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What do I do?

(43 Posts)
Swer987 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:43:30

Hi all

My first post here, hoping for some advice.

I’ve been with my partner for just over 2 years. He is 35, I am 33. He has a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He’s been separated from the mother for about 5 years. We see his daughter every other weekend.

We have always discussed having a child together and thought about trying next year. Within the last 3 months he’s decided he doesn’t want one and says he’s adamant that’s his decision. I really do want one.

I just dont know how to move forwards. Do I stay with him and continue as we are? Do I leave with no guarantee of ever meeting anyone new or having a baby?

Other than this baby issue, our relationship is fantastic and I love our life.

I feel so torn. Either way I lose something.

whyohwhyflowerdear Tue 13-Aug-19 15:44:33

What are his reasons for wanting no more children?

Swer987 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:07:00

Thinks he’s too old now. Also wants to enjoy life now the ‘hard part’ of parenting is out the way!

Wishihad Tue 13-Aug-19 17:10:27

Full disclosies. I am 37 and feel exactly the same as him.

Honestly, if you want children you need to leave.

Even if you didnt meet someone else you will always wonder if you would have had children if you left him.

You will resent him in the end.

Wishihad Tue 13-Aug-19 17:10:57


GiveMeHope103 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:34:06

I think hes at the age now where hes happy to just settle and get on with it. He has a child so for him, he does have all the great bits of life. For you, I would seriously consider leaving as the clock is also ticking. He's made his feelings clear, so unless he does it out of ultimatums it seems like he has decided.

MrMagooooo Tue 13-Aug-19 17:43:48

You'll find posts in here where this happens a lot. You need to weigh up your priorities and then only you can decide. His priorities are no kids and maybe losing you. What's yours going to be.

He might have kids to please you and love it or have kids and resent you and his life.

If my partner said she wanted kids now it would be a no from me, if she was adamant we would have to split. Just like when we got together I would have split with her if she didn't want theme

Michellelovesizzy Tue 13-Aug-19 19:33:55

I think u must leave. U will never be happy long term. He has a child got wat he wants but u dont.

Wallflowermeadow Tue 13-Aug-19 20:29:14

I think you need to leave if you're absolutely positive you want a child, staying with someone because you're afraid you may not meet someone else and get what you want is not a good idea, as people have already pointed out you will end up resenting him. It will be scary at first but how do you know that what you're looking for isn't just around the corner. For me this would definitely be a deal breaker, having a child is one of the best things I've ever done and if it's something you're adament about then you need to go, if he genuinely loves you then he would want to go through this amazing experience with you and I don't think 35 is to old, I just think that's an excuse plus why do people think they can't experience life because they've had a child! Hope everything works out 😊

Pinkbonbon Tue 13-Aug-19 20:47:07

Tbh, id choose a happy life with someone who loves me over a hypothetical being, any day. But I have zero pull towards procreating so its probably a much easier choice for me than some ppl.

Chitarra Tue 13-Aug-19 20:48:35

This would be a deal breaker for me personally, but it depends how much you want a child OP.

LittleDoveLove Tue 13-Aug-19 20:55:02

If you definitely want children it is a difficult choice and I tend to agree with above poster that you will likely resent him in the end especially if you separate. Best of luck in your decision op x

sofato5miles Tue 13-Aug-19 21:01:57

In your situation, I would leave. You may i would definitely grow to resent him and then after your fertile years have passed, have nothing.

FWIW, I had my last baby at 38. She's 7 and I still feel young.

MeanMrMustardSeed Tue 13-Aug-19 21:04:38

Of course you should leave. This is one of life’s big things and you are incompatible.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Tue 13-Aug-19 21:10:57

Deal breaker here. I'd be gone

strawberriesandrosepetals Tue 13-Aug-19 21:46:42

I had over 15 years of 'one day' as the answer to both marriage and family. Then he turned round and said he didn't want kids after all. I was distraught. I spent 12 months not knowing what to do as I didn't want to throw our relationship away but I felt like I had been lied to. When I decided to leave he proposed and we now have a baby. BUT! I will forever think he only agreed as I effectively blackmailed him by threatening to leave and I do not know if he loves us really. I was too old to start again though and I love him even if I can't be certain it is reciprocated.

Firefly111 Tue 13-Aug-19 21:52:16

I think you need to leave. Even if you don’t meet anyone else to have children with you’re always going to wonder ‘what if’ and ultimately always resent him for it.

sheshootssheimplores Tue 13-Aug-19 21:57:51

This is what happens in these scenarios.

Man decides he doesn’t want children with partner. Fair decision!
Partner stays with man as she’s quite convinced he’ll change his mind
Fertile years of woman ebb away but it’s okay as she’s supportive of partners right to make his decision and they have each other
They split up in their forties, step daughter now grown and man meets a new woman, in her early thirties.
He then has children with new woman and you are left childless and watching his new life unfold

I despise these men but it happens all the time. I don’t think it particularly calculated. It just happens.

