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i wish he'd hit me

(66 Posts)
stophurtingme3 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:56:17

I wish he would hit me, instead of filling my head with these words every minute of every day, why won't he hit me if i'm so 'disgusting' and a 'liar' i don't understand.
I don't know how to react in the best way, how do you react do you argue, defend yourself, cry or just say nothing and take it?
None of the above work it doesn't matter what i do or what i say i never win everything's always my fault.
i don't want this life anymore, but i don't know where to get courage from, my will power left me the minute i threw my 8 stone weight loss down the drain by gaining it all back from this horrible life i'm living this past year.
I used to have anxiety but i don't even think i have it anymore because i don't have time to think about it to make me panic. I would rather be riddled with panic attacks knowing i can fight back than fight this losing battle of trying to help someone's mental health when all they do is target you.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 09:52:13

Sorry i can't come on this thread when i'm with him,
The last time i tried to leave i made it 3 seconds away from the house and he had got in his car and started wheel spinning down the street, i carried on walking he was just driving by my side saying get in the car, i was saying no, he said if you don't get in the car now i'll crash right in front of you. He was stood outside his car in the middle of the road shouting and swearing at anyone driving past, it was so embarrassing but no one stopped, i had to get back in. I have also thought about ringing the police but he says if i do he'll kill himself before they get here.
I don't have friends anymore i pushed them away because of him, I have my mum and dad but i hate her worrying about me, I have tried to call womens aid but they don't answer and i spoke to victim support once but i downplayed the situation as they started talking about police and i chickened out, I could pack and leave on saturday morning and try to go to a refuge, we live in a council house and i'm the main tenant but he is on the tenancy, however even if it was all mine i wouldn't want to live there.

ConfusedNoMore Wed 14-Aug-19 09:57:30

I would bet your mum already worries and knows a bit about what's going on. Go to her. Tell someone.

External validation helps get your head straight. So counselling, women's aid, friends, family... Grab any and every bit of support you can.

Do you need permission to go? I am giving you permission. Leave. (and I have been there. I used to wish he'd hit me too)

Shplot Wed 14-Aug-19 10:41:04

Just go. You’re not responsible for his welfare. He’s a bully and a coward and will say and do anything. Ring the police, go to your mums. Get out now. It’s never going to get better.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:02:50

He is hitting you!

He battering your emotional self black and blue and stamping on your soul! The only difference is you can't see the bruises so you are convincing yourself it isn't happening.

He is ignoring your shell (your body) but he is hurting you. And he is ignoring it because he doesn't need to hurt it because so far damaging you like he is has worked well for him.

You deserve better my lovely you really really do.

@HappyNOTdriving Thank you so much! I think you've just give me the wake up call i needed! I know it's frustrating that i don't just literally get up and leave right now but it's just not the right time or place, At the weekend i feel safer because i have more time, No work to go to worrying he'll turn up and beg me to come back.

dailydaze Wed 14-Aug-19 11:12:19

OP you have to think of yourself here. You only get one go at this life and you do not deserve to be treated like that and to live like this.
You are not responsible for his actions, and if you fear he would hurt himself if you left... that is another form of manipulation and it is not your responsibility to ensure he os ok. Make sure you are ok!
Start putting yourself first. Start planning, getting things in order and making your plans to leave. If you are worried about your safety, you can actually have the police assist you in getting your stuff out safely.

I know it will be hard, but you do have the strength even if it doesnt feel like it. Please take care.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:14:35

Thank you, next time i'm home when he's not i'm going to gather important documents, for the past 3 weeks i have been writing a journal of his words and also have text proof, So i know in my head i am being sensible and taking steps in the right direction.

dailydaze Wed 14-Aug-19 11:17:49

That is good to hear. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Do not be scared to phone the police if you feel unsafe. Just don't make him aware of what you are doing, and as soon as you have what you need in order, and it is safe to do so, get yourself out of there and to a safe place.
It will be hard for a while, but making this move is the first step toward the rest of your life. One that you deserve!

newmomof1 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:22:08

OP you are strong and you can do this. thanks

He won't kill himself - he just doesn't think you'll leave him if he threatens it.
He thinks far too much of himself to take his life.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:35:30

Thank you everyone you've really helped me

HoppingPavlova Wed 14-Aug-19 11:36:30

I have also thought about ringing the police but he says if i do he'll kill himself before they get here.

Don’t want to sound harsh but I would consider this as problem solved.

Zuma76 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:54:36

All the pp have given good advice. All I would add is if you have a good employer, I would speak to someone at work and explain what has happened and that you are leaving but there might be consequences next week and he might turn up at work and ask them for support. Most employers would prefer a heads up to get some system in place to protect you.

Wolfiefan Wed 14-Aug-19 11:58:03

Be careful. Don’t let him see this or find the journal OP. Can someone at work help you? Call a friend or family member from there? Get help to go back with support just to get your stuff?

IamHyouweegobshite Wed 14-Aug-19 11:58:24

I'm glad that you are taking steps to leave. Stay safe, delete Internet history, change passwords, log out of here, don't give him the ammunition he needs. Are you married, to him? Do you have children? Get all docs, birth cert, marriage cert, bank accounts, passports etc. Get a small bag, and go. Do you drive? Can you leave a few bits in work? Good luck, you need to get away from this man. Oh and if he starts saying he'll kill himself, call the police let them deal with him. flowers

Aposterhasnoname Wed 14-Aug-19 12:07:12

Don’t want to sound harsh but I would consider this as problem solved.

