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I phoned women's aid

(45 Posts)
thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 08:36:05

I phoned them because I know it's abuse
But I just don't know if it's bad enough to loose everything and rip our lives apart..
And I convince myself it's our circumstances or all my fault
They told me in no uncertain terms it's most definitely 'bad enough' to leave, it's not my fault And actually, she said it's quite horrific

So I'm going to ring my local domestic violence team

I have to, if not for me but for my poor kids, one of which at the age of 3 is starting to be affected.

But I'm so scared 😰 I literally have nothing!

Parent999 Tue 13-Aug-19 08:42:25

Do it. The mountain always looks worse from the bottom. Take a leap of faith and work hard on improving yours and your children's lives. There is support there, you'll be ok because you have no choice. Be strong.

vixfromthestix Tue 13-Aug-19 08:47:53

You don't have nothing, you have DC who you are showing that it's not acceptable to be treated in such a way. You will build yourself back up again, best of luck. x

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 08:57:33

But i don't know if I will be ok
Because I haven't worked for years
Worked out if we sold the house I would have enough to buy a grotty one bed flat here (his idea to relocate to the back end of nowhere) whilst he would have enough to move back to our home city back to family and friends, get a nice flat/house because of course he still has his career...
And I just don't know if I can do that!
Not that he helps much with the kids but going from a 'perfect life' on paper
Nice house, nice car, nice things
To having nothing will be such a fall from grace and I will be embarrassed? How will I even afford to live?
And I know he will tell everyone it was me and that I'm crazy etc
And he will meet someone else and life the life whilst I look after the kids on my own (he can't cope with both kids for more than an hour or so, overnights would be out of the question)
I set a test last night, left a sink full of washing up (I normally have the kitchen very clean for when he gets home)
And yep, he had a go!

And the final straw was the other night when I was so scared he was going to throw something at me I actually cowered and hid behind the wardrobe door
And afterwards when I asked him 'are you not upset that you made me feel that scared' he said I was 'causing drama/being dramatic' etc

Its just no way to live
But I'm scared of the alternative x

I even feel so bad for writing this

Babdoc Tue 13-Aug-19 09:04:21

OP, why do you think he would have more than you after selling the house? You would get at least half in a divorce settlement, plus child maintenance from him.
It sounds like you have been ground down by his bullying until you have lost faith in yourself and your ability to cope, and don’t realise what you are legally entitled to.
Please see a solicitor urgently and get professional advice before going any further. I think you’ll find the future is much rosier and more financially secure than you think.

BrainWormsWontWin Tue 13-Aug-19 09:16:24

Lots of us have been where you are. It's terrifying. But I couldn't keep teaching my children that this kind of behavior is OK. I had to get out for my kids. Keep talking to us, talk to women's aid and your local domestic violence support. You absolutely can do this, do it for your kids.

Parent999 Tue 13-Aug-19 09:23:46

If someones behaviour makes you afraid then theres no more ifs or buts.
I understand what you mean about the money, secretly get some legal advice about the divorce. Then have a look at benefits, where you might live that provides the most support for you. Im not suggesting you stay since there is DV but use this time wisely to figure out what life might look like after divorce.
Having your freedom, mental health and happiness is worth a thousand of his careers. You can rebuild from there.

Forget about whether he may or may not be happy after the divorce, thats irrelevant, as is what other people think of not having the nice car.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:02:58

We aren't married
I know, I've been so stupid
I am on the mortgage but not 50/50

He's booked a nice holiday for September.... for himself
Because 'he deserves it, and he's so stressed and exhausted from working'
4 days on my own with the kids and he doesn't give a fuck
Never mind me who's looking after a 3 year old and a baby with absolutely no support or even a minute break for the 6 week holidays

But little one starts school in sept and the nearest shelter is so far away I couldn't get him to school if I went there
So I'm fucked really!
But the spell has been broken so it's like I'm living a soap or a film? Does that make sense? Like I know I won't stay forever so it's laughable

I actually want him to hit me then I have a real reason to leave 😯
And people won't judge me x

Vibiano Tue 13-Aug-19 10:08:31

You don't like the area you live, WA will help sort out school. He can go to one near the shelter.
Please get out of there.
Your partner isn't going to change.
Be strong for your kids, they need you to get them out of this awful situation.
If your daughter or a friend told you this was happening to them you would tell them to leave.
Please read the pinned post about refuges before you decide it's not for you.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:11:07