Skittlenommer Wed 14-Aug-19 00:37:40

Other than this baby issue, our relationship is fantastic and I love our life

It depends how much of a deal breaker it is for you. Would you be happy without your own child? Speaking from experience, being childfree by choice is the best thing in the world! There is far more to life than kids.

Graphista Wed 14-Aug-19 01:47:35

See this ALL THE TIME on here and in real life.

I don't believe he really feels too old at 35!

I strongly suspect it's more a case of he doesn't want children with you, he may not even realise it's ur case himself it may be subconscious, but it's VERY common for men this age, even those without children, to say they don't want kids, waste the fertile years of the woman they're with who's the same age (roughly), the relationship breaks down (with the lack of children likely being a major factor), then waddaya know...

...he meets and quickly falls madly in love with someone 10/15 years younger - or more - they get married and have a child within a year.

How are you going to feel if he does that?

Was his child planned? Why did he and his ex split?

He's been separated from the mum since the child was 1! He only sees her eow (how far away does she live?) he is taking the piss claiming he has ANY real experience as a parent to even be able to make comments like "now the ‘hard part’ of parenting is out the way!" So clearly he's a pretty shit dad anyway!

Does he pay cm? How much, cms min? Does he have her for longer than a weekend ever?

(Think I can guess answers to most of my questions)

Do yourself a favour while you are still young enough to have time to meet someone else, build a relationship with them and have DC.

You're flogging a dead horse here!

TimeForNewStart Wed 14-Aug-19 01:54:41

You’ve got to leave really.

OhMyDarling Wed 14-Aug-19 01:54:50

Leave, find the life you want and deserve.
Your desire to have a child is equal to his, why should you settle for someone that won’t do the same for you.

If you don’t meet someone else, find another way to have them by yourself- single person fertility treatment, adoption etc.
But you can’t stay with a man so self centered and who doesn’t care about what you want in life.

Chocmallows Wed 14-Aug-19 01:57:58

Graphista has it, you're ok to him, but you aren't the one for him.

Find someone to form a family with.

Winterlife Wed 14-Aug-19 01:58:20

BWAHAHA in the “hard part of parenting”. Wait until his daughter is a teen!

I think if you want a child, you should have one. Find someone who wants a family, or have a child on your own.

Nannamia Wed 14-Aug-19 02:07:04

"Now the hard part of parenting is out of the way"??!! Jesus wept. He hasn't lived with his daughter since she was a year old and only sees her for a couple of days a fortnight.
You need to leave not only because he doesn't sound like a very good dad but also because the resentment caused by not being able to have kids will eat away at you for the rest of your life.

managedmis Wed 14-Aug-19 02:15:21

What everyone else said, basically

We see his daughter every other weekend.

He's got it made, hasn't he? Disney dad and lives with the girlfriend. But doesn't want the commitment of kids with you, oh no. sheshootssheimplores hit the nail in the head

I'd be out the door, op.

AgentJohnson Wed 14-Aug-19 02:29:55

‘The hard part of parenting’? He sees his daughter eow! He is allowed to change his mind but his behaviour and argument, suggests that he thinks that you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you are less likely if he reveals his true feelings.

As great as your relationship is, it doesn’t change the fact that you have a fundamental difference of opinion of which there is no compromise.

Swer987 Wed 14-Aug-19 07:05:18

Thanks all for the advice.

Going back to some of the questions -

She lives just over an hours drive from us. It’s every other weekend because my partner works evenings so couldnt have her in the week after school etc.

I think he’s an excellent father but also think he has the best of both worlds. Whilst he doesnt see her all the time they speak on the phone/facetime regularly.

I do think his reasons for not wanting one with me aren’t great..

I know I have to leave.

sofato5miles Wed 14-Aug-19 07:47:23

@swer987 A painful choice, but I do think you are making the right one.

GiveMeHope103 Wed 14-Aug-19 07:58:51

You are making the right choice OP. Who knows in a few years you might part ways anyway so you have no guarantee but a child is forever. His reasons are not great. Best of luck.

Limt Wed 14-Aug-19 08:01:12

Don't be my friend, she left it too late with the wrong man. Your thirties pass at lightening speed.

sheshootssheimplores Wed 14-Aug-19 08:35:00

Swer987 my ex had two children, a very demanding ex and when we got together I was 34 and honestly didn’t think I wanted children. Unfortunately I changed my mind and bless him he really tried to get onboard but he knew he didn’t want any more children. We went back and forth on it for nearly a year and eventually he told me categorically he didn’t want any more. I walked away.

(Less than a year later I met my now fiancé and we have two kids. We’ve been together eight years now abd I’m very happy).

sanmiguel Wed 14-Aug-19 09:30:16

Really sad but yes of kids are def your priority, leave now. A friend of mine reluctantly stayed with a man who wanted kids pre marriage, then decided 'too old' after he lead her down the garden path a few years with a number of Wet reasons to hold off trying for a kid. Wasted most of her fertile years then lo and behold, she found out he'd cheated and left for that reason.

