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i wish he'd hit me

(66 Posts)
stophurtingme3 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:56:17

I wish he would hit me, instead of filling my head with these words every minute of every day, why won't he hit me if i'm so 'disgusting' and a 'liar' i don't understand.
I don't know how to react in the best way, how do you react do you argue, defend yourself, cry or just say nothing and take it?
None of the above work it doesn't matter what i do or what i say i never win everything's always my fault.
i don't want this life anymore, but i don't know where to get courage from, my will power left me the minute i threw my 8 stone weight loss down the drain by gaining it all back from this horrible life i'm living this past year.
I used to have anxiety but i don't even think i have it anymore because i don't have time to think about it to make me panic. I would rather be riddled with panic attacks knowing i can fight back than fight this losing battle of trying to help someone's mental health when all they do is target you.

PolkadotLollipop Tue 13-Aug-19 14:57:26

Are you making plans to leave him?

Thingsdogetbetter Tue 13-Aug-19 15:07:10

I would react by leaving! He's got your head in such as mess that you want to be hit so you have a reason to leave? The rest of his behaviour is reason enough to leave. Stop thinking about his mh and start thinking of yours! Nothing you do is ever going to change him. The only thing you can do is regain your own life. And that means leave. Asap.

stophurtingme3 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:11:45

i've had the plans to leave in my head for at least 6 months i just don't know how to do it, i can't physically walk out of that door i just can't do it and i really don't know why!

PolkadotLollipop Tue 13-Aug-19 15:22:53

Going by your OP there are plenty of reasons to leave this relationship. You don’t need any more. Perhaps look at doing the freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ as a way to clear your head of the nonsense he has filled it with and find a way forward to a healthier future.

Mileysmiley Tue 13-Aug-19 15:23:48

Sounds like emotional abuse to me ... you should get help.

Shplot Tue 13-Aug-19 15:24:57

Walk away. Right now. Go to family or friends.

Tonnerre Tue 13-Aug-19 15:39:35

Phone Women's Aid and get the help you need to leave him.

CassettesAreCool Tue 13-Aug-19 15:48:47

Walk to the door. Open it. Walk through it. Carry on walking. Don't look back. Leave no explanation. These six steps sound tiny to many but to you they are huge, as you have been abused to the point where you think you can't do them. But YOU CAN.

stophurtingme3 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:57:02

but he won't let me go and if i do it won't be the end sad

stophurtingme3 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:58:05

or if it does end it will only be because he's no longer in the world

Shplot Tue 13-Aug-19 16:01:15

He has bullied and manipulated you into thinking he won’t let you go.
Wait until he’s out or asleep and go to friends or family. Ring the police if he shows up and women’s aid for advice

cansmellfreedom Tue 13-Aug-19 16:16:46

Posting here is the first step as you do realise that things are bad.Do you have kids? Do you work? Call the police next time he calls you names .start making plans to leave or contact women’s aid.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 13-Aug-19 16:30:19

but he won't let me go

It's not bloody up to him! You do not need his permission to leave.

He's got you so ground down it sounds as though he has sucked the life-force out of you.

You've taken the first step by posting on here and you will receive loads of support from women who have been exactly where you are, and who have come out of the other side.

It is possible. And yes, it is scary. But it is real and this is no way to live your life.

Please talk to someone in real life. Speak to a friend. A family member. Your GP. But please talk to SOMEONE.

Bananalanacake Tue 13-Aug-19 16:37:34

is it his house or yours. do you have a friend you could go to after work so you don't have to tell him you've left. can you leave your important documents at work or with a friend to look after.

HappyHammy Tue 13-Aug-19 16:39:50

What do you mean he wont let you go, he cant keep you locked up.

Horehound Tue 13-Aug-19 16:43:16

You don't need a reason to leave anyone. You can just be like "no, this is not for me" and go.
He can't keep you, he doesn't own you.

And have a think about this: if he says you're so terrible, why wouldn't he let you go?

