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Am I waiting around for my marriage to end?

(58 Posts)
DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 14:37:25

I think my DH has checked out of our marriage. The problem is, I have opened up very good lines of communication with him IMO and he swears blind that our marriage is fine and that he loves me. He even told me that I am asking him the same question until I get the answer I want from him (which would be "no, I don't love you and it's over") some kind of reverse psychology hmm I think there is something very, very wrong here and I have put my heart and openness on the line with him. Been together 2 decades and have teenagers.

What would you think if your 50-year old husband:

Increased the amount of corporate travel he does. He does a lot of European travel and it is now about 10 days a month.

On top of this increased the amount of nights out he has.

Joined a gym and health club next to his work but didn't tell me. I just get the sweaty clothes in a bag to wash. Goes to the health club and gets his back and chest, ears, nose etc. waxed. I didn't even know he does this. Sometimes he leaves his work computer here and if I lift the flap his appointments come up on the screen before the login (which is password protected and can't take a look) and I can see his gym classes and hair removal appointment!

Took off his wedding ring 3 months ago as it "gets in the way".

Used to watch TV with me, cuddle up on sofa, now sits in opposite chair or other room.

Never once asks me what I have been doing.

My spider senses are up and I can clearly see there is an issue here. We've argued, I've cried and I've been very, very honest with him about I think there is something going on, what's up with him etc. He swears blind there is nothing going on and he loves me. So, WTF.

I can find no evidence whatsoever of a tangible affair and he has passed me his phone and other devices to look at. Still, I feel as if I am waiting around for something to happen and I feel stupid. I have DC to look after and other stuff going on and I feel like I am in limbo with his behaviour.

I feel like I am sitting around waiting for my marriage to end. I don't want it to, but I am slowly eroding. If something comes out I am going to feel like a grade A fool having been lied to for ages and I am not sure I will recover from that. I sound paranoid don't I, but please read list above!

Any advice? I feel like I am going mad.

Courtney555 Wed 14-Aug-19 14:40:38

Took off his wedding ring 3 months ago as it "gets in the way"

That's the answer right there.

I'm so sorry, but that's the clincher.

Hope you're as ok as you can be flowers

DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 14:41:08

My main problem here is that I feel vulnerable, as if he is holding all the cards and I feel trapped.

Courtney555 Wed 14-Aug-19 14:42:01

How do you feel he is holding all the cards? What does he have over you so to speak?

HollowTalk Wed 14-Aug-19 14:43:01

Follow the money trail. He can't have an affair without spending money. Do you share all bank and credit card accounts?

Simonfromharlow Wed 14-Aug-19 14:44:51

My ex did a lot of this stuff while telling me he still loved me. I kept asking and he said I paranoid etc. Then one day I asked and he said he didn't love me and was leaving. I wish he'd just been honest and told me long before he did.

isthismylifenow Wed 14-Aug-19 14:51:29

It sounds like a mid life crisis.

Taking off the wedding ring after 20 years is not a good sign i am afraid.

I could have written your post.

I am not married to him anymore.


Courtney555 Wed 14-Aug-19 14:57:14

It sounds like a mid life crisis.

I agree, a lot of it could have been placed in that camp, until...

Taking off the wedding ring after 20 years is not a good sign i am afraid.

...this, claiming that suddenly after 20yrs it "gets in the way."

ChechezLaVache Wed 14-Aug-19 14:58:47

This sounds intolerable. If he continues to insist that nothing is wrong but his behavior suggests otherwise, the only thing I can think of to bring matters to a head is some sort of joint counseling? Do you think he would agree to that?

DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 15:01:15

There is no trail. I've looked at all the finances and there is nothing extra there at all. He has nothing on his phone or other devices and I've looked for another phone. I don't believe he is clued up enough to hide an affair. What I do think is that some things have happened that make him realise how boring being married to me is whether that is a ONS, younger female colleagues in workplace etc.

I am a pretty good sleuth and can find nothing apart from his change in personality that even my relatives have noticed.

I feel like he holds all the cards as he is the only one who knows what is going on and he is the main breadwinner whilst I have a p/t role which allows me to do 100% of the parenting.

I really do not want to be that women whose DH had an affair for 2 years and dumped her from a great height with total callousness.

MrsMozartMkII Wed 14-Aug-19 15:02:50

I would take back control.

Using the MN saying, get your ducks in a row - what's your housing situation? Financial situation?

Decide what you want to do and what you want out if life.

NabooThatsWho Wed 14-Aug-19 15:04:13

Could he have a secret phone at work?

