Cheated on and now a cheater

[Sleepathon]

8 weeks ago I found the Kik app on DH phone. We have been together 12 years. Turns out he’d been on the group chats there, ended up meeting a woman who performed a sex act on him. It was once. I didn’t find any evidence of the sex act, DH was very forthcoming and spilled all. I’ve asked question after question and had answers to them. He is remorseful etc (happened last year when I was 5 months pregnant with baby number 2 - usual pattern 🙄)

I asked him to leave etc and at the moment I am seeing how things are. He is mostly at home now but I do still occasionally ask him to go when I need space. His reasons for going on Kik were that we were in separate bedrooms as toddler DD was in bed with me, he had depression due to loss of a job (but not excusing his behaviour whatsoever), he was lonely, we never had couple time (true), it was escapism. He is currently in counselling and trying to make things right.

Now. From the hurt or whatever I decided to download a dating app. Well it certainly opened my eyes (so many local married men on it!) It sure if it was due to curiosity, attention or what.
I have ended up meeting a man. Have seen him 3 times now and we have had a great time, sometimes I feel guilty but mostly I don’t feel anything. It’s terribly exciting and I can’t wait to see him again.

Thing is I don’t believe my marriage is over. I do see myself spending the rest of my life with DH. So why the fuck am I doing this? I think I’m justifying it to myself due to DH behaviour. I know it’s wrong. But a part of me is thinking life is too short. I don’t want a relationship with this man, it’s sex and it’s a bit of fun.

It’s all a big cliche.

Come on MN words of wisdom. I can’t be the only person in this position?!

[Hadjab]

Prepare to be flamed 🔥

[MidgetRed]

I'm sorry for what your H did to you (especially when you have a young child), however you aren't going to like the vast majority of responses (I suspect).

I don't have a view on whether you should stay in your marriage or not - this is something that only you can decide, and you must do so on the basis of either forgiveness of your husband's actions, or leaving on the basis that you find such an act impossible to forgive.

But in either case, whether you leave or stay, I think you surely must see the hypocrisy and immorality in your actions. To do to your husband as has been done to you is, simply, vengeful, and whilst it might make you feel good in the short term, will eventually hurt everyone involved (you, by having to come clean at some point, your husband, who could choose to walk away, especially if he is now trying to be better and re-dedicate himself to his family, and your Dd, should she ever find out).

I get the need to have revenge, truly, but such feelings don't make us feel better in the long term, and are often destructive. Please don't carry on with this affair, and either work on your marriage (counselling really is excellent), or leave your marriage and take time to figure out what you truly want.

All the best x

[CursedDiamond]

Morality aside (I'm sure others will step in for that), this won't help you sort out the problems in your relationship. The problem is that this is displacement activity - it's something that feels good in the immediate instance. It's fun, it's ego boosting, and there's an endorphin rush. Plus the general excitement of it feeling a bit illicit.

The problem is, it's also not 'real', and you can therefore use it to genuinely escape the reality of a difficult relationship. fixing a broken relationship takes time and effort, and requires mental space. If you want to fix it, you can't be escaping it.

So, i'm not judging you for your behaviour. But I am saying that if you want to fix your marriage, this isn't going to help.

[Imjustsolost]

I really don’t think you were thinking and tbh think yours is worse then your husbands actions! He met a woman once, yet you’ve met the man three times and probably will more! And no I don’t think anyone else would be in this position! You either leave if you can’t get over it or work on the marriage. I think it’s worse as your DH is going to counselling to get better while you’re off doing this!

[P1218120699]

What goes around, comes around 🤷‍♀️. I get it. It's easy to feel like a victim when you've been cheated on and cheating yourself can be empowering when you've been treated like shit. If you truly want to save your relationship, put a stop to it now and work on your relationship.

[MummyOfTwo92]

This won't help fix your marriage.
It will probably cause trust issues between you both. Although you probably already feel that anyway. No trust, no relationship.

I never understand the "I love DH but I'm cheating" you wouldn't cheat on someone you love and hurt them like that.

That's just my opinion OP.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's like an eye for an eye, basically.
You've been truly hurt.
You were looking after HIS toddler and then pregnant with a 2nd child of HIS and he went off and cheated on you.
That's an awful fucking thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
The hurt you feel is huge and overwhelming at the betrayal.
You feel inadequate, otherwise, why did he do it?
Etc.... etc.....
So now you are looking for some kind of validation that you are still attractive.
However, you know this will end in tears.
If you really do want to work on your marriage then you already know what to do.

Please get yourself into counselling.
Deceit like this knocks your confidence and self-esteem so much, we don't even realise it's happening.
If you aren't using protection then I suggest you get an STI check quick sharp.

But end it with this man and get some head space.
Decide what YOU really want for your future.
Then work towards it.

[P1218120699]

P.S it's very rare that cheaters admit the full extend of their cheating. Your husband may have been forthcoming with information but I'd put my money on that there were more to it.

[ABadlyShavedYeti]

You are doing it because you want to feel flattered, sexy, attractive and desired.

Your self esteem has taken a battering and you are looking for validation.

I totally get you though. My DP has had an EA, it has killed me, i have had thoughts of having an EA to even the score as such but i am not like that, i cant bring myself to do it.

You need to stop this now as if you DH finds out he might not be as forgiving as you and could leave.

[Fizzpopwhizzbang]

I'm sorry but I think your marriage might well be over OP. You've both cheated now, the trust is gone. Sounds like you weren't close or communicating well even before your DH cheated.

You've seen this new man several times and can't wait to see him again. If you said it happened once and felt guilty about it then I would say maybe there is a chance, but you seem to be really enjoying this fling.

