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Should he have told me?

(19 Posts)
PerspectivePleaseEh Wed 14-Aug-19 10:45:04

My DH and I were at a family wedding (his) he introduced me to a "friend" from back in the day. She'd just moved to the village we live in. We have kids about the same age. So me being me I invite her and her partner to check out our local and nice walks ect we could all do. After the wedding I discovered that she was an old girlfriend/ they messes about.

Now here is where I need some perspective. Should he have told me? He still hasn't mentioned that she was his ex and funnily enough we haven't heard from her as who wants to hang out with their ex? I just feel abit put out that she knows who i am and I had no idea they have history. I think he should have been honest to who she was. I'm not bothered that he has ex girlfriends after all we all have a past and he married me. But I just feel you should be honest? Or has it not occurred to him that he should have told me?

I feel so pathetic but I just feel he has not been honest with me.

NameChangeNugget Wed 14-Aug-19 10:57:18

It seems like such a non-event from back in the day. Maybe that’s why he’s not said anything

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 14-Aug-19 10:59:49

If you met an old FWB at a family wedding, would you want go be introduced to their partner and everyone within hearing distance as “this is Perspective, we used to sleep together.”?

It wouldn’t occur to me to tell a partner about the exact relationship that everyone I introduced them to had ever had to me. Perhaps it hasn’t to him; or perhaps he suspects if he did it would open a whole can of arguments between the two of you because as much as you claim it doesn’t bother you that he has a sexual past, it clearly does or you wouldn’t be dwelling so much on a very brief meeting between the two of them which clearly isn’t going to happen again.

TheStoic Wed 14-Aug-19 11:15:12

Yes, I would expect my partner to tell me if they’d had sex with someone I was interacting with. Just a marker of respect.

newmomof1 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:18:05

When would you have wanted him to tell you? When he was introducing you? As they were walking over to say hello?

Then would you have sat there glaring at her the whole evening? Would you have felt that jealously pang (completely normal and ok)?

I don't think it would have helped anybody for him to have told you, in all honesty.

dailydaze Wed 14-Aug-19 11:21:27

I can understand how you might feel, but it may be so far in the past that he didn't want to mention it because it means nothing to him now - and he maybe didn't want to give you any cause for concern or make you uncomfortable over nothing. There may be no malice in it at all.

PerspectivePleaseEh Wed 14-Aug-19 11:34:10

Well obviously I wouldn't expect him to say how they knew each other during an introduction that would be bad manners! grin
More that I knew about her from her name from what he has said in the past when we have been chatting. I would have expected a "That was Rachel" just out of respect I suppose?

I am really not jealous of her at all. She has married a much older man for money apparently. Which isn't any of my business.

She was actually really nice. I just feel a bit of a dick for inviting her out with us. If he had said something then I wouldn't have said anything! We were introduced then I was called away to do something to help with the wedding. It was later on as we were chatting that I invited her out with us. Clearly she doesn't want to as she hasn't contacted us.

HugoSpritz Wed 14-Aug-19 11:37:27

So she recognised the inappropriateness and has declined the offer so a total non-issue! Also a bit hmm that you have seen fit to gossip about her to find out she married an older man for money!!!!

PerspectivePleaseEh Wed 14-Aug-19 11:42:46

Gossip...? How? Do you know her? I haven't said anything about her to anyone apart from on here. I know of her that's how I worked out she was "Rachel" it was actually one of her friends that told me about her husband that she despises. It's nothing to do with me what personal choices she made. I was pointing out I was not jealous of her in the slightest and that actually I thought she was really nice.

I just thought my husband would give me the heads up not to make a dick of myself. If roles were reversed I totally would have told him. 🤷‍♀️

HugoSpritz Wed 14-Aug-19 22:37:52

Well it sounds as though you were gossiping about her with one of her own friends about her marrying for money etc. Of course I don't know her. I am referring to what you had told us yourself! What else is referring to someone as marrying a much older man for money if not gossiping about her. It didn't add to your story.

Dh didn't tell you - bit off.

She declined invitation - appropriate behaviour from her.

Referring to her reasons for marrying her husband as told to you by someone else - gossip!

Everafter1 Thu 15-Aug-19 00:44:40

Hi OP,

Who told you after the wedding & how long after the wedding were you told?

Croquembou Thu 15-Aug-19 00:49:02

I don't understand how you know she's his ex, if he hasn't told you she's his ex?

elizzza Thu 15-Aug-19 00:50:44

So you knew he has an ex called “Rachel”. He introduced this woman as “Rachel, a friend from back in the day”. Maybe he assumed you would put that together without him explicitly having to say “and we used to sleep together”?

SockMachine Thu 15-Aug-19 01:23:30

Non issue.
And she is probably just busy or away on holiday.
Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest to socialise with exes: in our network of friends we have a few, between us!

I don’t see it as ‘inappropriate ‘at all.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 Thu 15-Aug-19 10:14:48

Again on mumsnet we have one rule for women and another for men.

Who he shagged years ago is none of your business, none.

I think you're a bit miffed that you looked a bit silly for inviting her to join you all for a walk.

What will you do if she gets in touch and wants to go?

LemonTT Thu 15-Aug-19 10:35:34

I have been in the DHs situation. A few years ago at a wedding I introduced DP to an old friend who I had a fling with. We are still friends but meet sporadically. Given the legacy friendships at the wedding I doubt I was the only person in the same situation🤷‍♀️

A while later we were discussing him and I it came up that we had a fling (25 years ago). My DP was taken back and did question why I didn’t tell him before. My honest response was I thought I had. Given Dp’s inability to remember anything I say I think I did. Maybe I didn’t but there was no intention to deceive or conceal.

In reality the fling was meaningless to me but I told DP all and we talked it through. No biggy, no argument, no fallout. I would not have a problem with them going for a drink or a walk. Neither would either of them.

PerspectivePleaseEh Thu 15-Aug-19 18:08:58

Weirdly enough we bumped into each other today in the middle of the woods. Husband was working but hers was there. All very pleasant and nice. Going out this weekend.

Husband like some people said it didn't occur to him to mention it as he was sure I'd worked it out who "Rachel" was. He apologised for not giving me the heads up and understood why I was a bit miffed.

Also it turns out "Rachel's" best friend that was giving me the low down on them is a bit of a meanie and they are no longer best friends. She fell out with the husband hence the bitchiness towards him.

So sorry there was no arguments and no drama. Although husband admitted he was a bit of a twat to her when they were younger and now we're having dinner together. grin

Thanks for some perspective from some of you. smile should have just spoke to my husband rather than stewing on it and asking a nest of vipers.

PerspectivePleaseEh Thu 15-Aug-19 18:16:34

Oh and I should add she asked if we were free on Saturday night and said she'd book a table for dinner if we were. I haven't rail roaded her into being my friend!!

booboo24 Fri 16-Aug-19 06:10:11

I live in a village, everyone knows what is going on in your life before you do! Glad it ended well, I'd be wary of making her a close friend, but from your posts here I'm pretty sure you can handle yourself!

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