If he isn’t having an affair already, it does sound like he could be planning to have one.

Could you increase your work hours?

justasking111 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:06:52

My friends partner put the phone in the spare wheel cover. There will be a second phone. Google maps can show you where he goes and when I read on here somewhere.

My friend was driven almost mad by her OH in the end she started following him and found the love nest.

He may just have an enormous crush on someone at work so is doing the peacock thing to no avail so far.

Are you still enjoying a good sex life?

fandabbyfannyflutters Wed 14-Aug-19 15:09:24

If he hasn't cheated on you he's certainly planning to

justasking111 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:09:46

You could be really sneaky and say the house phone is ringing, when you know for sure he is on his way home and they hang up when you answer, make a joke of it and watch closely for his reaction. He would panic if he thought it was another woman.

DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 15:12:25

I would take back control

This is what I need for myself and also because that will shock him too I think. I'm not sure how to do it or if I have the strength.

My self esteem is shattered.
I've got a crap job now after being a SAHM for ages.
He earns a very good salary (think banker)
I have no evidence. I'm worried it's all in my head, but I know it's not. What I need is tangible evidence before I would have the strength to say "enough of this bullshit". I do think I am being majorly gaslighted.

Tips to take back control please when I feel I have none. At the moment I am doing extra lotteries to try and win some money and so I can say go FU.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 15:12:43

I am so sorry, this will be so hard to deal with but I think that is classic "cheating" behaviour or at least he is thinking of cheating. Putting in the effort to have yourself waxed and get buff is what you do when you're in a new relationship. Have you called him out on it? I know it is scary but have you actually gone up to him and asked him? To take off his wedding ring is the biggest warning sign.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:18:05

You need to get a full-time job as quickly as possible.

DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 15:22:48

mummy, I have TOTALLY called him out on it. Sorry for the caps, but I am trying to get across that I am not burying my head in the sand at all.

I totally get that getting buff + hair removal + wedding ring = alarm bells.

I had a 2-hour conversation with him about 2 months ago that went like this:

Look, if you've met someone else, had your head turned, it's OK. You just need to be honest. Have you been with anyone else? Do you like someone at work? - all no, I only want you.

Another conversation where I said that his behaviour is unreasonable and if he has met someone else he owes me the courtesy of letting me know so I can be set free and live my life. Again, all no, don't be so silly.

I've asked him outright who getting buff is for. He says he just likes to take care of himself.

Meanwhile I take one step closer to insanity.

DeputyDoog Wed 14-Aug-19 15:23:55

Last convo about this was about 2 weeks ago.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 14-Aug-19 15:24:57

I sound paranoid don't I
No you certainly don't.
These are all the signs of a MLC cheater!
I've no idea what to suggest as I too needed 'proof'
I did find mine though.
He seems to be covering his tracks well.

justasking111 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:30:45

Do you love him OP? Have you checked out in your own way.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Wed 14-Aug-19 15:31:26

Okay, @DeputyDoog, step away from the insanity. Tell yourself that you will not let this make you mad.

You will carry on with your life, get your ducks in a row, keep your eyes and ears open and eventually it will come out. It almost always does.

And then you can get angry for the lying and stringing you along. But you have to be strong for you now. And calm. He's already shown you that he is not going to tell you anything so stop asking.

I'm so sorry flowers

MrsMozartMkII Wed 14-Aug-19 15:33:42

To take back control is a mental shift.

Decide what you want. What are the dreams that you've not followed for whatever reason.

The finances will be sorted.

Speak with a solicitor so you know where you're at and what you might expect if you do split.

litterbird Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:39

OMG you poor thing, your hackles are up for a reason. I was left 4 years ago when my 50 year old partner a) spent 50k on a new sports car, b) joined a new gym c) increased his gym activity 10 fold d) changed his style of clothes c) became distant. I asked exactly the same things as you and got "I love you of course I am not seeing anyone else"...2 months later he left for the younger woman he met in the gym he joined. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in person for 4 years since he left. He is still with her I think. So, you are not going mad. He may just be going through the typical MLC a lot of men go through and has a crush on someone. He is preening himself for someone and sadly I dont think its for you. The wedding ring thing is the clincher for me. Keep alert and if you can try and make a plan if he does drop the bombshell. I didn't ever think my partner would do this to me and he did and I was in shock for so long when he just upped and left without a second look back. There are some men who do go through this and come out the other end remaining with their wives or partners. Give him space, stop asking about anything but be prepared for anything. So sorry you are going through consumed me for a long time.

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