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How to stop being a control freak

(6 Posts)
norestforthewicked123 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:17:37

So DH has informed me that he's not in love with me anymore and hasn't been happy in our marriage for years and it's partly because I've been too controlling.

He's given me some examples of times I've been controlling (or he's even called it bullying) but I see that as giving my opinion and I can recall several times when we've argued and I've said to him that he only wants my opinion when it's the same as his.

Having said that, after doing a little bit of research I can see that I am a textbook control freak...I like things done a certain way, I'm a perfectionist, I can be demanding and critical, often I'd rather do things myself than delegate, I have trouble relaxing etc. etc.
We both want to work through this and we've agreed to go to marriage counselling but obviously I can't change such a deeply embedded part of personality overnight.

I'll do whatever it takes and wondered about therapy but I'm not sure we can afford both marriage counselling and therapy.

Any suggestions on things I can try and do would be much appreciated? Perhaps there's a book one of you could recommend. TIA.

Freefrops Wed 14-Aug-19 11:20:50

Counselling?

Parent999 Wed 14-Aug-19 12:12:35

I would take it a little at a time. Ask him to prioritise things that are important to him and start at the top of the list.
I was in a very controlling relationship, I had to ask if I could have a shower. She claimed it was because she thought it was selfish to use the hot water when she might want a shower, so she wanted me to "check with her" but when she regularly said no because she wants a shower soon it became too much. Choose something like this and make a conscious effort to leave it up to him. See how it makes you feel when he doesnt do it your way, you'll need to explain these feelings to the therapist.

norestforthewicked123 Wed 14-Aug-19 13:23:22

Thanks @Freefrops @Parent999.
I don't know whether our priority should be joint counselling or individual. He has issues too. I was thinking if I could find a good self-help book that I could work on myself and do the relationship counselling together.
And how do we find the right counsellor? I can't exactly put it on Facebook ('asking for a friend'). If anyone has any experience they could share I'd appreciate it.

Parent999 Wed 14-Aug-19 13:29:17

If you do a google search for therapist in your area you can go to a couple and choose one like you would a car. I suggest doing it together, as a team. If you do it separately then I think it creates the mindset it’s only one persons problem.

Do not go to relate

noego Wed 14-Aug-19 16:36:49

Mindful meditation classes. Find a good one though.

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