IamHyouweegobshite Tue 13-Aug-19 16:49:35

Is there anyone irl that you can speak to? A friend, family member who can help you get away? Pls contact women's aid. You need to get away from him. Good luck op, keep posting if you can. flowers

CassettesAreCool Tue 13-Aug-19 16:54:22

OK OP I hear you. If you honestly believe that he physically won't let you go, or that he will kill himself if you do go (which is how I interpret your second reply) then what you have is a coercive control situation. Can you find a way to talk to a friend or family member or GP or social worker? Can you call Woman's Aid? If you can find your voice with some other person, I believe you may start finding the means to leave.

tolerable Tue 13-Aug-19 17:00:51

get in touch with your local branch of womans aid immediately. its not about him now.its about you.you are worth it.

Tighnabruaich Tue 13-Aug-19 17:11:32

How can he stop you?

HappyNOTdriving Tue 13-Aug-19 17:13:04

He is hitting you!

He battering your emotional self black and blue and stamping on your soul! The only difference is you can't see the bruises so you are convincing yourself it isn't happening.

He is ignoring your shell (your body) but he is hurting you. And he is ignoring it because he doesn't need to hurt it because so far damaging you like he is has worked well for him.

You deserve better my lovely you really really do.

C0untDucku1a Tue 13-Aug-19 17:15:23

He is a liar and an abuser.walk out the door now. Say you are going to the ‘shops’. Go to a feiend or family and tell them.

StrongerThanIThought76 Tue 13-Aug-19 17:25:14

If he did hit you what would you do?

Think about it - would it be the trigger you need to just go? Would it be the beginning of the end, ducks in a row time? Would it be time to call the police to report domestic violence?

All of his behaviour is abuse op - you don't need any sort of trigger. I've been where you are and it took me 5 years to pluck up the courage to move out. 10 years later and I'm sure one of my parents thinks it couldn't have been that bad as he never hit me.

readitandwept Tue 13-Aug-19 17:40:41

or if it does end it will only be because he's no longer in the world

Has he threatened suicide?

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 09:52:13

Sorry i can't come on this thread when i'm with him,
The last time i tried to leave i made it 3 seconds away from the house and he had got in his car and started wheel spinning down the street, i carried on walking he was just driving by my side saying get in the car, i was saying no, he said if you don't get in the car now i'll crash right in front of you. He was stood outside his car in the middle of the road shouting and swearing at anyone driving past, it was so embarrassing but no one stopped, i had to get back in. I have also thought about ringing the police but he says if i do he'll kill himself before they get here.
I don't have friends anymore i pushed them away because of him, I have my mum and dad but i hate her worrying about me, I have tried to call womens aid but they don't answer and i spoke to victim support once but i downplayed the situation as they started talking about police and i chickened out, I could pack and leave on saturday morning and try to go to a refuge, we live in a council house and i'm the main tenant but he is on the tenancy, however even if it was all mine i wouldn't want to live there.

ConfusedNoMore Wed 14-Aug-19 09:57:30

I would bet your mum already worries and knows a bit about what's going on. Go to her. Tell someone.

External validation helps get your head straight. So counselling, women's aid, friends, family... Grab any and every bit of support you can.

Do you need permission to go? I am giving you permission. Leave. (and I have been there. I used to wish he'd hit me too)

Shplot Wed 14-Aug-19 10:41:04

Just go. You’re not responsible for his welfare. He’s a bully and a coward and will say and do anything. Ring the police, go to your mums. Get out now. It’s never going to get better.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:02:50

He is hitting you!

He battering your emotional self black and blue and stamping on your soul! The only difference is you can't see the bruises so you are convincing yourself it isn't happening.

He is ignoring your shell (your body) but he is hurting you. And he is ignoring it because he doesn't need to hurt it because so far damaging you like he is has worked well for him.

You deserve better my lovely you really really do.

@HappyNOTdriving Thank you so much! I think you've just give me the wake up call i needed! I know it's frustrating that i don't just literally get up and leave right now but it's just not the right time or place, At the weekend i feel safer because i have more time, No work to go to worrying he'll turn up and beg me to come back.

dailydaze Wed 14-Aug-19 11:12:19

OP you have to think of yourself here. You only get one go at this life and you do not deserve to be treated like that and to live like this.
You are not responsible for his actions, and if you fear he would hurt himself if you left... that is another form of manipulation and it is not your responsibility to ensure he os ok. Make sure you are ok!
Start putting yourself first. Start planning, getting things in order and making your plans to leave. If you are worried about your safety, you can actually have the police assist you in getting your stuff out safely.

