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Husband suicidal

(43 Posts)
Mercier1 Tue 13-Aug-19 22:27:58

I’ve posted before so I’m sure people will just say LTB but if anyone has any practical advice I’d really appreciate it.

My husband is having a MH crisis. I think he had a breakdown in the spring and after about 6 months of things being declining he went to GP (5 times...) and finally found the right doctor and got medication. He had his dosage upped after a couple of months. He also finally agreed and did some Councilling which recently he finished.

He’s been really good recently but over the weekend there’s been a huge decline. To give a bit of context for me I’ve had some serious health problems and was really ill with tonsillitis end of the week so was pretty exhausted etc. I have a three year old and a baby who’s 8 months EBF.

We had an argument on Sunday which escalated. I had the kids in their car seats... he was inside and I asked him if he was sure he didn’t was to come on the visit we had planned. I did make a snide remark when he refused (I’ll do all the parenting again today then shall I) and he flipped out. The result was him screaming fuck off over and over at me. He also slammed a door with glass panels in my face and I just felt so gutted. My kids heard it all. It breaks my heart.

Anyways he took a few days off work, has napped, went to the doc but only a locum there and he’s told me on Sunday after I left he took 6 paracetamol and stopped himself taking more. I’m so sad for him.

I have no idea how to help or support him and my soul is just crushed. What do I do? Please be gentle I’m pretty vulnerable right now. Thank you.

TowelNumber42 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:33:17

His reaction to his rage is an important factor. If my DH were acting like him I know he would be seeking every form of help instantly and he would have removed himself from the home to avoid exposing us to his behaviour if he couldn't control it. That your DH isn't doing that makes me feel it is ordinary abusive behaviour.

Keep in mind that everyone who is abusive has some form of mental health woes often based in a difficult childhood. Mentally healthy people don't abuse others.

You can have sympathy with his emotional state while having zero tolerance for abusive acts.

Mercier1 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:40:32

I’m at the doctor now on the sly. I’ll see what can be done. I feel so worn down myself. He’s literally just done in.

TowelNumber42 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:44:54

Ask the doctor about yourself. You need care now. You have a lot on your plate and two children reliant on you. Your mental health is at least as important as his.

Mercier1 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:46:09

I went on meds before him. I could see what was coming and I knew I needed to stop reacting to him and be strong.

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 11:01:16

Even if the abusive behavior is a result of my issues, there is still no excuse for it. And tbh I'd be questioning if it is a mental issue or - a personality disorder. The later is just who they are, not a mental illness. Might be wise to read up on borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder to see if there is any relevance.

Ultimately, you have a child and I don't understand why you would continue to raise it in an environment where there is screaming, emotional abuse and suicide threats. You cannot save this man from himself, you can however leave and protect yourself and your child. I'd start making plans if I were you.

Pinkbonbon Wed 14-Aug-19 11:02:02

*result of mh issues

SimonJT Wed 14-Aug-19 11:26:31

Mental health care on the NHS is really really awful, I don’t think it could get any worse. The crisis team is just a phone number, you call them and they call you back days later, a complete waste of time.

In my area the GP won’t see you or refer you unless you have completed self referral online therapy courses, which we know that many people with poor mental health won’t be capable of doing.

I don’t know what it’s like in other areas but here there is a 43 week wait for therapy and you are only given four thirty minute sessions. The wait for a consultant appointment to be prescribed medication was going to be 36 weeks for me if my GP was willing to make a referral, she wasn’t. I was physically dragged to A&E but sod all was done despite being an absolute mess, the notes sent to my GP after even show that my blood sugars alone (type 1 diabetic) should have led to an admission.

If you can I would consider going private, it was something I couldn’t afford (my mental health got me fired as it took so long to get a diagnosis) so my housemate and some other friends paid until I could. I would be dead if they hadn’t done it.

I don’t remember the first few weeks, but I know I was seen daily, I had a diagnosis within four days, medication then started alongside therapy, I was also kept in hospital for a week, they wanted longer but they thought I would be less stressed at home, they were right. At the start therapy was twice a week, then it went down to once a week. I still do once a week, but sometimes it is over the phone so we are going to trial every two weeks to see how it goes. My consultant also advises my GP what to prescribe, this means I don’t have to pay for a private prescription which saves a lot of money.

