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So unhappy with h but can't stand letting him go

(21 Posts)
h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 07:30:25

I'm quite messed up in the head at the moment but what I do know is that I spend my life feeling confused about him and he doesn't make me happy.

But the thought of ending it makes me feel physically sick

I know I deserve to be treated better. He isn't violent, doesn't drink or do drugs, doesn't cheat, doesn't even go out. But I don't matter to him. I'm just there to look after him.

He shows me no affection whatsoever. Last night he asked for a cuddle but he didn't want a cuddle....he wanted sex. I said no and that was that. And when we do have sex, it's all for his benefit not mine.

I sent him a message yesterday about something that is bothering me and it got completely over looked. What I say and feel just doesn't matter.

He doesn't help around the house, there's 3 dcs (sometimes 5 as he has 2 from previous) and I do everything. He won't even change nappies for the youngest.

I'm just there to look after everyone but I get absolutely nothing back

KTara Wed 14-Aug-19 07:40:24

My first thought is - why does the thought of ending it make you feel sick? What specifically bothers you?

My second thought is what steps have been taken to sort this out - does he know that if he does not step up, you are thinking of leaving him? Or does he think (correctly) that he can do as he pleases as you will not leave him?

I hesitate to ask the second question because of course it is not unreasonable to expect affection, support and more equality in your house - and I do not mean to suggest that it is your responsibility to bring this to his attention, rather than his to provide it. But in a sense, there are steps between him not doing anything and the marriage ending, and I am wondering whether those steps have been tried and exhausted.

I also do not think he will change unless it looks like his life will change.

h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 07:47:48

I can't stand the thought of leaving him because I can't stand the thought of him with someone else....or at least I think that's why.

This is where everyone will tell me to leave - I don't bring how I feel up with him that often because when I do, I just get shot down.

For example I've been having therapy for anxiety lately. I go once a week. H doesn't ever ask how my appointments go and I never tell him either. However over the weekend, I did decide to mention my therapy and how it's been going and that I've been struggling with my anxiety.

The response I got: 'you've got nothing to be anxious about' and also 'that just makes me feel shit' and then he went quiet and it wasn't brought up again.

Yesterday I sent him a text about something that's bothering me - his ex is using me for childcare at the moment and I'm fed up of it. I told him verbally that I wasn't happy about it and sent him a text later in the day explaining why. I got absolutely nothing back. So again, it's just got totally over looked. It's like I just don't matter

h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 07:48:45

I think he knows I'd leave. I've been through so much shit in the past before I even met him and he knows I'd be more than fine without him. Which I would, 100%.

sofato5miles Wed 14-Aug-19 07:50:01

He overlooked it because he wants it to continue and doesn't consider childcare to be part of his remit.

Don't be used like this. Please. You matter, you really do.

PositiveVibez Wed 14-Aug-19 07:52:39

You cook for him, you clean for him, you give him nos pleasure (for you) sex. You look after his 5 children and he won't even change a nappy. He is allowing his ex to use you for childcare. You tell him how you feel and he doesn't even acknowledge it.

Yes I can see why you can't let him go. He truly sounds like a Prince among men.

PicsInRed Wed 14-Aug-19 07:55:10

He sees you as a domestic appliance. Nothing more.

It's highly likely he was like this with the first mother of his kids. He'll be the same with any subsequent partners. He likely doesn't even really like women as people, only keeping them around for service purposes.

I'm sorry. flowers

He'll never change.

h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 08:00:38

When we first met, he made me feel so special. Obviously over time that's just stopped. Completely.

Last year, the day before I gave birth to our child (ECS) it was my birthday. I sat in the car (after been at the hospital all day for check ups) while he went into the shop to get me a card and some toblerone - which I hate! I bought my own present as I knew he wouldn't get me anything I actually wanted.

He does work incredibly hard though. And I don't work. I have 2 kids previous also and the eldest is autistic so I'm at home. I'm not saying this is an excuse but he works 7am - 10pm most days.

LizzieSiddal Wed 14-Aug-19 08:07:28

It’s so sad reading what you’ve written. You deserve much better. It doesn’t sound like he even likes you.

(After saying that his working hours are ridiculous, but that is no excuse for treating you like a domestic servant).

Singlenotsingle Wed 14-Aug-19 08:08:00

You'll never be happy with this waste of space. You'll just have to have a stern word with yourself and leave him (or chuck him out if you can).