I know it will be hard, but you do have the strength even if it doesnt feel like it. Please take care.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:14:35

Thank you, next time i'm home when he's not i'm going to gather important documents, for the past 3 weeks i have been writing a journal of his words and also have text proof, So i know in my head i am being sensible and taking steps in the right direction.

dailydaze Wed 14-Aug-19 11:17:49

That is good to hear. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Do not be scared to phone the police if you feel unsafe. Just don't make him aware of what you are doing, and as soon as you have what you need in order, and it is safe to do so, get yourself out of there and to a safe place.
It will be hard for a while, but making this move is the first step toward the rest of your life. One that you deserve!

newmomof1 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:22:08

OP you are strong and you can do this. thanks

He won't kill himself - he just doesn't think you'll leave him if he threatens it.
He thinks far too much of himself to take his life.

stophurtingme3 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:35:30

Thank you everyone you've really helped me

HoppingPavlova Wed 14-Aug-19 11:36:30

I have also thought about ringing the police but he says if i do he'll kill himself before they get here.

Don’t want to sound harsh but I would consider this as problem solved.

Zuma76 Wed 14-Aug-19 11:54:36

All the pp have given good advice. All I would add is if you have a good employer, I would speak to someone at work and explain what has happened and that you are leaving but there might be consequences next week and he might turn up at work and ask them for support. Most employers would prefer a heads up to get some system in place to protect you.

Wolfiefan Wed 14-Aug-19 11:58:03

Be careful. Don’t let him see this or find the journal OP. Can someone at work help you? Call a friend or family member from there? Get help to go back with support just to get your stuff?

IamHyouweegobshite Wed 14-Aug-19 11:58:24

I'm glad that you are taking steps to leave. Stay safe, delete Internet history, change passwords, log out of here, don't give him the ammunition he needs. Are you married, to him? Do you have children? Get all docs, birth cert, marriage cert, bank accounts, passports etc. Get a small bag, and go. Do you drive? Can you leave a few bits in work? Good luck, you need to get away from this man. Oh and if he starts saying he'll kill himself, call the police let them deal with him. flowers

Aposterhasnoname Wed 14-Aug-19 12:07:12

Don’t want to sound harsh but I would consider this as problem solved.

Yup.

My ex threatened to jump off a motorway bridge when I wouldn’t go back. I offered him a lift there. Unsurprisingly, he’s still around, still being a nasty twat, and still threatening his latest girlfriend with suicide every time she doesn’t toe the line.

MzHz Wed 14-Aug-19 16:49:30

I’m on the other side of this to you. Let me tell you that the only step that’s hard to take is the first one. Then all you have to do is take one more.
Then another

Start preparing little by little and get yourself organised

Your life is still there, waiting for you to reclaim.

I promise you with everything I hold dear that you will never ever ever regret leaving him. Your life will improve in a matter of hours when you have a space you can shit the door to and be free.

HappyNOTdriving Wed 14-Aug-19 18:15:10

Stop.

I'm so glad my post was helpful.

It's not frustrating because this has to work for you. this is your life and you have to be in control of the steps you take

My advice get some real life advice from womens aid and other organisations, they can help you get a proper plan in place. If you can tell a friend or your parents once you are ready so you have some support.

Get your paperwork, passport etc in order so it's easy to just pick up and pack when you need it. You don't want to be having to hunt the house for the important things!

Once you have a plan in place as you are talking about weekends feeling better is to secretly book a few days off using your holidays allowance but leave as you would normally then pack the things you need and never come back.

HappyNOTdriving Wed 14-Aug-19 18:54:07

Oh and also as others are saying.

He is an adult and his choices are his.

you are not responsible for anything that he chooses to do or not once you have left

If he decides to end his life that is a choice that he alone is responsible for.

You can only choose for yourself what happens after is nothing to do with you.

RandomMess Wed 14-Aug-19 19:06:07

You can do this! Not long until Saturday feel the fear, smell the freedom and do it anyway.

chocolatebuttons5 Thu 15-Aug-19 10:43:30

That's the only thing that's stopping me, the only thing that's constantly going round and round in my head, if he does kill himself does that mean that all along he hasn't been abusing me he's just been crying out for help because he's seriously mentally ill?
Then i don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life and he says to me the only reason i stop him when he tries to commit suicide is because it will be my fault and i'll be guilty.
Because when he gets in a rage like a few weeks ago he tried to have a fight with a neighbour because he 'watches' and 'listens' to everything we do, when the neighbour said what the hell are you going on about he came home and tried to take a load of pills, He is mentally unstable. I just need to decide in my head if it's worth the risk, Or if i'm better off putting up with it to save him and i know that's wrong.
Yesterday he called me a 'slag' in the middle of a supermarket because i was apparently looking at every single man that walked past.

