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I don't find my husband attractive

(129 Posts)
mummydown Tue 13-Aug-19 19:33:29

I feel terrible enough for saying this out loud so please don't bash me.

I no longer find my husband attractive. I can't exactly remember when this occurred or why (well other than the fact he has put on a considerable amount of weight over the years). The problem is, is that if I loved him I wouldn't mind, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him more like a best friend but sex is a important to me and it's getting me down.

I feel myself looking and longing for other men, which is never good. I have told my OH how I feel so many times and he ignores me. I finally managed to get through to him last week and he was/is devastated (as you can imagine). However he has said he will make an effort with how he looks but I am worried that won't be enough. We have been together for a long time, we have a young child and we have recently moved into a new home. So to leave now would be very difficult in all ways.

We are going to see a counsellor soon so perhaps they will be able to help? I just don't know what to do. I can't work out why I feel like this because he's such a lovely man, great dad and husband but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Can you even have it all? Can you have a fabulous husband and father to your child and want to f**k their brains out?

Please tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 09:32:43

@Loopytiles I was into him otherwise I wouldn't have stayed but somewhere over the years my love for him in a sexual way has gone. I love him dearly as a best friend.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 09:37:31

@RantyAnty This is the issue. I bought him some lovely clothes and aftershaves, watches etc he just doesn't wear them. Probably because he is too large to fit into the clothes. His hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. He shaves his head as he is bald. He just wasn't making any effort at all which really put me off. As I have said in other messages I try my best to make a conscious effort with how I look despite being tired etc

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 09:39:49

@MrMagooooo He knows how I feel because I have told him. I just feel awful knowing that I have made him upset because of my feelings, which I know I can't help but still I feel bad

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 09:49:46

@Loudlady34 I feel the same. He is wonderful; great dad, great husband and a lovely, funny person but I am not in love with him and I don't fancy him. So I feel awful because he deserves happiness.

GrassAndDaisies Wed 14-Aug-19 09:55:29

Why is it deemed ok by society for men of a certain age to let themselves go, while much higher standards are held for women?

We're expected to be hairless, have smooth tanned skin, long silky hair and have unachievable body proportions!

I've felt this too re waning attraction to my ex, though it was also coupled with him being DA.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 10:05:00

@GrassAndDaisies I get where you're coming from. I feel that looks-wise I try my best, I'm not saying I'm amazing but I wear makeup, I don't scrape my hair back in a bun, I try to dress smartly and wear perfume, I shave and I moisturise etc. I have been telling him for years that he never makes an effort for me but he's not been forthcoming with changing.

NewMe2019 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:37:41

Sounds very familiar OP. I've always tried to keep myself nice, nice clothes that suit me, get my hair done, wear make up etc, just make the effort. Ex had also put on weight, he knew I didn't really like it but made excuses, shaved his hair short every few months which he knew I didn't like but wouldn't pay the £8 for the barber to do it, and in between it got long and scruffy, only shaved his face every few months despite me saying it was scratchy and I didn't like it. Zero effort with clothes, cheapest jeans and t-shirts and trainers is all he wore. I sometimes felt we looked a bit odd together when I'd made the effort and he just never bothered. He didn't care at all how I felt. Only when we had a very serious conversation where it was clear I was thinking of splitting did he go to WW, too late by then.

I'm now with someone who listens to what I like and takes some pride in his appearance. If he's getting stubbly and it's scratchy, he shaves straight away, wears shirts and shoes, gets his hair cut properly because I like it and it makes him look nice. In turn I wear/make the effort with things he likes and he is always full of compliments, something I rarely got with ex. Such a refreshing change! And I've finally realised that it really isn't unreasonable to expect a partner to make some effort for you. To not bother shows they couldn't less about how you feel.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 10:45:13

@NewMe2019 That literally sounds the same! I'm glad you have found someone new. My OH pays me compliments all the time but I feel he is waiting for me to return them which of course I can't because have nothing nice to say confused

NewMe2019 Wed 14-Aug-19 10:51:16

@mummydown it honestly sounds like this relationship has run its course. Just like I felt and it never came back. I stayed for years and my irritation and resentment just grew all the time. I had to end it before I ended up seriously disliking him which would have been no good going forward.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 10:56:34

@NewMe2019 Yes I don't want to dislike him. It's just hard because we moved into a new build and have a mortgage and child. I'm not going to rush into anything

ChihuahuaMummy1 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:22:41

I felt like this and I left after 9 years,best thing I ever did tbh.I thought I had no sex drive when really it was that I just didn't want sex with him.
I stayed for longer than I should have because I believed in marriage and didn't want to give up.We had sex counselling but it didn't work.Im now happily remarried with ds and I fancy dh to bits.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 11:25:11

@ChihuahuaMummy1 That's wonderful. I'm not really looking for anyone else. I will try counselling and see if we can work at it. If not then at least I can say I tried

Letseatgrandma Wed 14-Aug-19 12:30:33

My OH pays me compliments all the time but I feel he is waiting for me to return them which of course I can't because have nothing nice to say

I feel the same-my DH has put on a huge amount of weight. It annoys me when I read similar posts and the posters are told you should just accept your partners body changes. In fact, there’s one running now by a wife who has been told by her DH that he doesn’t find her attractive.

I have had three children with my DH and may not look as young and perky as I used to, but I try to look after myself and haven’t become overweight. I wear nice clothes, get my hair done and generally make an effort. He appreciates this and often says I look, feel, smell lovely. I want to say the same back, but it wouldn’t be true.

He is obese-if not morbidly obese. His clothes stretch over him, his stomach hangs out over his jeans and under his tops so everyone sees an expanse of stomach overhang and arse crack when he moves. He has become lazy due to his size which is not attractive and sex is disappointing-we can barely manage with him on top as his stomach gets in the way. I miss sex, I want to have sex, just not with him. I’m actually now really jealous of friends with normal sized husbands.

