment in him would help him to avoid it. That was not my intention, I was just expressing how I naturally felt. I don't want to repress my emotions just to appear understanding.

Last night I confronted him about whether he'd been smoking. He came home tasting of pot and mints, which has happened before, but I've never got up the guts to ask about it. He admitted that he's smoked a few times and not told me about it. I was too tired to be angry. I was disappointed, and I was extrememely hurt that he's been lying to me.

Today, he went to work, and we emailed back and forth a little. He was emailing about why he smokes, or "used to" smoke, and I was trying to tell him how frightened I am of this addiction. He has a family history of addictions and mental illness, and of lying to each other for decades. DH doesn't change at all when he smokes, he's a pretty mellow guy, but the fact that he needs this, that he's willing to hide it, scares me to death, especially as we have a 9mo ds, who I don't want growing up with this.

DH has also admitted, time and again, that there are certain situations where he is more tempted than usual, including the nights he goes and spends with his best friend. They drink, and his friend ALWAYS smokes. Tonight, dh and I were having a nice time just hanging around together, although like always he wanted to have sex, whereas tonight I'm just not in the mood. The phone rings, it's his best mate, asking to see dh before he goes on holidays for two weeks. DH is off pretty much off like a shot, taking only enough time to acknowledge that he's putting himself right into a tempting situation but that he HOPES he won't be stoned when he comes home. A nagging thought at the back of my head wonders if he would have gone if I actually WAS in the mood tonight.

On my end of things, it took me nine months to realise that my problem with his smoking was valid, and to actually say something. Now, every time this comes up, or something new happens, I'm gripped by stress. I can feel my heart pounding, and like I said before, I feel like throwing up. I know that dh doesn't control my autonomic functions, but I also know that he'll come home tonight, either drunk or stoned, and pass out quite happily, while I will have another shocking night, plagued by worry and doubt (in both of us).

I'm not asking for anything, but I know there are mnetters out there who are always willing to lend a sympathetic ear, and I hope you see this. I know there are also mnetters who will let you know if you need to pull your head in and get your shit together, and if anyone reads this and thinks I need a good reality check, then please feel free.

It has been cathartic just to write that. It's not a cure, I know, but I'm living in a country where I don't really have any close friends, and I desperately need someone to talk to, even if it is a one-sided conversation.

GoodGollyMissMolly Sun 05-Aug-07 06:31:23

Hi Bcsnowpea,
It sounds like you are in such an awful situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I dont have any experience of this myself so I'm not sure how much help I'll be.

First of all I want to say good on you for giving your Dh such wonderful support, which he so obviousley needs at the moment. I do however think that you NEED support also, not from you DH, but maybe froman outside source, such as your GP or a drugs councelor (sp?). They are there to help you just as much as to help the person with the addiction.

I can understand how you feel like you are always worried and worried by all this you are the one doing all the supporting.

Your DH sounds like he really wants to do something about his addiction, would he go to counceling (sp?). Also by the sound of it he needs to limit contact that he has with this 'Friend' of his. If this friend knows that your DH is trying to cut down/quit, but still offers him a joint then imo he is not a very good friend. I suspect that once your Dh comes out of this addiction he will see his friend more clearly and realise that it is a destructive friendship.

I realise itmay be hard for you but is there any family or close friends that you have to talk this through with, for your own sanity. I understand that you may not want family or friends knowing about this, but I'm sure they will be willing to just lend a listening ear to you. If not then that is what mums net is for, support.

I hope this helps, and I hope you are feeling better within yourself soon.


GoodGollyMissMolly Sun 05-Aug-07 06:32:50

Apologies formy typos and it was supposed to read Worried and stressed

(I haven't had alot of sleep)

bcsnowpea Sun 05-Aug-07 06:42:45

Thanks Miss Molly. You said a lot of the things I needed to hear.

I don't have any family around, and no close friends. You're right that I don't really want them knowing about this - we never want people thinking poorly of those we love, do we? However, I know that friends and family are also the people that I will need to turn to if things ever get too bad.

I go to a baby group run by community nurses (live in Canada) and I was considering talking to one of the nurses about it. I know that they will know about addiction councilling and helplines. I haven't broached the subject when talking to dh, but I have mentioned 'third parties' getting involved. I guess I should stop tip-toeing around it. All this stress will put me into an early grave

As to the best friend. I'd love it if dh stopped being friend's with him, but I'm not going to ask him to give up his mates. I just don't really like the guy, who takes pride in constantly cheating on his girlfriend of three years, is always talking about his gun collection, and then there's the blatant disregard for dh's quitting attempts. Gee, I don't make him sound like a great guy do I? I think dh is still mates with him because they've known each other since high school, and dh is a little too socially anxious to make new friends quickly (unless under the influence of something).

Woops, another long post

GoodGollyMissMolly Sun 05-Aug-07 07:05:17

That is a very good idea to broach the subject with your community nurse. A good chat to her will help you to ease your own anxiaties (sp?).
Your DH sounds like he realises how destructive his addiction is to him, but maybe not how destructive it is to you. Like you said in your OP, you have a 9mo ds who you dont want to grow in this environment with his dad smoking pot.