Whosorrynow Thu 15-Aug-19 10:47:52

Just get yourself away from him or he will destroy you, it doesn't matter if he destroys himself, that's not your problem he is responsible for his own choices

HoppingPavlova Thu 15-Aug-19 12:37:06

Or if i'm better off putting up with it to save him

It is absolutely not your role in life to ‘save’ anyone. This is a form of control. Do you realise that psychiatrists will not put up with this? You absolutely need to reframe this in your mind.

qazxc Thu 15-Aug-19 12:46:29

Threats of suicide are very common in emotional abuse. Whatever he does to himself ( not that I think he will, I think he's bluffing), is his choice not yours. You would not be responsible.

Tonnerre Thu 15-Aug-19 14:35:48

That's the only thing that's stopping me, the only thing that's constantly going round and round in my head, if he does kill himself does that mean that all along he hasn't been abusing me he's just been crying out for help because he's seriously mentally ill?

No, it absolutely doesn't. He's blatantly using the suicide threat as a ploy to get you back, he has no intention of actually doing it. SIL's ex used to do this, he even took a few pills a couple of times, making sure she knew he had so she took him off to hospital in a panic - but he never took enough to do himself any harm. She eventually got free a couple of years ago, he made the suicide threats again, she ignored it, and he's still alive and horrible and making the subsequent girlfriend's life hell.

Frankly, even if your partner messed up and actually did kill himself, it's not an indicator of a need for help or serious mental illness. It would just be an indicator that his control-freakery got out of hand, which definitely would not be your fault.

HappyNOTdriving Thu 15-Aug-19 17:40:30

My ex threatened it lots of times especially when he felt in a corner and "normal" behaviour wasn't working or he thought I might actually leave. Or sometimes to get me to not go out or come home early if I was (very very rarely) out.

He is currently still alive 16 years after I left him so my deduction is even if he thought he meant it it wasn't a real threat.

I decided that it was either his life or mine, I couldn't control his behaviour but I could control my own and I thought if I stay I will die because either he will kill me or the stress and despair of living like that would. I then thought if I leave and he does do something it's just something I'll have to live with because it can't possibly be worse than living like I am now!

HappyNOTdriving Thu 15-Aug-19 17:53:44

Also can I just share my grandmothers story.

She was in an abusive marriage. I didn't know how bad until after.
She left her childhood home to move in with him after they married meaning she had never been independent.
She was married for 42 years before she left him.
She told me after her divorce that she thought if she just waited one day he would die and she would be free and that was her plan but she got to her mid 60's and suddenly realised that actually she might die first.

She is now in her 70's and loves her new life and says her biggest ever regret is she didn't do it sooner and she wasted so so many years. The pleasure she gets from even small things like going to bed when she wants or eating whatever she likes for dinner or knowing she can go out for a coffee with me or one of her children is an absolute joy to watch.

If she hadn't made that choice she would still be in that situation because he is still alive and seems as far as I know still healthy!

snowbear66 Thu 15-Aug-19 18:46:15

my ex also used to say he was suicidal a lot but has struggled through somehow !!!
It seems a very common tactic with men.
My ex wasn’t abusive but I wasted years on a failing unhappy relationship and it didn’t do either of us any good.
Your partner does sound like a controlling and abusive nutter. I think you need to get out and any guilt you feel will disappear when you have a bit of distance to reflect on what you’ve been through.