You have to remember many people with a MH illness aren’t in control of what they are doing, short term memory loss is also very common, when you have someone telling you that you have done something you have no memory of you just aren’t in a state to believe them, so you don’t.

Mercier1 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:41:51

How do you go private? I paid for therapy through Mind but it’s finished now. Doc advised calling the police if he leaves and I think is suicidal. They aren’t threats he is ashamed and scared. I have got him to agree to see doc this evening.

SimonJT Wed 14-Aug-19 11:49:18

If you don’t have insurance (I didn’t) you can do a direct referral to a private provider, or in my case I was taken to a private GP who then did an emergency referral to a private hospital.

Embracelife Wed 14-Aug-19 12:05:09

In sickness and in health does not mean you putting or keeping yourself and dc in a situation which harmful
With me exp it was also difficult to unpick genuine mh issues with abusive behaviour. They can occur at same time.
Ultimately i put my dc and myself support dc I needed to leave. Can you care for baby toddler yourself...And a potentially suicidal person?
Something has to give
The adult can seek help for themselves or be directed to help

Yourdc arehelpless and need you..since the other parent maybe too "ill"

Exp mh has been up and down but he is responsible for it

Mercier1 Wed 14-Aug-19 12:05:14

Ok so like the priory? No insurance here

Mary1935 Wed 14-Aug-19 14:39:14

Mercies you are still trying to fix him. You need to remember this statement - “focus on yourself”
He’s an adult - he hasn’t got a serious mental illness - probably a personality disorder. You know you can take 8 paracetamol a day.
He won’t die with 6 - he’s manipulating you and he has poor coping mechanisms.
You could go back to Mind or do you have a service via your GP that offers counselling for you.
You cannot fix him - he needs to sort himself out but he has to want to do this.

Mercier1 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:47:26

@Mary1935 I know you can take more but it’s an escalation in His behaviour and it wasn’t done to manipulate me. Found out today he drove to the supermarket to buy more but he didn’t. I got him to the doc who was great and upped his meds.

Mary1935 Thu 15-Aug-19 10:56:55

Hi Mercier1 - that’s great for him but what about YOU.
Focus on yourself. Try and get out and look after your own mental health.🌺

CobraGoose Thu 15-Aug-19 21:57:23

6 paracetamol isn’t a suicide attempt, it just isn’t.

Everything @TowelNumber42 said, I agree with. It can be so difficult to see when you are in it.

Yes, he probably does have mental heath problems. But it is not an excuse for his behaviour towards you.

I have a diagnosis of bipolar, take medication and have experienced severe depressions... but have never slammed a door in someone’s face and sworn at them in front of the children. And would feel bloody remorseful and apologetic if I hurt another persons feelings or would feel sad if wasn’t well enough to go out for the day, not try and turn it on my partner and make them the problem.

Please don’t make excuses for him because you think it is your responsibility to help him. It isn’t.

You are responsible for yourself and your children. Not another adult, husband or not.

CobraGoose Thu 15-Aug-19 22:04:00

And to add on to “mentally healthy people don’t abuse others” (*@TowelNumber42*) - this is true.

But most people with mental health problems do not abuse other either.

Abusers behave that way because they choose too - not because they are depressed/because they have been drinking/because they had a difficult childhood/because they are tired/because you ‘wound them up’/with the way you spoke to them, or whatever else they might start bleating about... those are all excuses.

pog100 Thu 15-Aug-19 22:19:16

I know it's not really the point but paracetamol overdoses are just crazy stupid. By far the most common outcome is long standing irreversible liver damage, not death.
I know suicidal people are not thinking straight bit 6 tablets of pa

Mercier1 Fri 16-Aug-19 06:36:07

A few ppl have asked about his reaction to his behaviour. He is sorry and remorseful. And quote ashamed I would think. I know a fair bit about DV and abuse and I do not feel abused. Having said that I recognise that he overstepped massively. And that I will have to discuss this and deal with it when he’s more able too. A few ppl are minimising the paracetamol thing. He never said it was a suicide attempt he just told me what he did and I feel it’s an escalation and he verbally told me he was suicidal. I feel suicide is a big killer of men his age and he fits the profile and it scares me.

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