KTara Wed 14-Aug-19 08:08:55

Why can you not stand the thought of him with someone else? What good qualities does he have that make you value him so highly? (or conversely, why do you value yourself so little?)

He is not listening to you.
He does not value your time or see you as an independent person with wants and needs.
Most likely, your anxiety would disappear if you only had yourself and DC to worry about.

Few people actually want to leave a marriage, I don’t think. Unless there is another partner lined up maybe. There is always that thought of how the marriage could be or should be, which one holds on to. But the reality you have outlined here is a pretty bleak relationship. You know that the only way to make it better is to leave.

The other option is to accept that you do the housework and the childcare andservice his sexual needs; and try to carve out yourself a life within and beyond that to the extent that you can with little or no emotional support from him. You need to be the one to say no to providing extra childcare for the ex and to draw the boundaries around what you provide for him, to be able to free up some time and energy for yourself - he is not going to give you it.

Those are the two options I can see.

KTara Wed 14-Aug-19 08:11:06

Sorry x- post.
So he also is a workaholic but with the advantage that you are presumably financially secure.

Would he consider couples counselling?

KUGA Wed 14-Aug-19 08:13:59

Leave him.
I walked away from a 30 odd year marriage and NEVER looked back.
As soon as you do the sick feeling will go and you can live a good life.

ShhhBeQuiet Wed 14-Aug-19 08:19:52


h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 08:24:27

I can see what you are all saying and I know that's the best option to take.

I think the reason is I don't want to go through it. I don't want to pack his stuff. I don't want to be alone. We never ever argue really. He doesn't shout at me or is ever nasty. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just saying....I'm so confused.

The last couple of days have been crappy for me though. I explain about my anxiety, get nothing back. I explain I won't be used for childcare by his ex, I get nothing back.

He then asks me for a cuddle which I thought was nice...for 30 seconds until he said he wanted sex. Which I said no too.

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 Wed 14-Aug-19 08:39:29

Sounds familiar, including the anxiety and dp who doesn't care about what Im going through except instead of ignoring stuff he turns it around to be about him. I don't care if he ends up with someone else, Im just too sick to deal with it right now, that and endless guilt about the DC are holding me back. Our eldest has seperation anxiety and doesn't like to be apart from me and one of the younger DC has SEN. DP does want to go to counselling together but only because he believes the marriage counsellor will back him up and fix my warped thinking. I know being around him is definitely making my anxiety worse and probably my health issues too. Its hard to leave, especially when you have nowhere to go. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

h7h7 Wed 14-Aug-19 08:45:12

@DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 I'm sorry you are too. From reading your post, I think 'oh gosh you should leave him' but it's not that easy is it? I come on MN for clarity but wether I can actually go through with it is something different entirely.

My H wouldn't do counselling, according to him we are happy. Obviously I am not but that doesn't matter.

Over the years, he always talks to me about his brother and how he is only with his wife for somewhere to live and an easy life. I've never been able to see it myself, they look like a very happy couple to me. Now it's dawned on me H is really taking about himself and how he sees me.

Every now and then he will act like he cares, he will ring me through the day just to tell me he loves me. But that's only to keep me 'sweet' I've realised. He's just full of mind games. I imagine your H is the same.

Secondsight Wed 14-Aug-19 21:03:58

Why don't you work on getting yourself a little stronger and in a better place. There never is a good time to leave but maybe now is not the right time. You are feeling vulnerable just assess things and concentrate on dealing with your anxiety and taking each day as it comes.
You don't want to split up and then go scurrying back do you?
I think by putting yourself under pressure to do something now is not the answer.

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:01:17

Its always easier to see what someone else should do. I've read lots of threads and thought LTB, but they usually make me think dp isn't so bad by comparison. Not that thats a reason to stay. I think he's just here for the DC and me making life easy for him. He's basically a Disney dad, all fun and no responsibility at home, he has paid work unlike me. Everytime I think of telling him we need to separate I get panicky. I like PPs little steps advice. So far I've set up my own account and started saving money and looked at government support I could get as a single mum. I can't work due to my health. I think if I keep making little steps one day the ending it might seem like the next logical step, not so big and scary.

Branleuse Wed 14-Aug-19 22:06:16

Every relationship breakup is hard. Its not unusual to feel ill at the thought of a big change but that would be temporary and i guarantee within a short period of time you'll be happier than ever. This guy cannot and will not make you happy. You deserve more x

Secondsight Thu 15-Aug-19 00:55:35

I don't think you feel better in a short period of time, its hell breaking up and not to be underestimated.

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