Hidingtonothing Thu 15-Aug-19 18:58:38

The main WA number does get very busy OP but they also have local services which are usually easier to get through to. The phone lines may not be 24 hour but you should be able to get someone during the day. If you scroll down this link til you get to 'Search by area or local authority' and enter your town it will give you a list of services and contact numbers www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

chocolatebuttons5 Mon 19-Aug-19 09:51:02

It's me, i had to NC.
I didn't do it sad
He's seeing his psychiatrist this week,
On saturday he self harmed for the first time,
I don't know what i'm doing to be honest i think i must of just lost the plot, i'm really sorry everyone.

dottycat123 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:27:27

I am a mental health nurse. You cannot save your dh, he has to want help and to work with people offering help. The number of people who actually have a mental disorder which prevents them being responsible for their behaviour is tiny. I often get frustrated on here reading about partners who are behaving in a wholly unacceptable way and someone suggests they have a mental health problem, it is offensive to those who are truly experiencing poor mental health. Find out what his diagnosis is, if he has a psychosis then he needs to accept treatment and may improve(that doesn't mean you should stay). I suspect he will have an emotionally unstable personality disorder in which case I would definitely leave as he has shown how this disorder manifests itself in him. You are entitled to a life free from this existence of walking on eggshells as he abuses you.

MzHz Mon 19-Aug-19 10:41:37

Do not blame yourself

He’s seeing his psychiatrist- good

You’re not able to help him, his self harm is his issue AND probably only to manipulate you!

Get free. Leave him

chocolatebuttons5 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:13:11

I still haven't sad
The psychiatrist basically said he has traits of many personality disorders.
He was just going to offer therapy but said if he insists on tablets he will give him some antipsychotic medication to try.

MarianaMoatedGrange Thu 22-Aug-19 10:34:05

YOU ARE STILL ALLOWED TO LEAVE.

HE needs to sort his issues out with professionals. He's taken a step - good for him, but it doesn't mean you have to stay. In fact you shouldn't. You deserve a life and you currently aren't having one.

There is no magic cure for personality disorders. You cannot help him, you can only help yourself by being free.

DowntonCrabby Thu 22-Aug-19 10:39:04

You still need to leave, for you.

flowersflowersflowers

MzHz Thu 22-Aug-19 10:58:34

You need to leave to give him the space to work on himself and it will allow you to gain perspective and strength in your own right

Then and only then will you be able to see what the right move is for YOU.

It’s time to be selfish - it’s a good thing - be your best friend

Bananalanacake Thu 22-Aug-19 11:03:04

I don't think it's selfish at all to leave. you need to give him space to sort himself out.

MzHz Thu 22-Aug-19 11:10:58

Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that op was being selfish per se in leaving, merely trying to encourage her to put herself first in this.

We can’t fix others, especially those who don’t want to be fixed.

Nagsnovalballs Thu 22-Aug-19 11:14:07

Let him kill himself and improve the world by getting rid of a nasty abuser. He won’t kill himself, he’s using that to control you, but you could give yourself permission to leave by comforting yourself with the idea that if he does kill himself then the world will be a better one.

Amberheartkitty Thu 22-Aug-19 12:19:45

My ex threatened to kill himself as a form of control. He promised to go to anger management and seek professional help. It all amounted to nothing. He never did any of those things.
The last time he contacted me to tell me goodbye he was killing himself I didn’t bother to reply. He’s still alive and still abusing women.

CobraGoose Thu 22-Aug-19 13:27:16

I left my ex, he was drunk and saying he was going to kill himself. Walked out and didn’t go back.

I hear he is still alive and well. He had done it before and I’d stayed.

If he had done it? Not my problem.

If he isn’t currently in a relationship then he will be out there looking for someone vulnerable to attach himself to. Then, after the honeymoon period, he will behave in the same way with them.

Someone told me that men like this are unlikely to commit suicide - they are so self centred they have a strong survival instinct and will soon find another woman to leech on to.

And if someone really means it? They will do it anyway, whether you stay with them or not. You do not “make” someone suicidal, and “cure” it by agreeing to stay with them. That is not real.

MO2x Thu 22-Aug-19 13:39:18

I think you should contact a women's refuge. They will fully support you and help you see things clear and for what they are. You shouldn't be having these thoughts of it's easier if he hits me etc. You should just be happy!!! Life is to short to be unhappy. Please go get help from them. They helped me and they protect you and help every step of the way xx

MO2x Thu 22-Aug-19 13:41:58

Just read about the killing himself thing. My ex used to do that. In the end I offered to buy him the rope and help him tie it to a tree. That soon stopped. He will give up you've just got realise in your own head how much you are worth it woman!! Get a pen and paper and sit yourself down one morning with a coffee and write down 10 reasons why your better then him. Leave it in your pocket somewhere secret an read it every chance you get. You will get their !!!! X

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