Thankfully she met someone else late 30s when she was ready to give up on the idea of kids and did conceive pretty quickly. The relationship isn't great however. She settled as he wanted kids and so she quickly went for it. Don't be in her shoes. Leave now while you have the chance to meet someone who deserves you and who you can have a great relationship and kids with.

Chocmallows Wed 14-Aug-19 09:42:37

Be kind to yourself as walking away will be hard, but practically there is no way forward.

Staying means he has his cake and eats it, with an option for children with someone else in the future. Meanwhile you help him raise his child and can be left with none.

ColaFreezePop Wed 14-Aug-19 17:35:21

OP loads of women I know met their partner older than you and had a child/children if they wanted them. (I met mine at 40.)

Hell some of my friends' - both male and female - were still in their first marriages at 33. However within 5 years they had divorced, met their current partner and now have children.

If you definitely want a child listen to what he says and how he acts as he is telling you his truth. He does not want children with you Move on if you want children as he won't be the father of yours.

Graphista Wed 14-Aug-19 18:50:07

"BWAHAHA in the “hard part of parenting”. Wait until his daughter is a teen!" Teen years ARE bloody tough but everyone finds different ages and stages difficult BUT this guy only sees her 2 days per fortnight! He knows fuck all about real parenting!

"I think he’s an excellent father" why? He does bugger all!

"Whilst he doesnt see her all the time they speak on the phone/facetime regularly." This is NOT parenting! I know grandparents and aunts/uncles more involved than he is!

I think it's also possibly telling you've not answered about cm!

You don't have to of course but it certainly makes me think he's likely at best paying the minimum

Swer987 Wed 14-Aug-19 19:05:37

He pays £100 per week.

Graphista Wed 14-Aug-19 21:20:44

That's meaningless without knowing his income, if he's on good money that could still be the minimum required.

Also, sounds a lot, but quite honestly isn't, not when you know how much kids cost!

I'm a single mum and have never had a lot of money to budget for our household, I do spreadsheets and tend to keep (just by not getting around to deleting) old info.

I've just looked at what dd was costing me around that age (which was 12 years ago!

Dd costs aged 6 per month

Portion of rent due to needing 2 bed - around £100

1/3 of utilities = £40

1/3 groceries = £40

Clothes/shoes (they grow a lot at this stage AND wear stuff through) = £50

Transport = £30

Haircuts £8

School materials = £15

School lunches = £20

Activities = £25

Childcare = £400

Total £728

With inflation that's around £990
now and we live/lived pretty frugally! Even though I was working then as I was still on a tight budget.

So I very much doubt £400 a month even comes close to half the costs for the child.

I dread to think what childcare costs are now for starters!!

Swer987 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:25:40

The financial situation is really relevant to my original post. I don’t know much about it either. But what I do know is he has an excellent relationship with the mother of his child and will always contribute extra towards anything else she needs.

Everyones situation is different and the set up of him seeing his daughter when he does works for them as a family. I’ve spoken to his ex about it in the past and she’s always been happy with it (and would 100% say if she wasnt).

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice.

AlongTheWay Wed 14-Aug-19 21:55:49

I don't believe he really feels too old at 35!

He just might. My personal cut off even before having kids was 35. I was not going to have anymore after that age regardless if I had any before or not.
I did not want to have the worst of the teen years in my 50s, but that's a personal choice. So maybe having done the whole kid thing and now 35 he may not want to go back to the baby years. I had my last at 32 and I even regret that choice. My patience wasn't what it was in my 20s and if I could have my time again I definitely wouldn't have done it.

Whatever the reason I don't think anyone else can decide that he doesn't feel too old for it at 35 because I'm with him! And I think for the OP if he's saying it, believe it because he really might never change his mind.

Graphista Wed 14-Aug-19 22:41:23

Maybe he does feel too old but I am honestly highly sceptical as I said in my first post I've seen so often in real life and on here men giving excuses like this to the woman they're with at that time only to go on and perfectly happily become fathers with someone else in their 40's, 50's even 60's.

Op regarding ex being happy with the current arrangements I suspect that's likely to be because she knows him well and knows what she can realistically expect, you don't know what went on in the 3 years before you got together other than what you've been told, and that may not be reliable.

Either way he is telling you he doesn't want the same as you so yes in your position I would move on ASAP to give yourself the best chance of meeting someone else.

Melinamartin Thu 15-Aug-19 00:27:10

Your never to old to have a child, my mother in law had two at 40 smile

AlongTheWay Thu 15-Aug-19 03:42:06

Your never to old to have a child, my mother in law had two at 40

You're not too old to BEAR children at that age but feeling too old to have more is completely different. I am almost 40, my friends are having their first now. I could think of nothing worse. Each to their own but people can feel too old to have more kids even though they could physically have them.

Just because someone else did it at 40 doesn't mean everyone wants to and is kind of irrelevant to what someone else wants or feels ready for.

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