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Am I being unreasonable? Advice desperately needed

(146 Posts)
bethsmith024 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:06:50

I desperately need advice off some strangers instead of people who know me and tell me what I feel is just what I want to hear.
My partner of 2 and a half years has recently bought a house, he put down around a 80k deposit. I live in a rented property with my 5 year old and have lived here for 6 years.
I am not on my boyfriends mortgage due to having no deposit however I have had a steady income for the last 5 years.
He has raised my son like he would his own and even more so since his dad walked out, he always tells me we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and we're in a very good and happy relationship. However I have a huge issue with not being on the mortgage to 'our' house. I feel that a deed of trust to say that I wouldn't be entitled to any of the money he put down will have been sufficient enough for him to be ok with putting me on the mortgage. He hasn't had me attend any meetings or appointments involving the house he has taken his mother along instead, I don't feel I have been involved in any part of it and I have had constant doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing in moving from my home with my son, to go somewhere with no security for myself, he could literally ask me to leave and I would have to.
Today he went back to the solicitor and told me that even though I'm not on the mortgage I still have to sign some form of document to say I have no rights to any part of the house or the money he has put down. Completely understandable that he wants to protect his assets but where is mine and my sons protection?
Am I right to be angry about not being on the mortgage and am I doing the right thing by leaving behind everything I know to move in with him despite it being nothing to do with me?
I hope you can help as I'm at a complete loose end!!!

fedup21 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:10:18

Are you planning to give up your rented flat and move into his house?

fedup21 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:11:01

Why are you at a loose end?

Mintypea5 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:12:04

Is this a house for you both to live in? Is he expecting you to contribute to the mortgage?

My MIL was made to sign a similar document by fil in similar circumstances when they first moved in together.

Summerunderway Wed 14-Aug-19 16:14:19

Stay in your own home op.
I gave up my rented house to live in ex's mortgaged place.
We split up and I had to start over...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 14-Aug-19 16:17:07

I do understand why you are nervous about uprooting yourself and your son to live somewhere with no security whatsoever. And I would stay put if I were you.

However, I also understand why DP is protecting his assets. Is he expecting you to contribute financially if you move in? If so, do not sign as it sounds as if you could be contributing to the mortgage for 10 years, then you could break up, you'd have to move out and you'd have nothing to show for it (but he would have had a nice chunk of his mortgage paid off, by you).

The fact he hasn't asked you to attend any meetings but just presented your with a 'fait accompli' sounds a bit shady and also very rude.

I think you should seek legal/financial advice of your own and do not move in with him in the meantime.

Zampa Wed 14-Aug-19 16:18:06

If you're planning on moving in with him and contributing towards the mortgage, you should have a right to your contribution back if you move out after a split plus any increase in capital on your share.

If he won't shift on this point then you shouldn't pay any rent and then save the equivalent in a high interest account until you can afford your own place.

bethsmith024 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:24:16

Yes I am, Its a house in a good area, I'm right across the road from my mum and good friends with my next door neighbour, I'm a stone throw from where I work and my sons school whereas where he has just bought a house I'm a fair bit down the road.

bethsmith024 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:27:40

Also he was expecting me to contribute but I said no if nothing is in my name. So he is happy for me to live there and pay off some debts and save some money. However I feel it is the principal of the fact that if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone is this the road you would go down? Although his family are amazing with my son and have taken him on like they would his own grandson they are making it clear that the new house is his and his only. We haven't been involved in any part of it

Namechangeforthiscancershit Wed 14-Aug-19 16:29:09

All adults who aren't on the mortgage would need to sign to say they'll move out on sale. As far as I know that's normal.

It doesn't sound like you really want to leave your current place? It does sound quite perfect.

QueenEnid Wed 14-Aug-19 16:30:03

Just because you have no deposit it doesn't mean you can't be on the mortgage! You would just draw up a deed of trust to determine the shares.

Was buying a house together ever a discussion?

I can completely understand where both of you are coming from. If I was your OH I would be doing the same thing. But then, if I was buying a house and expecting my partner to move in, I would want us both to own it.

It seems weird to me that effectively you're moving into his home with no say over it. It's almost like he wants to be single and have his own responsibilities but then wants a relationship on the side. But that's not how it works.

I think you need a serious talk.

Pogmella Wed 14-Aug-19 16:30:20

You need to get married

Bluntness100 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:31:01

So you want to live there rent free? In his house?

Ok then.

BertrandRussell Wed 14-Aug-19 16:32:58

What are you expected to contribute to the house?

Sisterlove Wed 14-Aug-19 16:33:09

Your uprooting your son to live with him? Any plans to get married? Have you discussed any future plans as a couple?

I don't see why you need to sign anything if you aren't on the mortgage and haven't had a say in it.

I see why he wants to protect his assets, that makes sense.

What kind of security are you expecting if he owns the house and pays the mortgage?

bethsmith024 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:35:27

We have never really discussed buying a house together he just randomly decided to start viewing houses one day, I went along however I never had any say in any property. Whatever I felt was right for us he didn't and 30 houses and 1 year later he finally put an offer down on what we both deemed perfect. Just in need of a massive renovation. I just don't know what to do I don't feel comfortable moving in with him knowing it's not mine. He has also told me once before that it is his house and it will never be mine and I'll never have a say on it. If it was just me I would move in and take the risk however there is a child involved who could potentially be left homeless if he were to ask me to leave

Fontofnoknowledge Wed 14-Aug-19 16:35:48

This is why marriage is important. If he wants to 'spend the rest of his life with you' then he won't mind getting married. If he doesn't- then he only wants to live with you and protect his assets with a housekeeper , ready made family and lover but with no financial risk.
It's a second-class relationship. Marriage says 'I want you and I want to share it all'. Living together says 'I love you on condition my money is mine'.

Without marriage I wouldn't budge.

Sisterlove Wed 14-Aug-19 16:36:09

So he is happy for me to live there and pay off some debts and save

Does this mean you only contribute towards bills and food?

XJerseyGirlX Wed 14-Aug-19 16:36:26

I really wouldn't OP. He is basically asking you to give up your independence but offering you nothing in return. Stand your ground, tell him he will be moving in on his own. Or live there, save some money and buy a place of your own to rent out thats just in your name but dont give up everything for a man that wont do the same for you.

RatherBeRiding Wed 14-Aug-19 16:36:37

Has marriage ever been discussed? Doesn't sound like he's taking this "we'll be together forever" stuff all that seriously.

CanIhelpyouatall Wed 14-Aug-19 16:36:54

He is expecting you to sign a disclaimer so he can kick you out if he feels like it.

Stay in your own home op.
I gave up my rented house to live in ex's mortgaged place.
We split up and I had to start over...

^ Happened to me too, I had 2 children with my ex and we have all had to move out. Social housing is like rocking horse poo where I live, I have had to privately rent near DCs oversubscribed secondary school so she can walk as I am working in the morning.

fedup21 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:37:48

Don’t move in with him then.

bethsmith024 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:38:10

He lives in my house completely rent and bill free whilst he has been saving his arse off to then leave and let me uproot my life to live with him with no form of security. Is that 'ok then' do you think?

Sisterlove Wed 14-Aug-19 16:40:35

Based on your last post, you should stay where you are.

He wants you both as family, but still sees himself as a single unit.

Perhaps he feels you don't bring much to the relationship and that he is the one who would be financially disadvantaged.

I don't see why he wants you to move it really. Is it to do the housework and make life easy for him?

Bookworm4 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:42:45

He has also told me once before that it is his house and it will never be mine and I'll never have a say on it.
Charming yet has been living free with you to enable the house purchase??
I’d let him go, using dickhead.

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