Yup.

My ex threatened to jump off a motorway bridge when I wouldn’t go back. I offered him a lift there. Unsurprisingly, he’s still around, still being a nasty twat, and still threatening his latest girlfriend with suicide every time she doesn’t toe the line.

MzHz Wed 14-Aug-19 16:49:30

I’m on the other side of this to you. Let me tell you that the only step that’s hard to take is the first one. Then all you have to do is take one more.
Then another

Start preparing little by little and get yourself organised

Your life is still there, waiting for you to reclaim.

I promise you with everything I hold dear that you will never ever ever regret leaving him. Your life will improve in a matter of hours when you have a space you can shit the door to and be free.

HappyNOTdriving Wed 14-Aug-19 18:15:10

Stop.

I'm so glad my post was helpful.

It's not frustrating because this has to work for you. this is your life and you have to be in control of the steps you take

My advice get some real life advice from womens aid and other organisations, they can help you get a proper plan in place. If you can tell a friend or your parents once you are ready so you have some support.

Get your paperwork, passport etc in order so it's easy to just pick up and pack when you need it. You don't want to be having to hunt the house for the important things!

Once you have a plan in place as you are talking about weekends feeling better is to secretly book a few days off using your holidays allowance but leave as you would normally then pack the things you need and never come back.

HappyNOTdriving Wed 14-Aug-19 18:54:07

Oh and also as others are saying.

He is an adult and his choices are his.

you are not responsible for anything that he chooses to do or not once you have left

If he decides to end his life that is a choice that he alone is responsible for.

You can only choose for yourself what happens after is nothing to do with you.

RandomMess Wed 14-Aug-19 19:06:07

You can do this! Not long until Saturday feel the fear, smell the freedom and do it anyway.

chocolatebuttons5 Thu 15-Aug-19 10:43:30

That's the only thing that's stopping me, the only thing that's constantly going round and round in my head, if he does kill himself does that mean that all along he hasn't been abusing me he's just been crying out for help because he's seriously mentally ill?
Then i don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life and he says to me the only reason i stop him when he tries to commit suicide is because it will be my fault and i'll be guilty.
Because when he gets in a rage like a few weeks ago he tried to have a fight with a neighbour because he 'watches' and 'listens' to everything we do, when the neighbour said what the hell are you going on about he came home and tried to take a load of pills, He is mentally unstable. I just need to decide in my head if it's worth the risk, Or if i'm better off putting up with it to save him and i know that's wrong.
Yesterday he called me a 'slag' in the middle of a supermarket because i was apparently looking at every single man that walked past.

Whosorrynow Thu 15-Aug-19 10:47:52

Just get yourself away from him or he will destroy you, it doesn't matter if he destroys himself, that's not your problem he is responsible for his own choices

HoppingPavlova Thu 15-Aug-19 12:37:06

Or if i'm better off putting up with it to save him

It is absolutely not your role in life to ‘save’ anyone. This is a form of control. Do you realise that psychiatrists will not put up with this? You absolutely need to reframe this in your mind.

qazxc Thu 15-Aug-19 12:46:29

Threats of suicide are very common in emotional abuse. Whatever he does to himself ( not that I think he will, I think he's bluffing), is his choice not yours. You would not be responsible.

Tonnerre Thu 15-Aug-19 14:35:48

That's the only thing that's stopping me, the only thing that's constantly going round and round in my head, if he does kill himself does that mean that all along he hasn't been abusing me he's just been crying out for help because he's seriously mentally ill?

No, it absolutely doesn't. He's blatantly using the suicide threat as a ploy to get you back, he has no intention of actually doing it. SIL's ex used to do this, he even took a few pills a couple of times, making sure she knew he had so she took him off to hospital in a panic - but he never took enough to do himself any harm. She eventually got free a couple of years ago, he made the suicide threats again, she ignored it, and he's still alive and horrible and making the subsequent girlfriend's life hell.

Frankly, even if your partner messed up and actually did kill himself, it's not an indicator of a need for help or serious mental illness. It would just be an indicator that his control-freakery got out of hand, which definitely would not be your fault.

HappyNOTdriving Thu 15-Aug-19 17:40:30

My ex threatened it lots of times especially when he felt in a corner and "normal" behaviour wasn't working or he thought I might actually leave. Or sometimes to get me to not go out or come home early if I was (very very rarely) out.

He is currently still alive 16 years after I left him so my deduction is even if he thought he meant it it wasn't a real threat.

I decided that it was either his life or mine, I couldn't control his behaviour but I could control my own and I thought if I stay I will die because either he will kill me or the stress and despair of living like that would. I then thought if I leave and he does do something it's just something I'll have to live with because it can't possibly be worse than living like I am now!

HappyNOTdriving Thu 15-Aug-19 17:53:44

Also can I just share my grandmothers story.

She was in an abusive marriage. I didn't know how bad until after.
She left her childhood home to move in with him after they married meaning she had never been independent.
She was married for 42 years before she left him.
She told me after her divorce that she thought if she just waited one day he would die and she would be free and that was her plan but she got to her mid 60's and suddenly realised that actually she might die first.

She is now in her 70's and loves her new life and says her biggest ever regret is she didn't do it sooner and she wasted so so many years. The pleasure she gets from even small things like going to bed when she wants or eating whatever she likes for dinner or knowing she can go out for a coffee with me or one of her children is an absolute joy to watch.

If she hadn't made that choice she would still be in that situation because he is still alive and seems as far as I know still healthy!

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