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Giving up Dating

(291 Posts)
joanietaylor Tue 13-Aug-19 17:46:53

Hello,

Although only 37 i have completely given up ever meeting anyone for a long term relationship as i never seem to meet anyone i click with or fancy sexually. Just think i am not meant to meet anyone.

Absolutely fed up beyond belief with internet dating and wish it had never been invented. I used to have luck with it in my 20's but these days very few people seem genuine and actually want to meet up in real life. They either have awful personalities, high maintenance or there is no chemistry.

Luckily i enjoy my own company and happy in my own skin but i do miss regular sex.

Anyone else relate?

VallarMorghulis Mon 26-Aug-19 18:49:03

@feistymumma is it ok if I PM you? I've joined fabswingers and could do with some advice grin

Itsallpointless Tue 20-Aug-19 23:18:39

I've had the heart stopping moment, twice actually. I've loved and been loved, so I consider myself very lucky in those respects, however, the only one I truly wanted didn't want me enough.

My confidence is below ground, therefore I don't even feel attractive enough to date, so I have to get used to being on my own, that is what I'm struggling with.

What makes me feel better, is that I'm not in a relationship which made me deeply unhappy, like my last one.

I had two LTR from POF, they didn't ghost me/send dick pics etc, they just didn't work out. There are some very decent folk OLD (I was one of them) so persevere, I might even cast my own net one daywink

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Tue 20-Aug-19 17:10:50

*I'd not of

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Tue 20-Aug-19 17:10:15

The thing you can't get from OLD is that heart-stopping eyes meeting across the room moment, which used to be the start of most relationships

Yes. If I ever have another relationship, I want it to he with someone I've had that moment with.

Or at least with someone I've got chatting with and realised that our entire conversation is an exchange of "yes, me too! And do you...?"

I've never truly loved or been loved and I'm at a point where I think of rather miss out than have to find it by trawling through an online catalogue of men and hoping for the best!

Pinkdoor Tue 20-Aug-19 17:03:52

I'm still on a couple of sites and 90per cent of the messages start : 'hi gawjus' or 'hi pretty you look stunning' or one I got two minutes ago 'hellop gorgeoushg h' - I mean, it's not a long sentence to type correctly!

I'm right to just delete all of these aren't I?! So awful

crappyday2018 Tue 20-Aug-19 16:53:30

I do genuinely believe a lot of men (especially the genuine ones) also have it bad. I've chatted with a few men on POF and i always ask how they find it and I've had a few stories!
I also think that many of the women sending 'naughty' pics might genuinely just be looking for sexting/sex - women can do that too!
Its mainly the time-wasters that annoy me. Chatting and then disappearing or cancelling dates with a lie because they have bottled it.
I approached it differently last time and actually replied to guys who seemed quite nice (and normal) but maybe wouldn't be my normal type. I got a few dates out of it (where previously I'd had nothing) but sadly none of them worked out.
I know its soul-destroying but I am attending a wedding next month where they met on POF. Another couple I know who married last year met on Tinder. Its just luck I guess.

fotheringhay Tue 20-Aug-19 15:28:55

The thing you can't get from OLD is that heart-stopping eyes meeting across the room moment, which used to be the start of most relationships.

Today I'm pining for someone I met a few years ago who I had that moment with. We were involved for a bit bit the age gap was just so huge it was unworkable (me being the older one).

But I'm still not tempted to wade back into OLD, I'm just socialising as much as possible instead.

PookieDo Tue 20-Aug-19 13:44:15

I’m only going to bother making the effort if I think there is any shred of common ground and hope, and probably some level of investment.

This is why I have given up, because you reach the point where you do not want to keep having dates for the sake of it. It becomes very time consuming for little benefit

There are pros and cons to each approach, less effort = less disappointment but also less chance of actually meeting someone if you aren’t really bothering. And can make you a bit resentful. People also seem to see you as high maintenance too

unique1986 Tue 20-Aug-19 12:50:47

My issue is that obviously I don't think that he felt anything for me but then how could he. He probably wasn't attracted to me but then I wasn't exactly that impressed either.

Should you only meet people that you think you've invested lots of time with or should you just go on blind dates?
I do like to keep it casual I am a casual person so I was a little bit like oh dear he's booked the restaurant but it was quite a mature sensible adult thing to do.

unique1986 Tue 20-Aug-19 12:47:39

I tried a different tactic at the weekend I agreed to meet up with someone for dinner because they happened be near my area I said OK and they booked a restaurant.
With literally shared a few emails sporadically over a week.
Anyway I was quite nervous before meeting him because he was a late.
It was the usual very awkward at first walking down the town but we had a quite a nice time he paid for the food and thank you very much for a nice evening.
But 100-percent I won't be seeing him again I just think it was out of convenience.
It's so hard because you kind of think why am I bothering but I just took it for what it was.
The only thing I did think that it was actually better that we haven't spoken a lot before.
Because I wasn't like disappointed that he seemed different in person or that we didn't click enough because I had didn't really have much to go on.
It was a bit like having dinner with a colleague that you don't know very well.

NowYouListenToMeFella Tue 20-Aug-19 11:12:38

Itsallpointless doesn't sound great for that man. What sort of thing did he experience?

Itsallpointless Tue 20-Aug-19 10:50:54

I was listening to a man at the weekend describing his experiences with OLD. Now I don't know this guy at all (part of a new group I've joined) but he appears to have had a rough time of it with the women he's encountered. Never really thought women could behave that way, I'm so honestsmileit certainly opened my eyesshock

MeowTseTung Tue 20-Aug-19 10:46:57

NowYou that doesn't surprise me, my problem though was over-reading women's profiles and ruling people out if I didn't precisely meet what they were looking for...

OLD seems to either result in tumbleweed or a bombardment. There seems to be nothing in between...

