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Morning After Pill when DH thinks we're 'Trying'

(29 Posts)
benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 18:45:34

First ever post in relationships. Don’t know where to start really.
My DH is by Mumsnet terms an angel. He’s a massively hands on Dad, does more childcare than me (both work FT, he works shifts). I’m by nature very lazy and he lets me get away with it (to an extent). He does all the cleaning, food shopping & cooking when he’s home.
I think a large part of our relationship issues are caused by not spending any quality time together. We have been out on our own in the evening just once in the past 2 years, we’ve sort of lost touch with the couple we were pre DC I think.
I spend a LOT of evenings on my own, probably 5/7. Three weekends out of four I’m solo parenting. Pre DC this sort of worked as I’d use that time to socialise with friends, now I can’t leave the house as easily, we both tend to make our social plans when the other is home to babysit. Consequently we see even less of each other and less of our friends although TBH he doesn’t have many.
I really enjoy going to work (although my current job isn’t that great) mainly for the social side of it, and if I’m honest male attention. It’s kind of reminded me I’ve still ‘got it’. We never have sex, he suffers from premature ejaculation which wasn’t an issue when we had more time for foreplay but now it’s so few and far between it’s over in seconds and really I get nothing out of it.
He wants another baby. I always wanted 2 children but now the combination of kind of getting my life back and not being that happy with him has put me off, I think it would make things worse.
We had sex last night and I’m ovulating. I panicked today and went and got emergency contraception which I can’t tell him about- he wouldn’t understand. He thinks we’re trying for a baby. I had 3 early miscarriages last year which I think is also impacting on my broodiness or lack of it. And I really like wine. I think I’ve become too selfish and we’ve forgotten how to be a couple. HELP.

Musti Sun 18-Aug-19 09:28:49

You don't have to go out to spend time together. Buy a board game or something that you would both enjoy and requires some interaction and do it when your baby is asleep. Something other than watching something.

Have friends over instead of going out, so you socialise together.

Build up spending and enjoying spending time together.

FireBloodAndIce Sun 18-Aug-19 07:17:42

Thanks Bender, i hope if you decide you want dc2 you get it. That sounds good that you're going to talk to dh and you have an idea of what you want. Sorry to bombard you with questions, some will be reliant on what your dh will do too so hard to answer now.

I don't believe it's selfish to grab small pleasures or you time. In fact i think it's a necessity. I think you've ended up with too much you time, lonely time when he's always on shift, which you cant really enjoy like real you time. It's telling that you say about you arent sure about dc2 because of how things are. It sounds like times taken a toll, you are both in a rut but maybe if you can get back to how you are you'll feel that want again? Even if not wanting dc2 you would be happier out of the rut.

benderinabun Sat 17-Aug-19 07:52:37

Thanks Fire. Sorry for your losses too. Lots of questions to ask myself! I think my main issue is I don’t know the answer to most of the pertinent one (do I want another child at all)?
The sex & flirting bit I don’t think is that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, it’s more a symptom of my unhappiness at home that I’m picking up on things where I wouldn’t normally. I would never ever have an affair but I do find other men attractive now when I didn’t used to.
I definitely need to get my head straight before I talk to him, I don’t want to have to take the MAP again.
And I need to make some changes too. Focus on home and less on work and my friends- I only go out about once a month but there are a lot of messaging groups etc and I sort of feel DH & I have forgotten how to communicate with each other normally.
I do think if our relationship was back to what it was then I would be desperate for baby number 2, as it stands I am loathe to give up the small pleasures I have now (this is the selfish side of me I think) which mainly consists of going to work and spending time with friends. But I would be happy to make those sacrifices if my home life was more enjoyable.

FireBloodAndIce Sat 17-Aug-19 07:28:49

You call yourself lazy, are you lazy or stuck in a rut with no motivation? Its best not to bring another baby in a struggling relationship so you made the best choice there. Im sorry for your losses, I've had myself (am slightly older than you) and it's horrible. Age is a factor statistically but not everyone older will struggle or struggle repeatedly. You could possible have another but only if you want one.

You definitely need an honest conversation but before that you need to decide what you want and what you are willing and able to do so he can make his choices too.

The premature ejaculation- putting a strain on your sex life? A big factor or not so big?
The attention at work, not a good sign, possibility of it leading to an affair or just flirtation?
The lack of time together, sounds like a big one, can you dh change his hours/job? Can you compromise and consider a babysitter too?
The stuff you say you are lazy with, can you get more time together if you werent lazy and worked together?
TTC, do you want Another child or just a delay?

benderinabun Sat 17-Aug-19 07:15:51

I have suggested this previously Mini. I think when DS starts school next year he'll really miss seeing him if he's not around at weekends. Will mention it again when we have the chat.

MiniTheMinx Sat 17-Aug-19 07:09:15

Can he change jobs? I'd say shift work kills family time and relationships. Instead of keeping regular comparable hours you end up living very separate lives in different time zones. I know, I do shifts. When I worked two 14 he days it was fine. Now I'm working 3 and working any combination of days it's starting to impact negatively.

BIWI Sat 17-Aug-19 07:02:56

Was that really necessary, @crestar? hmm

This is the relationships board, not AIBU. A bit of empathy and constructive advice would have been more helpful.

Hopoindown31 Sat 17-Aug-19 06:58:27

You've got yourselves into a rut and you have been through some tough times recently. Have the conversations and turn back towards each other with some quality time together. There will be better times ahead.

crestar Fri 16-Aug-19 23:11:54

Me, me, me, me ,me.