I think that maybe it would be beneficial to write down how it makes you feel in a letter to your DH, put down all your worries and stresses and anxiaties (sp?) and tell him that as much as you want to support him, you yourself need to know that he is going to support you. That way if he ever feels like slipping back into his habbit he can refer to your letter.
He obviously doesn't want to cause you untold stress and worry, and maybe if he had this real life letter to refer to it may help himsee how destructive his addiction is for his family.

His friend sounds like a complete and utter W*ER tbh and your DH would be better out of the 'friendship'. Even though your Dh has know him since high school this guy has obviously not grown up since becoming the age of 15!!!! It isn't about how long you have known someone it is about the quality of the friendship. Although I suspect that until your DH has dealt with his addiction he will be unable to see his 'friend' for what he really is.

Keep posting because I'm sure someone with more knowledge and advice will be along soon.

(Again I apologise for any typos and spellings )

bcsnowpea Sun 05-Aug-07 07:13:44

Your a champ Miss Molly, your words really do start to clarify what's swirling around in my mind.
I like your idea of writing to him, as my thoughts are always much clearer, and much more trustworthy when they're down on paper. To tell you the truth, I'm also a bit of a woose when it comes to vocal confrontation, or discussion about confronting topics.

GoodGollyMissMolly Sun 05-Aug-07 07:21:15

I am the same I hate trying to talk it out I can never seem to get my point accross and I just end up confusing DH. I always find writing down my thoughts and feelings and giving this to my DH lets him know what the problem is and the added benefit is that DH knows what is expected of him.
My DH has said he prefers it as he doesn't feel the need to be a mind reader, I think this isthe main reason that DH and I dont argue much.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, I will keep checking in

Gingermonkey Sun 05-Aug-07 07:30:40

Oh, you poor thing! An addiction is an addiction whether it's pot, alcohol, or heroin and the thought of it would make anyone stressed and upset. I can totally understand why you feel like you want to vomit.
I'm with missmolly about having a chat with a community nurse, she will have more of an idea of how to deal with the addiction or access to information regarding getting help.
You may find that eventually he will abandon his friend, my brother was a big pot smoker when he was younger and couldn't quit without walking away from his group of friends. Like your DH he found friendships hard to make and had little confidence in himself. Fortunately he was able to move away and start a new life which made it easier.
Your DH has made the first few steps in the effort to quit, and has done well. He will get there, and with gentle encouragement from you (a letter would be a good way to tell him how you feel - he can carry it round with him and use it as something to lean on).
Thinking of you

bcsnowpea Sun 05-Aug-07 07:34:16

It's time to sleep. I shouldn't let this ruin my night, or tomorrow for being exhausted. Thanks for the advice. I will write a letter. I'll let you know how it goes.

GoodGollyMissMolly Mon 06-Aug-07 12:11:02

Hi Bcsnowpea,
Just checking back in.
How are you doing today, hope you are feeling better within yourself.

Take Care

bcsnowpea Wed 08-Aug-07 18:31:00

Just wanted to thank you for posting.
We went camping the next day. That night, sitting around the campfire, after ds was asleep, dh told me that he was craving. We ended up having a long chat. He apologised for lying and said that was never what he wanted to do. I kept quite positive, and we both felt much better by the time we went to bed. Let's hope it continues!
DH also told be that the night before (when he visited with bestfriend but DIDN'T SMOKE - YAY!) that his bestfriend had told dh that he should 'set me straight'. I'm glad dh told me this, he was being honest with me about the pressures he's getting. Made me want to punch his best mate in the face! Instead, I told dh that I never wanted to be the kind of wife to ask her husband to change, but that this was important enough to me and to our life that I had to do it. He seemed to accept that.
I'll be seeing the hv today, so I'll find out about any addiction counselling etc and then broach the issue with dh when I'm comfortable.

Your support was invaluable, let's hope I don't need it again anytime soon

GoodGollyMissMolly Wed 08-Aug-07 20:41:07

Hi Bcsnowpea,
It's good to hear that you are feeling a little better. Good on your DH for not smoking when he went to visit his friend. This is at least showing that he is trying and willing to work on his addiction. When he told you that it must have made you so happy with him.

You are obviously a very caring person to be so calm, positive and understanding with your DH. I sense from what you have written that your DH knows this and it is probably one of the main factors that is going to get him through this addiction.
You are a very strong person by the sounds of it, you are going to be able to bring your family through this bump in the road and your lives will be somuch more positive for it. Well done to you

TBH I want to punch your DH's friend in the face for you!! I cant believe that he told your Dh to 'set you straight'!!!!!!! Your DH's so called friend is such a prat who needs to grow up!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo angry {angry] with him on your behalf.

Good luck with the HV, and hope that she can offer you the support for yourself and your DH.
As you know MN is always here if you need to talk again.


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