I stopped looking at him and fancying him, and now find him physically unattractive. I’m resentful that I’ve managed to have his kids and still look nice whereas he just doesn’t bother.

I don’t know what to do either really.

managedmis Wed 14-Aug-19 12:36:15

Another one not fancying their husband here either. I fancy loads of other guys though : on the train, at work etc. I am seriously considering an affair.

It's not like my DH has put on weight or anything either - the spark has just gone and he has a bit of an ugly personality so the last thing I fancy is getting intimate with him.

Same old story here : kids, mortgage et et ad nauseum.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 12:37:14

@letseatgrandma I feel exactly the same. He was in the obese category for a long time and is now just (and I mean just) in the overweight category. Even when I was pregnant and just about to give birth I wasn't even in the overweight category for my height. I am pretty tall for a woman so that's sometimes more forgiving when putting on weight but I am just not happy in myself if I feel I have put on the weight. I do not understand how men don't seem to care and how we are supposed to just be fine with it?

All of my friend's husbands/partners are slim and attractive and I look at mine and he genuinely makes me feel embarrassed to be seen with him, which in turn makes me feel even worse about the whole situation. I tried buying him lovely aftershaves and designer clothes but he got so fat that nothing fit him.

I find it so hard when you try your best and they don't bother, it makes you feel like they just don't care and that you're not worth the effort. I even told him this and it was still ignored sad

Tweetingmagpie Wed 14-Aug-19 12:37:42

Why can’t you leave him? You don’t love him anymore.

You’re only in your 30s you could find someone else and be happy.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 12:39:10

@managedmis Ah that is so hard too. Fortunately my OH is a lovely man and isn't horrible at all in that way. I am the same as you though, I find myself being overly chatty and friendly with anyone who I think is remotely attractive; not cool. It makes me feel so bad.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 12:46:54

@tweetingmagpie It's not quite as simple as that because we have a brand new house, a mortgage, a child. Long shifts and no family support. I do love him just not in that way. I am not looking for someone else. I don't even want to think of that right now if I am honest.

Closetbeanmuncher Wed 14-Aug-19 12:49:53

Could you try a joint exercise class, and healthy eating regime?

He probably doesnt know where to start to be honest and maybe feeling down on himself.

There must be a couple of characteristics physically that you still like. Eyes lips etc, compliment him on these features?

I think you've done the right thing being honest, encoragement and support are whats needed here.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 12:53:07

@closetbeanmuncher We can't really afford a gym but we are on a diet (both of us even though I am not actually overweight). I can't compliment him on anything to do with how he looks because I don't like any of it blush. I sound so mean saying it out loud as well.

ThirdThoughts Wed 14-Aug-19 13:01:39

I'd be gutted if my partner talked about me the way you do about yours.

If you don't find him sexually attractive any more then either leave the relationship and both be free to find someone who you really love or choose to stay for the parts of him you do love and be kind to him.

What you are doing at the moment seems very cruel and controlling. Shaming people about their weight doesn't help them magically lose it.

In the long term, physical attractiveness is likely to fade regardless of where it started and who you are with. Theirs and yours. Something to keep in mind before you start your next relationship. What qualities do you want in the person you want to be with in your 70s and beyond? Kindness would be high up my list.

fedup21 Wed 14-Aug-19 13:07:44

All of my friend's husbands/partners are slim and attractive and I look at mine and he genuinely makes me feel embarrassed to be seen with him, which in turn makes me feel even worse about the whole situation. I tried buying him lovely aftershaves and designer clothes but he got so fat that nothing fit him.I find it so hard when you try your best and they don't bother, it makes you feel like they just don't care and that you're not worth the effort. I even told him this and it was still ignored

I have nodded my way through all of that.

He won’t join SW or anything like that. Days he won’t go to groups because he’d feel shite and would just order the books and do it at home, then doesn’t. Says whenever he tries to lose weight the minute we go on holiday or see friends fir a takeaway, he puts 1/2 stone back on in a weekend and that undoes weeks of hard Work.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 13:09:10

@ThirdThoughts I have already said that I feel awful and also not to bash me, but yet you thought you could just come on here and tell me how controlling and horrible I am, so thank you for that, it really has made my day better . I haven't said things to him in quite the way I have to the people on this thread. I have tried to be as nice as possible by telling him how I feel. I have also said how wonderful he is, how he is a great person, dad and husband. I haven't just come on here and said nothing nice at all. Also I can't help how I feel, I am using this as an outlet, a sounding board if you will. I haven't shamed him about his weight but he has put on a considerable amount and that is all I can attribute to my change of feelings. It may be something other than that, which is why we are willing to give counselling a go to see if there are any unresolved issues. Also I am 40 years off being 70, so forgive me for wanting to try and be happy.

mummydown Wed 14-Aug-19 13:11:29

@fedup21 We have started to diet. I have lost 10lbs in the last 4 weeks and I think that he has lost similar, so it is coming off! I hear you! That's what happened with my OH. He would do it for a month and then stop making excuses for everything. I think that now the marriage depends on it things may be different, or at least I am hoping so!

TheCatThatDanced Wed 14-Aug-19 13:12:14

OP - I would honestly think about leaving him. It sounds as if you're at different life stages to be honest and I doubt he'd change.

letseatgrandma - I met up with an old school-friend a year or so ago who was in a relationship with a morbidly obese man (partly due to shift work and also overeating and a back problem) - sex with him she told me was never with him on top as he couldn't manage it - like your DH. She stuck it for a few years then they broke up, but she said that after a big weight loss (which he put on again afterwards) it was great but then he lapsed into old habits and she didn't feel he made the effort.

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