NowYouListenToMeFella Tue 20-Aug-19 10:35:04

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower a 'giant pick me dance' is brilliant. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm clearly shite at that sort of dancing and can’t seem myself practicing.

Also agree with you on the leagues thing and how men just see your pics and message without having had a read of your profile.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Tue 20-Aug-19 10:01:18

"I encountered women who turned the conversation towards sex very, very swiftly or sent topless photos which surprised me"

I suspect the women doing that are doing so because they've internalised that behaviour as an expectation.

They want to appear cool or sexually confident or not to have any hang ups - possibly because they've been criticised in those areas before.

I think that even when the behaviours look similar, it's worth remembering that the motivations for men and women are often quite different.

I have often described OLD as a giant 'pick me dance' and I think this is what these behaviours demonstrate.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks Tue 20-Aug-19 10:01:06

Shatner I told that poster what I thought of that attitude several pages ago. It wasn't remotely in the spirit of the thread. I agree that OLD is crap for everyone but the tone seems to be drifting away from sharing experiences and towards debating who has it worse. I was just saying I didn't think that was very helpful in the context of this discussion. NB - I can't imagine any of the early suffragettes talking about scrotum stamping!

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Tue 20-Aug-19 09:55:07

I think most people have a good idea of their "league" though

Oh I agree. But it doesn't seem to matter on OLD. I don't think I ever got messages from men I'd consider to be in my 'league'.

Maybe if they'd been 20 years younger we'd have been in the same league. Maybe if they had a job; maybe if they didn't live in the back of a lorry; maybe if they didn't list their interests as 'playing video games and watching football' when I'd explicitly said in my profile that I didnt enjoy either of those things and wouldn't be of any interest to a man who did...

A lot of men don't appear to look at a woman, read her profile and decide whether or not they are compatible before messagingI think in many cases, men look at your photo and decide whether they'd fuck you or not and message on the basis of that. Most women can see through that.

I'm sure the same can be said of some women but I can only speak for the men I encountered.

MeowTseTung Tue 20-Aug-19 09:54:33

No, I can understand women using that tack are generally coming from a totally different position to the nuisance men.

Bit of a sad state of affairs (see what I did there?) all round. I don't think Match and POF will be tapping us lot up for testimonials any time soon.

PookieDo Tue 20-Aug-19 09:48:46

*would say they are the exception

I have felt pushed into doing things I didn’t want to before. I think one guy was basically trying to get wank material from me, it was so so creepy

PookieDo Tue 20-Aug-19 09:47:38

I always wonder if some of those women who do that are doing it out of desperation to stand out from the crowd and get men’s attention.
I don’t know any women who actually enjoy things like that but may do so out of low self esteem. Women tend to naturally be wary to protect themselves against sexual predators so I would worry about a woman who seemed to be pushing the boundaries the same as I would be wary of a man being overly sexual with a stranger but for different reasons. Although there are some women who may get a thrill out of it and have no low self esteem I would not say they are the exception

MeowTseTung Tue 20-Aug-19 09:38:30

"I have male friends who OLD and they have told me many stories of women who's opening messages were pure filth."

"I encountered women who turned the conversation towards sex very, very swiftly or sent topless photos which surprised me"

Who are these women??? I can categorically say that I wasn't on the receiving end of anything remotely like that!!

Christ, I must be old and fugly... envy wink

PookieDo Tue 20-Aug-19 09:28:16

I think we need to support each other and everyone’s situation

When I OLD I tend to get a ton of messages or swipes in the first 2 days mainly. I have dipped in and out every couple of years, so think I am fresh meat/new face online to the regulars in my area (or it is bot spam profiles grin)

I realise that most of them are regulars because I recognise nearly all of them from all the other times I OLD, and realise they are still in the pool along with me. So I will laboriously filter them, try to make a conversation or avoid the ones I know are weird. I may go on a date if they are polite and seem normal, but often the conversations are hard work or rude. I will then swipe and swipe and swipe and try to start convos with any matches I get but by this point I have had to go further afield in location and the distance becomes annoying. Then after about 2 weeks it’s pretty dead and I then think ‘maybe it’s my profile’ and fiddle with it, maybe it’s my photos and can feel my anxiety over it kick in.

After this I then have usually completely run out of options and enthusiasm

I’ve had 2 OLD relationships. One lasted 18 months the other 3 months. I’ve not lived with anyone for 10 years though, they were quite casual. Both were ok guys but I found it a lot of hard work trying to find common ground and to keep it going.

ShatnersWig Tue 20-Aug-19 09:21:15

Quantocks I think it's very much more about shared experiences. It's not a question of OLD is shit for women but shit for everyone. But it doesn't need a poster repeatedly spouting forth with "Ladies" like some suffragette rally grin

Itsallpointless Tue 20-Aug-19 09:20:04

For me personally, it is mostly about the 'click', so looks etc are all 'first impressions'. I wouldn't date someone who was serially unemployed though, or someone with 10 children under the age of 5, purely because it doesn't work for me, even if we had the 'click'.

There are thousands of single, lonely people out there, but you have to have that 'something' to work on.

I am open to any bloke who is 'normal'grin

CheckingOutTheQuantocks Tue 20-Aug-19 09:14:53

PookieDo at this point, I'm giving up because I don't have the mental strength to deal with the whole depressing parade of rejection and game-playing. The men I've chatted to on OLD have always seemed to have half an eye on looking out for a better option, and just converting a chat to a date that actually happens and isn't cancelled at the last minute seems almost impossible.

When I hear about other women apparently being inundated with messages and offers of dates, it makes me feel even more shit about myself. I never had that, and I'm sure it's because of the way I look. I'm very aware of what my "league" is and I know what men say to each other about women like me. It's really soul destroying.

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