Obviously only you and your DH truly know what's going on in your marriage, but from what you've said here it really sounds like it's over.

[ems137]

I do totally get why you did what you've done but it's only going to make your marriage worse. My husband has done lots of things to me over the years and I have definitely thought about giving him a taste of his own medicine but I never have. Only because I can see it just won't achieve anything.

Two wrongs don't make a right and if you want your marriage to work then you need to stop.

[Pretendapony]

You don’t love each other, this is no marriage to be in. Neither of you can be trusted!

[Flerkin]

So you have decided to make your marriage work and then started shagging someone else?

You say you dh is in counselling and trying to repair the damage he has done?

How can he while you are causing more damage?

That's like trying to do up a house. While he is working in one room, you are going round a putting holes in the rooms that have already been finished?

What you are doing is no better that what he did. So why arent you in counselling?

[RantyAnty]

Do you still consider yourself separated from your DH?

[Parent999]

Stick a fork in it. Your marriage is done.

Shame you couldn't just walk away with some class.

This isn't high school, you have children!!!

[AusFrosty]

What will happen if your DH finds out ?

All very well you saying you don’t see your marriage ending, but it will blow up in a spectacular way if he finds out.

Also, make no mistake, you will be cast as the villain, sexting is one thing, repeatedly f**king randoms on the internet is another.

You will divorce, and in a few years time, you will answering the “why aren’t mummy and daddy together anymore” question.

Might be fun now, not so much fun later on.

PS Different equation if you are splitting up - in which case, suggest you get a move on and separate properly.

[Mythreefavouritethings]

You may see yourself spending the rest of your life with DH but you won’t be faithful if you don’t address this. You sound bored, resentful and angry. You’re coasting and blocking out what is right in front of you. I’d probably be sitting down and saying we have a problem here and thinking about what can be done, but keep your head in the sand and enjoy the excitement if that’s what you want. Like an alcoholic or anyone seeking a short term buzz, though, you aren’t in control here and you will have to face that at some point.

[dailydaze]

Firstly, unless people have been in your shoes... they can't judge. So the moral police are not helpful - I'm sure you know its wrong and thats not what you need to be told. I also believe a lot of those moral police only believe they know what they would do because they haven't been in the position. Different living it that talking about it.

Anyway, I can relate in a way to what you're going through. I think you need to try and figure out why you are doing it... is it the feeling of being wanted? The excitement of newness? Just be prepared for the come down... and typically there is one. My advice would be, start to back away before things go any further. Do you plan on telling him/ is there a possibility that he may find out?

[Musti]

I completely understand why you did it and in a way may help you cope with his cheating because you've also done it but despite that you realise you love and want him.

I'm not sure how either of you will be able to trust each other again though. Maybe both of you should be completely open and have some therapy and see how you go. Also, I don't know if I would believe that it was just the once and just she performing a sex act on him...can't see many women meeting a random man to pleasure them?

[Otterhound]

Will you tell him?
The fact you don't feel anything but see yourself with your husband maybe indicates you want the status quo.


Two wrongs dont make a right, lets face it, it was just sex for him too. Didnt stop it stinging like a bitch though did it?
Personally I’d tell him and then you can both decide what you want to do with your marriage.

[AusFrosty]

Edit:: Missed the bit about DH meeting up. Still, plenty of scope for things to go pear shaped

[Sleepathon]

Do you still consider yourself separated from your DH?
No I do not

To clarify about DHs cheating, he initially went on for dirty pics, to sex chat to women. He did this when I first met him. However he ended up talking to somebody local and they met up once. I do believe him, and it does seem rare that a woman met with a man the once to give him a BJ. He thought they’d initially meet for coffee and that it would lead on to things, but they ended up kissing in the car etc. If it’s relevant she was 50+ and he is late 30s. He suffers from esteem issues and yes there wasn’t much communication between us. They chatted a little more after the act but then she ignored him. I know they had kept talking he would have met her again, so his intention to meet was there.

I’m not blowing my trumpet but I’m a 30 odd year old good looking woman and my husband met an older woman in a car park: he even admits he didn’t really find her attractive but that it was the attention she gave him, the fact that she talked to him in the evenings on Kik and that they exchanged pictures. (He has mother issues which is part of his ongoing counselling)

But I know you are all absolutely right. I have done this because I wanted to feel desirable. Yes it’s exciting for someone to want me, chase me even. It is also about status quo - me and DH are even now aren’t we? Or maybe what I have done is much worse.

DH is a good man that I believe has made a bad mistake. I know he wants me or us and I had some failings prior to this mess. DH asked to spend time with me, just us as a couple and I did reject it often, due to tiredness from the children and generally could not be bothered! He was alone and depressed but it still does not excuse his behaviour for cheating on his pregnant wife. After the sex act he was still on Kik for many more months chatting to any random women asking for pictures:

I know I need to stop this. I don’t even want an affair. But sometimes it stops me from thinking about what my DH has done.

[Sleepathon]

Otterhound

No I do not plan on telling my husband at all.
But I guess for us to move forward I will have to.

[Parent999]

He told you about his mistake and was fully open and upfront about it. Youll need to do the same but I honestly cant see the marriage work. I know couples who have survived infidelity. I have never ever seen or heard of a couple that survived both partners cheating. Anyone else?

[HolaVida]

The only option is for you to tell him and both agree to counselling together. It’s untenable to think the marriage could survive the deceit of you not owning up.

There’s likely a long road ahead, Op, but if you’re both committed to making it work, you can.