Going to the park to meet a friend so have to put my game face on
Chat about bollocks because I don't really know her that well
But once I get home
I'm ganna ring the benefits helpline number I've been given and the local dv team
I just need to know what would actually happen!
My little boy is being such hard work, he's so angry all the time
And I know he's picked it up from
Me because I'm so low that I snap so easily and he's copying me
It's just too hard x

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:15:04

I know it would turn so nasty
He's told me recently a few times no one would ever put up with me blah blah
And he's said in the past I wouldn't get the kids because of health issues I've had including mental health
Baring in mind he's never done a single night feed or anything so how the fuck he would get them is beyond me

I don't mind the area, if we were here as a family unit
But on my own would just be shit
The schools are so much better here tho
And I have met a few friends
I just wish I could have my life
But just without him
But I know that isn't possible

Pinkbonbon Tue 13-Aug-19 10:20:03

You know you could rent instead right? When you get your share of the home. Or move further north where its cheaper to find a place. I know you are thinking about keeping up appearances but surely having money for food is more important. And if you move away it would be more of a fresh start.

You have reason enough to leave anyway. He's already threatening to throw stuff at you ffs. You can't let your kids stay with this bad tempered pos any longer. If you need to go to a shelter for a little while, the child will just have to go to a school nearer it. Stop giving yourself obstacles. There are minor inconveniences in comparison to the risks of living with a vile bully.

Perhaps there's something you can sell that would help get you some funds before you leave.

I know its scary but its like ripping off a plaster, you gotta move hard and fast and even though it hurts, you gotta be brave and it'll all be OK in the end.

Pinkbonbon Tue 13-Aug-19 10:22:37

Also, do you really think Mr 'I need a holiday alone to treat myself' would want the kids full time?! xD of course not lol. They all threaten to take the kids as emotional abuse, they never actually take them. So don't let that worry you. Its textbook rubbish.

Parent999 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:26:58

Try confiding in your friend, you might be surprised, dont worry about what people think. Build a support network if only to keep your sanity.
Phoning the benefits and dv team will help. Making practical plans and research should help. Forward movement and achieving practical measures to improve your situation.If he is going on holiday without you and the kids then you have your timeline to plan for.

delilabell Tue 13-Aug-19 10:27:08

Op you can do it.
My friend split with her husband and got a large amount of the sale of the house /any savings because she had given up career to look after children. I don't know if it's the same if not married but worth finding out? Also if your little one is starting school wa will help to find somewhere near a school.
Wishing you lots of luck

Babdoc Tue 13-Aug-19 10:36:18

OP, I think you’re beginning to gain strength already! You’ve started talking about practical stuff like contacting helplines etc, rather than just dwelling on the difficulties.
Keep that momentum. Feel the change in yourself, however slight it may seem. You are beginning to turn this around. Take it one step at a time - focus on the happy, stress free future you deserve and want for you and your DC, and work your way towards it.
Remember you don’t have to do this alone. You will have help from professionals, from volunteer charities and aid agencies, from emotional support here on MN, and from your friends and family once you feel ready to tell them. No true friend would judge you for going down in “lifestyle” - they would all be horrified at what you’ve been going through and wish they’d known so they could help you sooner.
You can do this, OP. Believe in yourself. God bless.

Pinkbonbon Tue 13-Aug-19 10:42:44

Maybe seeing it like 'living in a film' is handy - cause you would be the main protagonist who is at a hard point in life and realises - and decides to turn it all around. You have to flee from the villain and find a place to start your life anew. Like what's his name in le miserables...OK...maybe not lol. But basically there's gonna be some hard times ahead but it might actually end up being an adventure too smile and hopefully there will be a happy ending for you and the kids. Sorry that was probably too whimsical of an approach for right now but might be fin to think of it like that when you are finally out.