I agree - it sounds like you are selfish. And extremely high maintenance.

Hardly surprising your poor DH is having difficulties. People pick up on these sort of things,

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 21:35:42

Thanks Ella and BIWI.
He works shifts which means he's not around much in the evenings/weekends, he's either at work or asleep basically.
Yes I think an honest chat** about not TTC for a bit (although maybe I won't mention the MAP at this point) and a plan to spend more time together is key. Budget does allow for a babysitter but DS is my PFB and only likes Mummy to do bedtime which is entirely of my own making, I know I don't help myself. Thank you for appreciating that adult time is important whether with DH or friends. I feel very lonely at times, especially at weekends.

BIWI Fri 16-Aug-19 21:15:05

This really stood out for me:

I spend a LOT of evenings on my own, probably 5/7. Three weekends out of four I’m solo parenting.

Why is this? What is he doing that means you're never actually spending time together? No wonder you don't have any kind of relationship!

EllaEllaE Fri 16-Aug-19 21:10:32

If you can afford it, can you get a weekly or fortnightly babysitter? So the two of you can spend more time together, and/or so you can go out on your own to connect with friends. I sympathize with the thing of being stuck home at night on your own, when your partner is working. If there is any room in your budget, having just one evening a fortnight to go out and be an adult by yourself (or together) can make a huge difference.

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 20:23:01

Thanks Bobs. Lots to think about. I know I'm not being fair and I'm not naturally a deceptive person, just confused, hence me posting.

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 20:21:49

Pinkbonbon I guess the hard bit of the conversation isn't 'I don't want a baby' it's 'I don't want a baby because I'm unhappy in our relationship'. Don't want this to sound like a drip feed but at the miscarriage clinic last year they cited my age as an issue so there is a bit of pressure there if we do want another baby ever. We don't have loads of time (I'm 38).

bobsyourauntie Fri 16-Aug-19 20:02:58

You are not being fair to your DH at all. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about not TTC and about your future relationship. By your own admission you are lazy. By your own admission you are enjoying male attention at work. It is not selfish to not want another child, but it is selfish to keep him believing that it might happen.

Your DH deserves so much better than this and you know it. You need to sort out some childcare and some time together, or stay at home together more if you truly want a relationship and a marriage with him. You don't have to go out with your friends when he is home, stay home and spend some time with him instead.

If you don't want to , then leave him and give him a chance to be happy with somebody else, and also of course, give yourself a chance to find somebody that you actually want to be with.

Pinkbonbon Fri 16-Aug-19 19:51:39

'I don't want another baby anytime soon'. What is there not to understand about that. If he actually had a problem with this, I'd be showing him the door. You need to update him with your change of heart.

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 19:48:54

Yes I agree Soosie thank you

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 19:47:48

And to try to explain the dynamic I guess. I am lazy and a bit selfish, I don't think he gets a lot out of our relationship either. Although he's a very practical person and I'm more of an emotional over thinker I suppose.

Soosiesue Fri 16-Aug-19 19:47:05

I don’t think you should tell him you got the MAP this time, but you need to tell him ASAP that you don’t want to try. You can’t keep getting the MAP. Then you need to sit down with him and work out what to do about your relationship

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 19:42:22

He does the cleaning and childcare when I'm at work and he's on his (mid week) days off Angela, and he cooks dinner while I do bedtime when he is off. Thank you for the suggestion though smile
I suppose I made that point to try to avoid any LTB responses.

AngelasAshes Fri 16-Aug-19 19:37:40

“He’s a massively hands on Dad, does more childcare than me (both work FT, he works shifts). I’m by nature very lazy and he lets me get away with it (to an extent). He does all the cleaning, food shopping & cooking when he’s home.
I think a large part of our relationship issues are caused by not spending any quality time “

If you helped more with childcare and housework, then he’d have time to spend with you. You are causing the lack of quality time.

benderinabun Fri 16-Aug-19 19:28:56

Thank you everyone for responding, I appreciate you taking the time to do so and not judging! Reading it back it was a bit of a garbled post. Relationships are complex and it's hard to get it all down in words.
Re loving him, I think so. He's my family and I love him in that way. Sexually less so than before but it's been 13 years so I think that's normal. I don't feel that close to him anymore though. And I could imagine life without him and it isn't awful. The idea of life without my DS full time though is, so I'd like to make it work.

PennyNotSoWise Fri 16-Aug-19 19:25:32

I don't think anyone could judge you for taking the MAP, but you don't sound very happy in your marriage, and I think you owe it to your husband to discuss this with him.

Do you still love him? Because your post reads a little like you've had enough maybe and want something different. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just life's too short OP to be sticking around if your heart isn't in it anymore.

BertieBotts Fri 16-Aug-19 19:19:11

I don't think I would tell him about the MAP, just tell him you're having second thoughts about TTC and you're feeling anxious about it and you want to take a break until things are a bit clearer on X, Y, Z front.

FlightofAV Fri 16-Aug-19 19:14:32

You made a wise decision there. So many people I know IRL whose marriages are in trouble, yet they think it's a great idea to have a second child.

Not sure what the answer is, I often feel the same, barely see my husband some weeks. We also both work and are often on completely different schedules. We only have one child and another one would have an extremely bad effect on us as a couple and also as individuals.

Having said that, the sex is still good (when it happens). This seems like the elephant in the room in your relationship.

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