Jayaywhynot Tue 13-Aug-19 10:53:51

Dont think about being embarrassed or your change of lifestyle. Be proactive, ring the benefit office, look into social housing, bollocks to what everyone else thinks. Get your ducks in a row. Bank any money you get until you're in a position to get back on the house buying ladder. When you leave you will be in shock, doubt yourself, worry that you've ruined the kids life but you will also breathe a sigh of relief. When you hit rock bottom the only way then is up. You are strong and you've got this flowers

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:27:57

I'm sat here crying
Park was horrific, my sons tantrums were so so bad I had to come Home and leave his bike and my friend had to bring it home for me
I know it's partly normal for his age but I also know he can tell I'm so stressed, it's like im a pressure cooker and I'm just about ready to burst,
And I text my partner about it, and instead of support told me he doesn't want to hear about it, there's nothing he can do from work!
Which I understand but I have no one else?
So I guess being single wouldn't be much different than now

My poor little boy, I'm just sat here crying thinking how has my life come to this!
The other day he broke the tap(little boy) and I was so scared in that moment I lost my shit with my precious little boy, like screamed at him in a panic which terrified him...
All because I was so scared what my partners reaction would be when he got home
It's fucked

If it was a friend or god forbid my daughter going through this I would pack her fucking bags for her, but it's so much easier said than done
I'm broken
I was broken when I met him really so have never been a proper adult on my own
And it's scary
I even struggle to put petrol in the car? I mean wtf? He deals with bills etc
I ask for every penny I spend
So I don't even know how to set up bills

I'm going to ring the numbers
Just awkward because little ears listening but I can't wait until bedtime because he will be home!
Ah what a mess

Thank you for the replies
It means a lot and I know I sound like a wet drip making excuses but it's just pure fear x

T1meT0G023 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:35:10

If you split you should claim child maintenance from ex & if you are not working claim universal credit

Your freedom is priceless

Contact CAB about benefits

Contact family solicitor about splitting assets

Stay strong

T1meT0G023 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:37:24

Ensure you get the child benefit paid into your name/account. This pays towards your state pension when not working & other benefits. Look on

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:41:24

I've been so stupid
I don't even get the child benefit
He gets it 😰

T1meT0G023 Tue 13-Aug-19 12:47:31

Deep breath, we can all help you do things
Petrol in car
At home check which side the fuel cap is on
Learn how to open the fuel cap/close it. Try this at home, so that you are confident

Is the car petrol, deisel or electric ?

Go to petrol station & fill up


It's a good idea to learn how to do these basics too. They are easy once you know how to do it

How to fill water squirter bottle, open bonnet to do this
Put air in tyres
Check when MOT is due on line
Check date insurance is due
Pay for car break down cover like AA
Check when road tax is due

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Tue 13-Aug-19 13:00:27

I had to get petrol the other day, well diesel
And I was a fucking wreck
But I did it
And I don't wanna give so much away but I've had problems with my hips since having second baby but now finally 15 months later I am feeling stronger and better by the week
So was housebound for the pregnancy and until she was 8 months so now I am slowly starting to get my confidence back
I even drove the kids somewhere further than I've been for ages yesterday on my own! I'm proud of myself
So if I can start to do that, I can cope
And if doing a few bills and car shit is the price I have to pay to not be coerced and guilt tripped into sex etc and live in a constant state of stress then so fucking be it!

Tried ringing the number but it's busy so will keep trying! I think I just need to hear what would practically happen and also if it's actually abuse or not? Or if I'm just shit? Maybe I shouldn't ring him stressed? Maybe I shouldn't tell him I'm struggling? Because I'm 'soo lucky' to be a stay at home mum and be a kept woman

During the holidays he's giving me an allowance to take the kids out, I'm talking a few ices creams and soft play entries
But I'm going to do everything as cheap as possible and I could maybe save a little bit! But is £50 really ganna make a bloody difference?

It feels so surreal but if he found out I'm even writing here he would call me the biggest drama queen and attention seeker
And it kinda feels like that's true, maybe I'm creating a drama out of nothing? And I am building it up in my head? He's not all bad!
We went Away and we had a lovely time x

Pinkbonbon Tue 13-Aug-19 13:15:33

If he is coercing you into sex, it's bad. That alone is enough to leave him.

Op you sound like a really strong person, youve gone through a lot and you've come out the other end. You have another fight ahead but I think you can do it. If you have the mental strength to get to where you are now and rally the willpower to leave, that is the hardest part. After you make the firm decision within yourself to leave, the battle is half one already.

Life's too short to be with people who try to stamp out our shine.

All the little things that seem to all add up like paperwork you don't understand ext..don't worry about that. You can do that all bit by bit when the time comes. Deal with the big battle once and for all first!

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